Twatting husband using paternity leave to have a nice little holiday.

[OnEdge]

Just had a row so won't be too articulate sorry.

Just had 3rd baby, and planned with husband to use the two weeks paternity leave to bond with her and establish feeding, I have struggled in the past. We have banned visitors for two weeks to make the most of this time.

The first few days he was fantastic, bringing up steralised bottles ( I am expressing and feeding my milk from a bottle), doing the washing, washing up - everything, even blitzed the kids play room.

Gradually he has been doing less and less. I am up in the night with new born, and also one year old sometimes needs settling too.

Today I have got up with the kids and made them pancakes and allowed him a lie in. I cooked a beef casserole in slow cooker. I have painted a wardrobe (his job for nursery, we got caught out cos baby was early) I have tidied and hoovered lounge and done a load of ironing and putting away - and expressed and fed baby etc. He hasn't dressed the kids today, been in their nightie and pj's all day. He is cutting corners. He did look after the baby while I had a kip, but was feeding her milk I had expressed, and I was up in the night.

We just had a row and he called me a cunt and said I was the laziest person out.

I am so gutted. I take pride in being a mum and put a lot of effort in. Obviously not appreciated, i am gutted that he thinks I am lazy. Was the worse thing he could have accused me of.

He thinks doing the washing is putting it in the machine and then into the dryer. I am always the one ironing it (cos he leaves it all crumpled in baskets) and putting it all away.

He was meant to take the kids to their activities this past 2 weeks, such as music tots, pre school etc. He hasn't taken them once, I knew he wouldn't, always wangles his way out of it.

Don't know what to do now. Not speaking, he just attempted to and I told him to fuck off.

How are we supposed to be appreciated?

Men don't seem to have an idea of the effort involved in in running this show.

[traceybath]

So uncalled for to call you that

Immediately after having a baby has always been a lowpoint in mine and DH's relationship although to be fair he was never really able to take any paternity leave so we were both tired/stressed etc.

May I ask why you're totally expressing as I know thats really hard work?

He really needs to apologise though.

[EssieW]

I know how you feel. DH used 1st paternity leave to get round people to quote for loft extension and the 2nd one to organise moving house. I got my mother in to help as he was useless at the baby things. He was good at helping look after DS second time round though.

My top tip: retire to bed. Don't get out. You are allowed as you have just given birth. I had very firm midwives who would not let me get up and do too much.

[EssieW]

And congratulations!

[Northernlurker]

Ok well you may not like what I'm going to say but tbh I think you are both behaving unhelpfully.
Sounds to me like dh did stuff for the first few days and maybe thought he was winning plaudits but when you took it for granted (as you do it every day after all) he started feeling demotivated and so has done less. That's a bit crap of him but we are all v praise motivated.
I think you are exhausted - expressing is hard work. I also think you all have cabin fever from staring at one another over the baby. Banning visitors sounds like a great idea BUT it leaves you without the praise, affirmation and diversion visitors bring with them.
He absolutely shouldn't have called you a cunt -or lazy. That is totally unnecessary and unpleasant - but I think he feels pretty lost here. It sounds like you have everything v sorted and take a pride in 'running the show' and I'm not sre he knows where he fits in - sounds like you hold him in contempt a lot of the time. You both need to start again and both show each other some appreciation. HAving a new baby is a very , very tough time - for him as well as you.

[Tippychoocks]

What an utter shit. Regardless of who is doing what, it cannot be acceptable for him to call you names in that way.

I do think though that perhaps your standards are too high and so you are stressed because you are having to do too much. Ironing is not compulsory in the fortnight after having a baby . But if you cannot compromise standards, can you get any other help in? At the least, use this moral high ground to make it very clear to your DH what needs to be done.

[resistanceisfutile]

agree with northernlurker

but can i ask - why on earth are you painting a wardrobe when you've just had a baby?

you need to priortise, just do the whats necassery to survive and leave the rest

[Portofino]

"We just had a row and he called me a cunt and said I was the laziest person out"

And you have just had a baby with this utter shit! Absolutely no way could I have a relationship with anyone who spoke to me in such terms! He needs it absolutlely pointed out to him that his behaviour is unacceptable, and what jobs he needs to be doing.

[compo]

Agree you're doing too much
retire to bed and let him sort the oldest ones out
don't be ironing and paintingwardrobes
it's fine him not going to tumble tots etc, as long as he gives them a good run around in the park instead
get mum, mil round to iron
relax and enjoy the newborn stage

[OnEdge]

He has just said "Sorry we argued" which is his standard line. I m glad he is trying but "sorry I called you a cunt" would have been better.

I really did thank and praise him initially, and show my appreciation.

Last week was almost idylic, but it has fallen appart today.

Traceybath i am expressing because I have struggled to breast feed the last two, and become stressed out and upset. I just can't get them to latch on and feed and I am in such pain, I dread them waking up. Eventually, I gave in and topped up with formula and my milk dried up. this time I have hired a really efficient pump, and am managing to express about the same amount that she requires. Much more in control. She feeds very well, hardly ant wind/colic and she then sleeps really soundly. Last time, my son was plagued ith colic and didn't ever seem to have a good feed, if I stopped to wind him half way through, he wouldn't then want to finish his feed.

I have calmed down now. Husband said he doesn't beleive I am really lazy, he said it as a reaction to me calling him lazy. As for being called a cunt, how do I sort that one out. He hardly ever swears or raises his voice usually, this is quite out of character. I don't want to let him think that is acceptable, how do I tackle it? I am crap at communicating, the harder I try the more offensive I seem to be.

[traceybath]

Onedge - you are doing brilliantly - I had to do some expressing with ds2 and it was hard work.

I'd just say to your DH - am glad we're talking again, thanks for all you've done but don't ever call me a cunt ever again - ok sweetie

Seriously - you sound like me - want things done properly and then possibly get a leetle bit martyrish if its not and do it yourself.

Any chance you can pay for a bit of help with the ironing at least?

[Northernlurker]

Do you think he remembers saying it? I would just say for a start that you are sorry you argued too and does he realise he called you a cunt in the heat of the moment? Then if he says sorry just accept it and move on. If he argues the point then clearly there is more to discuss.

[SixtyFootDoll]

He should not have calle you that.
But maybe you are setting your standards too high - why worry about a wardrobe being painted and kids in their pjs?

MAybe you should all just take things as they come and chill?
Enjoy your new baby

[OnEdge]

Traceybath I never mind doing stuff like the ironing, I just HATE it when it goes unapreciated. I do tend to do things myself rather than ask for help.

I made a bastard casserloe today, thinking that it would give husband a day off cooking, he usually makes a superb roast every week. In the argument, he said I just HAD to take over and make it, couldn't leave it.

Painting the wardrobe does sound strange but we bought them off his sister and he was suppose to paint them weeks ago. They are in our bedroom ready for the baby but are still horrid orange pine, i want them painted eggshell off white, all shabby chic. I just got sick of looking at them and quickly whapped a coat on to get it moving.

We were working very well as a team, I am going to work at getting it back. He is good usually, i think he is just tired. Has been indoors with the kids all day and there have been a few tantrums, that is whgy i do something structured with them everyday, otherwise end up screaming at each other like today.

[OnEdge]

Thanks for being supportive MN etters, I feel much better now.

[Northernlurker]

Glad you're feeling better

[mamas12]

I really for you op but the name calling shouldn't be hard to tell how unaccepatable it is.

come on really?

Tell him today and tell him you don't expect that kind of disrespect again.

[susiedaisy]

we had some of our worst rows after the birth of our 2nd child, and looking back it was sheer exhaustion, my husband paces round the house like a caged animal if he cant get out and about, so he found being tied to the house recieving guests, midwives, and gps very frustrating and to be honest boring, as he told me later on, (our marriage is now failing, but thats another story), but i would try to put it behind you and try to get back to working as a team, the c word is a vile word, and men seem to use it when they want to hurt you, its not a word i hear many of my female friends use, but it is a word men use quite frequently,and to say you are lazy again i think was just a cheap shot to piss you off,my husband still trys to skirm out of the more boring kids clubs etc, i really do think that alot of men dont do the house/kids/mothering thing like we do, sorry dont have a huge amount of advice, but what you have gone through is quite common IMO and if you have otherwise got a good marriage, it will pass, its amazing what a lack of sleep can do to people, congrats on the new arrival, take care.

[snoobiesmummy90]

HE CALLED YOU A CUNT??!!!!!!!! Dear god. That is so low.

On another note, I was exhausted just reading your list of things to do, phew you are wearing me out! Why put so much pressure on you and him. You have 3 lovely kids, is ironing really so important?? Personally I wouln't worry bout painting the wardrobe. Looking after the kids are most important.

My husband is also on paternity leave, funny how men view this as their time off work, rather than what it is for, lol.