Do you have problems bringing up issues with your DH ?

[cloudedview]

My timing is always 'wrong' apparently. Oh and so are half the things I want to discuss. Firstly the kind of issues I might want to talk about are sometimes 'boring' things or they could just be things to do with our relationship and how I am feeling about them.

DH is very involved in the fun bits of family life (2 young DCs) and I deal with the structure behind it - I don't have a huge issue with this (bills, etc) but when it comes to the bigger things about money, the future etc then I think it's a joint thing that needs discussing. I also think it's important in a relationship to be able to speak up about things that I may be unhappy with.. but when I do I am greeted with 'look I'm really tired, I just want to watch TV and switch off.. so then I think 'ok so maybe the weekend is a good time ' and I get 'Look its the weekend - do you HAVE to bring this up now ?'

Sometimes situations are completely turned round on me so that I become the issue (ie my timing, or the fact that I may be upset about something that he doesn't see as important ) and end up looking like I am in the wrong / over-reacting or the 'boring' one whereas actually - he was the issue in the first place - Is this just a clever diversion strategy on his part ?

I have feelings about things ie he got back v late last night and I only got a text -saying he was at work and then he took his workmate for a beer as he was having problems in his personal life - but when I bring it up with him - I am likely to be met with 'Look - I'm really stressed at work at the moment - I don't need all this as well' type reaction. Then I am left questioning if I 'should' have been feeling as if I am not important and pissed off with him and 'yes - I suppose he is really stressed'.

I am always questioning if I what I am feeling is valid, trying to see things from his point of view, cut him some slack. Its not like I am met with fierce anger - more just a dismissive tone - which I dislike almost as much.

Does anyone else have this and how do you deal with it ?

[onelastchance]

Hi Clouded. Don't really have advice advice I'm afraid but I experience the same type of thing.

have you tried saying in advance you'd like ot discuss something and when is a conveneient time?

[justwaitaminute]

I get this all the time, if I try and discuss anything that he's not comfortable with (generally his behaviour) then I'm being horrible!!

So I don't really have any advice but I know exactly how you feel and its annoying. I'm interested to see if anyone else has the answer.

[AnyFucker]

your husband sounds like he thinks he is the primary person in your relationship and that your feelings are always secondary to his

not a great position to be in, tbh

[cloudedview]

thanks. Good to see I am not alone....

Yes AF I think it's becoming less about whatever I want to talk about and more about me feeling like I don't matter and a general feeling of being disrespected. Problem is that I am more and more reluctant to bring things up due to his disdain, lack of understanding for my feelings and (sometimes) aggressive reactions.

I am starting to 'plan' what I say too much and sometimes don't say anything as I hate confrontation so much. It's crap and quite isolating in a marriage - really a case of put up or shut up. It's not normal is it ? How do others discuss things in a 'normal' relationship ? I say normal as both of us grew up in v disfunctional families and have never seen a normal family in operation .

[Hullygully]

It's completely unacceptable. Take that as your starting point and go from there.

[AnyFucker]

clouded, you are being bullied

you speak up less because he is browbeating you into submission

I am very sorry, walking on eggshells because you fear an aggressive reaction is one of the scenarios of an abusive relationship

have you talked to anyone in RL about this ?

I have to go to work in a minute, but if you feel able to elaborate, you will get much support here and I will be back later x

[1234ThumbWar]

It's not right on the day to day stuff at all I do however have some sympathy on the bigger issues as I can be a little like this myself. For example I hate talking about financial issues and obviously sometime I have no choice. Over the years DH and I have worked out that I find it better to talk about it during week days, so we either email or talk on the phone. Sounds mad, but it works for us. Having said that in the beginning when I responded badly to DH trying to talk to me he'd happily tell me I was being a nightmare and I'd agree - that's how we found a way to work around it. Doesn't sound like you two are communicating and it does sound like that's down to him.

Have you asked him what times are good to talk?

[AbsofCroissant]

I agree with the other posters - this is not healthy.

DP and I are SUPER crapola at discussing stuff. Me, because I hate hate hate doing it (for various reasons) and he normally waits for me to bring stuff up. Then we hit a crisis earlier in the year, which nearly ended the relationship and we had to talk. It was tough - we would spend hours discussing things over and over and over, I would end up crying, but as difficult as it was, it saved the relationship and we are getting better at talking about things.

Maybe set aside an evening when the DC are in bed, switch the TV/radio/everything off, have dinner together and start talking. It seems like you are unhappy already - it shouldn't get to the point where the relationship is breaking down because of a lack of communication.

I would also be concerned, very much, that you feel you have to kow tow to him and walk on egg shells.

[AnyFucker]

this sounds less like a "communication problem" and more like a "he doesn't give a shit how she feels", tbh

[cloudedview]

err where do I start. Ok I guess it is probably necessary to elaborate as it's so complicated .....He left me about a year ago, I found out I was pregnant a week after he left and now have a beautiful 3 month old DS (and 3 year old DD) and we are now supposed to be working on things and he has moved back in - starting marriage guidance next week - both of us are in our individual therapy too. I think we are both honest when we say that whilst it's not a case of staying together for the kids, I'm not sure we would be doing this if we had no children - and I guess its not a bad place to start but not one to stay long term if things don;t work out.

So friends tell me he should be begging to come back and really proving that he wants me, loves me, cherishes me but he just says he is being honest and does not know how he feels about things so can we just see how things go.. To be honest I am not sure how I feel about him either so I guess I can understand him when he says that too. Its such a mess. As I sit here typing I can barely believe it's my life I am talking about. My biggest fear is not really me - it's how messed up my DD could be from all of this..

[AnyFucker]

oh, sweetheart

I really hope the therapy helps you both to work out what you want/need

if he is treating you like a 2nd class citizen in the meantime though, how the hell is that supposed to be helpful

I am guessing he left you for another woman ?

Is he punishing you in some way for "making" him come back and give it another try ? Is he resentful that he cannot just go off and live the single life again ?

If that is the case...it is best he just goes, tbh

[AnyFucker]

sorry to post and run, but I need to go to work this second

[Mindovermatter]

Cloudview - can I ask why DH left you? Perhaps the reason he left you before has never been addressed? I hope things get better for you.

[cloudedview]

No worries.

He left because he wasn't happy and had started to get 'too close to' someone from work. He says to this day that nothing other than kissing happened before he left . He did have a brief fling with her around Christmas last year but realised that the problem /unhappiness wasn't all about our marriage , a lot of it was in him. To his credit he is really working on things - in therapy twice a week - has admitted he has bullying tendencies (from his Dad) that he is trying to reign in and issues with women and he is on a bit of a journey - so not complete denial about his own problems.

I think half the problem is that most of the time, I am not sure if he is a bully or I am just crap at being clear, making myself heard and sticking up for myself. I do not have this problem in day to day life and other relationships - only with him. Its a funny dynamic. I think our relationship would be a lot more authentic/healthier if I spoke my mind all the time, which results in conflict so it's a real catch 22 . He just doesn't seem to have ANY empathy whatsoever.

This post sounds so muddled and confused and that's exactly how I am feeling.

[scruffymomma]

I sometimes get this from my DH and it annoys the hell out of me so I have made a couple of decisions which help:

I pick my moments
I warn in advance that I'm going to want to talk about X and soon - pin him down to a time
Discuss said topic in a business like manner and draw it to a definite close

Having done the above, if he still kicks off I give MUCH less of a shit because I can be very sure that I've been reasonable and he's being an arse (that was difficult for me to start with but it's getting easier )

I think you need to let go of the fear of your DH throwing his toys out of the pram, what is the worst that can happen? If that answer to that scares you then you KNOW you are in trouble.

BTW is this a tactic he uses with his mother or wider family? How does she / they deal with it

And maybe you should start having a bit more fun with your kids!

Good luck, this is not a nice position to be in.

[scruffymomma]

CV, sorry I posted my last comment before seeing the rest of the story.

I'm also sorry to hear that you sound so miserable but I can't blame you.

I really hope things work out for you but you do not have to be a doormat to allow your relationship to work. Are you scared that if you speak your mind he will leave again? Because you know this is not something that you can keep up in the long term.

Could he give you say, 2 hours a month to air your views? Have it as a set time and gradually increase the frequency.

Being listened to is a basic right within a relationship, how would he feel if his DD were being treated like this?

[Hullygully]

oh dear poor yoy. No simple answers to this. I guess you just have to keep pursuing the therapy and see where you both go. Perhaps he feels he is making as much effort as he can.

[cloudedview]

scruffy - good advice re bringing stuff up thanks thanks.

We have a fantastic time with our kids and he is an amazing Dad- we operate wonderfully together as parents and have lots of fun. I actually think we have spent too much time all together as a family since he came back and that we have barely had time to talk (maybe both of us would rather do that as it's far easier than dealing with our own sh*t)

I am taking DS to baby clinic now but will be back on later. thanks for everyone's posts.

[Mindovermatter]

Cloudedview - has your man ever said sorry for being unfaithful? Do you trust him now? From the outside looking in it looks a bit like the two of you have lost faith in each other and are only there for kids sake but maybe im wrong? Perhaps it might help to make a list of his good points, and for him to do same.

[cloudedview]

He has said sorry for being unfaithful, letting me go through the pregnancy by myself, walking out etc but I guess I had hopes of him galloping back in on a white horse full of remorse... and I have had a half baked version of that... I guess because he is still unsure and actually he feels almost as wronged as I do.... He is really sorry that it happened but also acknowledges that there is a reason why he was unhappy (his main reason according to him is that we didn't look after each other and 'grow' as a couple).

I guess it's ok to be unsure but he seems to change his mind all the time about whether he is in this 100% and I feel like I want to get some of the power back in the relationship - as I kind of feel like I am being blown about in the wind depending on how he is feeling at the time.

Half of the time I have no hope about us and think that I many be giving up the chance to meet someone in the future who loves me unconditionally and at other times I look at our 2 beautiful DCS and think that we should both give this everything we've got to make it work .

This thread is now actually nothing about the original post but maybe this is actually what I needed to post!!

[atswimtwolengths]

I don't like him.

It's all about him, isn't it? Think of yourself and what makes you happy - certainly being able to talk openly to someone should be top of the list. You can't do that with him - he doesn't want you to.

He's not a fantastic father if he cheats on the children's mother (either emotionally or physically), makes her feel she can't talk to him and deserts her when she's pregnant. He may play good games with the children, but what will he do if one of the children treats you with contempt in their teenage years? Will he realise it's because of the way he treats you, will he tell them to speak to you properly, or will he join in?

Leave him. I don't often say that, but now that you've clarified the matter (with talking about the affair and desertion) it's pretty clear to me. Get out whilst the children are young and make a happy life for yourself.

[cloudedview]

If I had read my thread on here and I wasn't me I think I would be giving me the same advice... but it's so hard because, believe it or not we still have a lot of affection for each other and I can still look at him and see the man that I fell in love with and married... but then I also see the man that has done this to me and it's so tough.

You are right about it being all about him. He only has the ability to see things from his point of view and I think that is a big problem. Lack of empathy and understanding in the extreme. I think I keep making the mistake of thinking I can change him. Maybe I should give us (in my head) a limit of 4 counselling sessions and see where that takes us.. I suppose I feel like I have some degree of control then.

[AnyFucker]

cv...he can still be a good father to his children without being your life partner

don't forget that

you must be selfish here

your children will grow up and it may be too late for you to find happiness with some less selfish, less self-obsessed

if you stay in a marriage for them they will not thank you for the years of tension and "not quite-rightness" they will pick up on

as mummy gets unhappier and unhappier and daddy takes out his frustration on mummy

a marriage like this isn't a good example to give them

you should bring these subjects up with the counsellor and see where it takes you

I wish you the very best, and keep talking on here if it helps you x

[Ipom]

My DH is just one big fucking problem at the moment.

[atswimtwolengths]

It's not a matter of her being selfish, though, is it? It's not selfish to want to be heard in a relationship.

He is the one who is being totally selfish, right to the point of not even letting her speak when she wants to speak! He is a bully; a self-centred bully.

It's obvious that her partner can be OK some of the time, but if she wants someone who truly cares about her, she's better looking for someone else.

I think her partner has character flaws that won't change, no matter how long she lives with him.