Affair

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

Just found out that my wife has been having a relationship with the builder. While I have been working hard to pay for the building work she has been dropping the kids off at school then f**cking him in our bed. I cant describe how I feel it just feels like a physical pain like some one has stabbed me and I don't know what to do. I feel humiliated and who can I talk to .. I couldnt tell my friends not even my best friend as its so terrible and makes me look like an idiot.Any advise welcome as I moved out last night and really dont know where or what to do next.

[purplepeony]

Talk to your wife. Moving out is not the answer however mad and sad you are. She got something from the builder that you weren't offering and it's probably nothing to do with his willy.

Affairs are symptoms of something not right- maybe a lack of attention, loving or maybe you are a lazy bugger who doesn't help enough with the housework!

Go back home, get yourselves to Relate and start mending it.

[AllThreeWays]

I cannot believe you said that Purple Peony!
It is not the OP's fault that his wife is having an affair.
Yes there may be problems in the marriage but an affair shits all over the relationship and says a great deal about the wife's respect for her husband.
Hi Cuthbert,yes I can imagine the pain you are in, it must be awful, you need to take some time to think, take care of yourself and decide what you would like to do. It is hard to repair such a breach in trust, but it is possible and your wife must also be willing to repair the relationship.
There may be problems in the relationship that will need to be worked through but you are not to blame for the affair, and you should never accept those problems as her excuse to cheat on you.

[purplepeony]

sorry, but disagree A3W- you do get something from affairs that you aren't getting anywhere else- otherwise, why bother?
It may not be his fault in that he is being knowingly negligent, but she sure is getting something that he can't offer.

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

purplepeony thanks for the advise even though its a bit painful. She has always been a very sexual person. I dont know if the builder is there today .. wanted to go round a smash his head in earlier but calmed down. Dont know what to do for the best. The annoying thing is even though I'm a bloke I know that he is a good looking bloke and well over 6ft tall so how can I compete (also glad I didnt go round to flatten him as I think he would have flattened me!). Tried calling my wife several times earlier and she is not answering.

[AllThreeWays]

Using that logic, all guys can fuck their hot young secretaries because their wives are older, tired from having the kids and no longer have a 20 yr old butt.

[CommonSenseSuze]

You insensitive fool, purplepeony!

cuthbert from my experience (not in my own relationships, but from friends), your wife will soon see what she's missing now you're not around all of the time.

I would keep my distance for the timebeing.

I would also speak to your closest friend as he or she will understand the situation better than we can. It's no shame on you - the shame is all on her.

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

You arent helping me Purplepeony your last comment is making me feel awful. I need some proper advise like allthreeways .. I have taken the day off work as I can't think straight at all. Should I go around to the house when she has taken the kids to school? will the bloody buidler be there! she wont answer the phone

[loopyloops]

If this were a woman posting the advice would be so different from PP's.

You need time away to work out if you want to spend the time and energy needed to mend things. She might not even be willing. Do you have children? Do you have somewhere to stay?
Again, if this advice were for the woman, we would be saying "don't move out, he should be doing that".... If she's looking after the kids then really she should stay there, but remember, despite PP's post, you were wronged and your wife should be the one to jump through hoops.

Forget about the man, it isn't about him. He was just someone convenient who happened to be there at the time. Do you want your wife? Can you forgive her? Don't contact her for a wee while and try and figure out what you want.

Good luck. :)

[BaggyAgy]

Hi Cuthbert, I am so sorry your wife has done this to you. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and you are no way to blame. She is the dishonest deceiver taking advantage of you, disrespecting you and making you her victim. In time she might laugh at you, either secretly or during arguments, for being a cuckhold. Has she got form for this sort of behaviour? If there were problems in your marriage, (and no marriage is perfect) she could have talked to you about them. Choosing adultery is never the answer. As a victim of adultery myself, I know that the trust is not regained, and the pain, oh the pain, goes on and on and on. You may feel that your life was a charade. You trusted her, she deceived you. That was the deal. You may feel you never knew her, never understood your marriage. You may feel that you are so easily fooled that you must be stupid to have been so gullible. However, you have now taken control by moving out. She is no longer calling the shots, you are. If you had no children, the next step would be obvious. I feel so sorry for your children, how old are they, how long have you and your wife been together? Keep posting, it really helps. Mind you, "Man bashing" is frequent on Mumsnet. I hope everyone remembers that you are the victim here, you are in huge pain, and you are asking for some help. If you were a wife who had been cheated on, you would get sympathy in buckets.

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

thank you commonsense .. I just want to see her and know she is alone. I have called the builder but he is not answering. I don't think I can step back as I need to know whats happening right now.

[LoveBeing]

Do not go round and see the builder. Go and talk to youe wife. Have a proper think why you think she may ahve done this. Although not said in the best way purplepeony is right in that I dont know anyone who was perectly happy but still had an affair. But that doesnt mean it is your fault. Has your wife tried to let you know that something isnt right? You mentioned sex, has she been complaining that she wants more/different? Sometimes you cant see the wood for the trees, some space may help you realise what was wrong (for her) and how you can both work to fix it, if that is waht you want.

[AllThreeWays]

Please be wary of advice that suggests that you need to change things to fix this situation. That excuses your wife as it justifies her action.
You should only try to repair the relationship if you both realise it is worth saving and that should only come after you have made the decision to forgive what she has done.

Oh and no don't go near the builder

[BaggyAgy]

HI again, I have just read the cross posts. So the builder is a handsome man with whom you could never compete. Does this mean your wife is potentially adulterous with everyone who is better looking than you? Heavens, you could spend your whole life wondering if she has seen a good looking man to cheat with.

Personally I would stay away from her for a while. Don't go begging for attention. Sort out your finances incase she wants a divorce. You would need somewhere reasonable to live, in order to have your children to stay with you. If all your financial documents are at your home, collect them whilst she is out. She will be advised to get copies of all financial documents, don't be disadvantaged. Sorry to be so practical. Be kind to yourself. Can you talk to your family? You really do need a shoulder to cry on. So sorry for your predicament.

[catwalker]

Honestly purplepeony - when a woman posts a 'my husband is having an affair' thread everyone says that it doesn't mean there was something wrong with their marriage it was an issue with the adulterer themselves. Why should it be any different because the op is a man?

I think in the vast majority of cases a new relationship equates to excitement, just because it is new, and not necessarily something better.

cuthbert - you don't need to describe the pain to me. I know exactly what it feels like. Please, please don't feel like an 'idiot'. I know it's easy to feel humiliated, ashamed etc, but please remember that you are not the person who should be feeling these things. You have done nothing wrong.

I think if I was you, the first thing I would do would be to contact the builder and tell him (calmly if you can manage it) that you no longer want him on your property. Say you will pay him for the work he has done to date (perhaps minus a percentage for the time he has been in your property but clearly not working)and no more.

You are in a nightmare I know. But the only thing you can do next I guess is to start talking things through with your wife.

[BaggyAgy]

I think his wife has paid the builder "in kind"

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

BAGGAGY please dont make comments like that and I'm not paying him at all. I kept saying to my wife that I thought he was a slow worker .. sounds bizarre now. The thought of technically paying him to shag my wife is unbelievable. I will text him to tell him I want him never to come to my property again and I will drive around later to make sure his van isnt there. The builder is married.

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

I'm tempted to tell his wife

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

thank you catwalker

[BaggyAgy]

Cuthbert, don't waste too much anger on the builder, save it for the person who cheated ON YOU, your wife. And please don't pay him. He really would laugh at you. Are you going to pay him for servicing your Wife. That makes him a gigolo. He hasn't been fair to you, why should you now be fair to him?

[loopyloops]

Not helpful Baggy.

Don't pay him. Don't ring him. Don't ring or visit your wife. Find somewhere to stay and take some time to allow yourself to be upset. Then think about the next step.

Everyone, please give him a break. :(

[BaggyAgy]

Sorry cross posted, and sorry didn't mean to upset you.

[cuthbertdibblegrubb]

staying in a hotel .. tried my wife and cant get through on the phone or the builder. Going round there decided.