Grrrrr....Selfish, selfish, selfish...nice for him

[peckarollover]

Ihave posted about this before. Most of the time it doesnt really bother me but every now and then I just feel soooooooo angry about it.

DH works shifts so he is out of the house quite a lot anyway (obviously this bit cant be helped). I am a SAHM to 5 yr old and 2 yr old.

DH is keen footballer and plays for 2 teams, one on a saturday and one on a sunday. Both normally involve at least one training session during the week as well as the match at the weekend. He is also very keen to watch what football he can on TV normally accomponied with a pint with his mates.

He then also has a certain amount of social life so if hes not at work, at football or watching football he may go and see a friend.

Friday this week he was on night shift so he slept all day friday, went to work at 8pm, went to his mams for a sleep as its nearer football there - got up went to football game then had the obligatory couple of pints afterwards and arrived back here at 6.30pm.

His friend then rang inviting us to a birthday party (we had plans to stay in and watch a DVD together) - I said to him "you go for a little bit if you would like" so he did. Said he would just be an hour just to show his face. Left the house again at 8 got back in at ten past 11.

This morning he got up with DS but then has just left the house at 9am for Sunday football. He said he would be back at around 3pm so thats another whole day at the weekend taking up with HIS activity. He doesnt see a problem because his Mam often looks after DS so i can have a break but I see it as unjust that in a relationship/marriage that he can live this almost single mans lifestyle alongside his family life. I cant so why is it fair that he can?

When I question him about it he is soooo annoyingly matter of fact about it I could kill him - there is no discussing it - he plays football on saturday and sunday and that is just that arghghghhggggggg

When he is around he is brilliant - really helpful with the kids, house etc not a chauvanist in that sense but this football thing drives me up the wall.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo the question is - am I being unreasonable?

[Freckle]

Think I'd be a bit ticked off too, tbh. DH plays cricket, which involves net practice during the week and one match at the weekend. He gave up when I was pregnant with DS3 as he didn't think it was fair to leave me at home with 3 aged 4 and under, but now that DS3 is 7, he has started playing again. He usually takes on of the boys with him, which is a huge help because just one child less changes the dynamics between them and there are fewer arguments.

However, if he practised twice a week and then played on Saturday and Sunday, I think I'd be hiding his box .

[moondog]

No,don't think you are.
You need time off too. You say he works shifts-does that mean that things in the evening are not an option for you?

[peckarollover]

Yeah, I think that is what bothers me most. Its all very well playing football I really support that but HOW can it be fair to be able to take BOTH days at the weekend - it just makes me feel like Im not being treated fairly but he just doesnt seem to see this or sees this but doesnt care anyway.

[Springchicken]

Can sympathise Pecka. Although my DP doesn't do shifts at work he does footie training on a Thursday, Golf on a saturday and then Footie game on Sunday.

What gets to me more than anything is not that he isn't with me and DD, it's how long each activity takes and that DD and I are stuck at home with no car because he's got it with him.
Training is from 6.45 - 10.30 (including travelling and compulsory pint), golf takes at least 4 hours and then Sunday game he's gone from 9 til 1. Grrrrr.

Sorry but i don't know what the answer is, no matter how many times i talk to DP about he it, he still doesn't understand. He honestly belives that i don't like him having time to himslf and doing things with his mates but that is not it at all.

[starshaker]

well my dp goes to every rangers game watches every football game that he can on tv(even if he hates the team) works from 4am-7pm nearly every day comes home for lunch at 1-2 and then he has a go if ive gone out with dd as he isnt getting to see her aaaarrrrgggghhh

[Thomcat]

I hugely sym pathise. My DP doesn't do sport but he's often here but not here iykwim. He'll be in the studio doing music stuff, at the pc learning new magic tricks and so on. The fact he's here makes it slighter better but it's still frustrating. Men have to have a hobby whereby my 'hobby' is my DD and the house etc!

[FeelingOld]

I think it is important that they have a hobby away from the home and involving exercise and the occasional night out with mates but having said that it has also got to balance with home life, I would be very p*ed off if my dh was out evenings and all weekend, there has to be some family time.
Could you tell him that this is really getting you down but you don't want him to give up altogether as you think it is important that he does get some time to himself but maybe only play footie for 1 team instead of 2 therefore he still gets to play but he also gets to spend some time with you.
Good luck and I hope you can find some kind of compromise you are both happy with, after all isn't that what a marriage is about?

[peckarollover]

For me its not so much that I dont get free time across the week as I make sure that I get some. I put DS in nursery one day a week for example so when DD is in school I get a rest then (not in school holidays though) or when I can pin him down on a week night when he is not at work or training I make sure I bolt out of the door and see my friends! But this means time together as a family is much less. It seems like 90% of the time one or other of us has the kids (normally me) but not very often both of us.

I suppose yes I am just bitter and jealous that he has all of these CHOICES. Even if I had a babysitter and could match him hour for hour that he is out 1. I wouldnt do it and 2. its not fair that HE isnt pulling his weight in his family.

It seems obvious to me that he should just play for one team......a compromise I think the word is. In fact last season I laid the law down and said that he wouldnt be playing for two teams again. Then lo and behold he has signed up for two again grrrrr

What worries me is I have just registered as a childminder and when Im working in the week Im going to need a weekend. At the moment its not TOO bad as my week and weekend are all the same but when Im wrecked from working all week where will my weekend come in!? I swear to go I wish we had a 9 day week!

Rant rant rant

[peckarollover]

Yes feelingold, to me that is what marriage is about.

We have only been married for SIX WEEKS!!! So much for honeymoon period eh! I said to him last night would he like me to get a copy of the vows as he seems to have forgotten them.

When he left this morning I sent him a text. "You are behaving like a self centred arsehole our marriage is a joke"

NOT the kinds of things I want to be saying to my new husband

crashing down to earth emoticon

[jenk1]

my DH used to work shifts 13 hour ones and if he wasnt working would be asleep etc, it came to a head when i said he either changed his job or we would have no marriage so he changed his job now works 6am-2pm and we have more time together as a family to do things-have u thought of him changing his job might make a huge difference if hes unwilling to give up his sportslife?

[peckarollover]

In his defence, the job he does enabled me to give up my stressful no money after childcare job! The shift allowance is worh nearly 1k a month which we just couldnt do without