DP has cheated on me

[KittyTwoShoes]

Sorry, I feel like all I do on here is moan at the moment, but I need to talk.

I just found out that DP has been cheating on me. I logged into his emails while he was out, not to snoop or go behind his back but it's his birthday soon and I'm trying to arrange a surprise party for him. I figured I'd pop into his address book and get his friends' email addresses that I don't have, and it would be a nice thing to do for him.

Anyway, his unread emails (which I didn't read, just saw at the top of the page) were from a girl we used to know. I used to be friends with her but she was incredibly spiteful and nasty to me over my break up with my previous boyfriend and we've gone our seperate ways. DP always commented how pretty she was and how she has the perfect figure etc etc, but I didn't think too much of it because we weren't even friends anymore. Almost immediately after we decided to stop being friends she started seeing my ex.

It didn't sit well with me that she and DP were emailing, I was very hurt actually, just because she and I fell out and he hadn't told me he was still in touch with her (they'd never been properly friends before, they met once), so I sent him a text saying, "I didn't know you were still emailing [her name], can we chat about it when you get home?"

He didn't reply, came back home and 'confessed' to having an affair with her.

I'm reeling. I never suspected that, I wasn't even angry he'd emailed her, just felt a bit hurt... I feel so betrayed and foolish. I didn't even suspect it. I trusted him... and he so readilly confessed! I wasn't going to confront him, just tell him how I felt. It's like he's not even ashamed of it. And I was trying to do something nice for him, which makes it doubly hurtful.

Would you leave? We don't live together, there are no DC, and frankly he's been getting on my nerves a little recently anyway.

BUT, I stuck with it because I do love him, and 'being a bit annoying' isn't the end of the world, you can't expect perfection all the time... but now this.

I just don't know what to do.

[garageflower]

I am so sorry.

I don't know your situation and your relationship, but I would leave based on what you've said about not living together and having no children.

You will need to talk and have many questions to ask him. How long have you been together?

The fact that you're not living together makes me assume that, while you're in a serious relationship, he isn't worth you wasting time on him.

I suppose you have to find out why he's done this.

[Pacermint]

I'd probably leave. It doesn't even sound as if he's particularly remorseful from what you say. Sorry.

[booooooooooyhoo]

yes leave. he cheated on you and with someone who he knows treated you very badly. what does that say about the respect he has for you?

[perfumedlife]

Sorry this is happening,, but there is really nothing to leave. The relationship is all over bar the fighting. Why linger just to rake over his excuses?

If he is doing this to you now, before marriage, kids, living together, it can only get worse. Run a mile.

[Mumcentreplus]

I'm so sorry ..tbh he does not appreciate what he has in you a decent loving faithful woman ...I hate say dump him...but your current circumstances makes it a real opinion...no children..not living together...i would leave if I'm honest unless you have something more to add ...he sounds like a right bastard...it's up to you

[chandra]

Having an affair with someone who has behaved so badly towards you? Gosh, to be honest, I don't think I could ever forgive that even if I was living with him and there were children. A stranger, perhaps, but a spiteful cow that gets a particular interest in dating "your" men? NO WAY.

[kittya]

and what a nasty piece of work she is. They are well suited.

[KittyTwoShoes]

Ahh, you're all right. Of course. I knew you would be, and I think I knew you'd all say leave, too.

I'll leave. You're right, and I don't want to be with him. I suppose it's just... it's still sad, you know? Still hurts, even when you know he's just a tosser.

[Lynli]

So sorry, Yes leave.

Why was he so keen to admit it? Maybe it was a cowards way of ending it.

You do not have DCs and don't live together then you can make a clean break.

Find someone who deserves you.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Well even if we don't know why your DP did this, it's pretty obvious why the OW slept with him and it's got nothing whatsoever to do with him and everything to do with you. It sounds like she has got a complex about you and that this is all a rather sick game, to sleep with 2 of your partners. I'd lay bets that she'll dump him further down the line, because the point has been proved.

I don't think it matters very much whether you have ties that bind, such as DCs and houses. My advice to someone with those ties would be the same - can you get past this and do you love him enough to start a path to forgiveness, assuming that is what he wants too?

This must have been an appalling shock to you and the fact that this was with someone who was an enemy is particularly disloyal.

As a general rule, people who are unfaithful in the early years of a relationship haven't earned their spurs and are much more likely to be unfaithful further down the line, so if you're not heavily invested in this, I would cut your losses and be very careful about this woman, because she sounds like someone who might track your next relationship too.

[KittyTwoShoes]

I don't know why he did it... other than he is a bastard. Nor why he was so quick to admit it, though he was gutted when he realised I didn't already know, so I think he probably thought I had found out and wanted to look good by just being open about it. Or maybe he has more to hide and is trying to cover that? I don't know. I don't even care, to be honest.

[booooooooooyhoo]

you don't need to know why or even if tehre is more to it. you know enough to know he isn't worth it. just leave and find one that deserves you.

[kittya]

do you think it was going on for very long? sounds like he wants out, doesnt it?

What a nasty piece of work she is. Women amaze me sometimes.

[KittyTwoShoes]

I don't know kittya. He said not long, but who knows?

My best friend's sister just told me he messaged her last night asking to hook up. She told him to get stuffed, said she was going to talk to me about it when she came round today. I believe her, definitely trust her. She's married! What a complete dick.

[garageflower]

Of course you're gutted. My heart really goes out to you. It will be hard to leave him and you will think of all his good points.

BUT

There are men that won't do this to you. He has done this without even the crappy excuses that a lot of men cite such as married for years, children taking their toll etc. And that isn't an excuse even then.

You cannot stay with him. I'm so sorry.

[atswimtwolengths]

I'd dump him fast - I wouldn't wait for him to dump you.

You will feel so much better if you act now.

What exactly do you love about him, now that you know the kind of man he is?

[KittyTwoShoes]

I don't think I love him at all, atswimtwolengths.

I chucked him this morning. He rang earlier, said he hadn't done anything wrong and I'm just paranoid... despite admitting to the affair last night. He genuinely doesn't believe he's in the wrong, because he admitted it.

I told him I had nothing else to say to him and to not call me again.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Good call, Kitty, but as I said upthread - be careful about that woman. Make sure your privacy settings are high on any social networking sites and if you go on to form another relationship, explain everything about your stalker to a new partner. I have a feeling you'll have the last laugh here - on both of them. Good luck.

[KittyTwoShoes]

Thanks, WhenwillIfeelnormal. I'm only on facebook, which I barely use anyway, so I've put all my settings as private as it goes. My friend is doing all sorts of searches for me to make sure everything is hidden :)

[ScaryFucker]

what a prick he is

you are well-shot and I applaud you for being so clear and refusing to played

[HammerMouseOfHorrors]

Christ on a bike KittyTwoShoes

What a waste of oxygen he is. He really thinks it's all 'ok' because he admitted he'd screwed her?

Oh, well, that makes it all ok then doesn't it? [hhmm]

[Mumcentreplus]

WTF?? really believes his own bull-shit?...you are well rid...so sorry