It is over, isn't it? Or is it?

[Facinguptothings]

DH is older than I am and has a bad temper. I am frequently criticised for things and shouted at probably daily.

This has had a bad effect on the DCs who are now quite shouty themselves, but it has had a worse effect on me. I was brought up with gentleness. I couldn't manage to turn the hurt off from being shouted at, therefore when it came to sex with DH I just couldn't do it. This has caused worse problems.

It all came to a head last Saturday, when he woke me up at 3.30 am to shout at me for leaving a light on downstairs. He shouted at me for three solid hours, slammed doors and tipped my handbag upside down and kicked the contents around the room. It sounds such a petty thing but I felt humiliated crawling under the sofas to retrieve my bits and pieces.

We've been in separate bedrooms for about two years.

I've talked to DH but he says he can fix it and he will stop shouting, but he's said this so so many times before. We've been together for many years and after episodes like this he promises he will fix things but he always goes back to where he was.

We've been to Relate twice. Once five years ago and once two years ago. Both times it did help temporarily, but the changes never became permanent.

It's over, isn't it?

(name-changing reg)

[GypsyMoth]

yes,i think it is. how do you feel about that?

[Dione]

Facing, It is over, Isn't it?

You have done everything that you could, yet your DP is still angry and taking it out on you.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and you don't want to accept it anymore. It has a negative impact on you and your children. None of you need this. Go. Teach your children about gentleness, calmness and ease and maybe you will all find happiness.

You sound lovely and you sound as if you know it's over. Good Luck.

[Facinguptothings]

Really really sad. Absolutely broken-hearted. He is crying (which he always does) and saying he will change. He won't though, and I know that.

Thanks for responding

[booooooooooyhoo]

if you know he wont change then yes, it's over.

[Kewcumber]

"he woke me up at 3.30 am to shout at me for leaving a light on downstairs. He shouted at me for three solid hours" - didn;t the Japanese do something like this in WW2, am pretty sure they didn;t consider it petty

(No doubt we did it too, but winners justice keeps it quiet I guess)

[Facinguptothings]

We haven't had sex for years. We haven't talked about why we haven't had sex because DH just thinks I'm not interested. Actually I used to love having sex. But I can't manage to have sex with someone who is always either angry or disappointed with me.

Such a relief to be able to say this on here. Such a bloody relief.

Thank you all

[Dione]

It is sad for all of you. But you and your DC's can move on. He is unable. Go forth, accept that you have left a sad situation and live your lives, free from eggshells and tantrums.

[Facinguptothings]

The trouble is that it has been such a long marriage - the DCs are in secondary school - and they (and I and DH) are scared of making any changes.

Making a change might well make DH happier. He's clearly not happy now, and neither am I. We're all scared of this big change.

[Dione]

Everyone is scared of change, yet we all know that most of the time change is good for us. We all think that only the brave (and therefore in our minds; reckless) change the status quo, but Facing, I think that you know you would be doing a great disservice to you and your DCs by not making a change. You are not happy, DH is not happy, the DCs are not happy. The choice for you is change or eternal unhappiness.

You know, things can work out after change. They can even work out better for everyone involved. Even if you do not consider yourself brave, I know that you do not consider yourself stupid, or worth no more than an unhappy existence.

Be scared and do it anyway. You may regret it for a month or two, but a year from now you will not know yourself for the relaxed (if not grinning fool) that you have become.

[mike1May]

All too often on here, people call for one partner to leave a marriage. There are many amateur psychologists who like to pin disorders like PND on people. So be wary of some of the advice you receive.

That said - ask yourself: what is good about being married to this guy (e.g is he a good father to the kids?)? And what is bad?
Make an equation. If the bad outweighs the good, you have a decision to make.
If you need financial help, send me a private message.

Best wishes.

[ScaryFucker]

mike ???

Facing, you know what you need to do

Good luck xx

[Facinguptothings]

My DCs are teenagers, and no-one has suggested that I have PND (and I don't have PND or any other sort of depressive condition).

The problem is that I don't know whether the bad outweighs the good. He certainly is a good father to the DCs, apart from the shouting. I don't know whether I am doing them more harm than good by leaving.

Thank you for the offer of financial assistance, but we're fine, honestly.

[mike1May]

Apologies: I never meant to suggest you had post natal depression. It was a typo for NPD (a phrase I only learned on here).

Whatever decision you come to, please don't make it tonight. You already know this, but see how it looks in the morning.
I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

Good luck.

[ScaryFucker]

mike, did you mean to sound like a weirdo ?

because I give you 10/10 if that was your intention

[mike1May]

Maybe I've ballsed up. Maybe my phraseology is wrong.
No, I'm not a weirdo, just a normal bloke.

[ScaryFucker]

whatever you say, mike

[Squirrelsmum]

So when do you suggest that it's not worth saving Mike? When he has grown tired of simply yelling abuse and trashing her stuff and moved on to bigger and better things like after waking her up and yelling at her for 3 hours he then proceeds to flog the crap out of her because he can't find her handbag to throw around.

Facinguptothings he isn't going to change and do you really want your kids growing up to be like that? He will still be their father but you don't need to put up with his abuse.

[yesyouknowme]

is he drunk when he acts up?

[YeahBut]

Listening to your dad wake your mum up at 3am to hurl abuse and the contents of her handbag far outweighs any of the nice stuff he might do. And by nice, do you just mean not shouting and being narky because that's still a long way from being a good dad or husband.

[nooka]

You might find that he is able to be a good (perhaps even a better) dad when you separate. So don't use that as a reason to stay together if the costs outweigh the benefits to you personally. To be honest your dh sounds either deeply abusive or out of control, and neither are what you need or deserve.

It's possible that you may be able to be friends (assuming that you have been or are friends when he is not yelling) without the pressure of having to be together. Also so long as you can be civil and cooperative and your children can spend the time they want to spend with each of you they may actually be happier with you and your dh not living together.

Good luck with your choice. I hope that you have a lot of support you can lean on.

[Facinguptothings]

Thank you very much. I hope we can manage to be civil in the future.

He doesn't drink by the way.