brothers wedding husband not invited

[speechagent]

My brother is having a civil partnership ceremony next week with his partner.
My husband is not invited but I and my 3 children are.
The reason for this is that 8 years age one Christmas my husband was very drunk. It was very late at night and he wanted a cigarrete. He knew my brother had some but brother would not let him have one. This threw him into a drunken rage and he spouted venom about 'dirty gays' etc. Very insulting language, I was very embarrassed and my H slept in the car. My H did give big apology by phone and we did all meet up a couple of days later for Sunday lunch in the pub. However things have been a little frosty since. We have seen my brother a few times since (once or twice a year- we live some distance apart) although his partner never comes.
Initially I was not surprised that H was not invited and I told my brother I would attend (I do want to show him my support). However as time has gone on and it is now very close it all feels wrong and I don't want to go. I feel that it will cause damage to my relationship with my H. He says I can go but I know he is upset that he is not invited. He feels he has put effort in over recent years to his relationship with my brother and of course he knows he is not homophobic. I think my brother is labelling him as a homophobe. Because of the rude thid he said I can see why but I also know that H is not a homophobe it is just that he can be very unpleasant when he is exstrenmely drunk and will say the most outrageous things that he does not mean.
Also I feel very uncomfortable because people at the reception will be asking me where H is, why he is not there, and I will not be able to lie, I will have to say he has not been invited, I'm sure this will make both myself and my brother feel uncomfortable. And what are my children meant to say when they are asked where their father is?
I feel I can not go now. I feel I will be doing some (how much I don't know) damage to my relationship with H if I go when he has been NOT INVITED, we are a family amd my relationship with him is more important to me than that with my brother and I don't want to damage it in any way. My relationship with my brother is not as strong but I don't want to upsethim. Do I just tell him (He has booked us a hotel room and will be able to get refund) but he may be upset when I tell him I can't go because H is not invited - this worries me because my dad and his brother fell out and have not spoken for 40 years) or do I phone at the very last minute with a reason I can't go e.g. illness.
HELP

[ShatnersBassoon]

I'm not surprised your brother hasn't invited your husband. He's probably worried that there'll be a repeat performance once the booze starts flowing.

Go with the children and support your brother. If anyone asks about your husband, it might be easier to say he couldn't make it rather than explain about the drunken homophobia. You say you won't be able to lie about his absence, but you might lie about illness to save you going without him? Easier to lie about your husband not being there, I would imagine.

[Hullygully]

No excuse for dirty gays. In vino veritas. dh is an arse. Go with kids.

[Doha]

Be honest and upfront

Explain to your brother than in retrospect you feel you are unable to attend as your DH has not been invited.

You are a family and it is very hurtful of your DB to exclude your failt especially as it would seem that your DH has tried to make ammends.

[SheWillBeLoved]

Go and support your brother and his partner. You will be doing no damage to your relationship with your H if you go. I cannot see how you would think that you would be. Surely your H is a big enough boy to realize that he is not invited due to his own stupidity?

He called your brother and partner 'dirty gays' but is not homophobic? Come off it. What if he gets pissed at the wedding and spouts this crap again? I completely agree with him not being invited.

[Haliborange]

I don't think I would go without my DH either, but I also think I can understand your brother's point of view. It's a very important day for him - why have someone there who in the past has been much less than supportive of him? And, tbh "dirty gays" is definitely homophobic, and I don't believe people say things they really really don't mean.

You need to be straight with your brother since this is putting you in an awkward position. Perhaps if you explain it to him (gently!) he'll agree to invite your DH. It is entirely up to him though and if you don't go to the wedding you have to make it very clear that you are not going because you love your DH, not because you don't love and support your brother.

[PlumBumMum]

Agree maybe your brother is afraid of your dh getting really drunk again,

if your dh is fine with you going, go and lie that he couldn't make it, maybe leave the dcs with him so they can have a fun day with dad and you can enjoy the wedding

Did you ask your brother about it when the invitations came out?

[Hullygully]

Unfortunately we all have to live with the consequences of our actions. Your dh was unforgivably foul over a cigarette for which drunkeness is simply not an excuse. Do you really want to ally yourself with the wrongdoer?

[welshandproud]

I disagree, people can say things to cause the most hurt/pain when they're angry not necessarily being truthful and in my personal experience alcohol just makes it worse.

It sounds to me like your DH has tried to make ammends. You are now stuck in the middle of a very difficult situation. I would talk to your brother and try to explain how torn you feel and ask if there is any compromise that can be reached.But at the end of the day it is their special day. Would you regret not going in the future?If your DH supports you then i think you should attend. He is your brother.

[GeekOfTheWeek]

I would go without him.

Your dh is the one one the wrong here and its unsurprising he isn't invited.

I understand that the incident was years ago but his words were unacceptable and if he has a tendency to be a twat when drunk then its his own fault.

[speechagent]

Thanks for all your replies.
I'm still feeling quite uncertain. I know he was unspeakably rude. I want to do what is best for myself and my 3 children, forget about th erest of it what is best for them.

[Gretl]

Your DH said something that he really can't make amends for. He got to the core of who your DB is and he used it against him. And I agree, in vino veritas.

I'm not surprised at all that the man isn't welcome at his marriage.

It's up to you if you go or not, but personally, I am on your brother's side.

[Gretl]

'Unspeakably rude' doesn't cover it.
Would you call a racist 'rude'?

[going]

I think you should go.

Your brother does not want a repeat of what happened in front of his guests which is fair enough.

[lifeinagoldfishbowl]

Agree with Hully - dh was unforgivably foul over a cigarette!

I don't see why your db should accept his apology - would you allow a friend to speak to you like that(?) and as it is his special day he should feel he can invite whoever he likes without the fear of another disgusting outburst or homophobic comment - infront of other people who 1) will be disgusted for your brother 2) will be offended by the comments 3) cause a bigger row - leaving the day in an uproar and not actually celebrating your partner and his love for each other.


Why do you say your husband isn't homophobic - tbh it sounds like he is and that this vile outburst cements this! I would be absolutely disgusted with him in the same way as if he came out with a racist remark and the fact that it was against a member of your family and over something so small. You also say he is vile and like this when he is drunk - I would expect him to stop the drinking and go to anger management classes to be honest.

[PlumBumMum]

If you are still uncertain then why don't you go on your own, your children aren't really missing out as they don't really see their uncle, then you won't have the extra guilt of you all going off without him!

[DaisyDaresYOU]

I couldnt love someone that said that to my bro tbh.but he passed away so what would i know.I believe people tell the truth when drunk.Is he always angry?

[AMumInScotland]

I think you have the choice of potentially upsetting your husband (who is in the wrong and has been deliberately insulting, and who you know is likely to do similar things if/when he gets drunk at the wedding), or of upsetting your brother (who has done nothing wrong at all, and wants to have a nice wedding day with his partner and their family and friends)

Your choice - do you put placating your husband over celebrating with your brother?

(And IMHO people say things when they are drunk because they do believe them, but are smart enough when sober to not say them out loud.)

[lifeinagoldfishbowl]

I think the children would like to be involved in a family celebration like this and it shows that you believe/agree with gay relationships and the right to be who you are.

[madonnawhore]

You and the kids should go. But your husband sounds like a twat and a liability, can understand why your bro didn't want him there.

[QuintessentialShadows]

You and the kids should go.

"it is just that he can be very unpleasant when he is exstrenmely drunk and will say the most outrageous things that he does not mean."

Your brother does not want to have his wedding ruined by a repeat performance. He is worried that your husband will pop at the other wedding guests, which are most likely to be gay, male, and close friends with your dh.

I am surprised your husband does not have enough self insight to realize this.

What he has said is way beyond rude. He has gone straight to the core of your brothers very being, and made it into something dirty and obscene.

You just tell your children that their father could not make it. You make up an excuse. Your brother is very right to have left your husband out, so dont be tempted to create ill feeling by saying "your uncle did not invite your dad". Then you would be egging up further strife.

It would be wrong of you not to go, as it would tell your brother you are as big a homophobe as your dh, and you cannot even put aside your feelings on the matter for ONE day, to show your support.

[booyhoo]

your husband clearly has a problem with gay people, i wouldn't want him at my wedding. he is an arse and he is an even bigger arse if he makes it difficult for you to go to the wedding.

[taintedpaint]

'Rude' doesn't even begin to cover what your DH was. What a vile thing to say, and I'm not surprised he hasn't been able to make up for it.

You and the DCs should go to the wedding without your DH. If people ask why he's not there, just say he couldn't get the time off work, depending on the ages of your LOs, they could be told the same thing in case anyone asks them.

Why on earth would your brother and his OH want to invite someone who said something so heinous? There will (presumably) be an abundance of alcohol at the wedding and you yourself have admitted your DH is an asshole when drunk (yes, I realise you didn't use the word asshole, but that's what he is). Who in their right mind would invite someone likely to cause a horrific scene to the most special day of their lives?

And I'm with AMumInScotland on this as well. Alcohol has a nasty/interesting habit of revealing the true thoughts of someone too guarded/intelligent to show how bigoted they are when sober.

[booyhoo]

i also believe people show their true feelings when drunk.

the drunk mind speaks the sober heart.

[QuintessentialShadows]

Your brother does not want to have his wedding ruined by a repeat performance. He is worried that your husband will pop at the other wedding guests, which are most likely to be gay, male, and close friends with your dh.


I of course meant to say "and closer friends than with your dh"

[spikeycow]

Why would you not go to your brothers wedding? The fall out was your husbands fault 100%. And your bros partner has a say obviously, and he doesn't want to see your h by the look of it. Would you really not go . I don't believe in all that unconditional stand by your man crap, sorry.