Dh doesn't want kids!

[Nessyt]

Hi, I put a post on another topic, someone suggested I put it hers. I'm 34 and up till now I didn't think I wanted kids but I have now changed my mind. However my DH doesn't want kids, he already has 3 from his previous marriage. I have mentioned to him how I feel and he was shocked that I changed my mind, he feels he has done the kid thing & now his kids are getting older he has more freedom. I haven't spoke to him since as I'm too scared to mention. I feel embarrassed to mention it as it's me who always said I didn't want kids, I can't even talk to my family & friends, just wondered if anyone else has been or in the same situation & has some advice!!!

[MooMooFarm]

Hi there, so I have no experience of this so can't really offer advice. Just wanted to say, reading your post it sounds as if you you feel you have done something wrong by feeling the way you do (ie you are 'embarrassed' etc).

I'm not sure how you should go forward with this one, but wanted to say you can't help the fact that you now want children Tt's not something you engineered on purpose, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed or that you are in the wrong for wanting this.

TBH I'm surprised your DH didn't see this coming - you wouldn't be the first woman to get to her mid 30's before her broodiness kicks in!

Anyway, I'm sure other, more wise MNers will be able to give you some more practical advice...

[MooMooFarm]

PS sorry, added an extra 'so' there, apologies for bad grammar....

[loopyloops]

You must talk to him again and makes sure you talk it through at length.

There's nothing to feel embarrassed about. Why can't you talk to family or friends?

[LoveBeingInvitedToTheVIPSale]

I think you've put the wrong title to your op. It suggests it something new that he has decided when its you who has decided somehting new.

There is nothing wrong with wanting kids, I am going to assume the reason you cant talk to your family is becuase this is something they warned you about when marrying an older man?

You have to decide if you want kids more than you want to stay with your husband. It doesnt sound to me like he is likely to change his mind.

[NotActuallyAMum]

You sound like me a few years ago

I met someone when I was 18, left him when I was 32 and all that time I was absolutely convinced I didn't want kids. 6 months later I met my (now) DH and within less than a year I decided I did want them after all. He too already had a child and didn't want any more - and he'd had the snip!

I went through an absolute nightmare 12 - 18 months, at one stage I couldn't even watch an advert for nappies without bursting into tears

Ultimately though, what LoveBeingInvited... says just about sums it up, you really do have to decide if you want kids more than you want to stay with him

I chose him, and I've now come full circle, although I do still have the odd twinge, and it really is only the odd twinge, the vast majority of the time I'm glad I never had any

[Nessyt]

The reason I can't talk to my friends & family is this same feeling of embarrassment, I've always been the one that doesn't want kids! My DH is not that much older than me, he's 38 but had his first kid when he was 18!!!

[NotActuallyAMum]

Yes I can totally relate to the not wanting to talk to family and friends. No one who knows me knows anything this. Hard to explain isn't it?

[NotActuallyAMum]

Anything about this even...

[MrsSOAK]

Hi
I agree with the other ladies. You must talk to your DH.
My situation was not really like this I'm afraid. I spent 10 1/2 years waiting for my (then) DP to decide he was ready for kids - he kept saying yes I want them but not yet, can't we wait for a while etc etc and then when I reached 30 I put my foot down and said its make or break time, give me a time frame for having kids and he said he had decided he actually didn't want any or want to settle down (I was as far as I was concerned we were already settled down, living together etc.....!) so we split and I thought I would quite literaly die from the pain.
After some time my DH came along (he was already on the perefory of my life at the time) and we are now married with one gorgeous DD and plans for more in the future. The point I am trying to make (somewhat inarticulatly) is that people change, what they want from life changes and something as important as wanting children needs to be discussed fully.

For some people (like myself) it was a deal breaker for others (like NotActuallyAMum)it isnt.

[MrsSOAK]

apologies for the spelling mistakes

[expatinscotland]

What NotActuallyAMum said. Wise words. You must talk to him.

My ex h and I met when we were quite young. We got married we didn't even talk about things like kids.

But when the time came, and I wanted them, he didn't. Not with me, not with anyone.

Ultimately, we divorced. He had the snip, but later met a woman who also never wanted any kids and had had her tubes tied.

10 years on, he's happily remarried and happily child free. I'm happily remarried and have 3 children.

You need to decide what's best on your own, with help from each other, and even counselling if need be.

[NotActuallyAMum]

Reading your OP again Nessyt, why are you scared to mention it to him? If it's because you're scared of what he might say that's understandable but if it's him you're scared of that's not good at all

The two of you have to talk about this, and quick. The longer you leave it the harder it will be

[HerBeatitude]

What do you want more?

The man you are with, or kids?

If it's the latter, tell him - it's a dealbreaker - he either gets used to the idea that he's going to be a father again, or if he's never goign to be happy with that, then you have to leave now. You can't hang around for months hoping he'll change his mind and you shoudln't have a child with someone who isn't 100% on board with it, because it isn't fair. There's nothing wrong with not wanting children, but otoh he has no right to veto your fertility. Given that he's had kids himself, he has no idea what it is like not to have them and want them.

At 34, you don't have time to fanny around discussing options. If you want to be a mother, you need to find someone who wants to have kids with you soon.

There are loads of men in their thirties and early 40s who are desperate to settle down with a woman and have a family. Masses. No shortage of them, seriously. But do you want your husband more than children? That's what you need to decide.

[proudnglad]

My brother has three children from his first marriage. He recently finished with his girlfriend of a year because he told her time and again he would never change his mind about not wanting more kids. She was upfront about the fact that having a family was vitally important to her. It was not a taboo subject, they spoke about it endlessly and he was hugely sympathetic to how she felt. But she kept thinking he would change his mind as they fell deeper in love. He didn't. And he had to break up with her, sooner rather than later as he wanted her to find someone else who wanted kids (she is 38) both heartbroken.

I think you absolutely need to decide what is more important to you - him or a family. If you want children, then don't wait until it's too late.

I'm sorry we can't all tell you anything else and I appreciate how painful and difficult this is for you.

[expatinscotland]

Proud, my best friend's had to do that several times.

She had children very young and now, age 50, is a grandmother several times over.

But she had herself sterilised at 35 because, even then, her kids were nearly grown up and she just didn't want to go there again. Ever.

She also didn't want to go out with a man who had small or young children because again, she was done with all that and had had a marriage break up over issues with her husband's ex and their kids (the father of her children was never in the picture after he left).

So dating was a minefield for a while.

And she once had a long relationship with a man 10 years younger who wanted children.

But, she being in her 40s, it wasn't going to happen so ultimately, she sent him on his way.