I think i want to ask him to leave

[allluckedout]

sorry to charge right in as a new poster and ask for advice, but i don't know who else to ask.
I have been married for 12 years and have 3 lovely children aged 13, 8 and 5. We met when i was 17 and he was 26 and have never really been apart.
Just lately though (probably for about the last three years thinking about it) i would say that we didn't actually like each other.
We seem to have nothing in common anymore. He is boring and never wants to do anything. He seems happy that he doesn't go out and doesn't have a circle of friends. Now i know for a lot of people this wouldn;t be an issue as you'd just leave him to it, but he doesn't like me going out either.
To the point that he says he won't stop me going out but then makes it difficult, such as saying the youngest needs to be bathed and in bed, dinner made and tidied away. If i still can be bothered to go out after all of this then he'll text asking what time i'm back, and I know he'll be up waiting for me. which means that i can't have fun as if i get too drunk or come in too late it will end in a row.
He also gets very cross with our eldest all the time and shouts and is basically very nasty to him, I then spoil the eldest to try and make up for his dad being so horrible.
Another thing that really really bugs me is his lack of ambition or drive. He works in a job that he could do so much better in and do overtime etc, but would rather come home at 3p.m and watch tv and do nothing.
We have barely enough money to pay the bills, i work 25 hours a week and earn almost as much as he does. He hates me working but at the same time won;t do anything to help out so that I can work less hours or not work at all. I like working as it gives me a small amount of independance, and I can be home to collect the children from school.
We have no money for anything extra and are always having to resort to borrowing from my dad, whihc at 34 and 42 respectively is not acceptable.
I'm pretty certain that I would be happier wihtout him, as with him there I feel i can never have friends round, the children rarely have freinds over. e.g tonight dd has a friend coming over after school and he's text me 4 times today asking why we have to have friend over and could we not cancel.
Am i being selfish and should make changes to to make the relationship work, or am I right in thinking we are way past that?
Thank you for any advice/thoughts.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Well he sounds like an absolute dead weight on your life and a very inadequate man (can;t manage money, can't make friends, unable or unwilling to put any effort into his career). He started going out with you when you were 16 and he is 10 years older than you? THis does rather suggest a loser who needs to feel superior to his partner and wants to be the boss at home, and what you have posted about his bullying, controlling behaviour backs that up. He chose you when you were very young and appointed himself your boss and owner; now you are an adult and you can see him for what he is - inadequate, selfish and a bully.
I would suggest you start doing research into what money you would be entitled to if you separate - he will have to pay maintenance for the DC and you will get tax credits and help with childcare. Whose name is your home in? As you are married, you will have rights in the family home even if your name is not on the mortgage BTW/
Get all the information you need ready and then have a think about whether you want to give your H a chance to change his behavour, or whether you just want to be rid of him - if you ask him to change and he says that he will, keep an eye on the situation.

[allluckedout]

in his defence when we met I did tell him I was 20 (could easily have passed for 20 at 17 and often did to get into clubs and bars etc) and he did look younger and act younger!
We live in a rented house which is in my name as he never got involved in the process of finding a house when our previous landlord gave us notice due to selling the house.
If we seperate I know he will go back home, which for him is up North, we live in the South East where I am from. This would mean he would rarely if ever see the children, would be giving up his income so unable to pay any support for the dc.
I think i can safely say that I am confused and maybe even depressed thinking about it all.

[msboogie]

have you tried talking to him?

[allluckedout]

He always starts a row and says that I just want to be like my benefit scrounger friends! (for the record i only have one single parent friend who works full time and only claims tax credits, the rest of my friends are married with working husbands/partners or single and no children yet.
He won't listen to reason at all and will not discuss anything with me. I understand him being defensive to a degree as he will see it as a personal attack, and me belittling him by questioning his ability to provide for his family.
I know that he had a difficult childhood and was brought up by his grandparents for most of his teenage years, and so perhaps his aprenting role models have not been as strong as mine, but this combined with his lack of wanting to do something with his life, drives me mad.
I do worry that we are just too different to make this work. We come from very different backgrounds and maybe we should have quit before the three children came along.
I love my children and would do anything to protect them from all of this but I see that things will deteriate and I don't want ds1 to hate his father, the same way that h hates his own father.

[AnyFucker]

I think you sound very sensible, and you should do what your gut feeling tells you

Not once have you said you don't want to split because you love him desperately

you met very young

perhaps you have grown up and he hasn't ?

(many men don't...and won't)

[ronshar]

Welcome to mumsnet if this is your first post

It does sound as if you have made up your mind and you would like to be supported threough what is going to be a very hard time.
I dont know if you have lurked around the relationship htreads but do have a look back. Lots of women have been on here looking for help and it has been given in buckets.

Dont stay together for your children they will resent you for it. Give your DH the chance to be a father to them. If he chooses not to then that is not your responsibility.

Be strong. Work out your finances including howmuch help you will get with tax credits etc. If you can survive without him ask him to leave.

You and the children will be better off without him by the sounds of it.
Good luck.

[SolidGoldBrass]

So he;s sufficiently lazy and selfish that, unless you continue to obey him he will fuck off, abandon his children and deliberately put himself out of work so as not to have to pay for them? What a knob. Keeping this man in the house will destroy your self respect: you can manage perfectly well without him. And even if his uselessness is down to his having had a crap childhood, this is nt your fault, nor is it your job to 'fix'; him. You and the children matter too, there is more to life than tiptoeing round some man's ego.

[allluckedout]

thank you for your replies.
I think i knew that this would be the opinion and advice that I would get. Now i just need to be brave. I will do some invesigations first to find out if I can afford to live by myself with the children.
Its so difficult, I've always been very self reliant and asking my dad for money to bail us out never came easy, even though my dad would never begrudge me anything. So to now think that I may have to ask for benefits to help me pay my rent is actually quite a scary thought. Although I know I'm not unique in that matter and doubt most people on benefits actually want to claim them.
Thank you again.

[allluckedout]

Oh and to add, he wouldn't change. He has said he would in the past but never does. As far as he is concerned I'm the one with the problems. I have recently come off anti depressants for PND but actually can think and see things a lot clearer now than I could in the Citalopram fug that surrounded me previously.

[Tippychoocks]

He doesn't sound nice tbh. Tellingly it sounds like there's not a single thing about him that you wouldn't like to change. When I felt like that, it was well past time to call it a day.

I found it hard to claim benefits at first. Then I found work and somewhere to live and studied on top of that to become a teacher (that was the plan anyway). As my housing officer at the time said - that's the point of benefits. It's a help when you need it, not a lifestyle choice. I contributed to the pot before and have since but at that point in my no doubt long working life, I needed something back. Don't feel guilty about that.

[AnyFucker]

what tippy said

good luck xx

[SolidGoldBrass]

You will be able to manage. Your DC are all school age, for one thing, which will make it easier to study or train for a job, or to get a part time one (there are various flexible-hours things around, such as market research, selling Avon/Usborne/Bettaware). And I bet when you work out your budget you will find that a lot of the household money has disappeared due to this man spending freely on crap for himself or just being a dick and forgetting to pay bills so the extra charges mount up.
ANd no, he won't change. Because in his opinion you are a 'woman' therefore dependent on him and frightened of displeasing him, so all he needs to do is pat you on the head and say 'I love you' now and again and you will carry on obeying and servicing him.

[cestlavielife]

and nhe is nasty and horrible to your child.
use that as incentive - if you need any - to make a plan to send him back up north ... his decision if he does that and abandons the DC. sounds like the oldest wont miss him anyway...

[allluckedout]

I do work already so thats one thing in my favour. I am going to see the CAB about asking him to leave as he said no way yesterday. The tenancy is in my name only so he has no right there but I don't want things to turn nasty

[AnyFucker]

if the tenancy is in your name, you can turf him out and get the locks changed if nec

if he turns nasty, call the police

[SolidGoldBrass]

AF is right, you can just throw him out and if necessary you can call the police to come and physically remove him. You can get an injunction against him if you have to (prohibiting him from breaking back in or standing on the doorstep yowling)- this will not stop him seeing the DC, it just means that his contact with them has to take place somewhere other than your home.

If it does turn nasty, protect yourself - call 999 if you have to, but remember, it;'s not your fault if it does.

[allluckedout]

I know i should take the plunge, but I can't do it. Sat here now he's watching football and I'm trying to pluck up the courage to ask him to leave again and let him know I am serious.

[AnyFucker]

perhaps you need to do it with someone else there for moral support and to moderate his reaction

your parents ? sibling ? close friend ?

[Mouseface]

all

I really wish that you had someone there to help you through this. I think your relationship has gone well past the point of no return.

He has his own little life and his own routine and he needs you to fit into that.

It's so hard to take that first step but what do you have left with him? What does he give you? How does he make you feel? Really?

You sound suffocated to me. Trapped. This is no life for you or for the children. If he won't/can't change then you need to change his life for him by getting rid.

Re money, tax credits will help, you can get help with your council tax, talk to utility companies and explain your change in circumstances and they will try and get you the best tarrif etc, they awnt to keep your business, not lose it.

There is lots of help out there and I know it's hard to ask for it but you need this man out of your life. And you need support whilst you do it.

And soon. Good luck.

[SolidGoldBrass]

If there is no one nearby who could give you backup, given that this man has been verbally abusive to you and the DC you could call Women's Aid and they will give you moral support and might even be able to send someone round to sit with you while you tell him to pack his bags. If you are afraid he might get physically abusive either to you or start smashing things up, you can talk to the local police domestic violence unit who again might be able to send someone round to support you and, if necessary, physically remove the man from the house.

[ronshar]

Wait till he goes to work. Pack his bags and change the locks.
All legal and within your rights as the tenancy holder.

As an action to take against the father of your children a bit different.
Can you ask your parents to have the children this weekend and then sort it all out. If he gets nasty then so be it but it wont be anywhere near your children. They do not need to be involved in anything so traumatic.

Stay strong and good luck. You need him out of your life.

[allluckedout]

Well we had a chat last night by chat I mean me talking and him sulking! He doesn't beleive that I mean it.
I will wait until the weekend and speak to him again, as I want him to realise that even though I no longer love him I do still care for him as the father of my children and I do not want him to leave and never see them again as that would not be fair on him or them.
The two youngest will be devastated, I think ds1 will be relieved but upset at the same time.
I will get there, it might not be this week or this month, but I have set the ball rolling now and will carry on finding out my otpions and money situation. I rang tax credits and if I worked ore hours I would be no better off as the credits won't cover all the childcare and the extra money I earnt after tax would be needed to pay for the shortfall in childcare costs, as our school does not have a before or after school club.
Thank you again everyone.

[moraldisorder]

He is not a nice man.

A partner is someone who compliments your life and I cant see that this person does that in any way.

This guy restricts your freedom and that of your children. Doesnt want you to work (er, why the hell not?) spoils your chances of having a decnet standard of living and causes you embarrasment with your family.

Get down to the citizens advice, they know about everything where as tax credits only seem to know about tax credits.

I think there should be a grant for women who are trying to escape pricks like this.

[AnyFucker]

do not allow this man to remain your partner

it is totally out of order to threaten you (whether implied or overt) about disappearing out of your children's life forever

that is emotional blackmail of the highest order

if he were to do that, it would be entirely his own choice

stand firm...what he does is up to him

[moraldisorder]

Am I out of line to ask if his attitude follows him to the ahem.. bedroom?

That may sound very rude of me but the pattern that is emerging in his behaviour is that of a sex bully too.... Its often something that is looked over sadly because so many women accept it.