Oversensitive?

[Bergitte]

Will try to keep this short. Just wanted to check I wasn't the only one who finds some of their (non-bereaved) friends lacking.
To contextualise a bit, I have a Mum who shouted and hollered through my childhood and has left me finding it difficult to trust other women. I do make friends with women but worry a lot about those relationships in a way I never have done with men.
One of my twin boys died at 1 month old suddenly 3 years ago. It was a horrible horrible time but after a couple of months I went along to the clinic with my surviving son and somehow managed to make a few Mum friends.
There were 2 in particular who I got together with a lot. From the start I always toned down my grief around them as we were new mums (plus I wanted to escape tbh) so would put a brave face on a lot of the time. These friendships really helped me to feel less alone locally at an awful time. Having been through fertility tx, a twin pregnancy and cot death I felt like the freak Mum and sharing time with them made me feel more normal.
So far so good... what I'm struggling with is this. I have sometimes talked about my son with these friends and on occasion they've been sweet although as mentioned before I've tried not to be too heavy. I think I may have been expecting some support from them in the past year and there's been very little at crucial times. I went through a second cycle of ICSI last autumn which worked and then I miscarried early on. One of these friends was quite supportive but the other one seemed a bit oblivious. Then when I was taking initial drugs for the 3rd cycle early this year one of them piped up that she was going to start trying for number 2 that month and how excited she was. Even though my cycle failed she told me she thought she was pregnant before she'd even tested (she was!)
I had to be supportive to her during her pregnancy whilst trying to come to termas with the fact that my survivior wasn't going to have another sibling (which ahs been heart breaking).

The past month or so have been really hard as it's my boys' birthday and then a month later it's the anniversary of my son's death. I had my 41st birthday right in the middle which is that anniversary of my boys' coming home. My periods have also started going a bit wonky just to add insult to the no more babies theme.
I mentioned at the beginning of this time that it's tough for us but at no time have either friend mentioned it. a few weeks ago I was really struggling and at the end of mone playdate one of them asked if I was ok, I said no and she said I should ring her later. I texted her to say sorry I was miserable etc and see her soon but got no reply!!
Now they've forgotten my birthday even though it's right in the middle of all this c**p. I was touched at those that did remember as I didn't do anything about it. I'm hurt about these 2 though as we always do something for each other (e.g. cook a meal or go out). Fair enough one of them did have a baby 2 days after it!!!

I know I'm possibly being over sensitive but I don't have a sense of normal perspective. I do have other friends too but just really want to feel like a normal Mum and have Mummy friends despite all that 's happened...

Sorry too for talking so much


Forgot to add,

I have to work f/t as my DH doesn't earn much. He's been at home with DS. Another reason why it's hard to feel like a proper Mummy and why I've valued the few Mum friends I've managed to make.

Sorry, am feeling sorry for myself today!

[Doigthebountyeater]

I think you are just sad (rightly so) and feel that other people should pick nup on this. Unfortunately I have come to realise that other people are usually just so busy with their own upos and downs that they forget the long stretching effects of a tragic situation. Friends are not always as supportive as we would like them to be but I just remind myself that often they have got things on their own minds which we are not thinking about. I am speaking from experience here, btw, as I have been through some horrid shit myself and on a couple of occasions have been let down really badly.

It occurs to me that you may be looking for them to help you through your grief and they just might not be able to do that. Some people just can't. Don't confuse friendship with the role of a counsellor and don't write off friendships just because people can be a bit crap and forgetful - we are all guilty of that.

[buttonmoon78]

You've really been through the mill, haven't you. I'm sorry you've had so much grief.

Maybe part of the issue with your friends is that you hid it early on? Maybe they're thinking if you were 'ok' (in their eyes) then, why on earth wouldn't you be even better than that now?

As a busy mum of 3, I can honestly say that I am not the world's best friend. I often mean to do more than I do and I do try to be there for my friends, but ultimately, if my dcs or dh needs me, they are my priority.

I hope you feel better soon.

One more question - did you go for counselling after the death of your ds? If you did, was it beneficial and would you consider going for more? If not, perhaps now's the time to go? I think you are still grieving (I know you will never stop grieving really) and your acceptance that ds may well remain an only could be compounding your loss.

[Doigthebountyeater]

Sorry about the typos. I have got a new laptop and I haven't worked out how to type well on it yet!

[RunnerHasbeen]

Perhaps they sense that they are your escapism friends and try to act as normally as possible, thinking this is what will help - and it has done, you say, in the past. It is also very difficult to have supportive conversations in a group. The fact one said you could ring her later is a good sign that she would want to help and talk to you, but is aware of being in a situation that doesn't make it easy. Not replying to a text means nothing, but if I thought a friend needed support and I offered it but received a cancelling text instead - I wouldn't call - I would take my cues from you and let it lie. If you apologise for being miserable, I would take it as a sign not to mention it again not as a hint you wanted to talk.

I would guess that they do care but they think you don't want to talk to them about these things. I don't think it is anyone lacking or wrong - just a communication issue. I think if you make it slightly clearer you need a shoulder to cry on there will be a few ready and waiting.

[Bergitte]

Thank you loads :)

Doig - sorry to hear you've been through the mill too. Some situations can make you feel very isolated :(

Button - You're right about it being tricky maintaining friendships and family life. I've had 3 lots of counselling and I feel it's been a lifeline because NOBODY would be able to cope with the amount of talking I've needed to do!! Not a magic cure though tbh.

Runner - I've always had problems understanding what was a normal amount of support to give and expect in a friendship. I'm one of those annoying people who want to give but can be quite buttoned up and proud about reaching out and asking for help. Trust I guess. Also there have been times when I've tried it and it hasn't worked! I also feel like I don't "get" friends sometimes ie I get worried if someone repeatedly doesn't ring or text back although I say nothing and do my utmost not to be "needy"

I think these sorts of things have always been tricky for me (and lots of people!) but I guess I'm even more oversensitive nowadays. I'm in a situation which scares the s**t out of (and can alienate) people. I've leant on a couple of old old friends who understand loss but have no wish to scare off new people IYSWIM

Thanks for some other opinions. ALways helps!