Can't win with my husband

[cornishone]

I don't feel I can win with my husband at the moment.

I've been a SAHM for a while after giving up a good legal career. DH earns OK money but not an awful lot. It's more than enough to live on but not to have the standard of living we both want (nice house, one decent holiday, lunch out now and again etc). He is in agreement with this as well as he also wants to spend money on stag trips, season ticket etc. He has never given me money so, up until now, I have been relying on maternity pay and my savings to fund the shortfall. He has paid all household bills, holidays etc though - I have funded all my expenses as well as DS clothes and stuff. However I don't want to spend any more of my savings and feel I need to go back to work.

So I am about to go back to working freelance a couple of days a week. DS is in school and I can organise my work most of the time to still be able to pick him up and not rely on childcare too much.

However DH always seems to have an issue with it. On the few occasion I have had to rely on him he has made a massive deal about it (he has to work etc) despite the fact that he works from home and didn't have to pick them up til 6pm. I also feel (maybe wrongly) that he deliberately arranges things when I need him to sort DS so that either he can't or that it is a major problem (cue huffing and puffing).

Fact is, he wants me to work as we need the money but he doesn't want it to have any impact on him whatsoever.

I know he is being an arse but what to do. Do I confront it and turn it into a massive issue or do I just ignore it and force him to do it despite his whinging.

[Dinghy]

I would say 'this is the situation as i see it (ie we are both parents who work, therefore we should share the childcare) - what do you think?' and see why he thinks that the childcare is your sole responsibility.


And to be honest, in using your savings to pay 'your' way you have given him a bit of power. If, as a unit, one is earning the cash and the other is doing the childcare, all the money should go into pot imo. BUT that is just my opinion and there are plenty of folk who arrange their finances differently.

[cornishone]

Dinghy, I know that but I have always been financially independent and never really wanted to rely on him for money.

I (maybe foolishly actually) thought that allowing him to pay for everything would be worse. I know some people manage very well sharing all the money but I don't think we would have.

[cornishone]

I do feel what it's done though, is mean that there is no upside for him, only additional hassle.

so there is no real increase in our lifestyle/spending. Just no more depreciation of my savings, which he had no part of and I get to pay into a pension again. So for him, I suppose he isn't seeing any benefit.

[Alambil]

the up side is more money for the rare lunch out and one decent holiday, surely?

[Dinghy]

yes what's done is done - didn't mean to be critical of that, was just seeing a link to his behaviour now


I think you're right - he wants to have his cake and eat it ie, no hassle, free childcare for his child AND for you to bring in some money. Do you/will you earn more than him, and will this be an issue for him?

As for what to do, why not say 'here is the situation [ie I can't work SOLELY around ds's school hours) what do you suggest?'

[notyummy]

The question that Dinghy highlighted is the key one. Although my temptation would be to go in with all guns blazing, as he is clearly being an arse...I can see that a more adult approach would be to formulate a few killer questions that basically back him into a corner. At the nursery I use, I see as many fathers picking up kids as mothers; it is unrealistic to think that your income can increase via you going back to work but that there will be utterly no impact on him. many people manage long commutes along side pick-ups - if he works from home he has even less of an excuse.

[PfftTheMagicDragon]

So he wants the extra money but doesn't want anything to change?

DH was a little like this. At some point, he started mentioning me going back to work. I didn't need to financially and I was happy with the children at home. I think he wanted me to get out more and fancied the extra money. I said "Let's be clear. I will go back to work if we need to, but things will change. You will be doing 50% of the housework, and 50% of the childcare. You might need to leave work early or take time off if they are are sick".......funnily enough that was the end of the conversation. I think he would quite liked for me to work part time, everything go on as normal for him. Yeah

[cornishone]

That's exactly what he wants but financially we can't afford to. I did say that I would stay home if he put all his money into joint account and paid into a pension for me. That conversation didn't last long.

I think maybe I need to organise him so ge always does pick up on certain days. Then it won't be a negotiation every time.

I have arranged for a cleaner and he already does a lot of the cooking so it's not that he doesn't pitch in. It just is on his terms most of the time.

In his defence, he has been made redundant several times so is always nervous about his job security. One employer told him he couldn't take paternity leave and questioned his commitment so he doesn't want to say ge has to leave early.

[LadyLapsang]

Gosh, either you had a lot of savings or you don't spend very much if you managed to pay for your share of expences from when you went on maternity leave until your child started school.

I feel your pain, my DH was like this-it would be more of a pain for him to collect from nursery once than for him to go abroad for a month! Don't really have any solutions, although from my younger colleagues (with young children) I would say the regular take / collect situation works best, then you don't have to be negotiating (arguing)each week.

If he is motivated by money maybe discussing your long term savings / pension provision may help him to see the benefits of you working. If he knows that your pension provision is low and he will need to make extra provision to cover you he may be more supportive about you working.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I think he's been 'off the hook' so to speak for a long time. I can see you wanting to retain independence, but all that has happened is that you have given him a false idea of how much income it takes to support the lifestyle that you have.

Can you sit down with him and explain just how much of your savings you have used up and what needs to be earned instead to make up the difference?

I think you really need to confront it, because this could go one of two ways. Either he stops being idiotic and takes full responsibility as a parent, or you end up being frazzled for the next 15 years trying to earn, run the house, sort DS out etc etc and resenting DH while he continues his relatively stress-free life.

Can't believe either that he wasn't happy about the joint account and paying a pension for you. DH does both of these things, we barely even discussed it because it was a given.