Update on this bloody mess - please be kind

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

After running away from mumsnet slightly shell shocked after the responses to my last threads, I am back and plucked up courage to post an update.

The last posts were about me sharing that dh (or h that should be) had hit me once, and also under another name worried dh could get custody. (H has to do alot of the childcare as I need to work (money), and he also needs to help me around the house, as I have health issues and have no one else to support me. both I hope and pray will be cured over time, but means he's more in my life than i'd like really)

Those two threads rather exploded in my face so am hoping you'll be a bit gentler with me on this one. To get something straight up front - i'm not in any danger, my ds is not in any danger and its all very upsetting, but not dangerous.

So here is the update - sorry its another very long and rambling one. will be impressed if anyone reads through this! I guess its more of an update to myself to put a flag in the ground of what is happening at the moment.

I sat down and discussed my concerns with h, who agreed that he is really screwed up and not able to handle someone demanding a close and mature relationship. He did reassure me he has no intention of ever taking away ds, and I do believe that. Things between us have relaxed a bit now he knows I am not trying to hold him to any kind of relationship. I have no respect for him, and just want to be able to heal myself from him.

I was still quite shaken up by the whole hitting incident, and following some advice from here, I decided to tell my gp, who had been very nice about other issues.

She has really pushed to get me seen by the right consultants for my health issues, and put me on anti-ds & has referred me for counselling cos of all this stuff happening and history of awful parents etc etc. I also told her at this same appointment that one of the things the consultants are investigating is that I might have a condition, which might be the thing that killed my sister 2 years ago - as you can imagine am having trouble holding anything together...

However, telling her about dh turned out to be the worst thing I could have done - and have had the most horrible time because of it. Am sure that wasn't intended btw, just a bit ironic i think that I thought this was going to be a good step forwards... and really screwed up my courage to do so.

So here was the good bit: Having told my GP, and it really helped having someone to work it through with, I went away feeling much clearer about the whole thing, and realised that a door in my heart has definately closed and dh has no power over me anymore (or at least, alot less, need to work in the practicalities of NO power).

I also realised that I don't really have a sense of self, and so thats why i was getting very confused about whether ds was in any risk (no matter how small)... the answer is a definite NO, it wasn't clear before because I was having trouble distinguishing myself and ds as two separate people as I love him so so so so much. I mean, so if I felt upset and emotionally damaged, I immediately felt that he was at risk, projecting my emotions, which ended up confusing the hell out of me. I couldn't work out why my gut was telling me that ds wasn't at risk in any way, yet my emotions were sending me panic signals all over the place.

So the upshot was, I made the decision to carry on letting dh see ds for quite a lot of time during then working week, but also that I would do a shorter week, and work flexi-time and at home alot, so I am around most of the time as well. This means that I get to see ds most of the day, so I feel better as i don't want to leave him with anyone yet, and also, I can carry on working and earning enough money to pay the rent (just).

Now here's the bit where it all unravels... the next day, I get a phone call from my gp, who sounds really upset and sorry, but says she just mentioned my situation to another gp in the practise, and shes been told she has to report me to social services :-(

Because ds is under one year they have to report dv immediately, even if they think the situation isn;t worrying. She didn't want to but had to by law. So I completely panicked, all the stories of ss taking children and forcing adoptions through wrongly come to mind, especially stories where they seem to gun after the middle classes when they come onto their radar (i have posh voice for my sins, and I do notice that some people react badly to it, shame as the voice is an accident not an indicator of class at all!).

btw, totally understand how this law came to pass, and do feel that they need to be on top of any risk to children, however, am not convinced that the system works and terrified at people (overworked, under trained, scared of making a mistake) having that amount of power over my darling boy (ds obviously, not dh!)

Anyway, freaking out, ended up telling a rl friend of mine, who is a councellor working with women effected by dv (usefully for me!). She reassures me that most of these types of reports are not followed up / taken seriously by ss unless there is a report from more than one source or the dh is still living in the home. Also reassured me that they do anything to keep the children with their mother and in contact with father, so dont get too worried,

So I calm down a bit, and decide to wait it out. Did tell dh, and was quite impressed by his reaction (was worried he'd be angry and blame me for it all). He thought it was awful but did understand it wasn't my fault, and did realise that this is the consequences of his own actions...

5 days later, am starting to feel like this is all a storm in a teacup, when I get a phone call from social services to say 'we are in the area and will be round in 20 mins to do an assessment'... i was in bed wearing a nightie with hot chocolate down it, simultaneously breast feeding ds and typing a report for work, and have a presentation in 45 mins that I am running late for, the house is a tip, lots of dirty plates and empty baby bottles scattered around, and washing everywhere etc. I must have sounded horrified, as she then started telling me that they had written to make this appointment so I should be prepared, and seemed skeptical when I said I hadn't received any letter. She grudgingly rearranged appointment for the next day.

Appointment was awful, she didn't listen to a word I said, just parrotted the same stuff that applies to a very risky and active dv situation.

She said in the same sentence 'I am here to help you, I am not here to judge you, I am here to support families not break them up'... and 'I have recommended children be taken away from both the mother and the father in cases like these'... basically, my worst nightmare.

I wish I'd had time to arrange someone else to be there, as it was just awful, felt nothing I said rang true, she kept twisting my words so it sounded like I was trying to defend dh, which am bloody not, he's crap.

anyway, am not sure if she really understood that my ds is my whole life and if anything, the issue is that I over react when it comes to his safety, not that i'd sit there and let someone who was even the tiniest risk to him within 100 miles of him...

She kept asking me things like 'arent you scared that dh could let himself into the house in the middle of the night and hurt you and ds'... and I had no idea how to answer... as no didnt seem to be the 'right' response. what was i supposed to bloody say, cos no I am not scared of that, its completely ridiculous to suggest such a thing, nothing points towards that ever being a possibility... kind of wanted to say 'no, i should be more scared that I've just let a complete stranger into my house, which would be you!'.

And then she asked me if dh ever hit me again would I feel comfortable telling my gp... which I thought was a ridiculous question, as no i definitely would not, not if this is what happens! So I didnt answer that question 'right' either... I tried to explain that although I wouldn't probably tell the gp initially, I would take strong and legal measures to protect myself & ds [i.e. get solictor to file for restraining orders, change locks/ move flats etc etc]... but I think she stopped listening when I said 'but its not going to happen again anyway'...

She interviewed dh as well, who cant remember what she asked him (he blanks out when under pressure most annoyingly).

She then told me that she would check with the health visitor to see if ds is healthy (thank god we'd just been to see her last week, at least she can be positive surely), and then the social services would make their assessment and decide whether to take anything further. She said that I seemed like a very good mum and there were no worries on that score...

But then she then went on to tell me that if she heard any more reports of any kind relating to me or ds, they would take swift action (implication being they'd take ds away from me). This includes neighbours reporting raised voices and loads of other things I forgot in the heat of the moment. Am so so angry about that, what exactly does she think this will achieve?! if I was still being abused by my dh, wouldn't that just mean that she'd cut off any routes of escape for me?!

so absolutely hideous experience - who benefits exactly i ask you? not ds as I don't think any of that was in his interests, thank god he's too little to know what was going on.

so now am waiting to hear what children's services have decided to do... talk about making a bad situation even worse.

also am waiting to hear about health issues (don't even want to think about hereditary element of that), and ds has a cold and isnt eating, and am scared to take him to the hv as they might think am neglecting him, and I have an ear infection (from the same cold), and dont want to go to gp as i feel betrayed (i know i shouldnt, she was doing her job, but i do still, took so much to open up to her at all...)

so in all, its all crap and I tried to get rl support and it back fired massively :-( The way I see it is that at best social services will decide there's no risk and leave me shaken but ok, but they could also say that dh cant see ds, which means they'll have taken away the only person who helps me /acts a bit like a carer cos I have such limited mobility (except until this gp no one would take that seriously either so no hope getting any proper help). Not even going to think about what else they could do... god its all so bloody awful..

[Lauriefairycake]

But you are at risk - he has hit you, you have reported it to the GP.

they are trying to help you. If you decide to stay and work on your relationship with your partner then yes, you are going to have to take care of yourself and DS.

And not put yourself in danger, not getting involved in arguments with dh, getting any help for you (and dh).

You are under scrutiny for a good reason - try and remember they are here to help you and safeguard your child.

You have a lot going on - I'm so sorry for your health problems and what you are suffering.

[Lovesdogsandcats]

how awful. Bloody hell. If raised voices = social services taking your kids, I would be childless now. The shouting that goes on here, and next door too, we have thin walls.

Not sure really what to say. Does this woman think your H might hit ds, or is it that she said he needs protecting from seeing him hitting you? In what way is he at risk?

[Dansmommy]

I agree with Laurie I'm afraid. You are choosing to stay with an abusive partner. You are making that decision for your son. If SS judge that he is in danger, they need to monitor the situation.
I'm afraid I wouldn't take your word for the fact that he's not in danger...do you honestly trust your own judgement on this? Did you expect your P to hit you?

[BarnacleBill]

So putting the violence thing to one side - as you are so sure it's not relevant - why are you still with him?
You don't like him or respect him (not surprised really) so why?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Sorry i totally forgot to recap the most important bit - am not with him anymore! In my head its quite clear I couldn't be with him after everything thats happened!

He moved out weeks and weeks ago (before my first posts on the subject actually). He comes round to see ds and to do the things I cant around the house.

Yes, I do trust my own judgement on this, and I reiterate, no, neither myself nor ds are in any danger. Please note my gp also didnt think there was any danger either, and I talked to her in depth, honestly and for quite some time.

Please don't turn this into an attack about how I am putting my child at risk. its not helpful nor true, although I can understand that any post about dv will raise those kind of red flags. It happened, i reacted, the situation is changed, its not going to happen again. what I am trying to deal with is my emotions about this, and everything else going on, not about the dv itself.

and no, I am under scrutiny as ss have a 'one size fits all' policy designed to cover them against awful media storms - not because ds is at risk in any way. is kind of difficult to kake this clear over the internet as obviously, you dont know me, but really, ds is the most wanted, protected and loved baby in the world.

[CelticStarlight]

OP, I'm really sorry about all your health issues and hope you get good news about them soon.

BUT, you and your DS are at risk and both your GP and Social Services are doing exactly the right thing because you seem to be unable to work out how to cope without this abusive man as your 'carer'.

I remember your other thread and I was pretty appalled by it. You are choosing to stay with an abuser. You need to look into what help is available to help you care for DS until you are feeling better. Can you pay for carers to help you at all?

Please don't stay with this man because you feel there are no alternatives. There is always another way and you need to find it - if not for your own sake then for the sake of your DS.

[CelticStarlight]

My apologies, now that I have read your most recent post I see that you are no longer with your abusive ExP - well done for getting him out of your house. However, I don't think you should be relying on him to do things around the house either, you need to work out another way of coping, it is not healthy having him 'help' you.

[BarnacleBill]

I'm confused.
If you split with him and he is no longerliving with you then what do ss say they are concerned about? What is it they want you to do?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

again, not with him anymore. hoping we've x-posted there.

The reason i am 'unable to cope without this abusive man' is that I have no other bloody help. If i did, I'd take it. I need help on a daily basis, I cannot bathe my ds, I cannot pick things up off the floor, I cannot bend down to the fridge ... I have now managed to arrange it so that I see as little as poss of him whilst he helps out in this way. It will continue in this way until either - i get better or i get loans paid off & can pay for help.

He is a rubbish husband, and has caused me a lot of mental anguish. I have a lot of working things through to do, and myself to discover again. Him hitting me weirdly helped in a way, as it clarified exactly what he was doing to me, and made me get out of the situation. It also made him realise that he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship in his current mental state, which can only be a good thing for him.

The implication that i am a bad person and mother for accepting his help, yet not offering any alternative (and telling me i must manage 'somehow') is not helpful - and I am worried that that is just what social services will do. It is exactly what my old gp did, I must just work through the pain and do everything without support, and i bloody can't.

I really don't want to cover old ground, I was hoping for more support than that. Am sorry to sound irritated, I am feeling pretty penned in on every side in rl, and was hoping for a bit of support in the digital world. I am pleading here, please don't turn this into a hunt the evil mother thing - my ds is not not not in any any danger, and nor am i.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

oh good, people are reading my posts! worried this was going to turn into a hunt the witch thread...

SS havent said what they are concerned about yet, as they were responding to a generic alert by my gp which they have to by law. I was complaining that the social services woman came in very heavy handed and laid it on very thick and terrified me... without any specific risk explained.

Which makes it very hard to get to the bottom of, and either defend myself if i need to, or change something if they have some kind of valid point (no idea what that would be however, just trying to sound fair there!)

[BarnacleBill]

What is it that ss wnat you to do?

[BarnacleBill]

Ok, so they aren't actually going to do anything just letting you know that they'll be back if there are any further domestic incidents. Fair enough, no?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

am waiting for their report and response... at best, it will be nothing and they will decide theres no risk and close the file, at worst (as she seemed very keen to tell me), they could take my ds away, but I just cant see why they would. Am probably just worrying for nothing and the social worker was being heavy handed, but with everything else, its just all so awful...

[MaMoTTaT]

ok - will give you a vague run down of what happened to me, and how SS's dealt with it.

exH attacked (nearly killed me actually) me during a psychotic episode (he's now an exH for different reasons though). He spent time in hospital, and then came home - so somewhat different to you where you are no longer living together

SS were informed, as pew law. Their initial reaction was to to state that I was not to leave the DS's in exH's care for any length of time. Even 5 minutes to pop to the shop.

There was no mention of taking the DS's away or any such thing.

They relaxed it to "no sole care for extended periods" approx 6 weeks later after exH's MH team had a meeting with them.

Their main priority was that the DS's were not put at risk, and secondly they wanted me to attend the Freedom Project, for victims of DV (I didn't do this eventually as I felt it unneccesary - and they were fine with my reasoning)

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

its the waiting am freaking out about... i have no idea whether they are going to be reasonable or not... and she had such mixed messages

Am scared that the two times i have told anyone about the situation (on here and my gp), it has escalated horribly and I've been left in an even worse situation... I've never been in this situation, and if thats what people's response is, then I am very very scared indeed that everyone thinks I am an unfit mother cos I have to be in contact with dh who hit me once.

[BarnacleBill]

Look, your dh was violent, you ended the relationship and chucked him out. It'll be fine.
Would look better if he wasn't still acting as your carer though. Did they express concern about that? Could they help you get some support?

[CelticStarlight]

No one is 'witch-hunting' and no one is saying that you are a bad person or an evil mother, please try not to take offence where none is intended.

If you are unable to care for your DS without the help of your ExP then maybe SS can do some sort of care assessment and help fund you with some care - as I assume you have limited resources. They don't want to take your child from you - we know they move heaven and earth not to do that - but there must be help out there for single parents who are unwell and need help until they are better.

Having an abusive ExP 'help' is not the answer and I can understand why SS are a little concerned. Have you been honest with them about your needs or are you too frightened to do that?

I think you need to contact CAB and explain your situation fully - and by that I mean admit that you need physical help. They will be able to put you in touch with organisations that can help you and make you less reliant on your ExP.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Oh no MaMoTTaT that sounds truly awful for you, my heart goes out to you. Can I ask some questions without sounding horrible?

Do you think they react the same to any level of violence? ie. nearly killed vs slapped bloody hard?

Did they ever tell you that they'd taken children away in other cases of dv? as I cant work out why she told me this several times, maybe its because I am so freaking out about it thats all i am hearing...

How did they check the 'no sole care' thing? Am worried they'll inform every possible touch point (like sure start centres, my parents etc) and everyone will be watching me and trying to catch me out, what if I leave ds with a friend for the morning or something, will that suddenly not be ok as the friend wont be checked (god I sound paranoid - i guess i am paranoid, but its all just really freaking me out)

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

CelticStarlight sorry was reacting strongly as the last threads dissolved into that and it really made me doubt myself, I don't think I could cope with that again.

I guess i am scared that if I tell them i can't manage then they wont help, they'll just scrutinise me further & put me under more pressure to cope when its incredibly hard physically as well as mentally.

To be honest i did mention my health & that it effects day to day living on several occasions in this interview, and she didn't seem to even really listen, she looked confused every time i mentioned it, and I didn't press it as didn't want to give her any reason to think I can't take care of my own child

[MaMoTTaT]

I think the reaction is the same no matter what the level is - obviously mine was very serious, and I had him living back in the house with me and the boys (wouldn't have done if it hadn't turned out that he was really very ill when he did it).

They did mention several times about taking children away in other cases of DV.

The no sole care thing basically meant that he wasn't to look after the children on his own at home, I did ask about him taking them out, to the shop, to the park etc and they were ok with that as it was "public" (ie other people around should do something again - this was before it dawned on them they weren't dealing with a "standard" DV case). and they were ok if I could find a friend to come over and help look after the children while I was out

Later the extended periods thing was based on the risk of him becoming il again (stress a potential trigger)

Obviously my cases turned out slightly differently once they factored in the MH issues that exH had had at the time.

But I know to start with they treated it as a "normal" DV incident and were less than impressed about me allowing him to come home.

Oddly they were fine about him sleeping in the same room as the DS's (DSe's sleep was terrible so we took it in turns to sleep in his room), or me having a bath at the back of the house where I wouldn't hear anything had something happened. So long as he wasn't left in the house on his own.

IME I would be as open with them as you can about your needs (what would make it possible for you not to have to rely on your exH - as obviously that's not ideal - even without the DV situation taken into account) and what steps you have/will take to ensure that your DS and yourself are safe when he's there etc.

IME they come down heavy to start with, they don't know what the "actual" story is, it would be very easy for a frightened woman to say something had never happened before, and for it to be a regular occurrence iykwim so they have to err on the side of caution until they've done their initial assessments.

Once that was out of the way I found having them involved a lot less stressful as it was more about how they could help rather than looking for danger.

[MaMoTTaT]

oh and I can SO relate to the twisting words thing, I could not get through (or so it felt at the time) to the SW that came from CP that NO he'd never threatened or hit me before. NO there was no argument, YES it was totally out of the blue YES we really were laughing and joking seconds before I found myself on the floor with his hands around my neck.

I felt like a stuck record telling her the same thing over and over again.

[MaMoTTaT]

I need to go to sleep now. You can PM me if you want- this thread will probably take off in the morning and then I'll lose it down my threads I'm on so risk I may miss any more questions.

[CelticStarlight]

No problem Double, I know you are in a very difficult position and probably very scared. As I said earlier, you have done really well to get ExP out of the house so don't put yourself down or doubt yourself. :)

I do understand that you are worried about admitting you need physical help, but children are not taken away from a loving parent because the parent is ill. SS want to keep children with loving parents.

I suffer from a chronic illness and I understand that it can be very hard to admit you need some help sometimes, but I think that in this scenario you have to and once you do it you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders. I bet you hate having to rely on ExP.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. You've been through an awful time and I really hope it starts to get better soon.

[dignified]

Dont panic .
Something similar happened to me , my exh attacked me , i called the police who immediateley made a referal to Ss . They sent me a harsh letter stating that they would be coming round to investigate and that if they were any further incidants my children could be at risk of being removed .

I was furious , it took guts to ring the police in the first place , kids , neighbours ect , i called them and stated quite clearly that i wasnt keen on being threatened and that should he hit me again i would NOT be calling the police . They didnt even come round. I also wrote explaining my concerns , that women will not report dv when they are being threatened with having their children removed . He did it again the very next day , quite confident that i would not call the police again.

I know its procedure and kids have to be protected , but this isnt the way , at all .

[NathanJones]

It sounds like a total nightmare to be honest - it's difficult not to be paranoid when you hear so many SS horror stories.

For what it's worth I think you clearly doing a good job holding it all together in pretty tough circumstancs. As for you H's help - any port in a storm - I'd do exactly the same thing. It's all well and good people saying "get some other help" but who pays, and come lunchtime who is actually going to be doing all the things that need doing?

There do seem to be some right bloody nazis on here - tune them out and listen to some of the nice and good advice in the thread above!