13 year old needs some advice.

[starstrukkk]

Hi i am 13 and i am having a bit of a problem, i have talked to my mum and she sudgested i come on here.

Basically my mum and dad got divorsed and i go to my dads at the weekend but when i go i feel like he dosn't want to spend time with me.

He usually egnores me by going outside or something for a few hours, i still want to see him but i don't want this behaviour to carry on.

I have tried to tell him that i don't like it but it won't work, what should i do?

[ruddynorah]

Did she really? You need to have a proper talk with your dad. What does he say when you tell him you're unhappy?

[rainbowinthesky]

Wanted to respond to you but with no great advice I'm afraid. I'm sure you will get some good advice here though. Do you have to go to see him? Maybe if you went every other week it would be easier for both of you? What was he like as a dad before the divorce?

[tribpot]

Could you write a letter or email to your dad to explain how his behaviour makes you feel?

How often do you go to your dad's?

[Lulumaam]

if i was your mum i would facilitate a proper discussion with you and me and your dad.

if he goes off and does his own thing whilst you are there, i can totally understand why it is upsetting

you need to be blunt, and your mum needs to support you as you are only 13..

have you made suggestions as to what you would like to do? does he dismiss them?

[Karmann]

Is there any way you could tell your dad what you would like to do? I know it's not your responsibility but if you tell him what you'd like he may start thinking about it for himself. Could you write him a list? e.g. cinema, theme park, shopping etc.

Not all parents are natural parents and now that they are divorced he may be struggling with ideas to entertain you.

[starstrukkk]

Hi me again, the awnser to your questions...

I have already rung him and told him i was upset.When i told him i was upset he just re-taliated and just denied that he egnored me.

he does take me out alot its when we are at home that he just goes off and does is own thing outside, but even when we are out we don't talk that much.

It wouldn't be possable for me my mum and my dad to have a discussion without an argument, too much has happened between them, besides my dad would never agree, because of what has happened.

Before the devorse he would take us out alot more but he still egnored me but just not as much.

[Dione]

You are all in a very difficult situation at the moment and I think that you are very mature to seek help for this. Most men (IMHO) are very like your dad, they think that their very presence is enough and are not that good at talking (particularly to teenage girls). They also feel entitled to space.

Something that might help is for each of you to do things together, what are your hobbies, what are his, what would be interesting for you two to do together? If you can find an interest in common, or new experience together that might help you bond and give you guys something to talk about. What is it that he does when he is "outside" and can you get involved with that?

The big questions here are
Do you think he loves you? and
Do you want to stop seeing him?

This can be resolved by talking (be as specific as you can) and possibly changing the amount of time that you spend with your dad, so it is good time for both of you.

[Hassled]

My older children are grown up now but they had the same problem - their Dad (my ex) is a really nice bloke who loves them very much, but it just never occurred to him to come up with a plan for the weekend or arrange anything himself. I think he panicked a bit about what to do, and so did nothing.

But if the kids arrived and said "Dad, I want to see this film, it's on at 2pm" or "Dad, can we go to the park tomorrow afternoon?" he'd be fine with it. Some people just need telling what to do - come up with a plan yourself, tell him that's what the two of you will be doing, and see how it goes.

[starstrukkk]

Thank you, but i have to say that when he is outside he is messing with his cars and when i offer to help he says its dangerous.

I have decreased the amount of time i spend with him by 50% but that was very recent so i do not know if it will work or not.

I think that the idea of a hobbie is a very good idea but i would not know where to begin, he likes cars and i like art, we don't have very much in common.

I have udgested going to places that he will like and that i might begin to like but even in the process he seemed to be more involved in the cars than me.

I do think he loves me but i do not know if i don't want to go because on one hand i want to stay in contact with my dad but then again he just won't listen to me when i say that i don't like him egnoring me.

Thanks for the sugestions though :\

[starstrukkk]

There isn't a problem with us out, he will definately do it, physical needs he understands eg, if i want to go out, we will, but he dosn't understad emotional needs eg, if i am angry or upset at him he will just deny whatever it is and get upset himself and say that he has been a very good dad.

[IfGraceAsks]

It must be upsetting for you, when you don't see your Dad all that often and then it seems he can't be bothered to spend time with you!

You say he will take you out when you ask him, so I suspect he's one of those people who just don't get why people like to spend time together, and are bad at communicating. I wonder if that's part of the reason your parents split up?

Anyway, if he's like that, I'm afraid there's very little anybody can do about it :( As others have said, give him clear instructions about what you want to do when you go out. You could try things like the Imperial War Museum (if you're in London), which appeal to adults as well as children - but I don't think you should tailor your activities to suit him; pick things you fancy doing! It's a good opportunity to try out new stuff & have adventures.

As for the time at home with him, please don't think of it as wasted. Take your own stuff to do - your games, some dvds, your art stuff, homework - and use some time to catch up with your friends online or your phone. Have you ever tried making an artwork of his cars? Would he like that, do you think?

[tribpot]

starstrukk, I think Grace has some good ideas, maybe your dad wants to see your time with him as 'normal', in the sense that sometimes you do stuff together and sometimes you just chill and do your own stuff? You're not 'visiting' him, so to speak, just hanging out in your other home.

But also remember that some dads aren't so good with the emotional stuff, and I know from when I was one, 13 year old girls have a lot of emotional stuff! Of course you need to be able to tell him what you're feeling, but maybe you need to explain that you're not criticising him as a dad, just saying what you feel?

Is your parents' divorce quite recent? Maybe there's also a need to get used to a different way of things happening? I think you should keep going to see him, but I do think he needs to listen to you more. You could print this thread off if you wanted - no-one knows who your mum is so everyone has only said what they're thinking based on what you've written, he shouldn't feel threatened by it.

[Karmann]

I think tribpot has a very good point. Are you expecting to be occupied and included all the time you are with your dad. I can fully understand if you are but when you are with your mum are you being occupied and included all the time?

It's a difficult time for you but maybe making it more normal and relaxed at your dad's will make it easier. Do you have your own space there?

This is not a criticism - just trying to give ideas and possible solutions.

[CheeseandGherkins]

How much time do you spend with him? That might make a difference to how you'd think he "should" be acting.

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Its sounds really difficult because yours and your dad's expectations of the time you spend together are obviously different.

To you, it must seem that you don't see him very often, so when you do, you expect him to spend all that time with you. To him, I assume he thinks you and he should act as you would if he was at home with you all the time (i.e. you go out sometimes and do stuff together but you also spend time doing your own thing). For instance, when you're with your mum, I assume there are lots of times that you are off doing other things (homework, out with friends etc.) whilst your mum does other stuff.

I also sometimes think he may feel awkward because he doesn't know how to talk and interact with a 13 year old girl.

Saying that, I do think he is out of order. You are his daughter and it is his job ultimately to get over any awkwardness he may feel.

My parents were divorced and I always struggled to have conversations with my dad as a teenager. I did go through a phase at around 14/15 when I probably only saw him about once every few weeks. He (and my step mum) would also go out and leave me to babysit my half brothers during my "visits". I would sometimes only see him for about an hour . If its any consolation, we have a fantastic relationship now

Could you do regular but shorter visits ? Maybe just a Friday night/Saturday morning ? Or does he have space for you to take a friend with you for the weekend ? You still get to spend time with him but having another person there might help any one on one awkwardness.

[Aminata100]

Sounds like your mum and dad are playing you out against each other (mum telling you to come on here, dad ignoring you).

I would find a good counsellor to talk to, I'm sure your GP/health centre can give you a list of what is available in your area.