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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

where to turn

20 replies

heldw · 03/10/2010 20:49

2.5 years of sleeping on the settee, not having a bedroom of my own, a torrent of verbal abuse, being accused of allsorts, no money - all I want to do is leavem but I dont know where to start and what rights I have, got 2 boys 17 and 14. Pleae can someone help

OP posts:

Report

CarGirl · 03/10/2010 20:49

Ring womans aid they will help you.

heldw · 03/10/2010 20:50

thanks cargirl I will look them up

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KittyMee · 03/10/2010 20:52

This is the Womens Ais number 0808 2000 247. Please call them, they will be able to help you. Somone will come and give you advice shortly, better than I could.

Are you safe at the moment?

heldw · 03/10/2010 20:55

yes I am safe, its only been verbal abuse, but there is only so much you can take of it, its making me feel like sh*t.

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heldw · 03/10/2010 20:58

i need to get a place of my own but i am in debt even tho i am working, got a bad credit rating and am on a housing list with a low priority. not yet got any legal advice yet but afraid to walk away if i had somewhere to go as dont know what i woud leave myself open to

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KittyMee · 03/10/2010 21:04

Please don't minimise abuse as being 'only' verbal; this can be just as (if not more) damaging than physical abuse.

There are some absolutely amazing women on here who can give you fantastic advice based on their own experience. I wish I could say or do something useful to make you feel better.

heldw · 03/10/2010 21:12

KittyMee - its just nice to see that people have re-acted so quick on here.

This verbal abuse has been going on for about 8/9 years and "yes" it is damaging, its knocked my confidence somewhat. He has it all worked out in his head that he is NOT leaving, has done nothing wrong and all the problems in this house are my fault. I moved him into the smaller bedroom some months ago as I could not stand being in the mae bedroom as him, making accusations every day as to what I was wearing and why and what I looked like etc etc so now I am sharing a bedroom with my 14 year old. I only use the bedroom for storing my things as he needs his privacy. I sleep downstairs and use the living room in the morning for getting ready so as not to disturb my son.

I look forward to hearing from someone who has experienced the same as me and how they have dealt with it

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KittyMee · 03/10/2010 21:18

That sounds horrendous; nearly a decade of emotional abuse is just terrible. You must be incredibly strong.

Are you renting or do you have a mortgage? If you're the primary carer for your children, which you probably are, then perhaps you can stay in the house and your prick of a partner may have to leave, whether he likes it or not?

heldw · 03/10/2010 21:34

got a joint mortgage with him, i wa strong but am crumbling fast! dont quote know how "the primary carer" is defined? I would stay here but i cant afford to keep this place going on my own sadly.

It seems like solicitors thee days dont offer a half hour free advice like they used to and i have been to our local citizen advice of numerous occassions ony to find they are closed due to lack of staff! I dont want to see the kids moved as they are settled and both in "exam" years and the house is close to their school.

Its a minefield and all i keep seeming to do is step on the mines, brick walls which ever way i turn and he has always got something to say like "I look like a tart" or I am a fu**ing a hole, slag, a bad mother etc etc and irresponsible but who is the irresponsible one that waits for me to go to sleep at night and then goes out either round the neighbours or over his mates house and dont come home till 3 or 4 and pissed as a fart! But isn't he so so smug about it all.

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CarGirl · 03/10/2010 21:40

worst case scenario, you move out into hostel, start divorce proceedings and he is forced to sell the home/buy you out when your youngest is 18.

Do you think your dc will be okay with him or is he abusive towards them as well?

Unlikelyamazonian · 03/10/2010 21:44

Jeez this sounds terrible. How old are you? Your DCs are young enough for you to qualify for working and child tax credits.

Do you work?
Is you oldest son going to stay in education?
You can always survive crap like this. You can you can you can.
Where is your family? What RL support do you have?

Come on, this is not doing your boys any good to see such a shit marriage and to see you being treated in such an appalling way.

Keep posting.

heldw · 03/10/2010 21:48

no abuse towards the kids, but really dont fancy a hostel - I have as much right in the house as him dont I ? cant afford any legal proceedings and dont want to take the kids home from underneath them, they have done nothing to deserve this. There are police records where they have been called over the years cos of "domestics" but it was always turned round and it was my fault cos in his words "I keep moaning at him" FFS I am too tired to fight anymore and have been for ages. Years gone by have seen so many of my mobiles thrown and broken, he has poured beet over my head and has all the reasons to be CERTAIN I was having an affair!!! Jeez dont I wish I had been it would have given me something to smile about

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Unlikelyamazonian · 03/10/2010 21:58

This cannot go on.

So what are you going to do about it, for your boys' sakes?

What do you want to do?

CarGirl · 03/10/2010 22:01

Well you can start divorce proceedings and stay put and if you can prove you are primary carer he should be forced to move out - that could take another 2 years though.

If you have cause to call the police again then you could ask for him to be removed, which wouldn't look good on him.

Who works full time?

If you work part time and do all the child raising & domestic stuff then you are primary carer - it's harder to prove this I should think because your dc are much older

heldw · 03/10/2010 22:05

I am 44 (with a young heart and attitude) and working full time. Oldest son in full time education. Fmaily - well theres just my mum and dad and they are not aware of any of this (at least I dont think they are) they are elderly and both not in good health. Have been very supportive financially for the whole family and dont want to put them through anything Infact its them that has prevented me from doing anything alot earlier really. I dont want to hurt them. I will qualify for working and child tax credits as I have found out but it amounts to just about nothing really. I have survived to so far but am tired of trying to fight and being made to feel cheap and nasty and then getting compared with his friends and one single woman inparticular who is a "lovely woman" and thats why he stayed at her house all night one night, but me - well I am just an effing anything he wants to call me, day in day out but his excuse for saying these things is "I moan at him" believe me I DONT.

The only thing I got to moan about is I am entitled to a life as well as him but I am sick of having crap thrown at me all the time. He says he dont care yet he wants to know the ins and outs of everything I am doing. If I work late I have got to be shagging someone in work - OH I WISH!!!!

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Unlikelyamazonian · 03/10/2010 22:10

So what are you going to do about it?

heldw · 03/10/2010 22:13

He has learnt that its no good threatening physical violence anymore and has not for about 2 years as I think he's realsied that bu calling the police will do him no favours. I have tried to keep a diary of all he says but its the same shit same day most days. BUT if I keep quiet he wont give me any shit. So I have to speak when spoken to and site back and take all the crap he wants to deliver as and shen it suits him and more so when he has been drinking and boyt!! can he drink - WELL No way am I taking it - BUT - I need a way out. No money, bad credit rating and living in an area where there is very little social housing unless you are prepared to take a grotty flat and WHY SHOULD I - I have worked my bollox off too for this place

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heldw · 03/10/2010 22:16

Unlikely - I dont know what to do, I am dam sure I know what I want, and thats him out of my life for good but I want whats rightfully mine, I dont want to walk away from it all and hand it over, thats just what he wants me to do, all the snide comments like "it would be better if I wasn't here" and "we can cope without you" they are all comments that put me down and make me feel worthless

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heldw · 03/10/2010 22:18

Its been great to speak to you guys tonight and to know I am not on my own - I really appreciate it but need to get some sleep as I have to be up early in the morning for work.

Catch you tomorrow I hope.

Kindest Regards

Heldw xx

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Unlikelyamazonian · 03/10/2010 22:50

Hope you have a good sleep.

Is it really worth putting up with all this crap though? I mean, stop tjhinking about what you own materially and start thjinking about the boys and having a much more restuful life for yourselves?

And when push comes to shover many of these abusive men just piss off and find someone else anyway so you might not'lose' everything.

But you are 'losing' your diginity and your happiness and your freedom. They are much more valuable than a house.

Dont mean to sound trite.

Thnink on it. Well done for posting. x

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