to give up on men...

[MayaBlue]

I'd just like some moral support please. I'm 53 next month and have been single for around 6 months. Before that was a divorce and more heartache besides.

I'm all the usual things - intelligent, attractive, capable etc and I'd love to have a man in my life to cherish me but I've come to the conclusion it's not going to happen. I've tried online dating and had a couple of relationships but I don't think I can do that anymore.

Sometimes I feel so lonely I could die and the thought of not being in a man's arms again makes me feel so bleak. I almost feel like a freak when I look at all the women around me still in marriages. But I know I have to let go, get on an even keel and really embrace being single. I would so love to hear some encouraging stories and to know
that being manless isn't the end of the world.

[poshsinglemum]

Hi there,

If it's any consolation I've been single for a lot longer than you and I have never even been married so I am much more of a freak!
You are naturally grieving for your marriage. Why not rediscover yourself and take up some hobbies and mabe subscribe to internet dating when you are ready.

[poshsinglemum]

Also, are those women happy necessarily? Read some threads on here and you will realise that they may not be.

[MayaBlue]

Thanks Posh, I'm sure you're no freak. And no doubt a lot younger than me. I think I've grieved for my marriage and have done a lot of online dating and just can't bear the heartache of hoping I'll meet someone.

If only I could just give up on the idea totally and grow old with it.

[ValiumSingleton]

oh yes do it!

It's liberating I think. You can focus on your own goals and plans without getting side-tracked.

I know I would like to make more single friends. I should be proactive in arranging that....

As PSM says, I don't believe that being in a relationship equals happier. I believe that there is a rollercoaster of emotions and some of it is exhilarating ..... Looking back on my own life, I realise that I was happiest for the portions of my twenties when I was single.

Im 40 and I think I'm quite attractive, and I have a good self-esteem, which is why I don't want to offer myself up for comparison to some 25 year old standing behind me! I don't have barriers up around me, who knows, there is a chance my path might cross with somebody who is compatible with me and who appreciates me, or gets me. But I think that the odds are greater that this won't happen.

For the first time though, I am planning my life around the expectation that I will be alone, and I feel like I'm getting things done, saving, making decisions I haven't been pressured into, I can concentrate on the children, don't have to 'nurture' a relationship (which seems to be the work of the woman if you ask me!).

[littlestmummystop]

You obviously don't really want to give up on having a new relationship.. so don't!

No need at all to force yourself to forget it if that's not what you really want.

Just get out there, do things you've always wanted to do, meet new people, try and forget about it for a bit and make yourself happier, pleasing YOU.

Then when you're feeling stronger get back out there.

I am sure there are many many lovely divorced, widowed men who would love to find a new life partner and you sound like a truly lovely person.

It's only as hopeless as you think it is.

[ValiumSingleton]

I think it's hopeless to go out there looking tbh. Get on with life as a single person. I don't even believe that it's not often better to be single.

[RonansMummy]

my mum is 52 and has been single for three years. she enjoys going on occasional dates but has no desire for a relationship, she says she is enjoying being independent. She also says that everyone seems to expect her to remarry and she finds it really strange.

i'm sure she wouldn't say no to a relationship if the right man came along, but she just ian't looking :-)

[MayaBlue]

Perhaps that's what I should do Valium, plan my life around the expectation that I'll be alone. How do you cope with the feelings of lonliness though, when you feel you need a hug? I suppose I always felt I had to be attractive to men to be worth something and only spending a lot of money on therapy will get to the bottom of that!

[ValiumSingleton]

Maybe I don't correctly identify the feelings of loneliness. I'm rarely conscious of feeling lonely. Sometimes I feel stressed and grouchy though, and I bet people would say, ah, needs a shag that one. Perhaps? I don't feel like that's what I need though. I feel like I need more cash and better behaved children.

It's a mindset so many women have, not only that our value is our appearance, but also that we aren't completely whole without a man. Such crap. I think it was UnlikelyAmazon who made me laugh 'til I choked one day on mn, with a thread on here, she said that somebody asked her, "do you miss ordering Indian Takeaways now that husband has gone??" and she was at the suggestion that she wouldn't consider it worthwhile ordering a takeaway 'just' for herself! She wondered if they imagined her crying into her pot noodle on her own every night!

I had never done it, ordered a takeaway for one, so I immediately did it. I'd been separated about a year I think! Made me feel good. TWAS every bit as enjoyable as ordering two Indian takeaways.

[without]

Well I'm 44 and have been single for 10 years, and not by choice.

Sometimes I feel awfully sad because the chances are that I'll never meet someone now. Spent the past 10 years bringing up my kids and so have no real social life either.

But I know for sure though that I'd rather be on my own than in a poor relationship, and being alone doesn't necessariy mean lonely.

I often go to the cinema alone, and am starting to do more on my own too - last year I went on a 6 day city break alone, and I want to go to the theatre alone so I don't miss out on the things I enjoy.

Life is what you make it - take a book or paper when you go out, and then read if you are sat alone, and be brave - the more you do things alone, the easier it gets.

[pinksmarties]

I'm a teeny bit younger than you Mayablue and single for for 2 1/2 years. Divorce/ devastation too.

I'm attractive, etc etc just like like you but I reall don't want another man.

How can you even think that being manless is the end of the world. It's not.

Lying in a man's arms is lovely until they roll over and fart.

I know about 40 women in exactly the same situation as us. Gorgeous lovely women. I'm afraid that we out number the gorgeous lovely men in thier early 50s.

Most of them you wouldn't want to touch with a bargepoll. The others are usually snapped up.


Do you have children, friends, a dog ?

That's where I get my hugs, plus loyalty, faithfulness, honesty and fun.

You'd be hard pressed to get all of that from a new man at our age.

Do you like your own company ? If you do then you're most of the way there.

Do you ever go on threads about all the benefits of being single ? There are many.

I don't plan anything further than next week. Who knows what's going to happen.

You've only been sigle 6 months. That's not long at all.

Don't you dare think of yourself as a freak.

I bet half the women in marriages who you see long to be in your position.

Cheer up.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Human beings do need a certain amount of 'affectionate touch' but you don't have to be in a couple-relationship to get this. Pets, if you like and can manage to look after one, are good sources of cuddles, as are children and friends. If everyone you know is a bit non-tactile, you might actually find something like booking an arometherapy massage makes you feel good.
And it's always good to take up some sort of hobby/interest group that involves meeting other people with the same interest and tbh the more unusual the hobby the more likely you are to meet people who are free of the awful Noah's Ark mindset which can be a barrier to enjoying the single life.

[muggglewump]

Instead of giving up on men, why not celebrate you?

I can't help but think that 'giving up', means you are despertae for one.

Why?

[MayaBlue]

I have cheered up reading these posts, thanks :) I have a child and a pet and some
lovely tactile friends. I slept with one of them last week when we went away for a girlie spa-break together. And she didn't roll over and fart either.

Just really great to know I'm far from being the only one. Nite nite.

[HaworthView]

Sometimes I really do think I'd be better off on my own!!

[iambach]

enjoy having to answer to no one.

find a hobby and put your all into it.

ENjoy a long soak in the bath and an early night with a book and bask in the knowledge that no on is going to read this as 'i'm up for it tonight'


You don't need a man to be happy, happiness comes from inside.

[equinox]

I have to say because after FOUR cohabiting relationships practically in a row I have been single four years now.

It really grows on you and amazingly you get used to it! Truly!

I really don't want a) farting b) snoring c) mess d) late nights disturbing my early ones (I like to get to sleep by 11 and many people don't esp. men it seems).

So I suppose I am saying I wouldn't mind a man at arms length i.e. not to cohabit again.

But I don't NEED one like I used to and certainly am stronger for it.

I hope you feel like this in time and as has been sensibly suggested above just enjoy you!

[backmeup]

I was single for a year, recently felt soo comfortably being on my own stopped thinking about being with someone and hating others and exs tht did.....in that instance I met someone and thought do I really want this, I liked the person sooo much as a friend but he wanted more so It blew up..well still trying to have him as a friend as he cheers me up etc.

Sometimes we have to build, be with ourselves fix ourselves etc etc and then when the unknowing comes because your happy with self thats when it comes out of the blue.