just feel nothing i do is good enough for everyone else

[canella]

i'm a SAHM with 3 dc (9, 6 & 4) - we've had a busy 4 weeks since dc1 broke up for her holidays and it just feels like no matter how much i do its never enough for dh & the dc.

DH's out at work 11 hours a day leaving me on my own with the dc. I do all the housework, all the washing, all the meals as well as nearly every day doing fun things with the kids.

so yesterday dd wanted to go to town to buy some things with gift vouchers she got for her birthday - i only had till 12.30 till i had to pick up the other 2 dc and there was an arguement because she wanted to watch the tv a bit longer and didnt want to get ready. I was putting my own plans on the back burner to happily go and do this with her but there still has to be a fight.

ds1 had been at a birthday party all afternoon and came back overtired shouting at everyone especially how he wanted to watch dd play on her nintendo DS and she didnt want to play on it.

ds2 had an hour on the computer and was screaming at me because i told him it was enough and dinner was ready!

so then dh comes home - i think he's got a bit of OCD - he's super organised and tidy and although i'm not to his level our house is clean and tidy nearly all the time. But yesterday was a busy day and I'd done no hoovering/mopping (done 3 loads of washing as well as all the kids stuff and the weekly food shop!!).

so he says hello then wanders round the house looking for things he can tidy. this used to bother me but i understand its just how his brain is wired and if he needs to do this to relax then i just let him. but then he starts asking "why are the chairs in the wrong place?" & "why is there some wee on the bathroom floor". not said in an aggressive tone just said in a "why havent you sorted this tone". Why didnt he just fix it himself - its his house too!

I told him again (happens regularly) that i do not like him talking to me like that when i actually cant often do anymore in the day! it just feels like no matter how much I do, it can ever be enough for the dc or for him.

I havent spoken to him since because i need him to see how demoralising it is to be constantly criticised - now that i've typed it, it seems petty but this his constant way of talking to me about house things.

i just feel low about our family situation at the mo - i had a good cry last night but dont feel any better at the moment.

sorry if this is a bit long and rambly - i just need to get it off my chest.

[mittz]

Oh lovey...you sound so demoralised. Can you sit and talk and make a plan when it is calm and not an issue?

[mummytime]

I would suggest you make some time to talk to your DH about how you feel. He probably doesn't know.

You DD is being typically teenagery, I know she's a bit young but they do start early. Tell her she has to be ready by x o'clock if you are going into town for her, remind her 1/2 before and then 10 minutes. If she isn't ready, nearly ready 5 min before just say, oh so we're not going then. Then go and do your own stuff. Don't argue.

Send them to their rooms if they are shouty. Boys often find getting off the computer hard. We did give my son a timer for a while, so it was it telling him to get off not me.

Also tell your DH you need time off. (You can give him one of those how much is a wife worth articles to show him he can't afford you to have a breakdown.) My book group often kept me sane.

The summer holidays are nearly over, and we all have bad days, especially with 3 or more.

[ModreB]

I had a similar situation a couple of years ago. A couple of days on strike sorted it out. By going on strike, I did do the bare basics, eg made sure that they were fed etc, but also DID NOT do any of the extras, no lifts to friends houses, no puddings, no going for treats, food was on the table at a specified time, and if they wernt there, they went hungry or ate it cold.

Just because your DH works outside the home, does not mean that he is absolved of responsibility inside the home. You are a sahm, not an employed cleaner, cook, laundress, childminder, washer-upper or mediator between your DC's. Your job is to mother, not skivvy.

[canella]

thanks for the replies! its been reassuring that i'm not being entirely unreasonable in being upset.

mittz - i am demoralised - i really feel i do my absolute best for everyone in the family and it gets thrown back in my face that my best is not enough. the fighting from the kids is also getting me down and feel i'm not winning at trying to stop them battering each other.

mummytime - sadly for our relationship i think my dh does know it pisses me off when he speaks to me like this but this is the longest i've held my "pissed-off-ness" because it needs to stop. but we do need to sit down and discuss ways to make sure i never feel this low again! i do agree that the summer hols dont always help relationships and we've not really stopped since they began!

i'm not the best SAHM i dont think - i really need the time to myself. we're not in the UK - the boys normally go to kindergarten every morning for 4 hours and obviously dd is at school and i so need that time to myself. yeah i still do a lot of housework etc in that time but its always easier to do when i dont have to stop every 2 mins to seperate the fighting! i've not had 5 mins to myself in the last 4 weeks - sure thats not helping!

modreB - i thought a strike would be a good idea if he doesnt stop talking to me like this! i think he really thinks because i'm at home then everything to do with the kids/house is my responsibility. and do you know i dont mind doing most of it but to do and then be criticised for doing it is just a slap in the face!

he's been at work this morning so will see how things are when he comes home! thanks again for the good ideas!

[mittz]

The other thing I found that might need to be addressed canella, is that as a result of their Dad's hyper-criticalness. I now have two very very critical DC's. They are mini parents who snip and snipe in a parental way and it is taking time to unravel.

'I am not the best SAHM I think'...by whose standards? Instead of listing what you feel you aren't doing...just tot up in your head what you DO do. You'll be exhausted just reading it!

[LadyLapsang]

Hi there,

It sounds like your DH lacks insight into what you actually do. Maybe you should book a weeks holiday and let him look after the children and the home, he can take a week off. If this is too radical an idea then have a few weekend days off and book something regular for you, like a sports class or book club.

[canella]

mittz - i do think my dc are already a bit critical of small things - think i'll have to make an effort to nip that in the bud.

I explained to all the kids and to DH yesterday that the way they are speaking to me and acting somtimes is just not acceptable and when they speak to me in that tone of voice i will just walk away.

dh was on his best behaviour yesterday but dd twice shouted in my face about nothing important - i didnt even acknowledge her - i just walked away and she came after me to apologise.

will see if it works the next time dh does it!

ladylapsang - i've got a few days away booked at the beginning of october but taking ds1 with me!! not quite a total break but he's the easiest of the 3 dc at the mo!

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Canella, you are an inspiration! Well done for keeping your cool and just turning on your heel and refusing to engage!

I only have 1 dc, and a nightmare P who is not only critical, but resents any attempt or insinuation that he ought to do any more than sit on his behind and complain, while actually saying frequently and openly that any form of house work is beneath him.

Once you get into the routine of coaching those around you to treat you properly, it'll get easier.

I will say though that you are potentially missing a trick with your 3dc. My DS is 4 and can handle the odd chore here and there. So I think that you need to farm out some responsibility, and create a reward chart perhaps to get them to compete in the house hold chores.

Team this with your refusal to be belittled, and pandering to their micro criticism, and you dear girl will be well on the way to being treated properly, but also teaching them the effort that goes into what you do, so it ought to clear up the clever remarks!

Bring in the routine/rota soon and you will help the house to be running better while you are away.... Or of course you could NOT implement it till afterwards, to teach that DH a lesson..... [evil grin]