Nervous about an email I just sent my husband

[YunoYurbubson]

We do talk, but sometimes writing it all down is a helpful way to say what you feel without getting cross or upset.

We are having problems and I don't know if our marriage will survive.

Last week he sent me a long email saying that he realises we have problems but that he truly loves me and will do what it takes to make us work again.

I have just emailed him saying how hurt, angry and sad I feel. It will be really hard for him to read. I feel bad to have sent it after (he thinks) we just spent a lovely couple of days together. But everything I said is true.

He is away for a week now.

Oh this isn't easy.

[thumbwitch]

oo not the best timing - he will have a week to think on it, which could go either way. Sorry, not comforting in the slightest! Can you phone him?
Or even send him another email setting out the positives, so he isn't left thinking that it's all doom and gloom?

[YunoYurbubson]

I half want to send another email saying nice things, but I also don't want to dilute what I am saying. We have problems. I am unhappy. He needs to know that, however painful it is.

But I do love him, and a part of me wants to take it all back and say "no no I'm fine really and I love you and we'll be fine".

:(

[thumbwitch]

give him half a day to read it and absorb the message undiluted and then either phone him or send another email.
you could try, in the second one, to suggest positive ways in which you could be made happier:
e.g. - I hate that you leave your toenail clippings all over the floor, it makes me want to kick you
phrase instead as - if you picked your toenail clippings up and put them in the bin, it would make me so much happier and feel more that you valued, loved and respected me.

In fact, if you can do that for your entire email, that would be a good thing - sometimes, people understand the misery of the other person but cannot see or think how to make it better - if you give him guidance on how it could be made better, it might be more productive of change.

HTH.

[proudnglad]

I got wonderful advice on here many months ago when dh and I were finding it hard to communciate without arguing.

I posted an email I was about to send dh that I thought was succinct, direct and honest.

I was told it was full of blame and attack and accusations and advised to rewrite it so that it was about how I felt eg instead of 'You are acting like you are the boss of this family and riding roughshod over me' say 'When you make plans without consulting me, I feel left out and I love it when we talk through our thoughts together'. (Not that exactly but you get my point!)

I know it's obvious, but it really really worked because he didn't feel attacked. It was also full of 'I know you don't mean to do X' and 'I appreciate you doing Y' etc etc.

I know you have sent your email but it's not too late to follow it up with another more accomodating one and yes as Thumb says detailing how things could be resolved and what you would like him to do.

[YunoYurbubson]

Thanks Proud.

I can't quite bring myself to look in my sent folder and see exactly what I wrote.

[YunoYurbubson]

He just phoned for a chat and to say goodnight to the children.

Don't think he's read it yet. He didn't say anything, just told me about work things.

God. Worst day ever. I can't stand this waiting. Really wish I had a shoulder to lean on. I want to climb into a hole and for everything to go away.

[proudnglad]

Well you have to tell him about the email. You can't just ignore it, you will be on tenterhooks and he needs to know.
Phone him now and ask him to read it,or explain what's in it and discuss it. You need to get that bit over with.

[YunoYurbubson]

He's either already read it and is taking time to process. Or, he hasn't read it yet but no point telling him to - he won't get a chance until tomorrow.

I have re-read it and it's not angry or mean, I don't think. It is painful to read because it is about our failing marriage. It is very sad.

The stupid thing is that I feel so utterly wretched about the whole situation, and the person I want to get support from is him. Usually when I am sad he is one I turn to.

I feel so completely alone in this. Can't tell family. Can't tell friends. Can't turn to him. Just me and a decent enough cheerful facade for the kids.

[whenallelsefailsmaketea]

You are never alone with Mumsnet YY

You are being courageous trying to sort things out and not letting the comfortable state of denial get in the way. It hurts to grow or to change but that is the only way to improve things.

You could write a message telling him how hard you found it to say things that you knew would upset him but you really want to communicate honestly and directly.
We can always vet your messages for you first!

Have a nice evening with the DC and enjoy the peace.

[thumbwitch]

Yuno - :( that you've had such a rough day. Do feel free to vent away - if you don't want to do it on open forum, you can always use personal messages - if you haven't found them yet, look at the very top of the page, there is a little envelope up there - click on that.
Or if you want to, you can always email me on thumbwitch at live dot co dot uk. It's horrible thinking that you have no one to turn to - I remember when my first long relationship broke up and the one person I wanted comfort from was the one who had caused all the hurt in the first place - it's a very lost place to be.

[Footlong]

Good on you Yuno!

I think this is a good way of dealing with it. Sometimes you need to be able to get things off your chest without someone else interuptiong, or argumentative emotions butting in.
If I was a betting man, I would bet this will work out just fine!

[YunoYurbubson]

Thanks for the replies guys. I really appreciate it. I went to bed early last night feeling wretched and it really helped to see your messages this morning.

He has replied (he hadn't seen the email when I spoke to him last night).

He really want to fix things. He has taken on board what I have said. He has admitted to a lot of things he never has before. This is really hard for him. He has suggested counselling, and even found the details of someone in our area who could help, and offered to take time off work to accomodate it.

He has a good idea of what needs to happen to repair our marriage (and has even owned up to liking the status quo where I am just quietly unhappy and no one is talking about it - this is obv not news to me but good that he has admitted it and can see how wrong that is).

I think I might start a new thread more specifically about how councelling works and if it is right for us. I know nothing about it (in fact I had to look up how to spell it).

I am still not convinced our relationship can be saved, but I know we owe it to our children and ourselves to do absolutely everything we can to try. I want it to work.

[thumbwitch]

Yuno - that's good to hear.
I think if your DH is willing to try to fix it in any way he can, then you need to be really open-minded about the possibility that it can be saved.

Counselling should be a space for you both to air your thoughts in presence of a third party, who will be little more than a sounding board and a mediator. The counsellor is not there to offer you fixes, but will help each of you to have your say (if it's a good one) and to find your own answers, one of which may be that in fact your relationship has run its course - in which case, the counselling may then be useful in working out how to ease the separation - but I'm jumping ahead of myself, you are aiming to stay together at this time.

As I said in my first post - it would help the counselling process enormously if you approach it in a positive frame - by all means, tell your DH what is wrong, but do it in relation to your feelings and how it makes you feel about him, the relationship etc. Accept any responsibility you may have in the situation, offer ways in which things could be made better so that you can feel happier.

HTH!

[Omarlittlest]

i think you are amazing - totally honest - this is really what it takes to repair or build relationships. what i have read at the end of many of your posts is that you say you do love him and want it to work - so i would say keep going- be as honest as your are now and remember that you are doing this because you want it to work.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Sounds like an excellent start, at least. Good people can get into bad habits. If he is at heart a good person, if he is strong enough to accept and address his mistakes, he can change. Only time will tell (a) if he can keep it up (b) if you really want a long term future with the "new improved" H. If nothing else, it can at least teach him to be a better partner for someone else, but hopefully it won't come to that.

There are many different kinds of counselling, and many different types and qualities of counsellor. Some are, frankly, not very good. Others may just not be the right fit for you. I'd have thought Relate would be a good start, as you imply the problems between you are about communication and understanding and this is what they excel at. In cases where there is emotional abuse and/or infidelity I've heard some criticisms. (In the case of me and XH all the counselling in the world, the entire staff of ACAS, the Referees' Union and the Archangel Gabriel couldn't have done anything for us, but we tried anyway, and I did feel rather sorry for the poor lady.)

[YunoYurbubson]

Thanks again.

I must admit that now I am faced with the reality of counselling I am terrified. Well... not terrified so much as excruciatingly embarassed. A large part of me wants to say "no, no, marriage problems? No, you must be thinking of someone else. Not us. La la la can't hear you. Everything is fine, nothing to see here".

I have used the Relate email service, and am awaiting a response from them. I did it in the thick of dispair around the time I first emailed dh.

I also have a strong gut feeling that dh would massively benefit from counselling without me there. All of our problems stem from his issues, and I know he is terribly embarrassed about them. I am not sure it would be entirely helpful to have to go through it all in black and white, face to face, in the presence of a third party. That may be my fear speaking, but not only that I think.

I have a vague idea that if dh managed to get a decent handle on his issues then everything else would sort of fall in to place, with a bit of jiggling and some frank discussions. Well, not like a magic cure or anything... just that if he had the confidence to get past things, we might be able to fix everything else together by ourselves.

Not sure.

[thumbwitch]

Yuno - he can go to Relate by himself, or you can go to one together and then he can continue to go alone if you both think that would work better. He might not choose to open up about his embarrassing issues though, so it might be pointless - if you go along, you can encourage your DH to discuss his issues, even suggest that you leave the room if he prefers, but get the issues out there so that the counsellor knows they exist. Not that it will help if your DH refuses to address them - he has to want to do so.

[YunoYurbubson]

I have just got my reply from the online Relate counseller and have been in floods.

You know when you are putting on a brave face about something and you manage just fine until someone is really sympathetic, and then you burst into tears? It was like that.

I am stunned by what a relief it is just to hear someone say "you know what? That is shit, no wonder you are struggling" (I am paraphrasing, of course).

I am going out with a friend soon and I am going to enjoy a nice evening out. Tomorrow I shall write to my counseller again. I shall encourage dh to have his own counselling. I am sure we will reach a point where couple's therapy is appropriate. or where his therapist suggests I join his sessions for a time.

I think that together we can fix our marriage, but I think we need to repair the damage to ourselves separately. I shall put this to dh tomorrow.

I cannot believe that my op was only written 2 days ago.

[thumbwitch]

Feels like a lifetime, hey.

So glad that you have a night of light relief - hope it helped.

Hope your DH agrees to his own counselling - I think that would be good. And then maybe the couples counselling will be less necessary - who knows.

[Footlong]

If he is at heart a good person, if he is strong enough to accept and address his mistakes, he can change. Only time will tell (a) if he can keep it up (b) if you really want a long term future with the "new improved" H. If nothing else, it can at least teach him to be a better partner for someone else, but hopefully it won't come to that.

Totally wrong attitude and one bound to end in total and abect failure.
You want to strenghten your marriage, not mould you husband in to something you want.
You will both need to be prepared to address weaknesses and fault. If you take the attitude of fixing your husband, he will resent it and things will fall apart.

I think you have made a great start and I admire your methods so far, but please ignore the advice from Annie. You are both going to counselling, to both learn things and both to chamge so your marriage will see benefits.

[thumbwitch]

aha, here you are footlong. Have just been hearing about you. :)

Yuno - beware of strange men who are deluded over-endowed.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Footlong, I was not talking about changing this man into something he isn't. I was talking about him hopefully becoming the best version of himself through self-awareness. "Keeping it up" refers not to a false front but to the ongoing process of examining and addressing his own behaviours. We can all benefit from such an exercise, sometimes with guidance from a trained counsellor or therapist. Damaged people have difficulty with this process because it is too painful.

A marriage is not a "thing" of itself, that can be fixed like DIY. It is not made by two people; it is made of two people. There will be problems and flaws of course, because nobody's perfect. As my DB once put it, "[DW] and I together are more than the sum of our parts. We help each other to be better people." That's what a strong long-term relationship should all be about IMO. If one party can't do his or her share in the partnership, they may need help. But they must be willing to accept both the problem and the help, else they can't improve. There's a limit to how much the other partner should have to shore up the structure on their own, and I dare say we'd all draw that line in a different place.

Doesn't everyone who enters into a relationship have to make at least some small changes, some compromises? In a healthy situation both parties should be able to discuss what they do or don't like. I suppose in that sense they are changing each other, but voluntarily, out of love and consideration for another's feelings. It shouldn't change the basic person, just modify some of their behaviours as you have to do every day of the week with everybody you ever meet. Refraining from putting your muddy feet on the table, for instance, isn't denying your true nature, it's displaying some good manners - at home just as much as in the office or at tea with the Queen. Living with someone shouldn't be a strain, trying to be someone you're not, but you owe your life partner at least as much consideration as a stranger in the street, surely?

[Footlong]

Annie - I agree with the gist of your post. I just got the strong impression from your initial post on the subject that it all came down to changing the husband. I think it will require both parrtners to change and adapt almost equally. I believe that if the OP goes into therapy with her husband as a victim, then the process is likely to fall over. Even the OP has not claimed it is all his fault, they just dont get along like they used to.

The OP is not a victim (anymore or less than her husband) based on the facts we have been told. I would give exactly same opinion regardless of which gender had made the first post

Perphaps I misinterpreted your post, but I stand by my point.

[Footlong]

aha, here you are footlong. Have just been hearing about you.

Ahh yes you were posting in the purile immature thread that has now been deleted.