I hate my step father

[grumpygrumps]

I'm in my mid thirties and feel so raw with continuing hatred for him.
Since they married 16 years ago he has controlled my mother to the point where she has to almost ask permission to see me.
She is clever, has a fantastic career and a strong air of authority, so why does she allow this man to dictate when she can and can't see me. In an ideal world for him, life would be perfect if I didn't exist.
How do I accept this situation is not going to change? I feel a deep sense of rejection but also feel now is the time for me to grow up and just accept this the way things will remain - just wish it didn't hurt so much though.
I'm an only child, is this spoilt brat syndrome? I still wail when she gives into him..how do I snap out of it, I'm too old for this shit.

[Karmann]

Are you sure he controls her? You have described your mother as a very strong individual so does he really dictate to her? I'm not so sure.

You wail when she gives in to him? Is she giving in to him or are you just not getting your own way?

[Hassled]

Have you talked to her about how you perceive their relationship and how it makes you feel?

[Nemofish]

I'm too old for this shit too!

He sounds jealous of the relatinship between you and your mother, I cannot get my head around men like this. Tbh I cannot get my head around why women allow men to treat their children like shite, but they do, but it is not because those children are in any way lacking. It is because something is lacking in the parents. So, not your fault. It is important to know that it is not a rejection of you - it certainly isn't spoilt brat syndrome.

So it is their problem, not yours. The only advice I have is to shrug it off, and use other things to boost your confidence and self belief. It is true that at our age, how much 'parenting' do we need?

I wish it didn't hurt so much too, though.

[grumpygrumps]

This has been going on for years.
I've always felt like a black sheep, he has his own grown up children whom have always been welcomed, accepted - had their own rooms to stay in (furnished to their taste) for when they visited but me, he would ask what time I would be leaving the next day if I was to sleep over.
Mum has always said that he is a miserable, control freak but 'anything for a quiet life' she states.
I ring up asking if she wants to meet for a coffee it ends up with him getting the huff.
If mum or I are talking, laughing he gets in a huff.
Whereas before I could just tell my mother how upsetting it was for me to walk into their home feeling so unwelcome, I now feel like finally I just have to let the situation be. She had some tests back today revealing she has signs of MS, therefore I no longer want her to feel torn or add any stress that may contribute to this illness worsening. (So far it's very mild and is not effecting her severely at all).
Tonight I've decided to take a giant step back and let him win - this is obviously why I have been sobbing this evening as I know I have to let go.

[Nemofish]

It is hard to let go.

[atswimtwolengths]

This must be incredibly difficult for you, especially now that she's had an MS diagnosis.

You say she has a career. Would it be possible for you to call her at work, rather than at home? I couldn't stand talking to my mum, knowing someone's next to hear trying to wreck the conversation. At least if she's at work you know that's not happening.

Have you talked openly to your mum and told her that you can't bear her partner and that you wish you and she could have a better relationship? I can't imagine doing this to my daughter - it would really break my heart to think that she felt shut out.

[blinks]

although this affects you more than anyone else in the situation, it actually has nothing to do with you.

you have become a tool so that he can manipulate your mother. you're the perfect tool because he knows your mother loves you more than anything else and therefore putting her in this situation has a massive effect, due to the depth of feeling involved... i would put money on him not being totally aware that this is what he's doing and no doubt he rationalises his actions, putting it down to a clash of personalities or denying his petulant behaviour has even happened. regardless, you know it's happening and your mum knows it happening and that's that.

really it's your mother's responsibility to sort this out. there's nothing you can do to alter things except walk away, have it out with them or continue with more of the same treatment. whatever you choose to do it's important to do it without expectation.

i would wholly recommend getting some counselling before tackling the issue in any way... it really helped me before confronting my parents with historic abuse/behaviour. bottom line is your mother is an adult and you need to stop being used to deflect the blame for someone else's insecurities

[blinks]

by 'nothing to do with you' i mean that you have in no way caused this situation. it should have been tackled properly years ago and your emotional needs should have been prioritised.

[grumpygrumps]

Yes we do both manage to grab a few minutes to chat on the phone when either of us are at work but unfortunately due to a hectic work enviroment it's not quite the same as having a leisurely chat face to face.
Thanks for the friendly pat Nemo, I'm feeling a lot better already and I think your right - it is about boosting my own confidence and self belief, something I've always had a tendency to lack.
I've always made it clear to my mum that I'll always be there for her no matter what and deep down she knows she's married to an ass but this about her now, not me.
Thanks again for the advice.

[grumpygrumps]

and yes blinks, funnily enough this evening for the first time I've actually thought about getting some counselling as I feel I need some perspective...

[blinks]

the counselling i received did exactly that and gave me a deeper feeling of strength. i felt it gave me permission to be really fucking angry. i had been trying to avoid that for decades.

are you scared of having a proper talk to your mum about this? how does imagining it make you feel?

[grumpygrumps]

don't get me wrong, I have in the past spoken to my mum on many occasions regarding his behaviour and in retaliation she has 'had a go at him' telling him his behaviour is unacceptable - so then he backs off for a while but unfortunately slowly the same situation will creep up again, the resentment he feels for me, he just cannot hide and then everything esculates and ends up in tears. That it why I feel it is best to walk away.
The counselling sounds so appealing - permission to be angry and hurt despite my age.

[kittyonthebeam]

GG, I am sorry and for you. I don't think there is any age at which you lose any right to feel hurt or sad about being wounded by someone's behaviour. We all stay human no matter how old we are. If at all, we might be even more sensitive given years of experience and amassed feelings.

Your mother's behaviour sounds unacceptable and your stepfather sounds like an utter jerk, a complete immature waste of space. He clearly is jealous of you, favours his own offspring and rams it home to you whenever he can. No child (and you are still your parents' child) deserves to be treated that way.

Could you write her a letter detailing how you feel? Can you write to him? I think counselling sounds like a good idea. I hope you have close friends and maybe your own Dad who can support you in this situation.

[blinks]

your mum might tell your SF that his behaviour is unacceptable but she then silently accepts it by not taking further action when he does it again.

he knows she'll put up with it so it continues.

of course you know she won't leave him over this or she would have done it by now, so you're caught between a rock and a hard place.

all you CAN do is do what's best for you, put yourself first... you do have options- you could insist that she has to make the contact with you so that you don't ever have to speak to him or see him. that would be reasonable considering his disdain for you... you shouldn't HAVE to be exposed to his poison. if she wants to see you she has to initiate it or have a mobile dedicated to you.

stick up for yourself and don't bend. you have every right to say to her or them together- 'i'm not putting up with this shit anymore'.

then don't.