How do I move on properly after my hubbys cheating and not wanting to be with us?

[joshuasmummy06]

I've posted this on another website but just need help because I don't know what to do with myself.

I met my now husband when we were 17 - he comes from a family where his mother was not present for a very long period of time due to a serious mental health condition and he didn't have the best childhood at all which I don't think has helped the way he views family life and relationships.

We started living together when we moved to a different part of the country in late 2004, within the year he had slept with two friends. In late 2006 we had our first son, aged 20, and within the week I had found pictures of other womens privates on his phone he told me this wouldn't happen again and I believed him.

We moved back to our hometown in 2007 and he started a job and May 2008 we got married at which point I was 8 weeks pregnant with baby number two. He had been on and off this flirtomatic website constantly I was always finding text messages on his phone from other women etc

In March of this year he admitted he had met some of them and slept with them he also admitted that he had slept with up to ten prostitutes but I love him with all my heart and although it was hard I could let it go. I did something I shouldn't have done though and slept with another man that I had met on a night out - I didn't really want to but I just wanted to find out what was so good about sleeping with someone else that he did it so often - I came home and told him straight away at which point he called me all the names under the sun and was really abusive towards me, understandably, but whenever I would get upset about what he had done he would always tell me that it was because we did not have enough sex.

We were fine after this for 2-3 months and then I found messages on FB from someone that he works wth basically saying that if he wasn't with me then he would be with her - I messaged her and told her where to go obviously but again I found messages off another girl on his phone that he had met while out at work (he does a lot of local travelling) I rang her and again told her where to go.

So a couple of weeks ago I found more messages on his phone off yet another girl, i rang the number straight away and she was so lovely only 18 though and told me that he had followed her thorugh her town to get her number and the day after saw her with another boy and text her getting really funny/possesive about it. She was the one who made me think that the stuff he has done really shouldn't be forgiven but again I though forgive and forget. I'm still in contact with her now and she has been really supportive.

Last week he had a text come through on his phone - I opened it and it was from this woman, turns out she (who is foreign) and her husband met my hubby online and invited him to their place for sex. It transpires that she cannot get pregnant and is going round having unprotected sex with various diferent men in order to try and have a baby - it is this - the fact that he has has sex without a condom make me end it with him. God knows if i have got anything but the worst thing that scares the life out of me is that i am still breastfeeding my 20 month old and i am terrified that he may have passed something onto me and me in turn to my son.

I am heartbroken that our relationship is over because I love my husband but our financial circumstances mean that we have no choice but to carry on living together for the time being.

I'm not perfect and I know that he says that I am paranoid etc ec I do worry overly to much sometimes about our sons and I am not a thrillseeker which is the kind of person he is. He critices me for spending money, I do possibly spend a bit too much, but then it was ok for him to spend it on hookers and excessive phone bills because of other women.

Whatever I say about him he always turns it back on me making out that I am the one in the wrong, that it is my fault that he has done all this stuff. Like I said I haven't done everything in our relationship perfectly but surely there is no excuse for a man to constantly do this to his wife, and in fact his children? I'm sure he would have a different side to the story, everyone would, but i'm telling this from my perspective - how I feel about everything.

He is a fantastic dad to our children and I know that even when we seperate they will not lose out because he will make sure of that - they love him and he loves them, but, I did not sign up to family life with the view of becoming a single mum and I am so scared, I cannot stop crying, I just want a normal family for my boys and of course I still love him deep down regardless of what he has done.

Just needed to unload really and ask for advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How the hell do you sort your head out after something like this happens?

I slept with him last night because I was hoping that he would turn round afterwards and really want us to stay together, say sorry, tell me he loved me but he didn't. I want him to want us to be together and for him to promise that it will never happen again but I know that is not going to happen.

I just feel like my heart is breaking and I can't stop crying - he is determined we were over and so was I until a couple of days ago. I have just been looking through our wedding album and I don't know where the hell everything went wrong, we have only been married for just over 2 years. I just love him so much regardless of what has happened.

What do I do to help me get over this or at least stop crying on my 4 year old?

[jellyrolly]

You poor thing. It sounds like your self esteem has fallen so low because of your husband's behaviour. I can see how much you love him but I think you can also see that his behaviour is damaging.

Is he willing to see a therapist or a marriage counsellor with you? I can see that you and your children deserve respect and happiness but also that you love him deeply despite his appalling treatment of you. If not, would you consider seeing a Relate counsellor yourself to help you through it?

[nemofish]

Oh sweetheart - I am at a loss for advice, other than to say he is a selfish, lying, manipulative arse who knows how to make out it's everyone else's fault, never his.

Shortly somebody will be along with fantastic advice...

[nemofish]

sorry X post with jellyrolly, see joshuasmummy06 they are here already!

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I suspect whatever we say to you, will not convince you that this man is abusive in the extreme and that your life and that of your DCs, will get immeasurably worse if you stay with him.

Maybe have a think about what happened in your own life and childhood that has caused you to tolerate and forgive so readily? Once you know how that pattern was formed, it can become easier to see this situation with more clarity.

On a practical note, when did you last have a STI test? You wouldn't have been given one in pregnancy unless you specifically asked for it.

Oh and he is absolutely NOT a fantastic Dad to your children. He risked their health before your pregnancies and good Fathers do NOT do this to their mother. They also don't take money out of the family budget for prostitutes.

[nemofish]

He won't change, unless he gets some help for his problems, he seems to constantly need the attention from other women that he is flirting / sleeping with. Is he prepared to get help, or is he of the opinion that you need to forgive and get over it?

Don't even let him mention that you slept with someone else, I understand totally why you did what you did, don't give it another thought.

In a perfect world we would all live happily ever after with our adoring partners and no one would ever lie, cheat or abuse.

It's not a perfect world but you do not have to live like this, you deserve to be with someone who loves you, cares about your feelings and those of your dc, and worships the ground you walk on.

First step to finding that person is to somehow move on from your current bastard partner.

[BaggyAgy]

Hi Joshuasmummy. I too have lived with a serial philanderer. I am separated now and life is much better. I tried to make him change but it is impossible. He enjoys it, why would he stop. I realise now that he is a liar, a cheat and has deceived me and other women too. He doesn't love me or them, he only loves himself. I think he loathes himself too. He despised me for accepting his behaviour. I was someone he could fool, could lie to and laugh at. He has more respect now that we are not together. Get some help for yourself. You may need to learn that you deserve better. He is not a good Dad if he is cheating and lying and mistreating the children's Mother. You children are getting a strong message that his behaviour must be accepted, and that it is okay for their Mother to be made unhappy by him. Your children deserve a Mother who is truly happy. He is putting his needs before those of your children and you. You need to leave him, and find out why you love someone who mistreats you. Like me, you need some therapy/counselling. You are young, don't waste your life hoping he will change. He won't. It won't get better whilst you are together. You might get depressed and then he will blame his behaviour on your depression. He will blame you, never never himself. He is the problem, and he won't change, you can.

[moocowme]

google sex addict as this is what you ar married to. its not nice and yes they can change but you have a long way to go before that is sorted. but please do not have sex with him hoping that it will change his views.

[skidoodly]

Bollocks to sex addict.

OP you sound completely broken by how this bastard treats you.

Relationship counselling is a waste of time, but could you try getting some counselling for yourself? You need to figure out why you think you're not worth more than this.

I really hope that one day you understand that this is not love. Not even close.

[BaggyAgy]

Hi again. I am interested that you had a brief affair to find out what the attraction is. I have contemplated doing the same, but knew that I would fear discovery and that I could not live with the fear of discovery. I even contemplated paying a man for one night of passion. That way, I figured, he would have no interest in "outing" me. When the wine wore off I realised that I didn't want to do that, what I really wanted to do was to get even. My philandering H, yes he is possibly addicted to his flirtations, was driving me to contemplate behaviour I would normally never consider. Infidelity is just not in my nature. Save yourself, LEAVE.