rather trivial angst over new man

[kallima]

Hello

This is going to seem really trivial in the face of everything else on here..but none the less it's something I seem completely unable to deal with myself at the moment, or ever infact. I guess I am just looking for tactics or maybe a stern voice to tell me what to do..

Basically, I met a bloke on a night out about 3 months ago, a friend of a friend. Didnt fancy him AT ALL, and barely spent any time even talking to him. However, he took me by surprise by asking for my number at the end of night and I ended up giving it to him because I felt a bit cornered.

I decided there and then I would not respond to him as I knew I didnt fancy him, so what was the point. He texted a few times and I was very good and just left it, thinking that was the best thing to do.

(you know what's coming)

Anyway, he ended up texting directly asking me if I wanted to go out for dinner. I was out, happily glugging back glasses of wine, and thought 'oh why not, it's only a date and he might be really nice etc etc' so we arranged to see each other upon my return from holiday about 3 weeks later.

On holiday, he texted a bit, and, probably feeling safe because I was on an island in the middle of the med, ended up texting back quite flirtily, until the texts got, shall we say, positively filthy. Which was kinda exciting, however, I also got quite worried because I knew I hadn't fancied him etc etc. and I knew I was giving him the wrong idea.

Got home, and went on date. Totally still didnt fancy him. Got roaringly drunk together and ended up in bed. Can't remember ANY of it, just waking up in the morning and going OMG, what have I done...

Well, this is where it gets confusing...we ended up seeing each other for most of the weekend. Which I kind of liked and didnt like at the same time. I told him I wasnt really looking for a relationship at the moment, and that I was seeing (although not shagging) other men. He seemed fine with this and we kind of tentatively agreed that we would see each other on a casual basis.

The problem is now, I actually cant get him out of my head. I have this enormous emotional pull towards him which is taking over. But rationally I know it is ridiculous. And what's making it even worse is I hardly hear from him at all now (oldest story ever huh?). I tell myself I will not contact him, and then I get all panicky inside, and so i and text him and then wish I hadnt. I dont seem to be able to hold back enough to let myself move on, and it is wrecking my head. I think it might be related to the fact I slept with him, so feels like it should mean more than it does, and I suppose it's horrible that it obviously doesnt to him.... but the thing which really gets me is I still dont fancy him! I just feel really really needy!

What's that about? Any ideas?

[MabelMay]

hi kallima - don't have time to write a full proper post now but didn't want to leave your question ignored.

The main reason you're feeling so needy for this guy now is, quite simply, because he appears to have lost interest. And nobody can stand that feeling, even if we don't - as in your case - really fancy the person involved. And what makes that rejection even worse, in your head, is the fact that you slept with him. Believe me, you wouldn't be feeling half as needy or panicky over him if he was texting you continuously saying he couldn't stop thinking about you etc etc.

Just concentrate on the fact that you DON'T FANCY HIM.
You want your decision to shag him to be validated, you want him to want you after going to bed with him. No-one can stand rejection so everything you're feeling is completely normal.

What kind of things have you been texting him?

He sounds like a real arse if he really has decided to stop contact now that he's got his shag out of you.
I feel for you though.

[SheWillBeLoved]

Exactly what was said above. Although I wouldn't say he was an arse for not contacting you as much, I have to say I'd back off if I was told they weren't after a relationship and were seeing other women.

If you don't fancy the bloke, don't contact him again. It isn't fair on him, leave him for someone who will find him attractive.

[peeweewee]

ooh I've been there! went out with a guy from work (after I left) because he fancied me loads so I thought I'd give it a try. I really did give it a try but it just wasn't happening for me. Then he broke up with me, and I spent months pining after him (we only went out for 2 months!!) - almost more than I had for anyone I actually did fancy. It was just the rejection but I'm saying that knowing that made it any easier to let go of him. I was obsessed!! But it was unhealthy and yes, I deserve to be with someone who I fancy the pants off!!

[kallima]

I dont want to contact him again....that's the problem! I know he's not right for me, yet I'm here pining over him.

Totally agree MabelMay, that if I couldn't get rid of him I would feel totally differently. It's always the way isn't it.

I dont think I am hurting him, when I told him I wasnt interested in a relationship, he said he would be perfectly happy with a friends with benefits situation (what a surprise!) but tbh that only made me feel worse!

I was texting him, well, just general sex chat. The sex texting was more exciting than the real thing though!

I suppose I do kind of feel now he has got a shag out of me, that's it...but then I'm also kind of thinking it was my own fault too - I knew I wasnt interested and I let myself go along with it all, thinking I would be immune!

I just want to find away to stop that desire/need to text him because it just makes me feel completely out of control!

[peeweewee]

Go on some internet dates to distract you. That's what I did. Works to some extent.

[SolidGoldBrass]

You will get over this, and fairly quickly. Just don't allow yourself to think that he's a bastard who was only after one thing. You only offered him the one thing and you told him there was no more on offer, so the fact that he has decided enough's enough and moved on is something he is perfectly entitled to do.

[Rollergirl1]

You do need to delete his number. Do it now. I bet you anything it will be a case of "out of sight out of mind". Once the number has gone you will relax because you physically aren't able to contact him and then within a few days you'll wonder what in hell you were doing wasting so much headspace over it. Trust me.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Mmmwine: No, just old and spent a lot of time working on magazines about relationships.

[Rollergirl1]

Are you Sally Brampton, Dear Deidre or Karen Krizanovich?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Nope. I met KK a few times though, she's cool.

[gingerwig]

I don't know who you are SGB but you are bloody marvellous. I wish you would post more

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

IMO You've just got used to the attention, and used to having something on the back burner. If you don't particularly like or fancy him then it's just like a sugar high of attention that wears off quickly and you need another.

Give him up (you really don't want to waste time talking to /shagging unattractive bloke) and eat some porridge find someone who is actually nice, attractive etc.

TBH if you just want a shag (which sounds like is possibly the case given sexy texts etc) then you just needed him to be a) interested b) a bit filthy and c) available :o So he's now fulfilled his purpose in your life. Delete number and move on :)

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Forgot d) nice and clean

[kallima]

hey, thanks for your responses :)

I dont particularly think of him as a bastard, just annoyed with myself for giving more than I should have and thinking I could get away with it not bothering me.

i think what's frustrating is that after following my initial gut instinct of not seeing him, I 'allowed' myself to be 'caught' and now I'm the bollocksed one!

I can delete his number, but he has a rather prominent job which means his number is readily available on the net..just my luck!

I suppose I can always keep his texts (really filthy) and then if and when he makes it big, I can produce them, sell my story and make a mint! watch this space!

[SolidGoldBrass]

WHy do you think you 'gave more than you should have'? You had sex with him and enjoyed it, there's nothing wrong with that.
Have a look at this which is a better way to think about it...

[kallima]

I think I feel like that because I never wanted to shag him in the first place.

Will read link :)

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

If you never wanted to shag him, why did you?

Just for sex? Or to shut him up? Or what?

[kallima]

Couple of reasons: a) we had been doing all the sex texting and I thought it might be good and b) I was pissed.

Two thoroughly good reasons there! lol

Tbh, it's not so much about the sex - more about moving on from it all now. The sex and attention were the things which just got me hooked

[gingerwig]

nothing wrong with sex and attention