Dh has emailed me to say he's leaving..

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

I'm ok with the fact he's going- it needed to happen. I only posted on a thread the other day that I didn't think I could stay in the marriage just for the childrens sake for much longer.

We've had years of fighting, and now we barely speak. We do need to split. His email was actually really nice- he'll leave, don't worry about money (anymore than we already do), he'll be there for the children 24/7, he loves me, but is rubbish at showing it and we're both miserable.

I agree a split is probably the best thing.

So why am I so fucking angry and upset? Ok, yes I'm angry that he wants to end an (almost) 11 year marriage with a bloody email, but it's more than that. I've tried so hard for years to make this work, and he sends an email and thats it over. But I'm so upset- keep crying and I'm shaking. Why- this is what I wanted.

He doesn't fucking love me- he does nothing to show he loves me.

I feel really sick. Thank god I'm off work today- had he even considered I could read that email at work? What if I hadn't checked my emails? I think my heads going to burst.

My friends been round and given me loads of pratical adviced and let me rant and cry on her. I've phoned my boss to say I'll need to take the boys to school tomorrow (he was meant to but obviously can't if he's not here), so I'll be late in. She was lovely and called him lots of names which helped.

Why do I feel so awful though.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

I've text him to say I got his email but haven't said anything else.

[expatinscotland]

11 years of marriage and he couldn't tell you to your face that it's over?

You know what, that says it all.

He has no respect for you at all whatsoever.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

you took the words right out of my mouth, expat. 11 years. email.

[RedMoomin]

I am so sorry for what has happened. I don't really have any advice for you - I am sure that there will be plenty of people around with words of wisdom for you soon.

I just didn't want to let this go unanswered. You sound like you are doing well though and I am so pleased you have RL support. (And an email is a horrible way to communicate something like this, expected or not.)

Best wishes and I am thinking about you.

[c0rns1lk]

what a shock for you - no wonder you're feeling so awful

[RedMoomin]

And here they are! Phew!

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

I know he has no respect for me, that's a huge part of why I've thought we need to split.

Just feel like I've been slapped round the face with it though.

[Lauriefairycake]

It's perfectly normal to be angry and hurt - just keep expressing it.

But take the high ground with him - he has only articulated (albeit poorly in an email ) what you both want so don't rage at him. There's no point after all is there - you both want to split.

Just because you intellectually want something (the split) doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt like buggery. Cry, yell, scream, and be terribly sad that after 11 years you are now alone again.

{{{hugs}}}

[PlumBumMum]

You are angry because you wanted him to show some shred of emotion/regret/love and maybe cry together and then agree its for the best,
he definitely is rubbish at showing it

[LtEveDallas]

I'm so sorry, and I wish I could help, but obvs only you can work out how you feel.

If it helps tho' - When I split with my first husband I felt the same - even though I had been unhappy for ages, and was actively looking for a way out. In the end I realised that for me it was 'Failure'. I was angry and upset because I had 'failed' at marriage. I'm a quite uptight, pernickety person, never failed at anything in my life, didn't attempt to start something unless I knew I could finish it, so the thought of 'failing' at something as important as marriage horrified me.

I felt as if people would judge me, or worse, feel sorry and pity me. I couldn't stand that thought.

In the end I lied - I told people that I had initiated the split. I didn't get any sympathy (in fact quite the opposite) but to me that was better.

True friends knew the truth, but kept schtum. Acquaintences were told the lie.

(I know I'm skewed, and I doubt it's healthy, but it was the way I coped)

Could it be anything like that?

[armbow]

so sorry you are going through this.

you feel awful because no matter how much you have been expecting it to happen when it does eventually happen it really hurts, especially it has come via email

you need to allow yourself to feel like this though because it is your mind dealing with it in a healthy way

it sounds as though you have given your all to your marriage and you are probably exhausted from all the effort.

(fwiw i am 3 months in with a similar situation to yours. h left but it was not an entire surprise, it knocked me for six for a few weeks but i am an awful lot better now. what got me through was the wonderful advice from mn and also the knowledge that i had to let the feelings come because what you are feeling is totally normal)

[TigerFeet]

What an utter dick

An email??? Seriously??

An email.

What an utter knobhead.

You're upset because even though you knew it was over, you probably weren't expecting your split to be finalised in such an impersonal way. It's more than likely brought it home to you that he is too cowardly to face up to it.

I hope that in a few weeks' time you can look back on this and laugh at his inability to be an adult.

Good luck to you x

[Tippychoocks]

It's horrible to hear it via email I imagine but it is what you both wanted right? And he's being amicable about money etc. So try not to let your hurt and anger spill over at him - there's no point. Keep it amicable and call him all the names in the world on MN and to your friends.
for you but it sounds like this is what you want. It doesn't make it any nicer when it happens though, I agree.

[BertieBotts]

Oh, love. This is really normal. It's a massive massive thing and although it's what you wanted it must be a shock to hear it from the other side, so to speak. (And what a wanker to do it over email!) FWIW even if you had told him you were leaving I think you would still feel like this. Best thing to do is to allow it to happen, acknowledge the feeling and be kind to yourself now. Can anyone have the boys after school for you to give you a bit more time?

Practical stuff now: Don't delete the email. It will be beneficial if he changes his mind later to have a record of the stuff he said about the boys and the money in writing. Also, stay away from alcohol if you can. Have you phoned utilities in his name/any benefits people etc? That can wait until tomorrow if not, unless you want to do something practical now.

Hugs and remember you can always rant away on here, we'll listen :)

[PeterTong]

please don't take his word for it about money

go to a solicitor and get shit straight and get it in writing.

[armbow]

agree with others, another thing that helped me was to remain completely dignified as that was i was safe in the knowledge that he even though my h was not going about things in the right way at least i was.

the best bit of advice i got on here was to act with dignity now. you want to look back on this part of your life in 10 years time and be proud of how you handled things both for your sake and for the sake of your dcs.

[armbow]

yes second that get it in writing

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

I'm not going to take any emotions out on him- there is no point now going over and over what got us to this stage, no point in you did or didn't do this and that.

LtEveDallas- yes maybe I do feel a bit of a failure. My parents will do the 'we're so disappointed' thing, which won't help.

I know I will be ok in a while. Part of me just now though wants to beg him to stay just to stop me feeling this bad. I know that won't solve anything though.

Every time I think of telling the boys I start crying again. This will devestate them. They worship their dad.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

on the pratical side- mortgage, utilities, everything is in joint names. I think my car is just in his name but I'll have to check. He is the registered owner. Joint bank accounts. Both of us work, no benefits. He earns twice as much as me (we're not loaded though- alot of debt)

I have ds2's friend coming back after school- can't cancel as he is so looking forward to it. Both boys have an activity this evening though, I'm assuming he'll be back to get his things while they're out.

I'll keep the email. My friend thinks though (and I agree) that the way he's worded it is almost like he's waiting for me to turn round and say, no- lets talk, we'll work it out.

I don't think I can deal with this.

[Tippychoocks]

You can though invisibleman. I took Exh back because I was scared and just didn't want to deal with being a LP again. Worst idea ever and I'm much better off as a LP. It sounds like you will be too.

[armbow]

but you can deal with this take it hour by hour if you have to at the moment, write lists if you need to and prioritise.

get in touch with tax credits and let them know that you are now a single parent.

get a separate bank account set up and get all benefits like tax credits and Child benefit paid in there.

call the council and apply for your council tax to be reduced now that you are the only adult in the house.

and keep posting !

[armbow]

do you think it would happen again if you got back with him ?

think about that long and hard

if you think nothing would change and you will find yourself in the same position a little further down the road then try and stay strong.

you say he never shows you any affection or love. if he wants you back he should be beating your door down (another piece of mn advice that I was given!)

[Gretl]

I'm shocked he could do something as life-changing as that by email Very sorry to read it.

I know this isn't really that relevant today, but by doing this, he has kind of given you the upper hand in a way: you can be rightly outraged that a) he left you, and b) he did it by fucking email.

Not suggesting you beat him over the head with it but keep it in reserve! If you'd finally left him, you can bet he'd be behaving like the wronged one and milking it a bit, somewhere along the line.

[Madascheese]

::( bloody grim way to handle it.

You're obviously the adult in the relationship.

It doesn't matter if you thought it might be inevitable or not it's still a shit thing to have to manage and his choice to use email is childish and cowardly. Suspect you might be right that he's wanting to 'reach a compromise' IME people usually do say 'oh we'll be nice about money' until the shit hits the fan.

Be kind to yourself, find things to laugh at - it really helps.

minute by minute, then hour by hour, eventually youll work your way up to year by year.

Goodluck

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

I don't know if I should phone him, or email back, or wait until he comes in this evening to say 'yes, I agree, we need to split'.

I don't want him reading an email like that at work, nor take a phonecall like it either. But I don't want to wait until he's home in front of the boys. Thinking about it he wouldn't just get his things and go while the boys are out- he would want to say goodnight to them.

I can't tell them yet- I need time to think about how to do it.

How the hell can he send that and still get up and go to work like it's a normal day? Does 11 years, or rather the 13 we've been together, not even merit taking the time to at least tell me to my face?

He said he didn't want to fight anymore. Give me enough credit that if you tell me you're leaving me I'm going to want to talk, not shout.

Need to get the boys from school. Thankyou all for letting me rant and the advice.

This is going to be a long evening.