DH is trying to make me move abroad...

[Flisser]

I'll try to keep it short but I desperately need advice. DH and I ave 2 DC's aged 6 and 2.6

DH is Australian and when we first met I made a point of telling him that I would never be happy living abroad as I hate the heat and love my large extended family...as well as my country.

He accepted this and said he lived the UK and wanted to persue his career here. Fast forward and we get married and have DC 1....he loses his job and when DC is 2 months old DH persuedes me to "Give Oz a try"....so I do...we take DC 1 to Oz...I ma in a bad way with depression and the after effects of an emergency c section. I spend 1 year of hell in Oz while DH goes out with his mates and generally regresses...he hardly worked and we had hardly any cash.

We return to the UK and he gets a crappy job and makes no effort to try for a better one...meanwhile I work on my own career and now am self employed and earning a respectable (not massive) amount of cash by working in the evenings at home.

I get pregnant with DC 2 and DH gets addicted to online gambling...we row terribly, he loses his job as he is up all night gambling and borrows masses of cash from his family in Oz....then last year he wins a few grand and uses it to visit Oz alone...for 2 months....he returns and informs me he has a good job offer from a family friend and wants to go back there and work. I say I am not happy about it and he tries to persuede me to go to..I am reluctant and DC 1 is now happy in her school and I have trouble trusting my DH due to the awful rows we had... He goes anyway.

Its 7 months before we see him again...he calls and skypes every day whilst he is away and puts lots of cash in my account...covers rent and bills etc.

He is now trying to make me pack up my life here and join him...he says it would be for 18 months whilst he saves and works....and then he will buy a house in UK and come back here to live...even though he doesn't want to.

I dont want to go. I have tried and tried to see it positively but I can't. I can only see the disruption to DCs education...the mess of packing out rental house up...the heat..the missing my family and I have the fear he wont want to return after all that.

Tonight I told him I had changed my mind and didn't want to go and he swore at me and told me to tell the kids he's dead...as he is so devestated I won't go. He said if I dont go then it is over anyway and he'll kill himself.

We have had this a lot of times since he went the first time..I should add he came back for 6 weeks in summer and all was rosy between us....had a great time...the kids miss him and I am angry he went in the first place when I was against it...I feel he is blackmailing me...and he also throws the money thing in my face...about how he has given me loads of money. I am so upset right now

Other than missing having a Dad about our kids are happy, well adjusted and DC 1 is doing very well at school...I feel sad...not sure where to go from here.

[colditz]

Sounds like he'd be no great loss if he did fuck off and kill himself in Australia, the spoilt little twat.

[Lauriefairycake]

He has treated you appallingly and he is a man-child.

Bin him and move on knowing that you have given him everything possible.

You deserve better - I cannot believe how badly he has treated you.

[skidoodly]

He throws the money thing in your face?

You mean the bit where he got into loads of debt and lost his job because of gambling?

Don't go. This guy sounds like a total loser. He is blackmailing you. You don't want to go. Your children are settled.

It's not really that much of a conundrum.

[Gay40]

Amen to Colditz.

[ConnorTraceptive]

He's a twat and he won't kill himself.

[Katisha]

No he won't kill himself.
If he starts making those sorts of threats say you will ask someone in Oz to alert the police.
Sounds to me like this relationship has hit the buffers really.

[Flisser]

He keeps calling me back....and telling me the DCs are losing out if I don't go....telling me it's only for 18 months etc..he does love them massively and I think he loves me but he's screwed up....WHY is he so desperate fr me to go? I said that if he wants us so badly then he can stay there for a few more months...save up and come back...but he freaks out...

[Katisha]

But he loves being in Oz more than he loves you and the kids for some reason?

[Flisser]

That's it Katisha! I say that to him and he accuses me of trying to control him...to MAKE him live in the UK...when in fact he is tryng to MAKE me live in Oz

[PotPourri]

No question, don't go. This sounds like it really is not your fault. He's got serious issues (addiction to gambling, peter pan complex, lazyitis to name but a few).

You don;t want to go
You don't have a good relationship with him
There is nothing much there for you (there is here with the school, family, your career)
You are managing absolutely fine without him, thank you
You have actually tried it already, you're not just being a wimp

seriously, cut your losses and move on

[werewolf]

So if you were in Oz, with the kids, and you split up, do you think he'd try for full custody?

[AnyFucker]

stay here

with your family, who love and cherish you

this guy doesn't, he is a game-player

either that, he will never settle in the UK

whatever

if you know you won't settle in Oz, don't uproot your children to chase afer this unreliable man

[Flisser]

Werewolf...it's crossed my mind....though he says he would never try to stop me leaving with them...but theyy all say that don't they?

I just wish we could bloody split up and be in the same country so he could see them at the frigging weekend! As it is, they're going to have no dad at all...

[Flisser]

TheButterflyEffect

I love him. That's the worst of it.

[skidoodly]

You work for yourself. Your business is central to keeping your children fed, clothed and sheltered.

You can't just fuck off to the other side of the world for 18 months.

What will change in a year and half that will mean he will move to the UK and become a productive member of society?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

He sounds awful :(

[werewolf]

Well, I wouldn't go. You're providing them a happy and stable life here and you were upfront with dh about not living in Australia, when you first met.

You've even tried it. I am amazed he won't can't see your point of view.

If your best mate were in this position, what would you say to her?

[Flisser]

Skidoodly...my work is net based...I only need to mke a few phonecalls and very rarely. I could do it from anywhere...he always uses that as a reason.

He has calle me repeatedly tonight....trying to wear me down.

I love him and he loves me...it's awful really.

[colditz]

he wants you to move so that if you split, the children will have to live in Australia. if he fucks off himself, he'll have to come an visit them - he cannot demand that you move from where they are settled - but similarly, if you settle them in Australia, you cannot then unsettle them without his permission to take them back to britain,

[fizzledrizzle]

Even if you love him you can not ruin your business and income - your money supports your children and is critical to their future.

I think you know this.

He went away for 7 months.

Your children and you deserve stability.

As you have lived in Australia, I am sure I do not need to let you know just how massive the gambling scene is in Australia.

[fizzledrizzle]

Excellent point Colditz.

[Katisha]

Stand firm. As colditz says, you don't want to find yourselves splitting up in Australia and then being in real trouble.