Analyse please....plenty of fish

[proudmummyof1]

Not a regular poster and pretty new to dating after coming out of a 14 year marriage. Suppose I just need to know if this is normal or if I've been completely played? Always thought I had good judgement but maybe not!!Had a date with a guy on Friday night from POF after a week of texting/calls. Date went really well & he seemed really keen, texted me straight aftewards, asked me out on Saturday night and texted me constantly on Saturday until 3pm. I'd agreed to go out with him on sunday night and sorted out the details and then at 5pm got a text saying "back with ex cant make tomorrow, good luckxx". On Friday night he told me he was separated 6 months and there was definitely no going back, he was really attentive and keen, we talked all night, shared a great goodnight kiss but nothing more and I'm just a bit shocked? Either he was completely messed up or I'm pretty easily taken in and have been completely played - please reassure me I'm not a complete idiot! He was the most normal of all of the guys who'd contacted me and I feel so stupid :-(

[Tippychoocks]

Poor you.
I don't know what to say. Either he is back with the Ex and told you that a reconciliation was unlikely (to be fair, what else would he have said?) when that wasn't strictly true. Or he's not as keen on you as you are on him.
Don't feel stupid either way, it's not your fault or problem. It just means you've got to keep looking a while longer .

[Antalya1]

The answer is you won't know the real reason, either way, he's mixed up, so the two scenarios are:

1. He really is back with his ex (don't think that this is the case)
   
2. He's chickened out as really not ready yet, it may be that he thought he was Ok to move on, but realised he isn't. doesn't make him a bad guy, but definitely not for you.
   
   Confusing I know when they make all the running, but they are the on e with 'Issues'...not you, you're genuine and ready for something else. some are genuine to, so don't give up.
   
   I'm sort of on the reverse from this, like to think that I'm ready, when I'm not, and run for the hills if anyone shows any interest, still licking the wounds from the last one, and the idea of having to get to know someone again is daunting, not exciting, a clear indication that a little more time is needed - he could very well be feeling like that??

[proudmummyof1]

Thanks for replying so quickly, what you both say makes soo much sense. The thing is I was worried that he seemed so keen, he was so nice & complimetary all night and it was so easy and his keenness scared me quite a lot at first. It took a lot of courage for me to go on the date, I was so scared. I'm the same as you Antalya I wanted to run for the hills but forced myself to go as he seemed so genuine. I thought I was ready but maybe this has proved to me i'm not. I've just checked POF and hes removed his profile so I guess I'll never know.....have suspended mine as well, maybe will put back on in a few weeks when i've licked my wounds

[Janos]

You aren't stupid proudmummy.

He does sound messed up, but that isn't your problem. His hurtful and selfish behaviour is definitely not your fault!

[Antalya1]

proudmummyof1 how long have you been seperated?

[purplepeony]

Doesn't live SW does he? sounds like a person I know!
Seriously, maybe the only lesson you have to learn from this is to not rush into a 2nd date no matter how much they plead- be busy, be cool, and make them wait and cool off or get keener- either way you will be more in control.

[olderandsexierbyfar]

purplepeony....can you spare a bit of time to be my lifecoach !!!

[ginnny]

Well my friend had an almost identical experience on POF. There seem to be a lot of screwed up men on there!!
I think you should keep trying though. You are bound to come across someone normal eventually

[Antalya1]

Definitely same experiences, I wonder if it is the same guy that just moves around the country...had almost identical experience

[purplepeony]

older- only if you pay me

[proudmummyof1]

Thanks all, some great advice. I've only been separated 6 months Antalya and am living in a new area 250 miles away from my friends. I'm really missing my friends both male & female. I joined POF not for anything serious but to have some fun and get out, but you're right there are some strange men out there!!
Anyway, update tonight is that he called me earlier to apologise, hes really mixed up, doesnt want to go back but is worried about his young daughter, he says he really likes me (there was a definite spark) and theyve talked in length today and agree that they shouldnt be together. He wants to see me again and I've said I'll sleep on it and talk to him later in the week. Part of me thinks I should go for it and enjoy, the other part off me tells me to run for the hills......

[Lizzabadger]

Run

[Antalya1]

OH...difficult one..I know what I would do...so the sensible thing is to do exactly the opposite of me!!! he's in a mess, you can't sort this out for him and be the 'fixer' only he can.. Brownie points to him though for having the good grace to call and explain.

Possibly keep in touch by text/phone but leave it be for a while..why would he be worried about his daughter? was he specific...someone new in his life? trauma of the break-up? ...did he explain why the panicky text today, in his heart does he want to be back with his ex?....be careful, after only six months you're really vulnerable yourself

[gtamom]

I'd steer clear of him for at least 6 months, as he seems unsure himself of what is ahead.
Best he makes any decisions regarding his marriage without feelings for another person involved, iyswim.

[TDaDa]

This guy sounds like a fulltime Plenty of Fisher. He is probably lining up dates and playing the numbers game and then going with his most preferred offer....so you were on his final few list but then he got lucky with his most preferred offer....just a theory.....stay clear of him.

Complement use of online dating with RL interaction e.g. sports, gym, charity work

[proudmummyof1]

Thanks for all of the great advice everyone, I agree about the RL interaction TDada, I've been going to the gym and go out with the girls from work. He's been texting this week & I've spoken to him and arranged to go on a date tomorrow night, I think were both quite vulnerable and we've agreed to just take it slowly and have fun. He's not married gtamom and I believe that his relationship really is over but he misses his daughter and it seems she's being used as an emotional pawn at times. I probably worded things wrong earlier antalya, he's panicky that if his ex finds out that he's seeing someone else she would turn nasty, he says his ex drinks quite a lot and this affects her mood. I can sort of relate to what he's saying about his dd, I know that my ex is worried about someone else being introduced into our DD life and this tears him apart when he thinks of it but I've got no intention of introducing her to anyone for a long time, I just want to go out and have some fun and if this in time leads further that would be nice but if not at least I'll hopefully have got some of my confidence back