My mother

[AbsofCroissant]

I don't know what to do about the woman. I love her, in many respects she has been a great mother and when she's not running around being a pain in the arse she can be quite lovely. Only at the moment, she is being a complete pain in the arse.

There are the following problems:

• She seems to have little respect for my decisions. For e.g., last year my DB was having a big family dinner, for religious reasons I can't eat everything that was being served (particularly as DB and his wife think that every meal should be about 70% meat). I had discussed with SIL, offered to bring my own food, she said no problem, she'll prepare something different for me (and she loves cooking, so I know she'd like doing this sort of thing). Mom decided that, for whatever reason, this would be too much hassle for SIL (without asking SIL) and instead called her and said that she (Mom) would buy me a fecking READY MEAL from Tesco to eat on the day. I said that's ridiculous, especially since SIL had agreed to an alternative. In the end, I cooked my own separate part of the meal, and everyone was happy. Apart from Mom
  
• She always sides with other people against me.
  

This has been going on for years. At school I was bullied by some of the other pupils, it totally destroyed my self-confidence and I spent most of my teens feeling pretty miserable. Apparently though, this is what "children do - don't be so dramatic about it" and that it was my fault, in some way. To this DAY she defends these people. Then, more recently, I had an issue at work where my two managers were bullying me and another colleague. That colleague and I both ended up resigning. Everyone we worked with thought that these two women were terrible, were treating us badly and should be pulled up on it by HR. Apart from my own mother, who again thought that it was my own fault somehow, and that I shouldn't be so rude about these two women. Also, my older SIL and my brother were being particularly nasty to me for a while, always trying to start fights, criticising me and my life choices, swearing at me etc. etc. I tried talking to them, with no result. Mom refused to talk to them saying "your SIL has had a hard life" [she left home 15 years ago]. She even refused to talk to SIL when she and DB started causing every family event to descend into a power struggle - they always had to dictate where, when, who would be there, what time. In the end, other SIL intervened and they are now trying to be nice to me.

• Almost every time I speak to her, she makes some kind of passive-aggressive dig at me. Last week I called her and had "you shouldn't complain that you've had such a hard life [I don't], one of the Chilean miners ...." blah blah blah. Yesterday it was "Well, it was nice talking to you when you're not so grumpy" (previous phone call I was fine until she started yapping) and when trying to arrange a meet-up "it's such a pain that you eat kosher and your SIL doesn't eat dairy" (FYI - SIL isn't eating dairy, because she's BFing DN who is lactose intollerant and gets reflux. But WE'RE the selfish ones ). Meanwhile, she too is impossible to feed. You can't give her - garlic, onions, spicy food, vegetables that aren't cooked until nearly dead, anything new or vaguely exotic, too much bread etc. etc.
  

If she was not my mother, I would have cut her out of my life years ago. Everytime I try to make a break for it, she gets all whiny and starts crying about how I'm such a terrible daughter, she's just tried her best, she really loves me, will try to change, but then carries on with exactly the same shit as before.

Sorry it's so long, but it could be so much longer with all the crap she throws my way. I guess I'm just needing to vent as she's been doing my head in so much. She's so FUCKING STUBBORN - she's the only person who's ever right about anything, on any topic. I've now given up arguing with her about things, as she'll never agree with me, or accept that her way is anything but The Right Way. And if you do do crazy things in discussions like introducing facts or logic, she starts crying and saying that you're being mean. AAAAAAAAARGH.

[AbsofCroissant]

The feeling I get is that I'm not the daughter she wanted. She's never expressly said as much (it's not her style), but she constantly tells me to change things about myself, into things that are her ideal. She thinks I'm too emotional, should get married ASAP and have children ASAP, that I should stop working once married, that I should be more meek and quiet, that I should be living with my parents (despite moving out nearly 10 years ago, with great joy) and so on. She once said "if we were still living in South Africa, you would probably come around with DP all the time for dinner and things. And we'd see you a lot, rather than you being so far away" (it's half an hour by train).

[FakePlasticTrees]

Sorry you're having such a hard time with her. I think others will be along to give you better advice, but if it was me, I'd start cutting contact. Don't call her. Don't arrange to see her. Not a big "I'm cutting you out!" conversation needed, just don't be available and don't tell her about your life.

[MrsSOAK]

hi
I don't have anything constuctive to say but I didn't want to read and run!
My mother was exceptionally annoying, I had various issues with her (she told me, time and again that I was not what she wanted, I should have been a boy etc) and we had some right humdingers of rows but she was my mum and I loved her very much. She has been dead now for 2 and a half years and since I have had my dd (13months old) I find I miss her more and more

[CelticStarlight]

It sounds like she is making you really unhappy. I have a simple rule for people in my life, if they are kind to me and make me happy they are more than welcome to share my life - and receive kindness and care in return. If they are unkind or think I am there in some way to serve them or be their emotional punchbag then they are out the door.

Life is very short and they are loads of lovely people to share it with. Don't be guilted or shamed into putting up with objectionable behaviour from blood relatives. You are an adult and entitled to live your life any way you please as long as you aren't deliberately hurting anybody else.

[mosschops30]

absof i was just going to come on and post about my mother, who in a lot of ways sounds like yours.
Have you looked at the daughter of a narcissist website, a lot of it rang true with me and I now treat my mother as someone with an actual condition.

She too is impossible to keep happy, when she used to come and stay with us (dh has now banned her from overnights) she would cause hell between us and the dc's, moan about pillows (even changed hers for ours when we were out), would only eat certain things, no garlic or spices, or tomatoey things.
This morning she rung and commented that she got my text on saturday but didnt reply, because she knew the only reason I txt was because I was bored , I cant win because she spends the rest of the time moaning that I dont phone her or text her enough.

I could go on and on, but wont bore you. I know that feeling of 'if you werent my mother I would never speak to you again', youre not alone

[mosschops30]

just read your next post about being too emotional, apparently I am too 'hard', she doesnt know why ive grown up like this when shes so over emotional

[nameymcnamechange]

I speak to my mother once a fortnight for about 45 minutes, and she comes to stay with us for about 3 or 4 weekends a year, and I might see her for another odd day here and there during the year. She lives about 70 miles away from me. I never tell her anything about my life, apart from the superficial stuff. That is about as much contact as I want or need (she would like more) and I can just about get along with her if we keep to those rules.

Do you think you could reduce the amount of contact you have down to that sort of level?

[AbsofCroissant]

I've greatly reduced the amount of contact from what we had previously. Earlier this year we had quite the run in, and at the time I was having a ridiculously rough time with DP - and as he's the most important person in my life, he took priority. I was then recommended the book "If you had controlling parents" on MN, and so much of it rang true and it helped a LOT. It also helped me realise that I was starting to exhibit some of the controlling behaviour that she uses, and put a stop to it pretty quickly. For e.g., despite her believing that people shouldn't get "emotional", she does it all the time - she'll start crying and complaining and saying that you don't love her etc. etc. until you back down and she gets her way. I noticed that I was starting to try to control DP by having emotional blowouts, and when I realised this, I consciously put a stop to it, as I don't want him (or anyone else) to go through this - the whole being controlled thing. My solemn vow is that I will NEVER be like this to any children I have. It's exhausting and horrible.

On the one hand it is difficult, because I would like a good relationship with my parents, but it is impossible. I'm the one who's expected to make all the effort - I have to call or else I get an earful, I have to go and visit everyone and traipse around the countryside. I lived in Scotland for four years, was expected to come back (at a minimum) once every six months, possibly more. During that whole time - she visited once (when I graduated) and even then, I had to pay for her and Dad's accomodation and then put them up in MY bed. DB moved to the same area in January, and they had booked to visit him before he'd even moved. When I went back to SA on vacation last year, she was telling me which of her friends I should visit and that I should take over money to buy them cakes. When I said "no. It's my vacation - I paid for it" she said "well, I paid for your education so you could get a job to be able to afford such holidays etc. etc." and basically had a go at me for not traipsing around the countryside giving her friends gifts. The woman's insane.