Should I give up maintaining this friendship?

[fedup4]

We are friends with a couple who we have known for 14 years (my husband has known him for 25 years as they were at college together and is one of his oldest friends).

We are always the ones to arrange a night out and contact them - only once in all the time we have known them have they ever contacted us out of the blue to ask we want to go out.

We usually see them say 4 times a year even though they only live 10 minutes away. I would see them more if they got in touch but I wait to see if they will and eventually have to text again after a couple of months. She always says it's so lovely to see us and we are the only people who get them out together as they always go out separately. They have two small children so I think they find it easier.

Sometimes she tries to give the impression she never goes out but then lists where she has been and she is always out either with her sisters, cousins or other friends.

In the last 5/6 years we have invited them round twice at Christmas time and for 2 -3 barbeques. They have never once invited us round for anything but I get the impression they don't do much home entertaining.

The last time we saw them was at the end of April and I have now said to my husband i will NEVER text her again. The situation has been winding me up for a couple of years now.

We arranged to go out for my birthday in June which both kind of cancelled so I said to them come round instead as we had other friends coming round but she made her excuses and never bothered and said we would go out "soon". Bumped into them in a pub towards the end of July and I said we will have to go out and she said maybe to the pub across the road that's just been done up.

Surprise, surprise I have heard nothing from her.

We don't really contact each other in between going out by telephone/text.

I don't think it is unreasonable to want to see people who are supposed to be friends and who only live 10 minutes way once every couple of months otherwise the friendship loses its "momentum".

Do you think I should give up on this? I really do have a problem with one-sided friendships/relationships and it's not like me to have continued with this for so long.

Her partner is exactly the same. Has only suggested going out to my husband once or twice in 20 years but he just accepts that's the way he is and doesn't really bother much. Like I say it is me who has made sure this friendship has been maintained.

We got out with a few other couples separately from them and they know how to "play the game". We get in touch with them and a couple of months later they contact us.

I don't really understand why they have never invited us round - they are not stupid people - she has a professional job with the NHS so I am sure knows all about etiquette/the right way to behave.

Sorry for rambling but this has been going round and round in my head for weeks now and is driving me mad (even though I have got far more to worry about with other things)

[SolidGoldBrass]

It sounds very much as though you are their 'duty friends'. They can't bring themselves to be harsh enough to actually tell you they don't want any more contact with you - and they probably do enjoy the times they do see you, they are just not interested in seeing more of you.
And given that the original friendship is between your H and the other H, why not leave it up to them? You do sound a bit bossy and demanding and as though everyone should live by your rules - maybe the other wife isn't all that keen on you.

[BigBadMummy]

If you are honest do you all talk and get on when you go out?

What do you talk about?

It is okay to accept that sometimes friendships just run their course and the friends you had at college might not have the interests as the friends you have now.

Don't beat yourself up over it.

If you don't want to make the effort. Don't.

[vicki2010]

i was in exactly the same situation with my oldest school friend,always me contacting her and making the effort...we got married last year and invited her and her husband to the day part(meal etc) and didnt invite other 'new' friends as i felt obliged to invite her and after the wedding made a decision to wait to see if she would contact me and ''suprise suprise' its been over a year since i heard from them!!! just shows how my feeling was right im just soo anoid with myself for thinking that they were good enough friends to waste two spaces at my wedding when my 'new' friends who always call should really have been there....go on leave it and see how long it takes them,i doubt they will bother as some peoples idea of friendships are TOTALLY different and you have to learn to accept that you are not everyones priority and move on...sad but thats life,at least the people im surrounded by now are genuine friends as they show it .

[LouMacca]

I think when you have to work so hard at a friendship then its time to call it a day.

This time last year I 'let go' of one of my friends after all the effort of trying to get together and like you always inviting them to our house but it never being reciprocated. My DH and her DH are also friends but he always lets my DH down and always cancels going out at the last minute.

I was always the one doing the phone-calls and texts and once I stopped I never heard from her (even when she knew my DH has been laid off at work and was out of work for months).

It's a shame because they are our childrens godparents and we are godparents to their 2 girls but trying to maintain the friendship became such a chore.

We still send each other birthday and xmas cards but I'm not such that will last much longer.

[fedup4]

We do enjoy their company when we go out - I think this is why I have kept it up but it has got so one-sided now I really don't want to bother.

I would imagine (would like to think anyway) she will text me in the next month or two as she feels guilty and I would like to send her a text telling her something along the lines of I have got the message that we are bottom of the pile etc etc but don't know if I have the bottle. If she got in touch we could go out with them but we would still be back to square one the next time.

Not the last time we were out with them, but the time before, at the beginning of the year, her partner actually turned round to her at the end of the night and said he didn't know why me and her didn't go out on our own in future.

This implied to me that he couldn't be bothered going out in a couple.

[fedup4]

By the way I am not the slightest bit bossy or demanding. Just fed up it is so one sided when you actually like the people and you get on well with them.

One thing I don't understand is that she came round and made a real fuss of me in June when I was 40 and came round with a cake and expensive present when all we did for her was buy her a bottle of champagne when we were out.

This is even more frustrating as I really wish she hadn't bothered if she can't manage to keep in touch.

[fedup4]

By the way I am not the slightest bit bossy or demanding. Just fed up it is so one sided when you actually like the people and you get on well with them.

One thing I don't understand is that she came round and made a real fuss of me in June when I was 40 and came round with a cake and expensive present when all we did for her 40th the year before was buy her a bottle of champagne when we were out.

This is even more frustrating as I really wish she hadn't bothered if she can't manage to keep in touch.

If she did get in touch am I supposed to carry on as if nothing is wrong or just make excuses that we can't go out. Like I said it is probably just wishful thinking that she will get in touch.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting to hear from so called friends once every couple of/few months

[coodles]

Do you know what she is like with other friends? If there are some she meets up with a lot, then maybe you have to accept this friendship is fading and decide for yourself whether it's worth making all the effort.

Some people just will not contact you, but will go out if you make all the running -I've had this and it was rather funny when I bumped into one woman who I'd finally given up contacting after having organising the last 10 or so meetings (and then asked her to phone me the next time to organise a catch up) and she indignantly asked me why I hadn't contacted her!!

[LouMacca]

fedup4 - I actually had it out with my friend on the phone after she cancelled yet another day out(the 4th of the run). We had arranged to go out for the day in the summer hols last year. I spoke to her the night before and we arranged to meet at 11am. At 9.30am I got a text to say she didn't feel very well, I was fuming.

I rang her and told her I was fed up of making all the effort and she was very apologetic on the phone. However 5 minutes after I put the phone down she texted me a quite nasty message saying how upset she was with me and she couldn't help being poorly.

You sound so frustrated by this that I think you should call her and tell her how you feel, texting just goes back and forth.

BTW my friend came to my 40th with a lovely expensive present too which I appreciated but the damage was already done.

[fedup4]

She is a really nice friendly person and I can't imagine she is like this with anyone else (even though I have no contact with her other friends). For all I know maybe they make all the running. That actually makes no difference to how I feel.


If she got in contact any later than the end of September then I really would feel too annoyed to go out with them.

If I was honest about how I felt then surely this would be the end of the friendship. I can't see either of them changing towards us after 14 plus years.

Maybe she just won't bother contacting me and will be glad I have stopped contacting her. I really don't know.

[fedup4]

LouMacca - we don't really speak a lot on the phone so it would seem strange to call her so I think I will just have to stop all contact and see what happens.

I think I am also a bit over sensitive to all this as around 10 years ago my mother decided she didn't want to know me and avoided contact so that took a lot of dealing with. We are back in contact now but I have a low tolerance to one sided relationships. It actually surprises me how long I have put up with this one sided friendship - which goes to show that we actually really like this couple.

The only positive points are that they have never said no to a night out or cancelled at the last minute so they must want to go out with us.

[LouMacca]

I have to say that not having this friend in my life hasn't affected me at all so maybe our friendship had run its course.

You sound like you really want this friend in your life. If it's making you feel so bad you need to deal with it and know once and for all if its a friendship worth working on. Maybe you could pop round and say you were passing and see what response you get?

[dollius]

"I think I am also a bit over sensitive to all this as around 10 years ago my mother decided she didn't want to know me and avoided contact so that took a lot of dealing with."

I think you hsve hit the nail on the head here. This is about your mother, not your friend.

Honestly, they have two small children. Some people find that more exhausting than others, some are more organised than others. If you don't want to do the running, then stop. But I really don't think you should take this personally.

I do think you have not drawn a line under what your mother did though.

Can you tell us more about what happened then? (Not if you don't want to go there of course!)

[SolidGoldBrass]

Dollius is right I think: this is about your mother. Maybe you need to sort out your feelings about that (perhaps with a counsellor) so you don't project them onto other people who mean you no harm.