WWYD. My friend's negativity has driven me away.

[sofasurfer]

OK, deep breath.

I have a friend who has been a very close friend for about 10 years. She was always very vocally anti-children but when I got pregnant the first time, 3 weeks later she announced she was too. I was really pleased. I loved being pregnant and couldn't wait for my baby, she was very negative about the whole thing, going as far as saying if she could turn back the clock, she wouldn't have done it.

Fast forward 2 and a half years. Her DS and my DD are very different characters and we have a totally different attitude to parenting and life in general. This has caused some strain between us and we are not as close as we were. I think we've both realised we've grown apart and haven't actually got that much in common. tbh, I don't actually like her that much any more.

I have been quite open for a while that I was going to ttc #2. She said I was mad, she has no intention having another and has been very vocal on the subject.

Anyway, roll on another couple of months and I tell her I'm pregnant (and am very happy about it). Again, get told I'm mad, not much in the way of congratulations and she said her period was a day late the previous month and she was "horrified" by the thought she might be pregnant.

2 weeks later, she tells me that she too is now pregnant, a week behind me. And she had deliberately had unprotected sex mid cycle (ie the day I told her I was pg!) knowing that she might get pregnant. She said she doesn't feel anything for the baby, isn't going to tell anyone (even her parents, one of whom is terminally ill) until she's 12 weeks and will "just have to make the best of it".

Worst of all, she has said all this to another mutual very close friend. This friend has been ttc for 8 years and is dreadfully hurt by her comments.

I am aghast at her attitude and our relationship has completely fallen apart over the last few weeks because I don't think I can talk to her without being really judgy. I also want to enjoy my pregnancy and don't want her to ruin it with her negativity.

Left to me I'd just step away and leave her to it, but we move in the same social circle and have many friends in common and go to the same social events. Our dc's are also very friendly, and, to put a cherry on top, we work together.

I don't know what to do. The "not talking to each other" situation we seem to be in now is silly and immature. I would like to suggest going for a coffee to patch things up, but as I say, I really don't know what to say and don't think I actually like her very much any more. I have been avoiding situations where she'll be there, but I miss seeing my other friends.

I've now told work I am pg (am 14 weeks) and lots of them have said, "Oh, X will be trying again now too then". A couple of people have said this to her and she's said "Not f**ing likely" even though she ALREADY 12 WEEKS PREGNANT!! When people find out, everyone will expect me to be pleased and excited for her and tbh I'm not.

WWYD?

[fanofpeamum]

I'm a bit speechless really. Sorry, that's not very helpful, is it? What a horrible situation though.

Is there anything in favour of patching the relationship up? (Apart from avoiding awkwardness.)

[perfumedlife]

Honestly? Dump her from a great height.

She is a scary lady who is going as far as conceiving to best you. She has major issues, and sadly, so will her poor children in the future if she continues to be so 'vocal'

I never understand this tendancy for hanging on to friends because of longevity. Just because you know someone for a long time or a lot of people in common, doesn't mean you need to stay friends.

She is not a friend, not in any real sense. I would forget the coffee and the patch up and enjoy your pregnancy. At work, I would be polite but distant.

Life's hard enough without this kind of 'friendship'.

[buttonmoon78]

Not a nice situation.

I would go for a coffee, try to patch things up to a reasonable level and then let it slide. Ending a friendship on a bad not is a really uncomfortable thing to do. Letting it slide is entirely different, even if you're doing it deliberately IYSWIM?

That way you can continue to see your real friends and can see her without wanting to spit (!).

I wouldn't even mention the other friend who is ttc. If she's as anti as she sounds then she'll just get arsey about it and you won't be able to achieve this indifference. Just make sure you can be the best friend you can to the one who's ttc.

We've all known people like this - toxic friends - but they're not easy to deal with, are they?!

Oh, and very many congrats on your pg. You're not mad and you'll enjoy it loads. I did - got 3 and considering 4th!

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

Walk away.

[AnyFucker]

oh, dump away

you don't need toxicity like that in your life

[SmellsLikeTeenSweat]

It's going to look a bit odd when she's said 'Not F---ing likely' and then they find out she is pg, isn't it?

She sounds a bit weird confused. I would say that the friendship has run its course, and would now avoid her if oss, but at least not seek her out.

[SmellsLikeTeenSweat]

if poss

[sofasurfer]

Gosh, thanks everyone for ploughing through my essay and repsonding.

TeenSweat - I know, that's exactly what I thought!

I think the remain cool approach is the way to go, but people are going to notice. We used to be very close. I don't know what to say to them if they ask what's going on.

Am going to have to steel myself to carry on meeting my friends, even if she's there.

[perfumedlife]

sofasurfer, she should be the one feeling uncomfortable, not you. When people find out she is pregnant too, they will guess what she is up to.

What happened for you to fall out? Did you actually have words or did you just start avoiding her?

[buttonmoon78]

Smile sweetly and say that you have less in common now and change the subject. People can be so nosy!

[warthog]

def carry on meeting your friends.

if people ask say 'oh we just drifted apart.' and don't get into it. people will realize if they know her. don't succumb to bitching about her (not that you would).

[montoyadiary]

Toxic friends - what an apt description. A friend is someone who's company you enjoy, not someone who makes you feel as anxious and unhappy as you sound. Can you enlist the help of your mutual friends to make it clear to this woman how awful she's being and how unhappy it's making you?

In the meantime I would just switch off from her - be polite but don't engage with her, you need to have some space away from her to relax and enjoy your pregnancy. Busy yourself with other friends and try not to dwell on her.

[montoyadiary]

Hhm, overlapping posts, i guess talking to the mutual friends could seem like you were bitching, depends how close you all are.

[sofasurfer]

"What happened for you to fall out? Did you actually have words or did you just start avoiding her?"

When she told me she was pregnant we talked about it, it was all going OK (although I was quite shocked and said so) and then the more the conversation went on, the more dismayed I got and after that I did actively avoid her for a few days because I thought if I spoke to her, I would say things I'd regret. I still feel a bit like that.

I am concerned about coming across as bitching about her. I don't want to, because I wish her no ill, I just don't relate to her any more. I simply can't understand what's going on in her head. I have explained to the aformentioned mutual friend and she understands and doesn't think I'm being unreasonable. She is fairly gobsmacked by X's attitiude too.

[sofasurfer]

I couldn't have spooken to any other friends sooner even if I'd wanted to, because she didn't tell them she's pg until a few days ago.

[perfumedlife]

Don't fret about the bitching perception. She is behaving appalingly and no one could blame you for being unsettled by her comments.

I have recently shed a 'friend' who I realised was using me, giving me endless stress and just generally sucking the life blood from me. Most people who asked about the fall out said they weren't surprised, and wondered what took me so long to wake up to her.

Truth is, I knew all along what she was capable of but felt I could deal with it. Ends up too much aggro though, and life really is hard enough.

Polite but distant will carry you through. If the wider group ask you, you should be free to tell them what happened. Real friends will understand. And so what if it does get back to her, that will only settle the matter further.

[Elmtree1Ems]

Wow she actually got preggers TWICE cause you did? Is she crazily jealous of you or somthing? Sounds like she is, her behaviour is really odd.

On the one hand she implies she'd rather eat glass than have another baby and on the other she deliberatley has iunprotected ex hot off the heels of hearing you are pregnant?

If I had someone that freakily jealous of me in my life I would getting shot of them asap. I had a 'friend' who had moved countries to pursue a romantic relationship and left her son behind. She now has no access to him and told me in a drunken moment she found it hard to be around me cause she was so jealous 'I still had my son' (like she hadnt made the choice to leave hers. And believe me she chose it, she wasnt forced). I dumped her as a mate straightaway. You dont need a toxic jealous friend dumping on you for THEIR bad decisions.

[sofasurfer]

"Wow she actually got preggers TWICE cause you did?"

I know what you mena, but I'm not saying that. I have no idea if that's the case. It is a bit of a coincidence though. I did suggest to her that other people might think that (which was probably a little thoughtless of me), but she said that was ridculous, you couldn't time it like that if you tried. Which is kind of true.

Also, even if that were the case, if she was excited and pleased, it might have been nice to share the experience and might have brought us closer again.

[sofasurfer]

mena = mean

[montoyadiary]

Spend time with people you like and whose values you share - life's too short to spend with people who make you feel sad or unhappy. Her behaviour is her problem - you can't fix it or resolve her issues (sounds like there are plenty of them!)

I used to feel so churned up by a 'friend' for days after seeing her, i made a concious decision to withdraw and don't regret it at all. It got to the point i felt i needed to protect myself from her joylessness