Depressed dh has asked for dd to go and stay with him, I don't feel it's a good idea- what should I do?

[cupofteaplease]

Dh has been under an incredible amount of stress at work for the last year and our relationship has suffered badly as a consequence, as has his mental health. On Thursday he had a major breakdown at work and was sent to the doctor, he was referred to the mental health team who saw him on Friday and prompty put him on medication and signed him off work. Yesterday I got back from a children's birthday party to find a note saying he had gone to stay with his parents to get his head together.

I think this is a good idea, but I have had to explain to the children that he has gone away for a while, and he hasn't made contact with them since. I'm trying to keep smiley and normal for them, but I was very upset when he told me on the phone that as he drove away, the only person he was sad about leaving was dd2 Basically dd1 is not his biological dd, but he has been her dad since she was 9 months old.

Dh has just rung, and he has asked for dd2 (3) to go and stay with him at his parents He said she calms him down and makes him smile, and she is the only thing that makes him happy. He said dd1 (5) is too loud and demanding.

I feel my heart is breaking for dd1 who loves him so much. I'm also scared to allow dd2 to go to him, even though he's said his mother will come and collect her. I feel that she needs stability and needs to be with me and her sister, not her dad who, even though he loves her to infinity, is in a depressive and negative state of mind. I guess deep down I am scared for her safety as he tld me on Friday that he has had visions when driving of steering into a tree I'm so scared and sad for him right now, and feel awful, but I don't think dd2 should go to him.

WWYD? Please help.

[compo]

Well if his mum will pick her up and look after her I think that would be ok
but tbh I think he should come home
similar thing happened to mybil
he wanted to move in with his sister but the mentalhealth team said that was running away and my poor sister wasn't sure he'd come back
with the right meds he has improved a lot
I hope things get better soon

[EndangeredSpecies]

A big fat no, is what I'd say. Your DD is not some kind of puppy or toy that can be used to cheer him up. He sounds totally self-absorbed at the moment and telling you about the steering into a tree thing is just proof that he needs to get his head together.

[minibmw2010]

I'm sorry, but regardless of the fact he's her father, he told you he has thoughts/visions of driving into a tree ... he cannot be allowed to be on his own with your/his DD right now .. (just my opinion).

[SolidGoldBrass]

DOn't let her go. She is THREE YEARS OLD not an adult trained in mental health care. However much she loves her daddy, she is not remotely equipped to be his caretaker.
It's not your H's fault he is ill, but his illness and needs do not and cannot take priority over DD's wellbeing.

[SirBoobAlot]

I would say no. He needs to gather himself either where he is, alone, or come home to his family. Also totally understand your concerns, though I will say that whilst I have been very very low at times, DS has never been at risk with me, and I have never thought of hurting / ignoring / doing anything else towards him that would affect him badly.

I hope things improve very soon. This must be so very hard for you.x

[cupofteaplease]

Thanks so much for your replies so far. I said I needed time to think, so he is waiting for me to call him back- I feel sick at saying no again, he is like some wounded animal at the moment...

If I knew his mum would be there all the time, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But he is adamant he wants time alone with her, taking her for walks and reading to her. It sounds ideal, but what about dd1? What will she think when she gets home from school tomorrow to find her sister gone, having got home from a party on Saturday to find her Daddy gone? It's not very stable for her.

I want him home so we can work through this together. He has threatened mentioned that if dd2 doesn't go to him, it will be harder for him to gather his thoughts and he will be gone even longer. I'm so confused.

[Daydreaming]

No - for all the reasons listed by everyone else.
Also, it could be very unsettling for your other DD - first him leaving, then her sister... The whole thing is all wrong.

By the way, by DD is four and VERY loud and demanding but she is perfect the way she is and I feel very angry that your husband said that about your DD. He sounds extremely self absorbed.

[SirBoobAlot]

He's using emotional blackmail. Have you contacted the mental health team?

[Daydreaming]

Crossed posts cupoftea - yes, it would be very unsettling for your DD1.

To be honest, his behaviour sounds very odd.

[cupofteaplease]

Daydreaming- he is very self absorbed at the moment, it is very hard to communicate effectively with him right now.

SirBoobAlot- how would I contact the mental health team? I only know he was referred through his doctor? Could they help in some way?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, he might be ill but that does NOT mean he is entitled to get his own way at your and your DD's expense. Tell both DDs that Daddy is ill and will be home when he's better, that he loves them etc but it's thoroughly unfair to expose small children to someone who is mentally ill and behaving erractically - it would be very frightening for your DD as he clearly won't be able to shut up in front of her.

[SirBoobAlot]

Cupoftea, do you know who he saw or what they said? Personally I would call the unit / hospital and say you are Xs spouse, that he had a consultation on Friday, but you are now very concerned by his behaviour.

[2rebecca]

If it's a short trip and his mum is picking up and collecting his daughter and will stay with her for the visit duration then I'd OK a short visit to her dad.
He isn't your first daughter's dad, however much you might like him to be. I agree she shouldn't be "therapy" but a short visit may be good for both of them.

If you stay separated it's only his daughter he'd have parental responsibility for.
Does DD1 have contact with her dad?

To be honest even if they were both his kids 1 preschool age child at a time is enough for someone with severe stress.

[cupofteaplease]

'He isn't your first daughter's dad, however much you might like him to be.' I am aware of this, but it doesn't negate her feelings towards him. She loves him very, very much. She does have contact with her biolgical dad and his family.

I have replied to him and said dd2 will not be going there, but reiterated that he is more than welcome to come and spend time with her here at home and I will not be involved.

[lucky1979]

If your relationship is under serious strain, is there any chance that he has some kind of plan to run off with DD2? I don't want to be alarmist, but if however depressed he might be it is it just sounds a really strange request. If she "moves in" with him with your blessing, however temporarily you might intend it to be, you may struggle to convince a court to change the status quo.

Not to mention all the other reasons mentioned above.

Hope he didn't take it too badly and you and the DDs are feeling OK.

[SirBoobAlot]

How are things, OP?

[Daydreaming]

I have to confess I was thinking the same as lucky. I hope you stood your ground OP.

I know from personal experience how hard it is to say "no" sometimes when you don't want to appear unreasonable, but what you have to remember is that often the things that other people want/ask for are completely unreasonable.