Don't know what to do about DH's temper

[foggybrain]

Name changed for this post.

DH has always had a bit of a temper, which will very occasionally explode - generally triggered by silly things and taking the form of ranting and raving but occasionally throwing things. Once he broke his foot when he kicked a wall in a temper. In that incident, I was frightened of him and we almost broke up because of it.

Fast forward and we have one DC (2) and another on the way in a few weeks. I've noticed he's been getting stressed recently. Some financial issues have come to light, that he has lied to me about over the past couple of years. I've been v short with him as I've been so angry and worried.

This evening though DH really lost his temper. We were all in car and he was being tailgated by another car which tried to overtake as DH swung into our drive (DH hadn't indicated so at fault too IMO). Cue DH beeping the horn, unleashing string of expletives, leaping out of the car, shouting and swearing at other driver, me shouting at him to calm down etc...

Other car drove off thank goodness and DH then proceeded to throw shopping into house, breaking some of it (eggs etc). Meanwhile our 2 year old is whimpering in back seat, completely terrified. I was concerned with comforting DC and we went into living room.

DH banged around kicthen slamming things for a bit, then came into living room and started acting as if nothing had happened. No apology except sarcastic one when I was glaring at him. I told him he had to apologise to DC (which he has done and DC seems ok). Felt I needed to keep facade of normality up whilst getting DC in bed.

Since then DH has disappeared upstairs on his computer. He knows I am furious. His usual tactic in any conflict is to ignore and stonewall when I try to discuss anything and hope I'll drop it in time.

This is not the first incident - he recently shouted at a woman that she was a 'fucking whore' in front of DC and I in the car. It seems he feels utterly justified in behaving this way. It isn't just heat of the moment, he won't accept he is wrong after the event either.

I feel so sorry for our DC to have to witness this. I really feel like this kind of behaviour is a deal breaker for me. Am worried about DC, and whether this could be traumatising. I was frightened of my father growing up and I would hate for that to happen to my child. DH/DC usually have a lovely relationship and DC2 is due in a few weeks.

Sorry this is so long, just really have no idea what to do now and need some perspectives :(

[scottishmummy]

he sound explosively mad and scary,in front of dc too.not good.and you pg too.

do you want to stay- if so he need tio fix this
if you go - where?

practically who can/will help you
is house in joint names
what bout money

poor you,what awful situation

[mathanxiety]

Read 'Why Does He Do That -- Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men' by Lundy Bancroft.

You can't do anything about this problem of his. He needs to fix it himself. It's all his, and no matter what the cause or occasion is, it's not up to you to fix him. You could try telling him at a quiet moment, maybe one morning before he heads out (rather than in the evening when he comes home and you have the night ahead of you) that what he does is unacceptable, and ask him what he intends to do to fix his problem.

Beware of his anger though, especially as you have a toddler and are pregnant. If you don't feel safe bringing up the subject with him, then it's time for you to start thinking about your legal options.

[foggybrain]

It was - explosive is a good word. And yes, it is scary when he is like that for me, let alone 2 year old. Thing is he is lovely and fine 99% of the time. But I just cannot have him acting like this - if it was just me, fine, but not with DC to think of.

Cannot see how practical to split up - baby due in matter of weeks, have serious PGP so fairly disabled on day to day basis, have no spare cash (partly due to the financial shite), nowhere really to go and he won't leave. (I actually told him I wanted him to go to his Mum's this evening but he has chosen to ignore that) Can't really disrupt DC just before new sibling arrives. House is joint, majority of bills in my name/my account.

I think he knows we won't really split up right now - how can we given all the above? Feel like a complete idiot for getting pg again with him - it was planned.

[foggybrain]

Math - I have had calm conversations with him. He usually apologises, but is just saying what he thinks I want to hear as it doesn't stop it happening again. More recently he has stopped apologising and has starting being more belligerent - still will not accept he was in the wrong with the woman he called a whore (what a word to use) for example.

[Hassled]

He needs to sort himself out, but he has to want to sort himself out, and from what you've said he feels that there's no problem. Does he have any idea that this might be a deal-breaker for you? Does he realise how big an issue this is? Is it learned behaviour, do you think - what's his father like?

You're absolutely right, this is no environment for a 2 year old and it can't be doing his/her any good at all. You have a lot of thinking to do - I'm sorry.

[Hassled]

X post.
I wish I had some great advice for you. Do you have supportive family nearby?

[drippingwithbloodandbraingoo]

foggy I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I am in a similar situation with my dh

Would your dh consider seeking help / counselling re managing his temper?

[foggybrain]

Hssled, thanks. I do have family nearby, although wouldn't be comfortable discussing with most of them. Could have chat to my sister.

I don't really want to split up, but I want him to stop behaving like this. From what he's said, his Dad was very similar when he was growing up - very passive and laid back then prone to sudden unpredictable outbursts.

[foggybrain]

dripping sorry you are in similar situation. I don't think he would. I was in counselling a while ago and brought up idea of couples counselling, but he seemed to think the issues were all with me. I thought so too at the time, and we were actually getting on really well after rough patch after DC born, hence planning another DC.

[SurreyAmazon]

I feel terrible for you and your DC!

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice but do hope he gets it sorted out soon because he will one day run into someone with a worse temper and nothing to lose.

I remember sitting in traffic one day when two male drivers got into an argument; it soon turned into a shouting match with swearing and cursing on both sides. One of them walked back to his car and pulled out something. I knew it was a gun because of the way he was holding it plus his female companion (much older, I think it was his Mother) started grabbing at him screaming hysterically 'No, don't!!'. She clung onto him till the other driver drove off. I will never forget how much she was shaking; he on the other hand was quite calm :-(

[FeedMeSeymour]

Sorry you're going through this. My DP used to be like this years ago when our DS was a toddler. His outbursts used to scare DS and it made me furious. Like your DH he would act completely normally within minutes of exploding which just made me more angry.

I sat him down a couple of days after one outburst and calmly laid it on the line. I told him that DS was my priority, not his temper, I made it very clear what he was doing to DS - and to me - which horrified him, that I would not tolerate it and that if it ever happened again he would be gone. I left him in no doubt that I was serious because I was. It really was a dealbreaker and I would have gone through with it.

Fortunately he took it on board and made huge changes. He still loses his temper from time to time, as do I, but I've never seen a repeat of his past unacceptable behaviour.

Maybe you could try the same, talk to him when he's calm about the impact his behaviour is having and may continue to have throughout your DC's childhood. But if you're going to give him an ultimatum you've got to mean it and be prepared to go through with it. I wish you luck.

[foggybrain]

Surrey :( I have always been afraid that one day he will get into a fight and really hurt someone, or be hurt.

He has just come down to enquire about dinner with hangdog look, then disappeared again when I said I'd had toast.

I will have to go to bed soon, cannot stay awake this pregnancy, but thank you everyone for your views - I'll come back again tomorrow.

[foggybrain]

Feedme - thank you, you give me hope. that's what I want to happen for us too.

[scottishmummy]

after birth do talk to your gp/hv.what about relate?

he needs to do some exploration and work on why 99% good guy and then whaaaaaam total bampot.the unpredictability is no way to live

you need to look after your health,conserve your energy. hope pg proceed ok

do you have anyone can mediate for you.anyone he will listen to

[drippingwithbloodandbraingoo]

I think it might help if talked to someone (like your sister) about this. Get her perspective

Also think about the extent to which this behaviour really is a deal breaker for you. You say he's lovely 99% of the time, ok so pick a moment when he's calm and being 'lovely' to bring it up with him again - not tonight, but maybe tomorrow when you're both calm? If you could see yourself leaving him one day over this, I think you should tell him - not in a confrontational way, but calmly, maybe making it clear that you love him, and try to focus the conversation on solutions

God listen to me. WTF do I know

[FeedMeSeymour]

I hope it does foggy I really, really do.

I'm probably doing the whole sex a disservice but I do think that with many men unless you absolutely lay it on the line as to the consequences of their behaviour they will just carry on thinking they can get away by being nice after the event and hope us women will forget about it.

[Triggles]

My DH has been having issues with a horrible temper over the last two years. I honestly think in his case that he began losing control of it when he was hit with depression. We had a number of hits financially, medically, emotionally all at the same time over a 6 month period, and it was particularly hard on DH, and he simply did not deal with it well. Since then he has found it a struggle to control his temper. He's taking meds for depression, and while I know he is working on it, he still has a long way to go, and the GP is not much help. They lined him up for counselling and it took almost 3 months for them to get an initial call from a counsellor, even though they later told him he sounded like he was dangerously stressed and depressed at the time. And he just had to struggle along for 3 months!! And the counsellor simply talked to him on the phone for 10 minutes every 2 weeks for about 6 weeks, and has just recently said he's fine now. Which is sooooo not the case! So back to the GP DH goes on Monday to demand further assistance.

sorry, bit of a rant... but I think every situation is different. If you can't get him to see someone, can you go yourself to see where you are in this and help you figure out what you want?

[mathanxiety]

Article here on the cycle of abuse.

Although depression/stress can play a big part too. Whatever it is though, he's going to limp along using anger as a crutch until it stops working for him until he feels the cold embrace of a park bench one night, or has to sleep on a floor somewhere, or until you move out or you could also call the police if he seems to be going berserk, and then he would really have to sit up and take notice.

Meanwhile, I think you should tell your GP next time you have a checkup, maybe your HV if you have one for the toddler, and definitely tell your family, no matter how you think they will react. You could also call Women'a Aid. If it's got to the point where you don't think he's even apologising any more that's not good, worthless though the apologies were. A woman is more likely to be seriously injured by her domestic partner while pregnant than at any other time.

[ItsGhoulAgain]

Argh. Foggy, I'm so sorry but your DH is described in the Bancroft book :(

As I imagine you're hoping for a reasonable, soluble explanation I'll ask you if this has bubbled up recently? (I suspect not, as you said he's always had a temper.) If you think so - there are quite a few medical conditions that can cause this type of personality change. None of them are exactly good news - they range from diabetes to brain cancer, with several unpleasant stops along the way - but this could be something to explore with DH.

Otherwise, I'm afraid he is a scary, entitled arse ... however much you love him on a good day. Angry, blaming, stormy, sulky people tend to get worse as they get older :(

Is his father like this?

[Hullabulloo]

Oh foggy please be careful with yourself. I think I may be you 12years down the line.
The cycle of abuse thing that Math linked is so accurate. By now I've pretty much become an inconspicuous pinprick
As my kids have got older and become little people with there own needs and wants he's got worse and turns it more on them. I pretty much gave up ever going out when I got a text from my oldest shut in bedroom asking me to come home as DH is screaming at younger two and 7yr old is crying eyes out.
I dont have a job as he says it would break up the family so feel very trapped. My health is also affected. Bronchitis 3 times in the past year. Don;t seem able to fight off even a cold. He has never been violent but I constantly walk on eggshell feeling sick and scared when hes on his way home from work. What will he be like tonight? What have I done wrong?
I'm making plans to leave but have only told you this to show you how it escalates without you noticing. Him not caring when your little one cries in fear, my (d)h scream in their faces as they sob in my arms.
My advice would be please don't cover for him, talk to others about his temper. Once it becomes a secret you get more caught up in it. You are still strong so tell him you will go if he keeps on. Lay down the law as I wish id done this when i was still the woman i used to be. Speak to your family, make sure they know.
lots of love and sorry for the long post I'd just hate for you to end up where I am feeling guilty for what you'd allowed your kids to go through. x

[2rebecca]

Agree his temper is his problem not yours. He needs to want to fix it. You need to tell him that behaving like a toddler if he doesn't get his way isn't acceptable.
Not telling you about debt is also unacceptable.

Depression can make people more irritable but isn't an excuse for losing your temper. We can all control our tempers. We teach our kids to do that.

I would tell him as others have said that the temper outbursts aren't acceptable and you'll leave if he doesn't sort himself out.

Don't understand why Hullaballoo doesn't leave.
Why spend your only life with a guy you are afraid of? You wouldn't start a relationship with someone like that so I see no reason to continue one.

[Hullabulloo]

2rebecca have been teriffied of him and toxic childhood made me not understand that this isn't the way familys work but as I said in my post Im making arrangements to leave (talking to CAB, sols etc) I know I've been an idiot but fear is a strange thing and hard to explain. Will be out in the next week or so.

[SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass]

Unfortunately this sort of behaviour does escalate. You mention that you have told him to leave and he refuses to: that's a very bad sign as it demonstrates that he doesn't take you seriously or think that you matter, at all; he considers you a 'woman' and therefore you don't have to be taken into account.
Do have a chat with Women's Aid, they will be supportive and helpful, no matter how trapped you think you are by finances, your health etc, you can get rid of this man and survive. No one has to put up with living with a violent, scary arsehole.

[2rebecca]

I disagree with the first part of that statement.
If my husband asked me to go I wouldn't. Why should I? It's my home. I wouldn't expect my husband to just leave if I asked him too either.
I think there has to be physical violence for the police and lawyers to force a person to leave their home.
If you want to leave this guy the separation can take a while if you can't afford to leave the house and he won't.

[foggybrain]

Thanks everyone for your responses and sorry it has taken a while to come back. I did speak to him last night in the end, maybe not the best time, but I couldn't go to bed leaving things as they were. I ended up sobbing hysterically so maybe it wasn't great, although DH did seem quite shocked, especially when I said how much I was concerned for our toddler. He has apologised and said he knows he needs to stop behaving like this.

We both think he is probably depressed and has been for a while, but he is not keen on going to the GP or counselling atm. I will carry on talking to him about this.

Ghoul, I will look at ordering that book. I would say his temper has always been the same, but the frequency may be getting a little worse and perhaps in the past when we didn't have a DC to worry about I wasn't as upset by it. I've never been concerned that he could be being physically violent towards me or DC and I don't generally feel frightened of him or like I am walking on eggshells around him, but I do feel we don't communicate very well and I tend to get silence/passive resistance a lot. I am starting to feel myself getting a bit nervous in the car with him now though after one incidnet too many. I will read that article Mathanxiety.

Hullabulloo I'm so sorry for your situation, and am glad you are at the stage where you are able to look at your options to leave. I do understand what you are saying about how these things can escalate. It's odd, as I've always considered myself the more assertive one in our relationship.