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how do you cope with a (possibly) depressed DH?

8 replies

sjcmum · 21/08/2010 21:14

DH has been massively stressed at work for the last year and has been having increasing numbers of 'down' days. He withdraws into himself, but also gets irritated more easily, he has nearly stopped running (which he used to do all the time) and on bad days just wants to sleep or surf the computer.

I'm finding it v.difficult to see him like this, he's not like his nomral self and don't feel I can do anything to help... exhausted of always being the strong one, and doing the majority of stuff round the house to save him having something else to be stressed about. Trying not to show this to him, as I don't want him to feel bad about making my life tougher too.

Any coping techniques?? Will this get better? Does this sound like depression?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2010 21:23

I would get him to the GPs - and go with him when you do. Make the appt for him asap, do not wait for him to do so because he may not. Do not let him go on his own to the GP; he likely will make up any excuse not to attend any such place.

Am no expert but he certainly seems very depressed (wanting to sleep on "bad" days can be highly indicative of depression). And no it won't get better without some form of intervention from the GP.

Depression Alliance may be useful for you to contact as you need support too.

I hope that with both time and support you can both come through this current crisis.

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Dione · 21/08/2010 21:27

No coping techniques to offer, but there is one thing that you can do: Talk to Him. Try to get him to open up to you through covert methods. If this does not work then be overt. Tell him about your worries, listen to what he says and make a plan together, this may involve give and take, or it may involve him going to his GP and getting professional help.

It does sound like depression, but depression does not always need medical intervention. If the depression is situational (as it sounds in this case: His job) then the best way to deal with it is to change the situation. I know that this is hard for you and if you let him know that, then he may be spurred on to change things.

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hairytriangle · 21/08/2010 21:27

Get him to a GP urgently.

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sjcmum · 21/08/2010 21:39

Thanks for your advice....much appreciated.

We had a good chat earlier, and I stressed how I really thought it had got to the point where he should go to the GP. I think he might do - but is really reluctant to be forced to have medication, which is I think what has put him off going before. He has been in touch with occupational health, and been refered to a stress counsellor, who he has been to a few times. He says it has helped a bit - but ultimately, unless he leaves his job I don't think it is going to change.

Dione - you're right - I do think there is a lot of situational element to this. If there were other jobs to go to out there, he would just hand in his notice and then start looking for something else - but he is reluctant to do this, partly because there aren't many suitable jobs out there at the moment, and also because he has actually done this once before. That time it all worked out fine - but he thinks it won't look good to do it again, and people will think he's a 'quitter' etc (his words not mine)... he has said that pride and stigma are stopping him too. The trouble is, his confidence is so low at the moment combined with the fact that he doesn't seem to have the mental energy - means that he's not really in the right frame of mind to job hunt. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do, feels totally trapped etc.

Something has got to change - I'm just not sure he can see a way out at the moment though.....

sorry turned into rather a long post...

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Dione · 21/08/2010 21:58

The good thing about going to see the GP is that your DP may be able to sign off on the sick for a while and he can be prescribed medication that will be enable him to clear his head sufficiently for you all to make plans to escape this situation.

Financially you all may feel trapped, but sometimes the fact you have a plan to get out of it (medication helping him overcome his insecurity or give him strength to start part time re-training) it can really help.

I may have to suffer flamers with what I am about to say but I know that this is a testing time in your marriage, and you need to be the strong one now. And it sounds like you are doing a sterling job. You are being a brilliant partner and mother and you should take any help and support that is available to you.

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IfGraceAsks · 21/08/2010 22:06

Dione made a good point there, about some time off sick. They won't like it very much at work, but it is a chance for him to regroup and make some plans.

Is he being bullied, or does he hate the work itself? If job cuts seem on the horizon, that could be a hidden godsend!

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IfGraceAsks · 21/08/2010 22:09

Btw, if he has regular counselling & doctor appointments at work, his GP might be willing to sign him off for longer than he would otherwise - that happened to me. My GP said he could feel confident I was making constructive efforts to get well again. I suspect he meant that if I was having to go in for medical appointments, I wasn't skiving!

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sjcmum · 22/08/2010 19:29

Thank you again....I think Dione you are right - a visit to the GP and possibly some medication and/or time off may give him some head space. He had 4 days off sick with stress a few weeks ago, and work were quite understanding. He had a big meeting with them when he went back to try to figure out how he could improve things - but I think fundamentally he has lost faith in the place. It's a big institution with lots of in-politics, and although he likes his immediate managers, they do have a tendency to pile a lot on him. He's too conscientious for his own good, and whatever people tell him, he never seems to believe he is doing a good job - which from what they are saying he is...... just part of his character I think to not be very confident which probably doesn't help. His current contract is up for renewal in a couple of months, but they have already made it very clear they want him to stay.... while he almost wishes they would make him redundant.....

hey ho... we've been out all day with friends today, which was good as it has distracted him, and he's even managed to go our for a run now - but I'm sure there will be another down day round the corner - so must get him to the GP still.

Thanks again for all your help.