difficult to explain

[copco54]

I am a male lurker who occasionally looks for an insight into womens minds and is always surprised. Basic info, in 40s with girlfriend of nearly 2 years. My history is fairly simple with 2 long term relationships/marriages. Hers is more colourful but was more stable for the past few years. We live in the EU but not UK (and so mn is pretty safe).

My issue and I fear to be flamed is that I sometimes have a problem with the fact she was abused as a child. Her father died over 10 years ago, she reconciled with him before he died but that was after a court case that was dismissed for lack of evidence. Most of the details came out whilst very drunk so my picture is not perfect. There was no penetration but it did occur over a few years. She has older sisters and I remember saying it was probable at least one of them had also been abused and she agreed. A couple of her sisters (not the one she has mentioned as probable) also have psychiatric issues, but I have no reason to believe this is connected.

Whilst I really wanted to know the past there are times when I wish I never knew. There are times when I get out of focus ?flashbacks? of something which I could never have seen.

We haven?t talked about this for some time. It is the elephant I would dearly like to ignore or kill. I have made clear that I have issues when his father is made out to be a great man in general talks amongst the family. There will never be a good way to deal with it but what is the best given the circumstances? If this sounds self obsessed, sorry but this is how I feel at the moment.

[loopyloops]

It does sound a little self-obsessed.

I don't think you can have a very strong relationship unless she feels able to talk to you about the things that upset her. Not all the time, but not just when she's drunk.

It is not for you to feel angry, you must be supportive, and give her the time, trust and patience that she needs.

I think you should, very gently, and giving her the option not to, ask her about it and open up the channels of communication.

[emmyloulou]

Erm, can you not just be there for her? If you feel bad about it and how it's all been brushed away how do you think she feels?

Try counselling together? I am not saying too much but I know of people in quite a similar situation and it's never been an issue for the OH. Something he knows about and understands etc, so maybe you need couples counselling?

[copco54]

I do feel bad for her, but she has made it clear that it is history for her. I admire her for that strength but this is very new territory for me (and I hope everyone else)

[loopyloops]

I don't really understand your problem. Are you upset for her or yourself? Do you want to support her or do you want a bit of drama?

[mousymouse]

does the family know?
my sister was abused by my grandfather and she told family years later. they were shocked but not surprised and somewhat relieved that someone made a start of telling the truth.