Help, advice please from people who have experience of 'toxic' families?

[Mummynator]

Advice from anyone who has experience of dysfunctional/toxic families would be extremely welcome. Am a regular but have changed my name to protect other peoples identities.

I am beside myself with worry for my friend, who I will call X. X has always had a very difficult relationship with her mother but I didn't quite how bad until the last two/three years or so (have known her more than 20 years). It's all been kept very well hidden.

Without going into great detail (not my place to do so), her life has been blighted by this woman who is - and believe me, I do not say this lightly - a sadistic bully. If I described some of the things she has done you would probably not believe me, they are so awful.Her father has essentially condoned his wifes appalling behaviour and has never stood up for my friend. So IMO he is just as bad.

Scene setting - X lives some distance from me (this is relevant), however we are very close and she tells me things that she wouldn't share with anyone else. She's a lovely person.

However, she's suffered from some health issues which mean she has had to have a
major op.

Now, the op was two weeks ago and she is still recovering. She had been counting on support from her bloke who basically decicded, two weeks beforehand, to up sticks and leave her to it. She was (or felt she was forced) into a situation where she had to ask her parents - felt she had nop other option.

I must stress that if she was closer to me I would have looked after when she came out, no questions asked but distance makes that impossible (I'm a single, working mum with little practical support)

So, mother has come down to "help". This has taken the form of, among other things, forcing my friend to tidy up the flat when she got home from hospital (after a serious abdominal operation), and screaming at her for being stupid when her stitches started bleeding. Now, I know about all this because my friend is telling me about this. She won't stand up to her mum and tell her to leave because she is terrified of her - well, terrified of her behaviour I guess (she screams abuse, shouts, throws things etc).

I feel powerless because I don't know what I can do to help. I have offered to talk to people, speak to her family, but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to start issuing instructions to her (do this, do that etc)as that would be just another form of bullying, wouldn't it? And while its very distressing and frustrating for me to hear this stuff and not be able to help it must be so much worse actually dealing with it.

I'm angry at this woman for treating my lovely friend in such a cruel way, and desperately frustrated and upset that I can't do anything to help (I offer but she says no and just seems to feel she has to put up with it).I wish she would tell her parents to piss off but of course easy for me to say and I know it is so much more complicated than that, of course.

What can I do to help, if anything? She says just talking helps but I am finding it increasingly difficult to just 'listen', because teh details are so distressing. I really don't know what to do for the best here. Can I do anything? Should I just butt out? Should I distance myself?

My god, what an essay. Thanks for reading!

[SkylineDrifter]

Don't know what to advise, but this is shocking. If you're not able to get up to see her and help (understandable with your situation) the only thing you can do is to be there for her at the end of the telephone.

[Mummynator]

It is shocking Skyline. Sadly, circs mean I really can't be there otherwise I would be, no questions asked.

I told my own mum a little of what was happening and she was appalled by it.

I have thought of telling mutual friends but am concerned that could make it worse iyswim?

[MOSP]

Don't butt out or distance yourself. Just being there to listen to her is invaluable. Nothing you say can make her do something about it (i.e. getting her mother out of hr life). But when she is ready to do what she needs to do, she'll know your support is reliably there.

[Mummynator]

Thank you MOSP.

I think its good for her to keep hearing how out of order and unacceptable her mother's behaviour is.

I simply don't understand how anyone can be so cruel to their own child :(

[MOSP]

I imagine (might be wrong) that her is struggling with feeling of obligation towards her mother, simply because of her status as 'mother'.

Maybe you could drip feed her the possibility that it is, in fact, ok to ditch a toxic family member if they are not ever going to change.

Are there any threads on mumsnet where people describe doing that, and how they worked towards it?

Just keep being there for her. She'll free herself when the time is right.

From my experience, I know that nothing could have made me leave my abusive ex any sooner or any later than I did. But my faithful friends were such an asset when the time came.

[IfGraceAsks]

What a horrid woman. I'm so sorry your friend's going through this, and glad she can talk to you.

I'd be inclined to ring her GP - well, okay, you'll probably have to talk to the receptionist - about your fears. Tell them about the housework & the split stitches; see if the doc will agree to a home visit. In better times, she could have been admitted back to hospital. Fingers crossed the doc can get her supported somehow, anyway.

[IfGraceAsks]

MOSP - Yes, there are such threads: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1019766-statley-homes-thread-dysfunctional-families

Look forward to seeing your friend on that thread, OP :)

[IfGraceAsks]

Bother. Stately Homes link.

[Mummynator]

I have pointed her to the stately homes thread before MOSP and mentioned that there is support out there.

I remember her saying to me when she was in hospital, about wishing she had a nice mum, who cared. Very sad :(

[Mummynator]

Thank you Grace :). I will pop along and have a look.

[Mummynator]

I don't know if calling the GP will help..would they speak to me? She's in London so I expect home visits are at a premium.

She is able to get to the hospital by herself (think she is relieved to get away from her horrible mother) so don't know if they would agree?

[mummytime]

If you can phone the GP I would try, especially if instead of resting she is doing work which makes her stitches leak. They might be able to get a district nurse out.

[Mummynator]

Thank you, I will.

I don't know the name of her GP so I'll need to get that from my friend but anything that helps has to be worth a try.