99% certain DH is having an affair

[RBJ72]

I posted on this forum a few months ago about DH not adapting to family life, wanting more excitement, saying he wondered if there was someone better out there blah blah. WE have been married for 6 years and together for 11. DD arried 18 months ago after several failed attempts at IVF. I am now 17 weeks preganant which happened naturally.

Advice from most was that we should get counselling and that if he wasn't already then he was definitely thinking about having an affair. I asked him outright then if he was having an affair and he said no and I believed him. I suggested counselling and looked into finding one in our area but he wasn't keen.

Since then we have both made more of an effort on the relationship. Trying to go out more. He booked a night away for our anniversary and also bought me a lovely necklace but I'm now thinking that this was all because he was feeling guilty.

I am now 99.9% certain he is having an affair with his secretary. How cliched can you get!? I could understand it if she was 25, blond and nubile but she isn't.

I started to suspect a week or so ago when I saw pictures on his camera of a work night out with them with their cheeks together. He went out to a work' colleague's leaving do last night and I knew she would be there with other people from work. He said he owuld be meeting a few of them beforehand for dinner but when I checked his BB this am I saw a text that suggested that he'd met her for dinner on their own. he also sent her emails over the bank holiday (not saying anything incriminating but why email her on a holiday) and I also found one from her saying she'd like them to spend the afternoon together at a gallery followed by the travel lodge! There were also a couple of others which are definitely evidence that they have more than a work relationship but don't categorically say anything explicit.

So what do I do? I haven't confronted him yet. I feel like him sleep walking and that this isn't really happening. I can't be in the same room as him. All I can think about is how can I cope (emotionally and financially) on my own with 2 kids. What I'm not thinking is how can I save my marriage. Should I be for the sake of DD and the next baby? We have been together for so long that I can't get my head around being apart.

[sandsad]

I don't have any answers for you I'm afraid, but I didn't want to pass on by after reading this and having just found out about my H's betrayal.

There is an awful lot of help and support on MN. If you truely want to save your marriage, and he does too, then you will be able to if he is prepared to be 100% honest. But its a long, painful path.

I do believe that it is possible.

Take care.

[tegan]

You need to approach this head on and ask him. Can you not pop by his office 1 day for a nosy and see the woman and make a point about how happy you are together perhaps she will back off

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Well given what you have found, it is 100% certain, isn't it? I remember your thread and posted on it. I'm really sorry it has turned out this way.

In the face of so many lies and denials, I assume you feel that you need incontrovertible proof that he has been physically unfaithful, but you know, you don't need it. No-one gets a text about going to a travelodge if there isn't physical infidelity.

You know he has lied to you about the private dinner with her and you know that if the positions were reversed and he had found this evidence, you couldn't even begin to persuade him you were faithful.

Don't pussy foot around with this one and there's absolutely no point scaring the OW off, because it shouldn't be you controlling his fidelity. There will just be others after her, anyway, if this isn't confronted.

He clearly doesn't want you to know though, as he is still making efforts to deceive you. Sadly, he is probably behaving this badly because he assumes you are too vulnerable (being pregnant) to leave him.

You will drive yourself mad and make yourself ill if you keep this to yourself any longer, so confront him now and accept nothing less than a complete end of this relationship. Insist on the truth and then hear him out. Get your DC cared for before the confrontation, because you will and should be talking for hours.

Come back to us too when you have confronted. We can help you every step of the way with this.

I won't even go into how you get over an affair because there's a way to go yet before that.

[sandsad]

I can only reinforce what WWIFN says.

I didn't force the situation and H is still here, blaming me. I'm living a lie, thoroughly miserable and battling depression.

There are SO many positive women on here who have been through this and come out of the other end intact.

It is terrifying, but you did not put your relationship into this position. And if you do not deal with it now you will carry it around with you until the next time when it will chip away at a bit more of your self-worth, and the next, and the next.

Be brave and confront this head on.

[dignified]

So sorry to hear this.

I think you need to confront him and tell him you know ( not thnk ) that he is having an affair . Unless he is willing to be completeley honest with you , id insist that he leaves.

Dont let him bullshit you about nothings happened ect.

[fuschiagroan]

I would go nuclear and let him really know that he is in the shit. Lay out that you are completely justified in divorcing him and what would happen if you did - how much he would have to pay for the children, how little he would see his daughter etc. You don't have to actually do all this stuff, but if you don't kick this in the bollocks now he will just do it again and again. He needs a scare.

[StudiousSal]

I totally agree with WWIFN, sorry but I honestly think from what you have said in your post, it's probably only time before he leaves anyway, he'll hang on till the baby is born, but be meeting her every chance he gets.

As WWIFN said I would confront this sooner rather than later, you can't go on like this knowing what you do know, it will only make you ill.

[sorrento56]

You say you don't want to save your marriage which is absolutely fine. Showing how happy you are together in front of his lover is ridiculous.

You are worried how you will cope. Well, you will because you have to and because women are strong.

Tell him you are not happy, he needs to go and you will be seeing a solicitor next week. Then walk away. Go and have a bath or read away from him with your daughter.

[hairytriangle]

"how much he would have to pay for the children, how little he would see his daughter etc. You don't have to actually do all this stuff, but"

Grim :(

I hate the whole 'I'm mad at you so I'm going to stop you seeing the kids' thing.

Also, don't make threats you won't carry out, it sets you up to be manipulated.

[snoobiesmummy90]

I don't mean to pry but are you and he still sexual with each other? What is his body language with you like? Have you thought about engineering a way you could speak to other woman in a casual way, just to reinforce fact you are pregnant and his woman etc, so if anything is going on may make her feel guilty??

[booyhoo]

tegan why the hell should she be trying to get this woman to back off? this woman is not the problem. her husband is the problem. telling the woman to back off achieves nothing except leaving the OP with the knowledge that her husband has cheated, didn't come clean and may well do it again. bad advice.

OP very sorry you are going through this. i can only echo what others have said about confronting him and telling him you know. se what he says. do you even want to work at it if he says he wants to?

[Tortington]

get your finances in order first love. dont go shouting your mouth off before thinking of the future.

if i were you - id be getting my hands on as much money as i could and be swquirelling it away - callit quits for the times hes spent money on dinner and a fuckpad with her.

if you make it - great

if you don't - you have a cushion to help you until you get yourself sorted /benefits kick in etc

[AddictedToRadley]

Completely agree with Custardo about getting some cash behind you first but it needs to be done asap. You need to confront him and do what's best for you not anyone else. Whatever you do don't stay for your dcs sake that will only result in you being an unhappy mummy and they will pick up on it.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going through especially when you're pregnant and are therefore much more vulnerable emotionally. I know it's going to be easier said than done but try not to stress too much as it won't do you or your unborn baby any good health wise.

I hope you're ok.

Custardo love the word 'fuckpad'!! I'm going to enter this in my own personal dictionary!! Can't stop saying the word in my head 'fuckpad, fuckpad, fuckpad.....' it has a certain ring to it!!

[sanielle]

"just to reinforce fact you are pregnant and his woman"


Yikes. That seems really childish and pathetic to me, the OW is most likely to end up pitying the OP. Which isn't going to help her, Dh is being a scum bag and will cheat with someone else. You don't cheat on your pregnant wife.

I'd get some definintive proof on film or something and leave his ass myself. Do you really want to save your marriage? you've asked him to make an effort, and he's refused councelling.. He doesn't really care about you if he's doing this. I'm so sorry but you wil regret staying with him. Also can you be sure he won't leave as soon as you've had the baby?

WHy are men forgive their stupid little mid life crisis.. You can't decide you don't like the "family thing" 11 years in to a relationship and 1.5 kids in to it.

[sanielle]

Should say, "why are women expected to forgive their" at the end

[RBJ72]

some really helpful words here particularly WWIFN (and also some really unconstructive stuff.)Completely agree that I shouldn't be scaring off OW - she;s not the issue - DH is.

So confronted him last night. tried to be as dignified and rational as possible. He's been seeing her for the past couple of months. He says that they haven't had sex but that they have kissed. He claims the email I read about the travel lodge was just fantasy stuff. I'm not sure I believe him though. You don't go out for dinner until 2 in the morning.

He finds it exciting. He says he's not sure I love him any more. He's not sure if he's happy or whether he's just being selfish (at least he recognises this.) We've lost the spontaneity in our relationship. Says he never knows how I am feeling - well he certainly does now. He says he does want to save the marriage and will go to counselling.

I've said that the relationship with this woman is a problem and that it has to stop. He says they are friends so I've asked him what's more important - his friendship with her or his marriage. She works with him so how can I be sure that nothing is going on when they sit next to each other all day??The asnwer is I can't unless one of them leaves the company right?

I never said in my original post that I didn't want to save the marriage. I definitely want to get outside help to see if we CAN save it so I'm going to arrange counselling which he has agreed to.

Tonight I need to find out what he's done about finishing the relationshp and also confront him again about whether they have had sex.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Thanks for updating and well done for confronting.

Alarm bells are going off all over the place here. When someone is confronted with infidelity, very often they will admit to only what they know you can prove. It is a defensive position because of fear and being backed into a corner. At the moment, he knows you cannot prove that he has had sex with her, but you can prove that she wanted sex with him, hence the travelodge comment.

He is doing what he did when you first posted in the summer, coming out with all sorts of justifications for why he has done something wrong and putting the blame onto you for why he has been restless and looked elsewhere. What he was doing then was telling you that he was being unfaithful. It is inconceivable that 2 months on from that, he hasn't had sex with her, especially as you can prove that she wanted sex with him.

He is also putting her in front of yor marriage by insisting that they can go back to being friends. They cannot It is the first rule of recovery that the relationship with the OW must be severed completely. It is always best if there is no contact whatsoever. That means she leaves or he does. Don't be afraid of making that a condition of you staying with him, either.

It means he tells his boss what has been happening and asks for his/her help and support. It means he takes responsibility for this affair and does everything to right the wrong.

You really need complete honesty from him and he must put an absolute stop to blaming you for his infidelity. You are not to blame at all. When he told you his litany of woes in the summer, he was telling you after the fact. You said that you tried to get things back on track after he spoke to you, but he is telling you that despite those efforts, he went headlong into an affair. This means it was never about you or your marriage at all. You could have been jumping through every hoop possible and he would have still had an affair, because he could and he didn't want to turn down a cast-iron opportunity.

Please see this for the tissue of lies and obfuscation it is.

[booyhoo]

oh gosh. well at least you have faced it. if it were me i wouldn't take what he says at face value. cheaters tend to tell you enough to get you off their backs but there is usually more they are holding back. would be very surprised if he hasn't had sex with her. they way he says he finds it exciting. what so exciting he gets as far as kissing at 2am and then stops? i don't think so. and yes, you are right to worry about them working together. not sure if i could accept working on teh relationship if he was to continue working with her.

[booyhoo]

oops WWIFN put it sooo much beter than i did.

[ernestTheBavarian]

of course they have. it'ds standard. They lie and say nothing happened. Then just a kiss, then attraction, and only after months of mindgames and irrifutable proof, the admission.

Of course they've had sex.

Any yes, one of them should leave.

he won't want to give her up easily though.

[sorrento56]

"his woman"

Bloody hell.

[vertigo]

Hello RBJ72,

And sorry for such a shit situation. Hope DC2to be is being easy on you at least.

I am coming out the other end of an experience similar to yours.


Here are a couple of insights I would like to share with you in no particular order. Sorry if it sounds clinical:


? Do not be self-critical of failing to realise that he was conducting an affair. It is quite, quite normal to be truth biased when in a relationship with someone you love.


? All the "what we have isn't good enough" stuff is because he likely falls into the monogamous category ie he can only be attached to one sexual partner at a time so, to justify transferring the desire to switch into actually switching, he becomes critical of you/what you two have. When you react to such non-loving behaviour he gets his permission to go ahead (not from you - I mean self permission: see she is or isn't x, y or z so I deserve to do this.)

The trying to make good, be affectionate etc. wasn't going to make a shred of difference as you weren't given a full deck of cards to play with. I am fairly certain from what you have posted, and what I have extensively read, that the affair was underway.


? It is highly doubtful that this has remained at the kiss level. In a lot of ways it is academic as there is clearly an emotional affair, defined as a relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage.


? It isn't about her. Don't compare yourself on any plane. It is about his comparing a thrilling-fantasy-love-tryst thing based on secrecy with a long term reality based relationship with new responsibilities.


? Do, if you can, see this confession (of sorts) as emotionally liberating. I re-read your post and I hope you can see that you have no further need to beat yourself up about not being affectionate enough etc. Expressing this through an affair and setting you up beforehand as the patsy is weak indeed.

? Stock up on Nytol one-a-night to help stem the constant mind racing.


? Do get the Shirley Glass book. It is something of a bible for this experience. I am not one to evangelise about self-help stuff but it isn't wholly damming of the one who had the affair and gives you a way forward whether you wish to save (predominently)or split.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Fantastic post Vertigo.

[snoobiesmummy90]

Yep agree with others, the other woman has to go elsewhere for a job, OR HE DOES, if this doesn't happen im afraid your hubby isnt playing fair, and well done you for laying it on the line!

I do feel right now your hubby is letting his nether regions rule his brain (sadly).

Carry on doing what you are doing, be strong! Well done again!

[RBJ72]

Hello vertigo

Thank you for your insight - very helpful. So are you still with your DH/DP? Did you use counselling and was it helpful?

I feel like I need to know the whole truth about the affair ie have they had sex. Surely it's better to have all the bad news at once?

And please no comments from anyone else about f$%^pads - not helpful :(