Exhusband and new baby

[patiencerunout]

My ex-husband [we aren't divorced] has fallen for the oldest trick in the book and is now a father-to-be - not entirely from choice and not entirely willingly. She told him she had a special machine that stopped her becoming oregnant...words fail me. How do I deal with this gracefully? We did not have children as he categorically didn't want any; he's middle-aged and is desperate with anxiety about the future as he barely knew the girl when she announced her pregnancy. He is doing all the right things; what can I do to support him? His happiness is of paramount importance to me and watching him deal with a situation he did not choose is very difficult. Help.

[Tortington]

erm. not sure why you want to support your ex

[Fluffypoms]

sorry dont know what advice to give you.

but i do want one of those special machines

[KiwiKat]

It doesn't seem to work, Fluffy.

That's nice of you to want to support your ex, Patience. Are you hoping to reunite?

[msboogie]

pity they didn't invent a machine to stop stupid middle aged men from being stupid.

why do you care so much? he's your ex. He should have kept it in his pants if he was so against having kids.

I hope that's not the reason you split up...

[Anniegetyourgun]

Not a helpful comment after the event, but it should be a lesson not to have unprotected sex with someone you barely know! Presumably she had a special machine to prevent STDs too...

[patiencerunout]

Yes, agree about keeping it in his pants but it's a bit late for that now. I care because I love him; he needs all the support he can get and I want to behave decently.

[patiencerunout]

my views exactly... anyway, it is what it is and he is well aware of what a dope he was. So

[shimmerysilverglitter]

The only way I would be interested in this is because this child would be half sibling to mine. I would want to know the basics of what was going to help my own children to deal with it.

Otherwise I would just be thinking What a Tit he was.

[KiwiKat]

In that case, I would simply tell him that you know this turn of events will be something of a change/new area for him, and you're happy to support him in your new role as friend. Very civilised, I like it!

[patiencerunout]

Yes, he's a tit - we've all been tits in our time. The nub of it is that I'm not brimming with kind feelings towards the mum, and as this baby will be in my life too, I want behave properly and dump the murderous feelings that well up in me.

[skidoodly]

He didn't fall for a trick.

This is what he chose when he decided to have unprotected sex with a woman he barely knew.

His happiness isn't paramount anymore, is it?

Soon he'll be a father and will have to start putting someone else first.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Hmm, I'd be after a paternity test if I were you. If he doesn't know her all that well he won't know whether she has been with anyone else, and a woman who'll tell the "machine" story is either dishonest or deluded enough to tell a guy he's the father because it suits her, rather than because she genuinely knows it's true.

[patiencerunout]

Am doing just that - which has caused a huge fuss as he has told her that he has no intention of not seeing me and he wants me to be part of the baby's life - this went down like a lead balloon...

[skidoodly]

If you have murderous feelings towards a woman who has done nothing wrong, and think you might take them out on a little baby, then the best thing you can do is step the fuck away from this situation.

It doesn't really have anything to do with you anyway.

[walesblackbird]

If you're separated why would the baby be in your life as well? You say that you have no children so presumably once you're divorced then there's no need to maintain contact?

Whilst I can't say I have much time women like this he's made his bed .... he had the fun, now he has to live with the consequences.

[patiencerunout]

Yes, all his friends have said that, and I strongly suspect - without being disloyal to women - that she has manipulated this situation entirely - and as a single parent myself, I resent the hell out of women manipulating men into being fathers. When I became pregnant - years before I met my husband - I went to great lengths to ensure that the father didn't feel obligated; it was my mistake. I get so angry at these girls who want babies to complete themselves and don't think about the actualities of being a parent.

[FranSanDisco]

I am sorry to say this but you sound more like his mother than his ex. You say his happiness is paramount but what about your happiness and your future?

[patiencerunout]

Oops - feelings for baby not murderous.. sorry for the misunderstanding. Just jealous of mum and sorry that another baby is being born to indulge a romantic fantasy.

[skidoodly]

A man who fathers a child should feel obligated - men who stick their unclad penises in women's vaginas are making a choice to become a father should a pregnancy be the result.

You are way too angry to be involved in the life of this baby.

The baby is the important consideration here, not you, not your dimwit fuckhead machine-believing husband, and not this woman who may or may not have intended to get pregnant.

Your intentions here are not honourable. Step away.

[patiencerunout]

Thought someone might say that.. ouch. Ah well, maybe I am way too dependent on him - I'm not unfamiliar with the term co-dependence. But judging from half these posts, isn't it usual to maintain a warm and friendly relationship with an ex? Just because we were hopeless at being married doesn't mean we are not able to be very close friends..

[patiencerunout]

btw, to skidoodly - my intentions are utterly honourable; the baby IS the most important consideration, that shold go without saying. All I wanted was some feedback and I'm certainly getting it!

[DinahRod]

Paternity test. Is he stupid gullible for believing this woman and her "machine" [mind boggles] or perhaps you are to believe what ex is telling you?

[DinahRod]

Does this mean you are still essentially hb and wife but without the sex which he gets elsewhere? Or is he in a relationship with the OW?

[walesblackbird]

I'm married for second time and I can't imagine ever having a warm and friendly relationship with my ex. We divorced because we weren't getting along, weren't compatible. He now has his life and I have mine and once it was over I didn't want him in my life - and neither did he.

[patiencerunout]

Thanks to all, especially Kiwikat.. need a cup of tea, to assimilate collected opinions and calm down. Am grateful for all input and will be back for more.