What makes a good friend?

[mashitup]

I've been wondering about how to be a good friend a lot recently.

I've never really had a problem in getting friends, but I can be crap at keeping them. I've made some bad choices in the who I've decided to focus my attention on, and in the past I've been attracted to friendships where I'm not exactly nurtured.

I've recently realised - with the help of a counsellor DH are seeing for marital trouble - that I just didn't have loving relationships modelled to me by my parents. They why they treated me, and often each other, was fucked up.

I don't have a sister and long to have one. I long to have a best friend, but I don't. My best friend from Uni doesn't want anything to do with me, and I'm not even sure why, although our relationship was so tempestuous and we had massive fallings out a lot, as we were both screwed up really. But I feel like such a failure, that I have a best friend.

I know this sounds a bit pathetic. And it's not like I don't have friends. I do. Some of them are good friends, but I crave something deeper, more sisterly. Someone I can count on for help at any hour of the day. Who I can call about trivia or serious stuff.

Thing is though, I can't help wondering whether I'm capable of having such an intimate relationship. I'm not sure how great a friend I am. I feel jealous easily, and competitive, and I'm very, very critical. I enjoy gossip although I don't do it. I find it hard to give unless I know I'd receive in return. I'm quick to find injustices and I seethe about them. None of these qualities are very admirable

Perhaps I'm being a bit hard on myself. Because I do have some longstanding friendships and I am capable of being kind, considerate and nurturing. I just see women my age being really, really close with other women and I wonder about all the friendships I've had that I've screwed up and whether I'm just a crap person.

[purplepeony]

Thing is though, I can't help wondering whether I'm capable of having such an intimate relationship. I'm not sure how great a friend I am. I feel jealous easily, and competitive, and I'm very, very critical. I enjoy gossip although I don't do it. I find it hard to give unless I know I'd receive in return. I'm quick to find injustices and I seethe about them. None of these qualities are very admirable


If you can recognise your faults then now is the time to change them.

[mashitup]

But how?!

And I'm not sure whether others see those faults in me. I have been told by both my ex therapist and friends that I am too hard on myself. I do tend to see the negative (rather than the positive) first in both myself and others.

I think that subconsciously I tend to mess up relationships when they are getting too close for comfort. I find genuine emotional intimacy difficult. I'm trying to work on it.

I just wondered what qualities people valued in their friends

[LordPanofthePeaks]

find myself again agreeing totally with purplepeony. You could also do with listing your good points.

As a tip, most people like their friends to be a bit consistent, and want to talk to them about them, and show a real warmth of concern.

Oddly, just home from a talk with an ex-lover - we are struggling to re-form with as 'friends' - bit difficult but we are agreeing to 'invest' in each other's well being, away from our own expectations of the other person. This is prob. a good blue print for a lot of friendships. Also, there isn't an overall plan to these things - we are all individuals and so are friendships.

and yes you are being harsh on yourself probably. All IMVHO.

[mashitup]

btw, when I say I am 'very, very critical', I mean in my head not out loud

I am happy for my friends when good things happen and I am there for them when things are going bad.

But I am too quick to retreat or play up if people are getting too close, I think.

[mashitup]

Thanks Pan, and purplepeony.

OK, as requested, here are my good points. This is hard.

I am a good listener, I think.
I have been told by many different people that I give good advice.
I keep confidences.
I am open to doing favours for people and frequently do so, although I'm perhaps not as open as some people I know.
I make people laugh sometimes.
I am reliable in that if I make an arrangement, I keep to it.
I am loyal, but not necessarily in a good way. I find myself wanting to take sides with someone if they have an issue with someone else.

[LordPanofthePeaks]

See! Like you already!!

[mashitup]

[SandStorm]

If it's any help, I think you're being a little bit hard on yourself. How many really good friends do most people have? I can count mine on two fingers (three if you count OH). And they're not people I see on a regular basis. They're the people I ring after six months and the conversation picks up like we left off yesterday.

I don't think the number of friends you have define you. It's the quality of the friendships you do have that matter.

I've recently come to the conclusion that although there are a lot of people (fellow mums) that I know, there are few I would mourn the loss of (friendshipwise).

I believe you stay friends with someone for a reason and you can't manufacture those reasons. You either 'fit' with each other, or you don't.

[Spingsummer]

These days many people confuse friends (mates) with acquaintances. I have met people who would call someone a friend when in fact that was an acquaintance.
Personally I have not got a best friend outside of my family. Depending on the information I would share it eather with my husband or with my sister. My sister tells me a lot about her kids and her partner. She likes moaning in general :) Things which she tells me I would not tell her. I do not know but for example, there are things in my family (with my DH) which I am not happy about. Sometimes he can be very rude. His tounge does not know the limit. I would not tell about it to my mother neither to my sister or anyone esle from my friends. I much prefer to share it on Yahoo Answers or on MN. These people are not going to judge me because they do not know me. How many times it has happened that my own sister was underestimating me; or she would tell me that htis has happened because you... In fact she was wrong many times but this is how friends can fantasise, get creative.
I would not tell everything to my husband. As my aunt told me: "Never tell everything to your husband because one day later he will remind you about this". very true and happens to many wives.
I have a number of good friends but again I would not feel comfortable sharing them personal information. They do not need to know about it.
I am also a bit distrastful. I have learnt it in the past. It happened to me to have fake friends who let me down badly.
Another thing that I do not like possesive friends which start to dictate what to do and when and be persistent in the negative way. Kind of trying to be the leader between the us two and I do not like it. I like to discuss and organise things in calm way with respect.

[Spingsummer]

Sorry for the mistakes. Have to check the message before posting it.

[purplepeony]

I'd say the most telling phrase in your 1st post is that you find it hard to give unless you know you will receive.

That's not how love and friendships work. You should give and expect nothing back- but if it comes that's great. This is not the same as a 1-sided friendship. But you don't start off being friends surely thinking what you can get out of it?

You also say you are jealous and competitive and very critical- all of these things will put people off you.

"Do as you would be done by" is a pretty helpful way to behave as a friend.

Focus on being a good friend rather than taking. What you give out will come back to you.

If you keep sabotaging relationships then may be you either have some kind of commitment issues or you thrive on break ups and emotional outbursts/highs and lows- neither is good for a long term friendhip, is it?

[mashitup]

pp, your last sentence does seem to sum me up. I think I have commitment issues and thrive on emotional intensity.

To be fair though, as I tried to say above, I might say I am jealous and competitive and very critical, but that is not how I (necessarily) ACT. I don't sit there and compete with friends, or criticise them. I might criticise them in my head though, and I guess that is an issue.

[pippop1]

I often think things in my head about friends (or their actions) that I would never dream of saying to my friends out loud.

Doesn't it make you a better friend that you don't say what you are thinking if you know it would offend them or lead to an argument?

For example, a friend whose DC has had private education all their lives and has managed very mediocre GCSEs told me that she thought her DC should become a lawyer. I know, through my own research, that nowadays it is very difficult to get into Uni for Law and especially to get into a firm for the two years training to become a lawyer. This person's son is far from shining academically I did not say this but just suggested that the child try to find some work experience to be sure that he would like it. It's not for me to judge, but I did in my head!

I think it does make you a better friend if you don't say exactly what you are thinking.

[notalways]

I honestly think it is just your luck whether or not you meet a really good friend. A bit like falling in love really.

Definitely something to do with making me laugh more than anyone else.

it's all a bit cliched I suppose - with my own real best friends - we've grown up together, seen each other fall in love, nursed each others breaking hearts, drank with each other to oblivion, shared amazing highs and terrible lows.

We've let each other down and over time found that we'd rather forgive than break up. We are each our worst critics and our biggest fans - I know I will get their honest opinion on everything - and that they would expect no less from me.

But mainly, more than anything, they make me laugh much more than anyone else, they are bloody hilarious.

I think you click or you don't. I've been in situations where I haven't met anyone I've liked much for years and then I meet about 5 women in the space of a year who I would quite like to know well.

Then the timing has to be right - ie. same geographical area for long enough to build up shared memories, roughly similar life experience etc.

I've been in situations where I haven't met anyone I've liked much for years and then I meet about 5 women in the space of a year who I would quite like to know well. One thing is for sure - you can't force it and the more desperate you become the less likely you will be in finding it.

But, if I might say - your post sounds like your looking for something like a wish list -someone to fulfil you idea of what a best friend is - life doesn't happen like that, you can't pursue the kind of closeness you seek - it builds over time.

[coodles]

I have a very small family and I don't see them very often, DP is the same. This makes me rely more on my friends and I do try to make an effort to be there for them and spend time keeping in touch.

It paid dividends when I had to have a major operation in May this year and was off work for 6 weeks - I was so grateful to the friends that made an effort coming to see me or who just emailed or phoned to see how I was.

I was surprised that some people didn't contact me at all - several have phoned recently apologising and wanting to meet up now I'm better and we'll meet up, but I don't feel quite the same about them if I'm honest.

I think friendships are very personal and some people maybe with huge families to give them support wouldn't have been bothered.

Also, there are friends and there are acquantances as I've discovered.

[Urbanvoltaire]

I read this post and feel in a similar position to the OP. I feel I put more weight on some friendships than they perhaps deserve. I feel let-down easily and thus critical and sometimes paranoid that people dont really want to spend any time with me. I then just play it cool and after a while forget about it and get on with life really. I give people a few chances afterwhich tey become hard work to be friends with.

Coodles made a point that when she had an operation some didnt contact her and she viewed these said friends differently. I had a similar situation recently and have now questioned who is a friend and who is an acquaintenance.

I am quite a sociable person (yes really I'm a good laugh!) and would like a bigger circle of close friends living nearby.

I guess it's down to luck, personalities clicking and people being reciprocal.