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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

leaving an abusive relationship

5 replies

chelly53 · 06/10/2010 16:40

Hi
Ive just been reading lots of threads on leaving an abusive relationship, ive been in this situation for nearly 10 years and am desperate to get out and rebuild a life for myself, but it is so hard to get out, basically i think im scared of my partner and fearfull of what he might to if i do leave.
ive been on the freedom programme, been to womens aid and relate and although they have all helped me understand alot of things it doesn't help you to actually leave, friends dont seem to understand how hard it is and just keep saying get out,
Does anyone have any help or advice?

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LittleMissHissyFit · 06/10/2010 23:46

Somewhere on here there is a 'what triggered you to leave your abusive P' have a read through, not everyone left immediately.

We all know it's hard. Tis so easy to sit here and scream get out, get out, but the actual deed of physically removing yourself from the situation is a step you have to make alone.

You have to ask yourself a few questions:
Do you want to leave?
Are you in immediate danger?
What next?

If you are not in immediate danger then tbh, you need to mentally prepare yourself to break this habit.

As long as your P is not going to attack you, then you have time to plan your withdrawal.

Look at it like giving up smoking, you need to prepare yourself.

Then work out what, where and when. Put a bag togehter, documents, money tel nos etc. You have to prepare yourself properly to voluntarily leave.

Can we help?

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cestlavielife · 07/10/2010 09:59

there are steps you can take for a safe escape. speak to womens aid about an escape plan.

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NicknameTaken · 07/10/2010 13:54

Try some visualization exercises of the life you could have if you left. Picture it - a flat of your own. How would you decorate it? What would you do when you get up in the morning? How would you spend your day? What would you watch on TV (or never have to watch again!)

I do know how difficult it is. I think you might be psyching yourself out by focusing on all the difficult steps involved in leaving. Yes, it's going to be tough. But I've never, ever heard anyone say that it wasn't worth it.

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chelly53 · 07/10/2010 14:29

i do visualize a different life, i spend along time dreaming most days(ive been doing this for the last 4 years)

i think my main problem is just that im scared of him and just not a strong person, i have taken most of my possessions to my mums and could go and stay there but im worried that he just wont leave me alone

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NicknameTaken · 07/10/2010 15:45

So are you worried he will physically attack, or just that he will go on and on at you?

If the first, involve the police.
If the second, don't take his phone calls. Don't let him into the house etc. If you need to communicate (access to children, legal/financial stuff), communicate through an intermediary, preferably a solicitor.

I'm not trying to suggest it's easy. You might never feel "ready". You just have to do it, ready or not.

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