Separation & minimising pain for small children

[SleeplessInLondon]

H & I are currently in the process of separating. There is a small chance it may be temporary but my gut tells me it will be permanent.

I have DD of 3.5 and DS of 21mths (I do feel very lucky despite miserable times!). I am going to do my utmost to keep friendly contact with H as the children obviously desperately need him. I'm not so worried about DS now (more about him growing up without man in the house later) but am very worried about DD.

She is very switched on and very close to her Dad. Luckily he hasn't seen much of them during the week for past few years so that won't be too much of a shock. She has made a few comments recently which tells me she is aware that things are not right (have not had any loud fights in last couple of months) but she has obviously picked up on our lack of lovingness to each other.

I feel like I need to tell her some version of the separation as her current insecurity (partly due to our relationship and partly due to not seeing him much) is not good for her. He leaves the house at 6.30 (without seeing her) and she hears the door closing and cries and cries for him. But I'd like to put it off for a little bit in case DH moves out (shortly) and in time miraculously changes his mind and wants to try again (in his own words, there is a slim chance of our relationship succeeding).

Is there a book that anyone knows of which could help me explain to a 3 yr old?

SIL

[cestlavielife]

if he moves out the 6.30 door problem will have gone.

just keep it simple for her. answer her questions simply and factually. at her level of understanding.

daddy lives in xxx now. he will see you on the weekend on this day and that at xx time.

put the times/days up on a simple calendar. photo of daddy on the days she will see him.

(in fact that could help now in explaining to her when she will see him and expalinign visually that she doesnt see him in teh morning because he has to go to work, but will see him on xx days in the evening (if she does).

if you are ok about it so will she be. (and your ds - presumably your H intends to be around for the dc so unless he going off for ever then your dc will continue to have a father and a father figure...

"the children obviously desperately need him" why?

they young - is it your projection of your needs?

they barely see him in the week - so him moving out and only seeing them on weekends (when potentially he will be one on one with them and therefore more quality time) may turn out to be better in the long run.

i truly believe that my dc now have much better quality times with their dad now - on their own with him - than when we were together. after a long period of bad times, contact centres and so on - now he makes more effort.

books - you could try the following from amazon -
It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce by Vicki Lansky Paperback £3.75
Two Homes by Claire Masurel Paperback £4.03
Two Of Everything by Babette Cole Paperback £4.46

[SleeplessInLondon]

Cestlavielife Thank you. Some very good points in your post.

You are right the 6.30am problem will disappear! That's positive. I think H will try and make it for bedtime around two nights a week (so he says - we'll see) and if he has to come here specially for it he might come a bit earlier than for the last ten minutes which has been the case mostly. So in fact they will be absolutely no worse off than now.

Then I guess he will want to have them every second weekend. And he has been away 1 weekend in 4 for the past year so again they are used to weekends alone with me.

I said they desperately need him because they adore him and DD (3.5) asks for him all the time and says she misses him and why does he have to leave. But she is actually like that now so again, I guess she may not be too worse off. However she is very conscious about us doing things with both Mummy & Daddy and as a family. So that will be the battle, but maybe It won't be as bad as I think.

[sunflower1234]

hi. you seem to be almost in the same position as me :(
the only differences are that my son is 4 yrs old (daughter just gone 3), and that my husband has made it quite clear there is no getting back together.

he left about a week and a half ago after complaining that i hadnt done his ironing and wasnt doing a good enough job.

sorry i cant give any advice as am desp in need of it myself.

but just wanted to let you know you arent alone - we will be strong together for our babies

big hugs xxx

[Maybee]

I'm just about to go down that road too but am v worried about ds1 aged 8, the tots of 1 and 2 won't get it but I feel dreadful for our eldest child especially as Christmas is coming. My dh has been cheating and there are issues so I don't know how you explain that to a child or even if you do.
Good luck i feel so sick and sad for my sons
xxx