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ex husband - continued bullying, how do i stop it?

(214 Posts)
redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 13:36:47

We have been seperated for 20 months.
Divorce was started, but then for lots of reasons it didnt get very far.

Cant start it up again as there is no legal aid avaliable at the momment.

Anyway, he is still super bullying, agressive, controlling and horrible. The marriage was full of his constant affairs, emotional and occassional physical abuse.

He will go along being all quiet and friendly and helpful for a short while and then blow up in my face.

I automatically take the role i took in our marriage, which is to panic and then try and sort it out, what ever the cost is to me.
Or i try and rebuff for a few days, telling him i will not discus it, or i will not talk to him while he is being like that, but eventually i get dragged in.

Couple of days later i realise what i have done and that he has won again.

He also cronically lies. I know he always lies, about everything. But why do i automatically belive him, and not question it until some hours later? normally once he has fed me the lies and shouted at me?

Firstly - how on earth do i stop this happening.

Secondly, - im about to do something which i know is going to make him seriously kick off at me. How to i protect myself from the inevetiable?

Bast Sat 09-Oct-10 13:58:21

Disengage -Have no communication with him, put it in writing to him that you wish for no further communication.

Have any arrangements regarding contact (if you have DC) made through solicitors.

He can only continue his bullying of you if you allow him the means to, so don't smile

dittany Sat 09-Oct-10 14:01:33

What sort of things is he doing to you?

What is it that you are going to do that will make him kick off?

Might be worth posting on the legal threads to ask for advice about how to get a divorce with no money. What is the financial issue? Is he controlling the finances still? Does he have access to your home?

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 14:15:15

I cant even speak to a solicitor at the momemnt.
There is no legal aid provision, the law society has it out to tender, and thats going to take a few months to sort out.

I do say i want no communication, but then he calls to speak to DD, and gets at me then. Or picks her up and sneaks a go in there.

Im trying to get to email only for contact.

It started last week to do with a joint loan, the mud slinging started including name calling, belitting me, laughing at me, taking the piss, telling me how to live my life and i just get drawn into it and end up thinking im in the wrong and hes right.
Takes me a few days to realise whats happened.

Hes been paying less CSA money, while claiming it was the full amount ( this is another issue) i called them, they said no, it was x amount per week, they will send him a letter.

He cornered me after swimming and said he had called them and they said it was x amount per week ( same amount i had said) its just he has been working the monthy payments out wrong from that. he called me a lair and an idiot in front of DD and my mum and i just said, ' im not discussing it now' but he just constantly gets at me.

He says things like ' im having DD for two weeks solid over xmas shit or bust' or, you have to drive up to come and collect her ( an hour away) shit or bust and things like that.

The has a go at my personality or something when i say no.

Like i said he pays less csa money, ive decided i want it all ( now ive checked with the csa and know the correct figure) and i want it paid directly into my own bank account.
He currently pays it into an old joint account and refuses to pay it to me. I have to then go in and get it out. Its a pain.

So ive asked him nicely, in an email to pay the full csa amount, into my account.

I know he will refuse, when he does im going to to the csa and get it taken at source and i know he is really going to kick off and im a little bit scared about that.
In fact im really scared about the consquences of that.

But its got to be better than how it is now. Also what he does is say he will pay for a few extras but that i have to ask. So i literlly have to beg for an extra £20 or something and he will agree, before chaning his mind and saying no, but i will give you £7 or something.. normally with some stipulation added.

Tortington Sat 09-Oct-10 14:19:29

get a mobile specifically for his calls and change your phone numbers.

i agree with a previous poster who said that he can only do this if you allow him to.

change swimming lesson days or swimming baths.

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 14:33:12

its just really hard not to fall into old behavioural patterns.

You kind of do it without realising, then few days after you think 'wtf'

Changing swimming isnt going to change anything, he will still have to come get her and i will have to see him.

I just know he is really really going to kick off when i do the csa from source thing.
Like really kick off.

It worries me. There was physical abuse in the past. Why he wouldnt do anythign now, i worry about DD, or that he might like not bring her back or something to get at me,

Because i knwo he will be SO angry at me he will have to hit back.

and because there is no legal aid at the momment, i cant even say ' im not discussing this with you, go through the solicitor'

dittany Sat 09-Oct-10 14:41:01

You can say "please email or write to me with your concerns" though.

If he starts attacking you in public and you feel you need to say something, say "You're certainly entitled to your opinion" or repeat back what he has said to you e.g. "You think I am x, y or z" Those are disarming tactics. See if you can control your emotions and not allow him to panic you.

You also need to get your finances separate. Can you close down that joint account. With the loan start working at him to get him to take the whole thing on (I take it it is his debt not yours). You have to take it step by tiny step. Start thinking about what you want, even if it is very small things, it will stop him looming so large in your mind and will make this seem like a problem to solve, not an impossible task.

How often does he see your daughter? I'm wondering if he should be allowed to see her unsupervised.

Talk to Women's Aid who can give you support and advice on dealing with this.

dittany Sat 09-Oct-10 14:43:16

Also if you're afraid he will harm your daughter because of the CSA thing, you could possibly not pursue him through the CSA and just take the hit on the money, and also more long term think seriously about stopping access.

Why would you let someone who might harm your dd anywhere near her?

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 14:49:37

he sees her every other weekend mostly.

I will try and say, please email me with that.
just try to not engage with him

He refuses to close down the joint account. Point blank refuses to. I do not know why.

The loan is in joint names. Though debt accruded while we were married.

He has been paying it all but has now decided i have to pay half. It is an ammount that i dont have. He told me i had to pay it shit or bust and the bank said i had to as well.

Ive been doing a bit of looking into this and will speak to the bank myself on tuesday. I can afford to make a £50 contribution, but no more and the bank will be able to reduce the monthly payment though it will take longer to pay off.

The problem is he doesnt want that and has told me im a lazy fat arse, selfish etc... that i was never nice to him, that i never loved him, that i was a bitch and a whore and he regretts even meeting me... and so it goes on.
He told me i should be working from 7am and should find childcare for out daugher from 6:30am.

Then he said he would take her off me.

He just piles the pressure on until i agree.

But im not having it any more.

The CSA money is for our daughter. im not having that messed about with, and will get it deducted from sourse.

I shall speak to the bank and see what the option are.

If we cannot agree it will have to wait until legal aid becomes avaliable. But in the end, i cannot give what i dont have, and any amount of name calling, or bullyinig from him will not change that.

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 14:51:29

he never has.

But i know he will be so angry at me. He wont be seeing her for 3 weeks after tomorrow. I wont get it stopped at souce until monday/tuesday.
He will then have 3 weeks to calm down.

If i think he is behaving out of control i will not let her go to his.

Thistledew Sat 09-Oct-10 14:56:19

You need to speak to a different solicitor. Legal aid is available at the moment. There is a tendering process going on at the moment which may mean some firms are not able to take on new clients but this will not be the case for all firms.

A solicitor will help you set out the terms of contact and if things are bad enough help you get a restraining order or arrange for pickups to be at a supervised centre.

In the mean time keep a diary of all the abuse he gives you and inform him that you will only communicate by text to a phone you keep specifically for that purpose.

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 14:59:53

oh. the solicitors i called said noone will be taking on new clients and that that it will be middle of nov before there is an update.

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 15:08:44

thing is, i did that the ' im not discussing it, it can be dealt with via solicitors' on monday.
Via text. To everything he send i just replied with that.

I got so many texts from him i tuned my phone off. But when i turned it on in the monring they all came though

and they are things like
'oh you are so pathetic and childish you wont even talk to me now'
' you need to get a grip and get over yourself'
' typical you, throwing a stop because you cant handle it'

i just ignored it all. Then he called to speak to DD later on in the day and i try and stupidly smooth it all over ( like i always do/did) i know its not good to argue for DD's sake and i try to keep things on good terms.
But then he just walks all over me and im left reeling and in tears wondering what on earth im going to do.

Its taken from then till now for me to work out in my head that the CSA money is DD's and im getting it for her.
Than he has bullyied me to get me to do what he wants
and what im going to do about it ( even though im terrified)

its 20 months on - its not meant to be like this still

dittany Sat 09-Oct-10 15:09:04

Speak to Women's Aid. Are you going to do that?

The CSA money might be your daughters money, but you're saying he's a real risk to her if you pursue it at the moment. What is more important here? I think you need to get in touch with your priorities.

As for his insults. Who gives a shit what he thinks? He's a wanker who knows nothing. Just let it all fly past you, or imagine that you're holding up a big mirror and he's actually talking to himself (he is, his insults to you are all projections of himself).

Speak to the bank again about getting the joint account closed or at least made inactive. I don't see how an account that one person doesn't want to be on can be kept open unless there is an overdraft on it.

Snorbs Sat 09-Oct-10 15:17:50

I recommend that you ask the CSA to collect the money for you and for them to pay it to you. That way he has no choice about which of your accounts it ends up in.

Ask the bank to freeze the joint account. They can do this - at least, they did for me and my ex. That will prevent the debt getting any bigger apart from interest while you sort out what to do with it.

Although you may not be able to go via a solicitor right now you can say that you will only discuss things with him in writing. And the broken record technique can be useful. No matter what he says simply answer exactly the same "I hear you. Send me a letter with your concerns." And don't engage with the insanity. Remember that it doesn't matter what you say, how strong your point is or what you agree to - he will still be an abusive nut-job and so he'll just find something else to be an nut-job about.

You cannot win with him by arguing back or by stating facts. You'd just be playing him at his game and, quite frankly, he's a hell of a lot better at it than you because he's a nut-job. The only way you can win with a nut-job is by not engaging with the nut-jobbery.

And I'd also second the thoughts of a restraining order. The local police's DV team may be able to help with that. Don't be afraid to call them if he accosts you. That is, after all, what they're paid to do.

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 15:19:15

which there isnt. i shall tell them i want to close it.

Im not going to the the csa from source until DD is back.

I wont hand her over to him unless he is being ok. He has never hurt her. But i can see him doing something like keeping her a few days longer or something to spite me.

However, he is on a course(army) for about 7 weeks, and will not be able to keep her longer, and in fact is not really seeing her, bar a day during this time.

Hopefully by then it will have blown over. Course is also other end of the country with limited phone signal.

dittany Sat 09-Oct-10 15:22:26

The Citizens Advice Bureau is another place to go for advice when you don't have access to a solicitor.

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 15:26:17

i said they could freeze the account and he told me they couldnt.

I suspected he was lying.

Could i be nosey and ask how you came to an arrangement with the ex/bank over the debt?

I know i cannot win with him.. He will say one thing one min, the say he didnt say that, then come out with a totally conflicting thing. I dont know why i expect him to be reasonable after all these years.

Things like womens aid and DV team scare the crap out of me. I dont want to have to do that. I feel its a really last resort, and then i alwasy feel. like i do now that im over reacting and its all in my head.

I dont want it to be like this. Why cant he just pay the damn csa money without arguing.
WHy cant he come to a reasonable decision about the loan, working though it with whats best for both of us

why does he resort to being the way he is with me.

dittany Sat 09-Oct-10 15:33:54

Women's Aid are on your side. They are the one group (they are a charity) who take women's side in their fights against violent abusive men. You should be a lot less scared of them than you are of your ex. You need support fighting him and you will be successful if you have someone on your side.

He's not going to change, you are going to have to fight, but you are going to have to fight effectively. Whilst you're saying "why does he do this that or the other" you're losing your power. Stop thinking about him and think about what you want then take steps to get him out of your way.

And don't listen to another word that your ex says about anything official. Once again he doesn't know what he's talking about.

Meglet Sat 09-Oct-10 15:39:38

Call the police (non-emergency number), see if they have a domestic violence person. Ours does and they work with the local WA.

You can get your XH fined and cautioned for the nasty texts, It worked with my XP.

Please don't worry about the DV and WA teams being scary, my local one are lovely and usually quite rude about the men. Even the police seemed to relish giving XP a bollocking.

Snorbs is right about not engaging with a 'nut-job'.

FWIW I tried mediation and a contact centre with my XP and he refused to do it, he no longer see's the DC's. I would be more worried if he was still in their lives TBH.

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 15:40:11

i know he doesnt.

He knows i know hes bullshitting

if i point that out to him, that he is wrong and i know he is wrong if goes off at me.

He has always been this way with me. He used to tell me he hated me being right and it used to make him angrier than anything.
I used to laugh about it

and then it got really really unfunny.

but he will blatently lie even when ive got the proof he is wrong in my hands.

I know i cant win with him.

Its just i fall into ' keep the peace for DD's sake' mode and give in.

and then he takes the piss over somethign else again.

Ive got to stop this happening and will have to make a stand.

The CSA payments are the first.
If he behaves threatening, or abusive he will not see DD.

and that will be his choice.

I can take control back.
and i will

Its just really really scary.

Have been literally shaking about it all day. ( DD is with him)

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 15:43:47

i think the DV and WA teams are scary.
Mostly because then i have to admit to someone else what actually happened and then its real.

If i dont say anything. or only do on here, where noone knows. Then i can almost pretend it didnt happen.

and that im fine.
and that ive moved on
and it hasnt left any scars

dittany Sat 09-Oct-10 15:46:56

You need support. You can't do it on your own.

You say you know he doens't know what he's talking about yet you believed him with the crap about the bank.

Read your posts back - they are all about him and his reactions and what he is going to do. That's understandable with an abusive person but to gain control you have to start acting and acting for what you want, not as a reaction to what he might do.

Almost everthing you've said has been what you can't do - you can't get a solcitor, you can't close your joint account, you dont' want to phone Women's Aid because you're scared. And the one thing that you do what to do comes with the threat of massive retaliation which actually isn't worth the risk. Money is not worht more than the possibility of your dd getting kidnapped or hurt. Now it sounds like you've got a lot to be scared about with him, but you still have to reach out for help. Don't try to do this on your own when help is available.

redderthanred Sat 09-Oct-10 15:49:53

like yesterday in the car park after swimming.

i had told him not to come into watch as we are only allowed two adults in to watch and my mum had come along to see DD swim for the first time.
He didnt arrive till 5 mins before her finishing time anyway.

My text was nice, it just said ' really sorry, but can you please not come into swimming today as we have got our max number of people... though you could watch through the window if you wanted'

He has seen her swim quite a few times before.

he replied with ' fuck you, who do you think you are'

I handed DD over in the car park. My mum got in my car and he came storming over to me and started having a go about the swimming and the csa money, calling me a lair.

I said im not discussing it here, sorry' and got in the car.

Mum said, ' my god, are you ok, he was really agressive'

hes 6ft 4 and about 19 stone.
im 5ft 2

and i know he would push me about, or throw something at me, because he has done it before.

dittany Sat 09-Oct-10 15:50:49

Well you've been brave and talked about what is going on here Red, so this has made it somewhat more real.

Anyway it is real, you can't talk or deny your way out of that.

Now I'm thinking a bit more, I think your goal needs to be to get this bastard out of your life and out of your daughters too if possible, or at the very least keep her so protected that when he does see her he can't do anything to her.

I'd forget about the money issue (apart from getting your joint finances untangled) unless you are absolutely in dire financial straits. The money is less important than you escaping from his abuse and your dd being protected from him.

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