Give us a hand with this one-am I being ridiculous?

[PeppermintPasty]

I suppose I should namechange or something but I can't be arsed with that. I've been with my DP for about 10 years. He was very young when we got together and I'm 13 yrs older. Rocky times about 4-5 yrs ago when I found out he'd cheated on an epic scale. This episode sort of unravelled his life-and mine-I got rid of him, but I was pregnant.(roll eyes now).

Fast fwd to now-I can't overstate how much work he(and I) did in the interim to get things back on track. It took a bloody long time but we've been very happy and we've both found that being parents is something we completely love. He's found his niche being a Dad.

Issues have remained. Not with infidelity or anything like that. I believe he is fundamentally committed to me and our 2 children(6 month old to add to the fun). The issues are around him acting like a kid at times. I have clearly been guilty in the (probably recent) past of acting like his mother in some ways. It's just been bloody unavoidable at times. All the things that will be running through your heads now(assuming you've not nodded off) about younger men/older women have been analysed to death by me at any one time.

ANYWAY....the issue is-he can't control himself when there's a party or a do(usually locally in our village) to go to ie he will tell me he's coming back and will get so pissed that he won't turn up til the morning after saying he won't be late etc etc. happens roughly every 3 months. My view is that I don't care about the going out-I trust him. I just think he should not at any time go AWOL because of the children. If he said to me "i'm going out on a bender for so & so's bday and i won't be back til the morning" that would be ok in my book if once in a blue moon. Plus his mobile is always out of reception(we're very rural)and my blood boils when this happens, particularly when our 3 yr old wants him and wants to know where he is.

Even if he pops to the pub"for an hour" in the week it ends up being for three, tho he doesn't even drink much.-This is ALL the bloody time, not just every 3 mths.

This sounds petty when reading it back but i don't know how to move on from this impasse(not really talking, him on sofa-his choice). It's becoming a deal breaker in my head.

Tell me if you think I need to get a life and get over it. Thanks if you got this far.

[SaggyHairyArse]

I don't think you should "get over it". My DH (who I am separated from) did similar things and I think it is incredibly juvenile and disrespectful to not indicate when you will be home and inform your OH if this changes.

He needs to grow up IMO! It is one thing having a life and another to just carry on like you are single when you have responsibilies i.e children.

[loves2walk]

I would hate that. The being uncontactable and coming home much later than planned - I used to have this with my DH and it caused me so much stress. After much pointing out of how upsetting it was, he now doesn't do it and will let me know his plans. It's not being controlling, just being fair on the other person to let them know where you are so they know you're not lying in a ditch somewhere.

is there another mobile network you could switch too for better reception?

[garciasangria]

No, you're not being ridiculous, and it absolutely does NOT sound pety. It would be a deal breaker for me.
Is 'his choice' to sleep on sofa! Omg, he's the one who's stayed out all night, is uncontactable etc. I wouldn't put up with it, no way!

[Bucketcrutch]

He has been unfaithful in the past? all the signs you have mentioned there ring alarm bells in my head that he is doing it again.

It is unfair for him to say he will be an hour but actually be 3 hours. It shows that he is either only thinking about himself or to busy to worry about you and the DC.

Tell him to buck up or get out!!!!

[PeppermintPasty]

Thanks guys, sorry I didn't get back last night-vomiting baby..!

I'm glad the consensus is that I'm not being unreasonable-sometimes perspective goes out of the window.

Bucket, I'm totally sure he's not doing it again, I know he really loves me and his little family-part of the growing up he did at the time was realising that he didn't have the greatest of starts in his own family. he's completely committed to us now. He also knows that if it ever happened again his feet wouldn't touch the ground.

It's how to deal with this-L2Walk, I've done a great deal of pointing out too! but this seems to be where we end up-I'm not happy to the point of thinking it's a deal breaker, and he thinks I'm overreacting and thinks if he puts his head down it'll go away.

He has just said this morning that he'll plan ahead if he ever goes out, and always make sure his phone is charged etc.Very kind I'm sure.

As for the sofa thing, well, he did that cos he knew I was mad as hell with him haha! It can't go on though. God, if I was faced with sorting this out or potentially losing my family, I know what I would do! Why are some men so bloody stoopid!!

Thanks. Any more clever ideas about how to handle this greatly appreciated.[hsmile]

[loves2walk]

Hope your baby is better now peppermint

And I really hoped he helped with all the cleaning up etc of last night.

You are right - some people can be so bloody stupid and not hear what you are saying, even though you are saying it time and time again. I used to have very slack boundaries around this type of thing, like you I didn't mind the late nights and drinking as long as I was told in advance and kept informed etc.

But I did mind the occasional night of being told DH was off for a few drinks at 7pm, then after no sign of him and no contact on mobile going to bed myself 11pmish, to wake at 2am find DH not in bed and then spend an hour or so worrying that he was dead in a gutter somewhere, only to go downstairs and find him asleep on the loo, with key in front door and door wide open. Then have the next day wrecked through tiredness and a hungover grump hanging round.

I seemed unable to get through that it was a dealbreaker, so I feel for you there.

For me, it was only when this behaviour was combined with other totally disrespectful actions and more hiding head in sand/ignoring my upset, that I posted here for other people's views and was totally horrified at how other people were saying there is no way they would put up with the type of behaviour that I was facing, so I phoned Relate for support for me, phoned a family law solicitor for advice and presented it all to DH. He hit rock bottom and realised what an arse he'd been for years. he was very distressed and has done loads of work to address his issues. The Relate counsellor has also helped me to put boundaries of what is and is not acceptable in place. I feel really uncomfortable with this as it feels very controlling to me, but I can see it is right, fair and necessary.

Maybe it isn't necessary if you're with someone who is able to set their own boundaries, but in my case my DH wasn't able to for whatever reason and it sounds as though your DH isn't either.

Maybe you need to sit him down, emphasis how important it is to you that he hears what you are saying, tell him how unhappy you are, what the alternative is if he doesn't take you seriously and work through reasonable boundaries that you are both happy with.

Sorry I've just gone off on one about this! Hope it helps [hsmile]

[loves2walk]

Sorry peppermint should have said your DP, not DH!

[PeppermintPasty]

it does, thanks. it absolutely mirrors our situation. i think as well, because we(well, me)had some truly hideous crap to deal with all those years ago, i sometimes think-well, at least we're not back there...-which i know is not the way to think!! but it does grind me down sometimes.

i certainly have told him the alternative-i'm at a time now where i just don't want this juvenile stuff, and there's just no compromise when it comes to the DCs.

i was thinking about relate, maybe even just for me, but they were a bit rubbish when we went to them before, so i'm wary of going again. i know what you mean also about feeling controlling, i wish there was another way(well having a grown up other half would do it!!). thanks so much.

[perfumedlife]

You don't need counselling, you need a locksmith!

Good god, if my dh did that once, styed out all night with out a phone call, it would be divorce. Seriously. How little he respects you.

That's your problem. He doesn't respect you, or your relationship, and very possibly it's precisely because you took him back after his epic infidelity.

[PeppermintPasty]

well, i certainly said to him this morning that he has no respect for me and ultimately, his dc too, which he denies of course. i do think it's a respect issue, and i do think that if it happens again the family unit as we know it now will stop as i will chuck him out. that's a big thing though, for me, and i assume everyone else. that's what i want to gauge-whether i'm being ridiculous about it, which patently i'm not. perfumed, your reaction is on my scale, but i'm not there atm, iyswim.

[perfumedlife]

I can see how hard it is, it must wear you down and start to seem 'normal' but you and I know it's not. It's no way to care and love your family, leaving them open to all this worry.

I would really hammer home the point, if he stays out again, don't come back. If he has to walk about a cold villiage all day, he may think on.

Even going to the pub and staying longer is bad. There are phones, landlines, in pubs, so the signal thing is pants. And why sit about a pub for three hours, barely drinking, when he could be at home enjoying his kids and partner?

Feel for you, please don't accept more, the more you take the more they give.

[WowOoo]

No way ridiculous.

I would not be able to cope with another child in my house.

So, you don't need to get on with it, but you need to change how you deal with him and start getting tough. Seems you've put up with it for a while. Hope you can work it out with minimum arguments, I really do.

[phipps]

I think to be out of contact when you have children is just not on. I had an emergency situation with the children and couldn't get hold of DH when he was at work. His receptionist was amazing when I explained the situation and went and found him and sent him home. That was stressful enough when he was found so I can imagine how much worse it is when you have no way of doing that.

[loves2walk]

You are right perfumedlife that for some people - the more you give, the more they take. It's absolutely right. But not for everyone. I have massive amounts of freedom, I don't ever extend it, take the piss and cause my DH worry over my whereabouts. I don't see why some people think it is OK to treat another - especially your co-parent, with so little respect.

I have asked my DH this question and he just has no adequate answer [hsad]

On a more positive note, I do believe someone can be forced into realising how hurtful and disrespectful this type of behaviour is to another and then change. I have seen my DH change massively and I don't think he will do this type of staying out stuff again. So there is hope peppermint.

Why it should take this type of parenting of an OH is completely beyond me though?

[BlingLoving]

I think it's about more than respect. It's about a sense of responsibility. Your DP doesn't seem to feel he has a responsibility to you or your family. What would happen if he went to the pub for "an hour" and you were due to do something or go somewhere after that and needed him home to look after the DC or whatever? Would he still turn up after 3 hours?

This kind of behaviour is based on a basic assumption that it is your responsibility to be around for the children, to plan for them and to care for them and that anything he does is a favour of some sort to you.

I suspect, from what you're saying here, that he doesn't even realise that this is what he's doing.

My DH, before we got married, had a habit of doing this. But eventually, through multiple conversations I was able to make him understand it was not about me being controlling but about him showing that he's aware of what I need and think. However, it wasn't until one night I went for dinner with some girlfriends and didn't realise the restaurant had late opening hours and therefore that it was very late without telling DH that he truly understood properly!

[anklebitersmum]

I know exactly how you feel. Hubby did the very same type of thing for a good long while and to be honest I despaired that he would ever 'get it' as regards how it made me feel and how unreasonable his behaviour was. It's not very grown up but after too many discussions and 'talks' I decided the best way forward was just to give him a taste of his own medicine.
Off I went at 7pm for a night with the girls(curry and no alcohol-pregnant at the time)saying that I wouldn't be late and after the meal quite deliberately went back to a friends house where we chatted until the early hours, all the while with my phone off.
There was one very worried, angry hubby waiting for me at 2am when I arrived home-saying all the things I had said to him so many times before.
Long story short, he had a wake up call as everything he said I countered with 'but it's OK for you though, right?' and example after example.
With the shoe firmly on the other foot (especially since I was pregnant) he suddenly saw what a class A jerk he'd been being and actually apologised. I really think that as we were both sober he got to see the issues I had had without the 'you're just cross because I'm drunk' routine.
Now I'd be a liar if I said it worked 100% but the frequency is down to once in the last 2 years, suddenly the mobile always works no matter where he is(I'd recommend Vodaphone for reception by the way) and he hasn't once been later than 1am on an 'approved' night out since. We also go out together more-out early, back early both up for the kids.
Like I said, not very grown up, and not for everyone (and I certainly don't recommend a regular tit for tat as that's just going to cause more aggravation) but in my case, as a point made, sober one off it was very effective.

[PeppermintPasty]

yes, my DP has changed and grown up so so much in the last few yrs. I think he sometimes feels that he has made such strides that what he is doing now is nothing by comparison, and i should let it go, which to me is childish. He just doesn't see how unhappy it makes me, how distant i then feel from him.

Those feelings, for me, are not a million miles away from me preferring to be on my own.

[PeppermintPasty]

x post with bling and ankle. i just wrote a damn reply and it got lost!! got to go as babe awake, cheers people

[perfumedlife]

Oh I agree loves2walk, i have complete freedom and wouldn't dream of abusing it in such a way.

Perhaps they really cannot see just how worrying it can be when they are out the loop. Maybe anklebiters remedy is worth a try A long, lazy day and night out, no signal and no call. See how he likes it.

Worth a try to hammer home the point. My worry with that is incase he just sees it as tit for tat and does it back with more vigour

When I was pregnant with ds, dh went out with the guys from work, not answering mobile, not in when he said he would be. Finally he rocked up at 2am, couldn't even get his key in the door. I left him there, still trying to open the door for an hour. Finally I opened it, told him to get a hotel, and not come back until he grew up. He had work the next day and no clean clothes. I did think of packing a bag but then thought, why make it easy He got a hotel, went to work, sent flowers and apologised profusely and begged to be allowed home. He never did it again.

The thing is, when this starts, you need to come down hard on it, at the time.

[PeppermintPasty]

it is a good idea, but of course it's not something I'M comfortable doing, and he has the comfort of knowing that.

[anklebitersmum]

aha! and there in lies the rub :( he knows it PP. Mine was sat in the same comfortable position too.....until this particular worm turned :0
Doesn't mean you have to turn permanently, just enough to make him realise that you mean it. Mine had altered from his single life going out antics when we got together and toned down again before we got to the 'that's IT!' stage on my part.
Trouble was he was of the opinion that he may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, so once he was an hour late, two would be just as much drama, and so on and so forth until it's 5am and he's not home yet and then, BOOM!!!!
Have altered how we do it on 'approved evenings'. He doesn't make any promises as to how drunk or early he'll be but does agree that after 3am is a major issue. That way he gets some 'freedom' timings wise and not look hen-pecked and I can go to bed because I'm not expecting him so I'm not worried.
Treat him like you do the kids, from now on never threaten anything you're not willing to follow through on and the if he crosses the line ACT (even if you don't really want to). You don't have to threaten to leave but you do have to decide on a short sharp shock that you're willing to DO, that ideally won't put you out of pocket-even if it's saying right, 'if you're not in by 3 you're staying out' and if he's not back just bagging up all his clothes and dumping them on the lawn with a note. Once you've locked up thoroughly go to bed-now he's out for the night regardless and amazingly enough it does stop the worrying about lying in a gutter etc etc.
Chances are you'll have the row of all rows the next afternoon at some point but more often than not a good thunderstorm clears the air ;)

[QueenOfProcrastination]

It seems your DH doesn't understand why it is so important that he comes home when he says, and is contactable. To try to make him understand this ask him to imagine your DC as teenagers saying they'll be back at 10pm but not doing so, and not being contactable on mobiles when he phones to find out where they are. Perhaps if he thinks about worrying about where they are he'll begin to understand how you feel.

Does he ever have the DC on his own when you go out? If not, arrange a girls night out. I'm not suggesting that you then replicate his behaviour, just that he may begin to appreciate how frustrating it is to be stck at home with DC asking where parent is and when they'll be back, and at least he'll be able to answer their questions with absolute certainty, unlike you!

[PeppermintPasty]

hmmm, i've done the clothes-dumping in the past, but if i have to adopt such desperate measures ever again it really will be over...!

i take the points , but what we have here is an individual so laid back about this sort of thing that he wouldn't wonder where i was, but would simply get on with it. and yes, he has the dc's all the time-like other posters have said, i have loads of freedom quite rightly, as does he. it's just that i don't abuse it.

i mean, he has lots and lots of good points-he deals with them roughly equally when he's at home-bearing in mind i'm on maternity and he's FT at work. also, it looks like he'll be leaving work middle of next yr so i can go FT as that's the best option financially. but that is exactly why all this has to be straightened out!

so damn frustrating!! i think he's listening a bit now, we'll see.

[PeppermintPasty]

forgot to say thankyou, again. thanks for replying, all of you.