Why wont she help me (a bit long sorry)

[deburca]

Guys

Sorry but a poster previously on here has raised an abuse topic which has just brought home to me again how angry I am. I suffered sexual abuse by my mums brother as a small child. When I told my mum (in my 20's)i asked her not to tell anyone. I had an eating disorder at the time and honestly felt I couldnt cope. A few years later I raised the topic again when I was feelign strong and said that I thought I should tell someone what had happened. This man was a raging alcoholic and my mother told me not to tell anyone, as it would "kill" my grandfather (my mums dad and this mans dad). But to wait until he died and then I could bring it out. She also blamed the alcohol on what he did.

Eventually (due to another cruel incident of a non sexual nature at teh hands of this man) I told my mum I was going to teh police. I received no family support. My cousins (whom I treated as my brothers and sisters) did not want to help me. In fact one of them had her dh suggest that I come home (I was living away at the time) and give details of what had happened so they could give this man a lie detector test. I had one of my aunts tell me not to go to the police she "didnt want her father upset" etc etc. I went to the police, they took my statement gave me examples of how they knew I was telling the truth, interviewed him adn unfortunately could not pursue it as there was not enough evidence.

this has created huge issues with my mum and I as I was basically called a liar by her family when she knows I was telling the truth. She didnt speak to them for a few years but is now back talking away, its not the same relationship according to her there isnt the trust there anymore but I ask myself then why does she bother talking to them. It angers me so much. I challenged one of my cousins about why I wasnt believed and the answer I got was "i dont know - I did andI didnt believe you, I just blanked it". My mum will give me no good reason why she pursues this relationship with them. I have a small child now and these people will actually telephone my mums house when Im there, ask to speak to my mother and ask how my child is, they are never done buying her presents either.

My problem is that I dont seem to be able to get past the anger I feel towards my mum. Ive tried counselling etc and I just dont seem to get anywhere. Can anyone out there give me their opinion?

I am being foolish to myself for now being able to move on.

deb

[Jaquelinehyde]

I don't think your anger is really with your Mums but with the rest of your family. However, because your Mum is the only one you have contact with you focus it on her.

I can understand you being upset that your Mum is back in contact with the rest of her family but please don't let this spoil your relationship.

[ExtraordinarySandwiches]

I am sorry you're in this horrible situation. I can understand your annoyance that your mother is still on good terms with your family, but I really think that Jaqueline is speaking sense. I hope you can get past this, it would be a shame to lose your relationship with your mother, she at least did believe you and it sounds like she was the closest one to being on your side.

Don't feel foolish, you are bound to have lots of anger and complex emotions.

[MinkyBorage]

Blimey, I have no idea whatsoever about this sort of thing. I am thankful for that.
However. am I missing something here? Of course you're angry with your Mum! Your mother, your supposed protector persuaded you to keep your abuse secret to protect her father. You would be completely entitled to never talk to her again, and I would have thought that failing her understanding of how terribly she has let you down, it would be pretty difficult for to stop feeling angry with her. You poor poor thing. Of course you are angry with her.
Wrt where do you go from here... sorry, I have no idea, I guess counselling, maybe counselling where your mum could come to?
Good luck

[MinkyBorage]

I don't understand the posts above mine, I really don't. I must be missing something. Her mother told her to keep her abuse a secret, made excuses for the abuser. I am that people think you shouldn't be angry with your mum!

[dollius]

Of course you are angry with your mum. She let you down very badly. She should be praying for your forgiveness and, because she is not, it is as if she is calling you a liar as well. I can completely understand how you are feeling.
I think it would help you to talk this through with a professional counsellor. Forget about your mum for now, and get yourself some help to get over this horrible trauma.

[Jaquelinehyde]

Minky I think the difference here is that her Mum was not telling her to keep the abuse a secret, but asked her to wait until her father died and then report it.

Her Mum by the sound of it was very understanding and has supported her daughter all the way through this ordeal.

In my opinion making excuses is a natural part of coming to terms with abuse. Even people who have been abused do this. We don't want to believe that someone we trust has done something so horrific so we look for an excuse a reason to make it ok so we don't have to deal with the fact that it was just plain wrong and sick.

From what Deb has posted I think her mother has supported her as best she could. She has gone for a period of years not talking to all her family and has stood by her daughter by the sounds of it when no one else did.

Deb I think you are a brave woman to have reported your uncles abuse and told everyone about it. Please try and rescue what appears to be a very good mother daughter relationship.

[Jaquelinehyde]

Am I reading this wrong here, how did her Mum let her down?

[msboogieHallowqueen]

Everyone let you down very very badly. Everyone. Most of all your mother. It's a disgrace what she did. And your cousins just couldn't be arsed to think about it. Lazy fuckers haven't a shred of backbone between them. I'm not surprised you are angry. You should be fucking raging. But you need to find a way to deal with this anger because the only person it is hurting is you. You have been hurt enough. None of them deserve your emotional energy. You deserve to heal and move on. Please see your GP about more counselling.

[ItsGhoulAgain]

I wish I could say I was surprised by the diversity of viewpoints here. To clarify: If your daughter told you your brother had been interfering with her, what would you do? I know it's almost unthinkable (but there's a fair chance her brother gave her cause for concern when she was young) - but just suppose. Would you honestly tell her to shut up about it, so as not to hurt someone's feelings? What would that say about your concern for your DD's emotional wellbeing?

OP, I agree with msboogie. Do tell your doctor and ask for counselling. I hope you get through this okay.

[PercyPigPie]

I so agree with MinkyBorage and ItsGhoulAgain - you can't just ask someone to ignore abuse until an old man is dead (who let's face it may also have been an abuser - many abusers go on to produce children who abuse).

What about the poor kids that were abused while they were waiting for the Grandfather to die?

No wonder you are raging - I would be too. I hope you can get the professional help you need; you have been really let down.

[WriterofDreams]

I can empathise with your situation unfortunately. A friend of my mother's abused me as a child and when I told her as an adult she just didn't want to know. She immediately told me not to tell my dad, which of course made me feel even more ashamed of what happened and also made me feel like keeping it a secret was more important than helping me with it.

Unlike you I didn't have the option to seek prosecution of the person that abused me, but I'm sure if I had done that she wouldn't have supported me.

I tried talking to her about it a second time but again she just blew me off and made out that I was just making a big deal out of nothing. It was incredibly hurtful.

For all those who reckon the OP's mother didn't do anything wrong - imagine that you had been sexually assaulted by a man who you had to see on a regular basis. When you told your DH about it he said, oh yes well don't do anything about it for the moment would you? We don't want to upset his wife. You would feel so let down. That's how the OP feels, except it is so much worse because it's her mother who has not taken her seriously.

[deburca]

sorry about the late reply, internet down last nite.


thank you all so much for your posts.

Im so upset about it all, its been going on now for 5 years and I just cannot get my head around it. Its the betrayal that guts me. The thought that my mother and no one I grew up with thought enough of me to believe me. I have asked my mother if she ever raises the topic with her family and the answer I get is no. She wants it brushed under teh carpet I believe. Thats what just kills me to be honest. That even now its treated like I have just had an argument with this man, that there is the pair of us in it!

[WriterofDreams]

I felt the same deburca, as if my mum just did not get how much what had happened affected me. It wasn't until I told my DH about it, and another (very supportive) friend that I realised her reaction was just not normal.

DH and my friend were both really really upset, in fact the friend cried, while my mother showed very little reaction. Strange as it may sound the sadness my DH and friend felt made me feel so much better because it made me realise that I wasn't in fact making a mountain out of a molehill and that I did have the right to want to talk about it and do something about it. It made me feel like they realised what I was going through and how horrible it was.

When I persisted with trying to talk to my mum about it she basically said I was trying to make her feel guilty. I realised then that she was never going to even try to understand. All she could see were her own feelings about it. I suspect your mum might be the same. She probably, deep down, feels horrible about it but she won't face up to it.

Once I accepted that I wasn't going to get any support from my mum it actually made life easier for me. Of course it has completely damaged our relationship but I am friendly towards her, I just don't look for anything more than that. It's terribly disappointing to realise that your mother just doesn't really care that much.

[ENormaSnob]

FFS people.

Her mother let her down hugely. Damn right she should be angry.

Sorry you have been through all that op. Your whole family has let you down, especially your mother. I doubt I woul be able to maintain a relationship with someone who had done this.

[deburca]

Sorry guys internet coming and going.

I would love to be able to stop feeling this way and stop the anger but I just cant get past it. I suppose its the fact that is isnt acknowledged. Its like she wants me to move on and will say things like " you are torturing yourself", "tell me what to do and I will do it". I have told her I havent a clue what to do but that I think she should see a counsellor she refuses to do that. The fact that she meets her family and converses with them over coffee etc and it is never brought up just proves to me that she really doesnt care for me. I dont want to hurt her, part of me understands that she wants her family, she grew up with these people but how could she knowing what she knows? If anyone behaved that way toward my daughter family or not I wouldnt speak to them ever again.

Can anyone please just tell me why they think she is behaving this way and why the rest of my family are behaving this way. If I could get my head around the why of it I think I might be able to move on.

deb x

[Thingumy]

I don't know why your mother reacted in the way she did,my mother did the same-tried to get me to cover it up for the 'sake' of others reactions.Completely self absorbed and no actual anger directed at my abuser,it was all hushed up until I went to court and blew the family out of the water.

Denial,shame,embarrassment? Who knows,I would be focusing on you and how you need to deal with the aftermath of abuse.You won't change your mother's reaction.Lots of people deal with a family members 'abuse' by hushing up and brushing it under the carpet,they don't have to deal with the reality of it then.Quite simply,it's them being utterly selfish.

I don't really have much to do with my mother anymore.I prefer to distance myself now,she is toxic-always was and always will be.I have to stay away to protect my mental health.

Do have more therapy to work through your anger towards her and the rest of the family.

Be kind to yourself x

[MinkyBorage]

you won't be able to get your head around hopw they are behaving. In my opinion their behaviour is disgraceful. Of course you can't understand it because clearly it is not the way you would behave if faced with the same issue.
The more I think about it, the more I think it would be a great idea for you to arrange a counselling session which you could both attend together. She owes you that much. Surely she would come with you, even if she doesn't fancy going on her own??

[deburca]

i have asked her to go to counselling with me and she outright refuses. Its "not her"

sometimes I actually feel like I hate her

she seems determined to make me feel to blame in some way, also it just drives me mad with anger that she has never confronted her siblings about their behaviour towards me

what is wrong with her?

[Thingumy]

She is in denial and she's wrapped up in her own 'protection'.



I'd recommend this book

[blinks]

you have my utter sympathy.

i don't know if it is something you can get past unless the person somehow 'gets it'.

it's unlikely that without counselling she will be able to do that so you have a choice.... you can't make her have counselling but you could do it yourself to help you decide what to do next.

i know my mum couldn't accept how my dad behaved towards me when i confronted her but when i had my daughter i brought it up again and in the end decided not seeing her was less painful that constantly being reminded. unfortunately the rest of my family also couldn't accept it either.

very tough thing to deal with, when the people you should be able to rely on the most withdraw support... i have the odd evening where i go to bed and can't sleep for anger. on the whole though, i said my bit and if they can't accept it and do the right thing, that's their problem.

i think you're mum, like my family are mainly motivated by fear not to confront the issue. denial is often easier than making touch decisions and choices.

she sounds weak and although you may not feel it, you're the strong one.

[nemofish]

Well deburca you are definitely not alone, my mother was the same wrt her husband / my stepfather being sexually innapropriate with me, he was also an alcoholic. She seemed irritated at me when it all came out, and she told me I was overreacting, being too sensitive, and in fact I should be flattered that I was getting male attention!

He used to torment / argue with me saying things like 'Niggers are really good at running cos they're used to being chased by lions and tigers, that's why there are so many nignog athletes.' This was purely to wind me up / upset me, but again it was my fault for being arguementative.

They have painted me as the evil selfish stepdaughter who made up lies to try and split them up. But I adored my stepdad at first when he wasn't drinking, before all the shit started. I lived in fear of him then until I ran away left home.

Families will often re-write history, i wish I knew why, there is so much hysteria about 'peedos' but when it comes to it many people have the attitude of blaming the victim. My stepdad used to always say 'kiddie fiddlers should have their bollocks chopped off and be hung.'

Irony is not a big enough word.

I found it easier when I realised that I could explain 'my side' of the story (the same story I have stuck to for 20 years) to my mother until I was blue in the face, nothing will make her see / accept what happened. I hate the fucking bitch for that.

Remember you do not have to 'prove' it, you know the truth yourslef,you know you should have been believed and protected by the adults in your life, and you certainly have a right to be angry and feel betrayed.

The people who genuinely love you will believe you and be on your side. I hope that you can get past this and find some peace.

[ItsGhoulAgain]

Deburca, a lot of people live in a made-up world. It's a survival strategy for them. The reasons why they do it vary - if your mother's very self-centred, it's possible she has a mental disorder which makes her incapable of understanding another's point of view - even if the other person is their own child. Another possibility is that sexual abuse was part of her own childhood, too, and your experience threatened the denial she built up, as a child, to protect herself iyswim. Some people, tragically, put social perceptions before real life ("What would people think") and wreak havoc amongst their nearest & dearest - all for the sake of perceived status.

It might never be possible to understand why in your mother's case - though some extensive reading will probably give you a good idea, should you care to it. The hardest thing for you, now, is getting your head around the fact that she did not care that much about you. This flies in the face of everything society expects of mothers, and even goes against our own evolved instincts. In some way, though, she has malfunctioned: some part of her wiring is faulty. It's sad - certainly for you. But there is nothing you can do.

The only way forward - and it is a bumpy one, I'm afraid - is to accept that she cannot care about you, as most mothers would. It's hard but, once accepted, rewards you with emotional freedom. I wish you all the support you need.

[deburca]

thank you all so much for taking the time to post. I have been so destroyed with all this. As awful as it sounds I feel better knowing that I am not alone and that others have been treated this way by their mothers.

It really is the ultimate rejection isnt it? It feels good for someone else, especially strangers to me, to tell me that what happened is wrong. That she is wrong. The issue is so emotive for even my friends that sometimes I think they are just so gobsmacked about the whole thing that they dont know what to do to help me.

I have a wonderful other half, very supportive but sometimes I just wish he (he is quite a gentle person) or someone would walk up to her and say "what sort of a mother are you - what sort of a person are you, what you did was the shittiest thing you could do to someone" and ask her why she is pursuing this relationship with her siblings without every challenging them. I would like her to have to answer them

its like if an

[blinks]

it's interesting how many of these men who behaved inappropriately were alcoholics.

my dad was too and that became a reason not to believe me as it was deemed his behaviour was 'drunken' as opposed to sexually inappropriate.

from what i've read, sexual abuse in a household with an alcoholic is a lot more likely to happen.

[deburca]

Yes I agree, its like alcohol is the great excuse but as my GP pointed out, have you ever behaved like that to a child when drunk? No! so what does that tell you?

i dont know to be honest if I can ever really forgive my mother, in ways what she did was worse.

she is so selfish about it, she keeps asking me what she can do to help but when I suggest counselling together it is an outright refusal so really what she means is "what can I do to help you that wont annoy me".