Do you think I'm mad ?

[fortyfairy]

MY HUSBAND TOLD ME HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR SIX WEEKS AGO. SINCE THEN HE HAS BEEN AT HIS MOTHERS. I HAVE SAID I WILL HAVE HIM BACK AND WANT TO TRY AGAIN, I STILL LOVE HIM AND WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 23 YEARS WITH TWO CHILDREN.
HE HASN'T FINISHED THINGS WITH HER AND SAYS HE CAN NOT MAKE UP HIS MIND. THIS IS DRAINING ME AND MAKING ME ILL. TIME TO TELL HIS WHERE TO GO ?

[fortyfairy]

Sorry abuot the capitals.

[lilmamma]

I think i would tell him where to go as i wouldnt be able to move on and trust him again,if he was late from work or whatever it would always be at the back of mind and drive me mad,but if you think you can get over this and move,maybe it would be worth a try.

and after 23years and saying he cant make up his mind,well im sorry but i would make it for him,tell him, and tell him where to go and keep my pride,the flammin cheek of him.

will you be ok to go it alone,i have recently split from my hubby after 20 years,it was my choice,as i dont love him anymore,and decided i didnt want to just carry on living like this,ad i love it,the kids still visit him,and we talk and keep in touch,but at the end of the day ,you do whatever is best for you and your family,good luck and stay strong..

[LittleMissHissyFangs]

God that sounds like my Dad! but was 20odd years ago!

If he hasn't finished with her, then don't take him back.

If he's willing to bin your 23 years, his 2 DC and his wife for the sake of OW, then you are better off without him. Trust me.

If he says he is coming back, and wants to try again, he has to end it with her.

If you find out that he has contacted her, he is out on his arse again and you will start very angry divorce proceedings.

I tend to agree with lilmamma. Our family was a billion percent better once the decision to break was made. I now have a rock solid relationship with my mum that I seriously doubt I would have had, if he'd not have left.

[SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass]

Set him a date by which time if he hasn't decided to come back to you, you will file for divorce. there is nothing more miserable than being put in the position of waiting for a man to decide if he will remain with you or not. Usually what he wants is for you to agree he can continue with both of you.

[partytime]

This happened to me too. After discovering my H had OW, he stayed with me for another 10days making up his mind. It was awful,I was tired,ill,emotionally drained. It came to the point where I said it was all or nothing with me, that he had to give her up. He said he couldn't do that and left.

I suffered just 10days of that agony, you've put up with 6 weeks of his weak minded indecision. It's time for him to grow a pair and do the right thing, whatever that may be.

It is cruel, unfair and extremely selfish.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Gah I would tell him to sling his hook, I would never wait for a man to decide whether he wanted me or someone else.

I'm really sorry he's done this to you :(

[ScaryFucker]

what pt said

do not offer to "try again" while he is still embroiled and dithering with OW

what is try for ?

the chance for him to continue with you both ? How utterly soul-destroying

I am sorry love, but you must be very strong and make it entirely clear where you stand or he will never "make his mind up"

btw, he doesn't sound like much of a "prize" to fight for...

[Mumi]

Kick him out.
I would not even be as charitable as SGB by setting a date (unless that date is tomorrow!) as next it will be "I need more time..."...

Sorry you're having to deal with this :(

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

OP After 23 years of marriage and a family, I can understand why you have needed more than 6 weeks from your awful initial shock, to want to throw the towel in.

However, the advice you are getting is what gives you you the best chance of recovering your marriage, if that is your objective. Regard this then as pain for gain.

SGB's advice about giving him a date is spot-on. But by that date, he also has to provide you with incontrovertible proof that this relationship is over and he has severed all connections with the OW. If he works with her, that means getting another job and in the meanwhile, keeping their relationship to professional contact only.

At the moment, your H thinks he has the luxury of time and two women fighting over him. There is no urgent incentive to choose. Make that choice urgent, for two reasons.

First, it will get you what you think you want, quicker.
Second, it will help your mental health.

I hope you haven't said that even if he ends his relationship, you can forgive. You cannot know that yet.

[fortyfairy]

Must admit the longer he is away the less I want him to come back.
Thank you all so much for the advice it is helping me to think a bit straighter and confirm what I think.

[Electribe]

Chipping in my tuppence - if he doesn't know who he wants then he is a loose cannon and frankly a risk to you for years to come.

You know when you want to be with someone beacuse it feels like something is missing when they go and make a cup of tea in the other room.

Why not tell him you need six week with him elsewhere why you decide if you want him back. Seems the boots on the wrong foot here?

[chandra]

Set a deadline, it is not fair on you, either he stays or let you to get on with your life

2 weeks? max? you don't even need to tell him abut it if you don't want to, but after that start clearing his stuff and sorting out the practicalities, as if he had passed away. Give yourself some time to mourn the relationship, routines, etc and then get on with your life.

I'm not saying that it will be easy but I can confidently say that there is nothing more painful and cruel than sitting there not able to move on because the other person is not clear about what he wants.

IMO he already knows he doesn't want to come back otherwise he would have come back, full of regrets, when you offered him to take him back. He might be dithering what to do out of a sense of responsibility and the years you have been together, but surely, you certainly don't want him back in those terms only?

Rescue yourself from such misery and humiliation by letting him go, you have to protect yourself.

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

Sorry, but I agree with the others. The only way I would be considering taking him back was if he had spent those 6 wks camped on the doorstep with a huge placard saying "I'M SORRY. I WAS STUPID. SHE MEANS NOTHING" and begging on the hour, every hour for my forgiveness. I would want tears, grovelling and supreme effort. And even then I would make him suffer!

It shouldn't be him deciding whether or not he comes back- that ball should be firmly in your court, and he should be well aware of that!

I've known women who took their blokes back with little fuss, and those blokes all strayed again- why not? They were confident they could always go back. I know a situation where the guy has a long-term mistress (we are talking 20yrs +) and his wife MUST know. She has kicked him out a few times, but always takes him back (get the feeling his mistress is quite happy with the status quo- she doesn't actually want him full-time!) Everyone knows about it. In some circles, he brings his wife as his partner. In others he is accompanied by his mistress. I guess people are all different, but I couldn't stomach to live as his wife like that. Could you?

Even though you love him, think about the ramifications of taking him back too readily. Good luck, whatever you decide

[oldenoughtowearpurple]

I agree.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if he is dithering at the moment but is doing his dithering at his Mum's rather than knocking down your door and weeping all over you then running off to spend a night with her - then he isn't really dithering, he is plucking up courage to announce he is leaving his wife/kids for Another Woman and/or hoping you will chuck his suits into the street and divorce him forthwith.

[AScaryFuckingLemonadeDrinker]

OP - he has made up his mind love. This sounds like it's steering towards him doing you a favour by returning. He made up his mind when he had the affair, when he then didn't end the affair and then when he was lucky enough to get a chance to conme home. He isn't remotely respectful to you, heis still seeing her -not even getting time alone to think!

[OrangeAgate]

I think he made up his mind when he started the affair. Shows how much he thinks of you. I would tell him it's over and that she is welcome to him. You deserve someone a whole lot better than him.

Take control and have a wonderful life without him.

Good luck.

[Tortington]

in your situation i would tell him nothing. the first my dh would find out about it is through my solicitors as i would instruct divorce procedings. this is after i make sure i am in the best financial situation possible by getting legal advice and visiting the cab.

my dh wouldn't hear another word from me directly. ever.

[fortyfairy]

Problem is I can talk myself in and out of having him back and telling him where to go, you know every morning at about 3am to 5am.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I think you need some perspective here. You were married for 23 years and presumably up until 6 weeks ago, you thought your marriage was intact and everything was fine. You've had the most tremendous shock and I would be amazed if you weren't terribly conflicted right now. Anger can be a very good weapon in a situation like this, because it forces you to take control, especially in a situation like this when your H appears to be dithering and vacillating. In fact I always recommend that in this situation, you make your boundaries very clear - hence the suggested deadline.

However, that's not to say I don't have huge empathy and understanding for your conflict and trauma and understand why you are feeling as you are. And if your H does end his other relationship, I would always advise some calm reflection, because although anger galvanises action, it does get in the way of a decision-making process. There is a time and a place and the time is now.

[fortyfairy]

I hate the loneliness and the long long nights
will things get better ?

[Panzee]

Yes they will. One day I realised I had not woken up at 4.30 am crying. And those times got less and less.

I am so sorry for you. But six weeks is so early. I threw my husband out when he was 'deciding' and he went to OW's. And split up with her a month later. :o :o I have to admit it felt good asking him to leave.