Would you always blow the whistle on a man who cheated?

[Pixie83]

Just pondering this one and would be really interested to know opinions please?

Without going into too much detail (for obvious reasons..), a relative of mine (male) is engaged to a lovely girl, and they already have a child together. He has always had a rep as a bit of a tart, but somehow he seems to have managed to keep his murky past away from his F. However, we have some mutual friends and we heard through them (and he later admitted it to us) that he cheated on his F when she had just given birth to their child. At the time he said it was a drunken mistake and it would never happen again. As he was out with a large group of friends at the time, it seemed that everyone knew about it apart from his F, who never found out.

Recently we have heard rumours that it has happened again since. My DP says we should stay out of it, but as a woman I can't help feeling bad that I'm standing back and letting her marry someone who she surely wouldn't, if she knew what was going on.

However, I don't feel I have the right to steam in and tell her, especially now, as we are not close friends, but just know each other through (fairly distant) family ties. If she were my sister or personal close friend, I don't think I would have to think twice about telling her.

So - do you think, as a woman, that you should never allow men to get away with cheating on somebody and always tell, or keep out of it unless the woman is a close friend/relative of yours?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Keep your nose out. You don't even know it it's true.
If his partner was a close friend it would be different, but as you barely know her, whatever your intentions, telling her will make you seem like an interfering stirrer feeding your own ego at her expense.

[shimmerysilverglitter]

I wouldn't say anything unless a close relative. Best to keep out of it.

An acquaintance of mine is getting married soon and I know for a fact that he is regularly unfaithful to her. I will not say anything but I will not be going to the wedding either, I draw the line at standing there watching him gaze into her eyes, swearing eternal devotion when I know exactly what he got up to on his Stag Trip.

[AMumInScotland]

I think you should stay out of it, specially when all you have to go on are rumours. If she was someone you chatted to regularly, there's ways of saying "Are you sure about this, he's got a it of a reputation?", but jumping into other peoples relationships with both feet is mostly a bad idea.

[buttonmoon78]

I agree. It's a difficult situation but you're not close enough to interfere.

The only thing you can do is speak to him and tell him about the rumours. If he's guilty then it might not make any difference. If he's innocent then he'll be more circumspect in future to avoid exposing his DF to gossip.

Hope it works out ok.

[defineme]

Keep out. I know it's vile and I feel sorry for his fiance too, but it's not your business and nothing good will come of you telling her. They have a child already so the worst has happened and getting married doesn't really change that-they are irrevocably linked marriage or no marriage.

[Fluffypoms]

I wouldnt say anything.

could you have a word with him? instead

[Pixie83]

OMG shimmerysilver this is a bit too close for comfort

But BTW, I do know that at least on a couple of occasions it's been true as he admitted it when my DP confronted him, although that's not the only consideration, I know.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Voice of dissent here (again) but here is what I would do.

I would go to see her personally. I would tell her what I knew and that you won't be telling anyone about your disclosure to her. Then, of she chooses to ignore it or resolve it with her partner, she won't have a whole bunch of people gossiping that she is some Collen Rooneyesque figure who will put up with anything.

I couldn't stand by any longer if I had absolute proof that someone was being deceived. It could be that she knows and has bargained it away. That's her call and she doesn't have to tell you if that's her decision. Likewise she doesn't have to tell you what she intends to do with the information.

Own this disclosure too, with your relative. I'd be speaking to him after you have spoken to her. Lest any poster suggests it later on, please do not consider an anonymous disclosure, as that sort of thing is ghastly, hurtful and inconclusive.

[AnyFucker]

what wwifn said

the key is that you tell her (and mean it) that you will be discussing this with no-one else and that you have no expectations about what she will do/not do with the information

then if she decides to go ahead with him, she can save face

it will also leave open a source of support for her in the future (it sounds like she will be likely to need it..)

[Pixie83]

Ok so quick question to the previous two posters - would the fact that she seems completely unaware of any cheating whatsoever sway your decision to tell her?

When we've all been out for girl's nights before and have got onto the general subject, she has always said she would cut somebody's balls off if they cheated on her, etc etc, and seems to think the sun shines out of her F's arse...

Which makes me feel even more angry with him and guilty that she doesn't know.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

It wouldn't matter either way. However, it appears that you've got even more of a mandate, if you know that she wouldn't tolerate infidelity. But look, people often say they'd do one thing (cut his balls off ) and mercifully, they would do another.

BTW, it really does mean not telling anyone if you have promised her you won't.

[Pixie83]

If I did decide to tell her, I wouldn't tell anybody else about it in the wider sense, but I would feel bad not telling my DP as it is his family and not mine - and I know he feels strongly that I shd keep out of it as 'other people's problems are other people's problems' as far as he's concerned.

What I meant previously is that I think I would feel more compelled to tell her if she was already unhappy and suspicious of him, rather than the current situation where she at least seems very happy with him.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

But isn't it worse that she's so unaware? Imagine how you'd feel if lots of people (and it sounds like there are) knew all this and said nothing? And you went on to marry someone who was possibly risking your sexual health, as well as your mental wellbeing? Possibly even risking potential DCs' health too, if she gets pregnant and is at risk of STIs. The fact that this bloke is talking about to anybody smacks of bragging. I just couldn't stand back and watch that happen to anyone, male or female.

[bigstripeytiger]

Regardless of what she says about infidelity she may have decided to turn a blind eye to it, and so may not appreciate you telling her, even if you swear not to tell anyone else, as then she will know that you know that she knows.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

(old emoticon)

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, if the OP does stick her beak in, the most likely result is that she will get branded a liar and a troublemaker (even if the man is shagging around). It's never a good idea to meddle unless the 'betrayed' partner is someone you are very close to.

[AnyFucker]

pixie, what you refer to would make no difference to me

[BenHer]

What SGB said.

[tadpoles]

I had a friend whose long term partner is a serial adulterer - he even made a pass at me once when we were all at a party - how insulting is that for all concerned? I think pretty much everyone knows what he is like. Her head is firmly in the sand on this. In fact, when she moans about him, she will say things like, well at least he is faithful. I think by adopting an ostrich-like approach she can just about keep up appearences. I think that, on an emotional level, denial is her only way of dealing with what, deep down, she must, at the very least, suspect.

I think it would actually be cruel and insulting to rub her nose in the fact that she is, in fact, married to a complete twunt. Anyone who confronted her with what is blatantly obvious to everyone else would be doing it out of malice, as it is abundently clear that on a pyschological level denial is her only way of coping with this.

[Bast]

Yes, I would do as WWIFN and AF said, without a doubt.

When people are aware of a cheat, they often condone it by their silence. Why on earth should or would anyone help him to behave in this way by keeping his secrets for him?!

Telling the wronged partner in the manner in which WWIFN and AF describe will allow her to make an informed decision about her and her children's future. Surely anyone deserves that autonomy?

[AnyFucker]

keeping sordid secrets is horrible

if I found out that any friend/family of mine knew something that I, and probably the rest of my small town, already knew, I would be completely incensed

I would like to think I live my life in full possession of the facts, and that people I knew trusted me to make my decisions based on the facts not supposition

this woman may already know her P is a fuckaround, in which case if you disclose, it must be done sensitively

if you can't do it sensitively, probably best to do nothing

but remember that you are colluding in someone else's misery if you don't give her the choice

[mathanxiety]

I would tell her, and in the manner WWIFN and AF say. Other people knew about my exH and it was completely crushing to feel I was the last one to know, but knowing gave me power, which the woman in the OP does not have right now.

She does not have the necessary information she needs to make very important decisions in her life which she will be making in the next few years -- to spend a lot of money on a wedding, to have another child, to buy a house with this man, to put her career on hold or interrupt her job history, all of which have enormous ramifications in the area of her finances.

Imagine finding out years later that nearly all the wedding guests at your wedding probably knew what you weer getting yourself into but never said a thing... Even if she throws you out, she at least has the information she needs to get started on her own investigation. And get herself tested for stds.

[tadpoles]

Sorry but the OP "heard rumours" - a rumour is just that - a rumour. Best to be sure of the facts before people go sticking their noses into other people's lives.

[AnyFucker]

how strange then, that the only person who never hears "rumours" like these are the people who get cheated-upon

even if they are only rumours, doesn't this woman have a right to hear them too...then make her own mind up about the fuckaround fiance ?

[Footlong]

They are only rumours and gossip, and it is laughable to say that there is some sort of moral duty to spread gossip.