It's been the worst year of my life. It all began 6 months ago, when I discovered that DH was having an affair. He had just started working abroad (rotation work), and he was back home for the first time. He acted very weird, but it never crossed my mind what was going on. We have a 3yo son. Anyway, first I found a message in his phone by accident: phone happened to be next to me when text came in and I just saw a woman's name and happy "hello". Didn't give it much thought until that night we had awful sex and I started thinking about his behaviour of the last weeks. Went to check his phone and found a lot of messages, although nothing conclusive. Confronted him and he denied it, of course. He went away again, and then a few days later (again by accident, honestly), I found some emails in my computer (it used to be his, so his emails settings were still there). The emails were very graphic and detailed. Called him and confronted him with it. He couldn't deny it anymore and broke down, saying he was sorry and didn't want to lose his family over what had happened. We agreed to talk when he was back. I'm a foreigner, so after a few days at home I couldn't resist and decided to go back to my parents until he got back to try and get some space. Trip was awful cause I didn't want to tell anyone (just told my mum) so I had to keep a happy face. While I abroad, I found out I was pregnant (such an irony, since we had been trying for almost 2 years with no results). I had told him he needed to leave his job, of course. When we both got back he had a very cocky attitude and didn't want to comply with any of the conditions I had set out. Stupidily, I gave in, and the only thing he agreed to was for us to go to Relate, but then we were placed in waiting list. Then I found out that while I was away he had continued his affair, even though he had said he had finished it. Big row, but after a week of not talking I couldn't take it and we decided to try again - he promised it was over now. Just before he went away again I found out he was still contacting her. Another row. When he left things werent clear. We argued a lot over the phone, I called OW and she said it was over, so I believed it (he also insisted it was over). Things seemed brighter. Next time he was home we went to Relate. I thought it was helping, plus I had also started CBT since being diagnosed with depression. We had lovely time, and I told him I'd stop moaning about his job for at least a year, and then we'd see. I also told him I would not tolerate something like what had happened again. He agreed. He left again, I had my mum over to keep me company, and things seemed ok. Mum left just as he got back, and then, yes, you guessed it, I found out he was back with her again. I've had enough, so I sent him to guest bedroom and we spent that month living "separated under the same roof". It was ok at times, hell at others. He can't give a proper explanation, and the problem is that he just seems to "want it all" - he actually tried to blame me for having found out, because "she knows (he) wouldn't leave us for her", and it's nothing important. So, if it's not important, why the hell does it keep happening??? He just turned 42, so I guess it's just a big middle age crisis, but I can't handle it anymore. I'm now 6 months pregnant, with a very demanding toddler (at least he's used to daddy coming-and-going), and away from family. I have the support of his family (SIL and MIL), who are, understandably, very upset with him. My son is the only grandchild on his side, so MIL is terrified I'll take him (and the baby) away. I've reassured her I'd never take them away from her (as in preventing her from seeing them), but that is more than likely I'll move somewhere else next year. I've decided to have my baby here, my parents will come for Christmas (at least he wont be around then), and then we'll see what happens next year. I'm aware I can't make any decisions just now, but this "waiting game" is exhausting at times. My friends and family are very supportive (via email and phone - no friends around here), and I know things will be ok in the end (no financial worries, thankfully - have seen lawyer already and I'm protected), but it's very frustrating just now. I just don't know what's wrong with him, and since we're rubbish at communicating (Relate is now out of the question), I don't really know what he's thinking. Everybody agrees he needs to grow up, and I'm just sad things have turned out this way. When I first found out I was aware our relationship wasn't at its best (which can explain why it happened, even if nothing justifies it), and that's why I gave in so much and was trying to work things out. But the fact that he kept going back to her again and again, and doesn't want to leave his job (which he could easily do, or at least take a break - which I know we could afford), I just can't play his game anymore. sigh That's it, really. As the subject says, I needed to vent!
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Pregnant, just separated, DH with OW - just venting out!
isabellak · 31/08/2010 00:01
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Situation in home country is not great at the moment, and to be honest I wouldn't like to have baby there. Although, me and my son are going there next week for almost a month, and then we're coming back on the final week when I'm allowed to travel. So I'm aware there's a slight risk I might not be able to come back 
, but it's a calculated one. However, my first instinct was to have baby here, and somehow I feel I'll be happier with things going according to plan.
My mum will be here for the birth and then my dad and one of my sisters will be here for a few weeks. I'd like to wait for baby to have first sets of immunisations and checks and all that here, while also sorting out passports and the like (I've got dual citizenship now, so it makes things easier). Then we'll see.
As to making decisions now, well, it's a tricky one, because mentally and emotionally I'm absolutely shattered, and tbh, I don't feel myself capable of thinking straight in the long run, so I'm waiting to have baby to start taking antidepressants, so that I can see things more clearly.
I am educated and well prepared, but I haven't had a "real" job for the last 7 years (we used to travel a lot because of his job, so I only had temp jobs), so I really need to think things through in order to make the best decision for myself and my children (he's out of the equation as far as I'm concerned).
tribpot, sorry if first post was too long and confusing - H is abroad at the moment (he does rotations of 4 weeks there/4 weeks here), but he's still living in the house, in the guest bedroom. We've joked that we're better housemates than ever were as H & W, so things haven't been TOO weird yet, but I'm afraid it could/will change eventually. Next time he's home we'll see less of him, though, because of my own travel arrangements, and tbh, at least he does give me a hand with our son when he's around.
I guess I still want to maintain a bit of a "rosy" view of things, but thanks for your comments about keeping my guard up and prepare for a turn for the worst once things start to unroll.
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