Anyone around to interpret this odd male behaviour and hold my hand a bit ?

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

I can't quite believe this.

We've been having some anxieties recently - we are both huge worriers.

He is very stressed at work, and also still mourning the end of his marriage 6 months ago. Long story, but she left him and he doesn't want to get back together with her, feels she's a despicable person etc, just mourning the loss of that life.

I have been feeling a bit insecure, justifiably it seems now. I've had some pretty shit relationships with ego maniacs and narcissists before this one. He couldn't be more different from them, and I've been anxious to make it work.

We've only been together a couple of months, but have known each other for 8 yers. Nearly go together 5 years ago, didn't, and have both regretted it ever since. So quite a weight of expectation on our new relationship.

As far as I'm concerned, he's the one, and nothing has happened to change that.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, we were chatting about our respective anxieties. He was saying that he did have doubts about whether it would work out in the long term, but that he wanted to keep on because he really has such strong feelings for me and so on. We were planning a camping trip next weekend, chatting about a friends party we were going to in a few weeks, and later on, he was going to be introducing me to a couple of his friends who have just moved nearby.

Then, 10 minutes later, he says no, he's changed his mind, he's ending the relationship, and he's going home. And off he goes.

A couple of minutes later I get a call from a mutual friend saying that he's coming to get me because P has phoned and told him we've split up and I'm upset. I ended up spending the night on this friends sofa because I couldn't face being alone.

I've (probably stupidly) sent P (ex-P?) a text asking if we can talk today because I'm really struggling to understand what has happened and why. He's ignored this so far. The mutual friend has also tried to call him to no avail.

So I'm completely baffled. We were so happy to have found each other again, were having a great time, and I simply don't understand what has caused this. I feel absolutely terrible - devastated, and really angry that I've been treated like this

It's all very out of character for him too.

Any ideas?

[SleepingLion]

I can't really suggest anything helpful/positive, but it does seem to me that if his marriage ended six months ago and you got together two months ago (ie only four months after his marriage ended), that is very little time for him to come to terms with the end of one relationship before embarking on a new one. I would have thought that after four months, he would still be stumbling around in a shell-shocked daze rather than in a healthy emotional place to start a new relationship - which should be fresh and exciting and fun?

I feel for you but from what you say, I can't say I'm surprised that his head's all over the place. And with your anxieties and insecurities too, I think that there was just too much pressure on this relationship. But he should at least talk to you - it's just cruel and cowardly not to.

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Thank you for replying sleepinglion.

I've got my dates wrong actually - they split 6 months before we got together, but yes, it is very soon.

I hope he's talking to someone about this too.

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Shameless bump 'cause I really need someone to talk to...

[Jazzicatz]

I think SleepingLion sums it up, he is still very much getting over his marriage and is not really in the right place emotionally to deal with a new relationship. As you said there is an expectation for your relationship to work and this would obviously increase the emotional stress. It sounds like you both need to deal with your previous experiences before embarking on a life together. I am a firm believer that if the relationship is meant to be it will happen, but sounds like you both need to deal with the past before you can move on.

[Flighttattendant]

Gosh, how weird of him.

Do you think he rang the mutual friend?

That's what doesn't make sense, that he has asked this friend to 'take care of you' when he had no way of knowing if you were that upset or not.

It seems almost manipulative to 'make' you upset then get someone in to sort it out.

The only thing that did cross my mind was whether he might have been planning to do something stupid, and wanted you to be with someone because of that? But it's far fetched and I don't want to freak you out further.

Your first paragraph rang alarm bells for me - calling his ex 'despicable' while 'mourning' the relationship - what does that say about him. Where is his part in it going wrong, and why did she leave?

He does sound a bit confused and a bit unstable - and definitely not ready for a proper relationship yet.

I think in a way you are well out of it. I'm sorry. but someone with such enormous issues needs to be alone till they sort themselves out - I'm talking about him btw not you.

How do you feel now, are you OK about being on your own - do you have social life, friends, work to fall abck on?

I am really sorry for you, it must have been such a shock.

[SassySusan]

Hmm... well he's certainly eratic...

When people behave strangely and say lots of contradictory things it is almost pointless to try and second guess what's going on in their heads - even he may not know himself. You can only go on his actions - which were to leave...

I would lay low, lick your wounds and do not call him. If he comes back, tail between his legs - he may well - he will have some explaining to do. Don't take him back too easily!

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Thank you for your replies, it really helps to be able to talk about things on here
He rang our friend because he could already see when he left how upset I was.

His marriage ended because his wife had a string of affairs with women. So no coming back from that really, and understandable that he is still feeling awful.

I feel truly terrible, but am hopefully seeing a friend later and will probably hit the bottle, which is a very unhealthy strategy I know but at least it will knock me out for a bit (DD is with her father until Wednesday, and I'm not working until Tuesday).

He did just ring. He says that he feels unhappy but doesn't know why, and that if we continue to see each other we'd probably just be having this conversation in a few months time. On the other hand, he says he doesn't know why he thinks it won't work out, there's nothing he isn't telling me, and that he really, really likes me. My view is that if we were having this conversation in three months time, having had a proper shot at things, it wouldn't be so bewildering.

He's very, very stressed about work - preparing for some sort of assessment that will take place in the first week of September. I think he will probably feel a lot better once that's out of the way, and he should hang fire on making any decisions about us until then. He didn't really reply to that. He's going to call me again later, so we shall see if he's making any more sense by then.

Thanks again for the support. It really helps.

[msboogie]

He sounds like too much hard work. It really should be like this.

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Yes, he's hard work, emotionally, but I felt he was worth it. Actually I still do.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Right now, there is nothing you can do to make him take a deep breath and turn in to a nice, non-whining partner. Yes, he's still in shock from the end of his marriage and basically at the moment he is far too self-obsessed - as unhappy people always are - to be much use in a relationship. So take a deep breath and take care of yourself for the moment. If he gets in touch again tell him that you b9oth need a break to sort out your anxieties, that you care about him but think he might benefit from seeing a counsellor or something (what you don't want to do is be his unpaid therapist until he feels better, at which point he will have transformed you, in his head, into 'therapist' and will fuck off with someone new).

[Jazzicatz]

You have said yourself that you have had some difficult relationships, I understand because I have too.

But, often we go for someone we think is opposite of what we have known, and we think that they are good for us and so forth. It sounds like you are going for a man who is emotionally sensitive, which on the surface looks good, but actually is problematic in other ways.

We get used to things being shit so we don't realise it when its happening. I think it sounds like you both need to be on your own and you need to get some help understanding your past experiences before you carry on with this relationship!

[Flighttattendant]

Ah it makes a bit more sense now.

Sorry, Moist, but my feeling on this is that he just isn't ready to be involved with someone he doesn't wish to hurt.

He is struggling badly with something and has had the decency to do the right thing and tell you he isn't feeling up to a relationship at the moment.

You should respect this as he is being respectful of you by telling you.

It sounds like he is just in a bit of a state. There's no reason he shouldn't recover with some time, and then perhaps you can try again...but there's nothing worse than trying to force a relationship with another person (even if you like/love/respect them) when your heart is in a state of grief or confusion.

Sorry - probably not very comforting. I hope you are able tomaintain what is clearly a loving and supportive friendship though if nothing else just yet.

[msboogie]

sorry I meant to say it really shouldn't have to be like this

no, "hard work, emotionally" is NOT worth it, he wouldn't be such hard work if he cared half so much about you as he does about himself.

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Thank you, this is all good advice

Jazzi - I had been on my own for quite a while and thought I'd made pretty good progress with working out what was going on in previous relationships and why I kept making the same mistakes. I was so delighted when this one came back into my life because he is so different. But you're right, I didn't realise that he came with some pretty unsurmountable challenges too.

[Flighttattendant]

Moist. I had also been working on my own behaviour in relationships and recently got together with someone I had known several years...parallel lives we're having! And it all seemed to be wonderful, but then he turned out to have some very different ideas to what I had expected and I was hurt.

I think some of it was me expecting him to be great because he was familiar. iyswim.

It's a very easy thing to fall into - wanting someone you are familiar with, because it seems so conforting. I can totally understand how excited you were and how upset you are now he has changed his mind - even if it's only a temporary setback I would allow him some space to do as he needs.

Understanding his needs is going to make you more attarctive to him. But whether you want the increased workload at the expense of YOUR needs is another matter.

I didn't mind almost-ex-dp being self serving and working through his own issues but it wasn't going to work on my time. I need more than he can offer so I am not going to try and get it from him...it would be pointless and make me look deranged

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Oh Flight, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope your situation resolves itself well. You must be feeling pretty shitty too

And thanks again for your wise words and advice. I am actually starting to see this from his pov now, and will explain that to him later (if I'm not too plastered ) I'm going to suggest we try to maintain a friendship, as you suggested, but we have minimal contact for three weeks until his work situation is dealt with, and see how we're both feeling then.

Does that sound OK?

[Flighttattendant]

Oh, thankyou - I'm fine, now, have had a hard couple of weeks. But you can't make something that's not there iyswim.!

Ok, well it sounds like you have a plan. But I would keep the deadlines and dates to yourself. Say you are happy to stay his friend and will be there if he needs you.

Anything else, an attempt to keep him to a timetable or a further commitment (even to talk about it again further down the line) is going to appear to be about your needs, not his, and he has said he only hs the capacity to cater to his own at the moment. So it could potentially push him away.

Hope this makes sense. I'm sorry, it must be horrible to be disappointed after so much hope x

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Thanks for your understanding Flight.

When we spoke again yesterday, I said that I wanted to be friends and we should keep talking. He said that that was a lovely thing to hear from me, and that's what he wants too. So we'll see.

I feel hugely crap and self pitying today though. I'm sure yesterday's industrial quantities of wine didn't help either

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Oh fuck

Now I've just seen that he's been logged on to Soulmates today! WTF?

[minibmw2010]

Unfortunately I think you just have to accept that he, very clumsily, dumped and ran .... very sorry.

[Flighttattendant]

soulmates? You can log on there in order to change your profile, tell people who have messaged you to F off, or anything really. It doesn't mean he is looking for someone to replace you.

The only reason I ever go there any more is to look at matches and laugh because they look like a bunch of gangsters and butchers

this is about every 3 months btw

don't assume, particularly after what he said yesterday which was very nice

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

He hadn't been logged on there since before we got together

Really want to ask him about it but obviously I can't

I am totally baffled

Surely someone who is in so much turmoil wouldn't be looking for a replacement so quickly. Has been lying?

[Flighttattendant]

IMO he probably felt like he was being fraudulent still having an active profile on there and wanted to change the settings or something, if he isn't up for a relationship.

But I'm not sure, and you have no way of knowing. Try to stop torturing yourself, this isn't your problem any more - it is his own business.

Dear you have to let go and move on - if he really lieks you he will come back to you.

[PaigeTurner]

I'd also remind you that when a guy says he'd like to be friends going forward that's exactly (and only) what they mean. If that's going to be too painful for you I suggest you have a total break for a while. Sorry you're feeling so shit.

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Yes. Thanks for wise words. I just need to get a grip [weak ]

He also said that the door on our relationship isn't closed either, and that once he's worked out whats going on in his head he might feel differently about us.

But there's no point me continuing to hope, based on that. I haven't got a clue what the truth of it is now (although it would be very, very out of character for him to lie, and mutual friends have pointed this out).

Aside from how awful I feel (can't do anything or eat anything, and having worrying sweats and shakes), I'm really quite worried about him too. Our mutual best friends (his oldest friend and mine are married) are on holiday and I don't know whether he's talking to anyone or not.

Siorry, I'm just wibbling now, but it does really hlep to get it out on here.