Babies and unsupportive families

[MamaLazarou]

Apologies in advance for long, self-pitying whinge!

We have a wonderful son aged nearly 7 months. My husband doesn't have any family, and mine are completely useless. The few things my mum has done for us (making us lunch when our son was 1 week old, giving us a lift home from the hospital), she has done very begrudgingly and complained about. We have had to cope alone from day 1 and I am so jealous of my friends whose families rally round to help them out when they have their babies.

I am proud of how far we have come on our own, but it's tough, and I can't help feeling cheated and rather bitter about it all. I'm starting to find it difficult to be happy for people who have close, loving families who look after them.

Is anyone else coping alone? How do you come to terms with the resentment? When does it all start getting easier?

[MamaLazarou]

Very good point - thanks! People seem to have to entertain their families an awful lot in return for the support. I'd hate that.

[OnEdge]

That is what I would love, my Mum popping in all the time uninvited. She comes once or twice a week and I can sense she is dying to go home, never stays long and relaxes here with the children. She forgets that she is still my Mum and I enjoy her company, its not just her being with the Grandchildren. Before I had children she would have come round more.

[Earlybird]

Is your Mum generally a helpful/involved/supportive/loving sort of person?

What is your relationship like with her?

Just wondering if you have unrealistic expectations.

Many people i know expect their parents to 'rise to the occasion' and become different people when a grandchild arrives. IME, that isn't what happens if they weren't nurturing people to begin with.

[MamaLazarou]

Yes, she loves being a granny and has been very supportive towards my sister and her children. She says that 'I didn't let her' help me when I first had my baby because I am 'so independent'. I am not - I was in pieces after a harrowing birth, anaemia and secondary infection, and struggling to breastfeed, and was grateful for any help I could get. She visits about every month or so (lives a 40-min drive away). My friends didn't help, either - probably because they assumed my family would be looking after me.

I don't expect her to be a different person now I've got my son, but it would have been nice if she had at least come round and made me a cup of tea and tidied up a bit when I could barely walk. I don't think that's too much to ask.

[violethill]

I don't think it's something to feel resentful about, because many people are in the same boat, whether through geographical distance, death of parents, or just plain lack of interest.

We never had family near, so always coped with everything between us. In some ways it would have been easier to have help on hand, especially at key times (eg one of mine was a Csection, and at one point I had 3 pre schoolers and DH working away) but on the other hand, from reading MN, family help always seems to come at a price, even if its not apparent at the time!

I would continue to feel proud that your family is an independent little unit, and not feel envious, because you never know the reality of your friends' situations!

[Earlybird]

Why do you think your Mum helps your dsis so much, and not you?

Sounds as if you, perhaps, have a different sort of relationship with your Mum than your sister? Presumably it was that way pre-dc?

[toomanystuffedbears]

MamaLazarou, I feel your pain.
I did get more than a little help from my dad and sisters when my oldest two were little even though they were from out of town and could only spend a few days at a time. But in between times it was just me and dh. It is hard. Dh's mother would do gobs of stuff for his sisters but only managed to visit us for three hours after our first was born. Ouch, no kidding.

As StewieGriffinsMom suggested-there can be a negative side to assistance. There is no one to undermine your decisions. There is no one to, well, essentially make your life hell. Let that put a little knowing smile on your face when you are feeling down about it.

Also consider that everyone doesn't feel the same about babies. Babies can cut very close to the personal core for some people. Some completely blow their head gaskets over them (or lack there of). Some have bad experiences and stay away like the plague. So there can be complete freight trains of emotional baggage that make people behave the way they do and we do not get the privlidge of hearing why (not that we'd really want to hear it, iykwim).

My suggestion for coping is to enjoy your little one. I know you are tired, exhausted like never before. Figure out how to shift into a lower gear to get through each task at hand and you can get through the day an hour at a time. But coach yourself into positive thinking about your baby and joy and happiness. Absolutely fill your mind with it so the negative stuff-resentment-can not take root. 7 months-you are through the hardest part! Celebrate and prepare for a moblie baby.

[MamaLazarou]

Some very good points here - thank you all so much for taking the time to read my whinge, and for contributing. I guess it will get easier - have been waiting for it to happen any day now! Thanks everyone, you are all very kind.

[MamaLazarou]

My main resentment is that I didn't get the support I needed in order to breastfeed. I had to give up and switch to formula after 3 weeks as my baby was not thriving. In our area the nearest BF counsellors were in the next village 10 or so miles away. My mum was supposed to drive me there but turned up 2 hrs late, so we didn't make it. I feel that if I'd had more help with the baby, and around the house, I could have expended all my energy in establishing BFing.

A friend of mine is due any day now, and seems to have absolutely everything. She has bags of money and tons of people falling over themselves to help her out. I just know that she is going to find it all a doddle compared to me!

Sorry, I know I sound about five and should grow up a bit.

[moondog]

That's really sad ML.
What does your dh say about all of this?
Have you tried talking to your mother?

[Triggles]

I know it doesn't sound very helpful, but you need to let the resentment go. You cannot base your own happiness on expectations of how you think other people will behave. I have made this mistake with my own family, and it just leads to bitterness and resentment, which your children will pick up on.

Your last post rather skirts on the edge of saying you think it's a bit her fault that you had to give up breastfeeding. I'm sorry it was difficult for you, but let's be reasonable. Don't you have a partner? Friends? Telephone? Access to taxi service? If you were that desperate to get help from the BF counsellors, you could have called them to see if you could arrange a meeting somehow, called taxi to go meet BF counsellor if they wouldn't come to you.....there are always options. You say if you'd had more help with the baby and around the house... wasn't your partner providing this? If you wanted friends to come assist or even company for moral support, I would think all you would have to do is call them and ask.

I agree that it is much better for you to take the time to think more positively and focus on the good things, rather than dwelling on the negative.

[diddl]

Have always coped alone & wouldn´t want it any other way.

Moved an hour away & am now abroad.

We were only an hr away when the children were young & parents/ILs would have helped if necessary, but it wasn´t.

You are an adult married to an adult, you don´t (imo) need "looking after".

[atswimtwolengths]

If she could hardly walk, she DID need looking after!

[diddl]

"If she could hardly walk, she DID need looking after!"
I missed where it said that.

OP-perhaps you give the impression that you don´t need help?

It can be a fine line between having help & then people thinking that they then need to know/be involved in everything else in your lives.

[MamaLazarou]

Triggles, I do blame her a bit for me having to give up the breastfeeding - but not completely, that would be stupid. I was really in a bad way after the birth, and couldn't leave the house with the baby alone. I spoke to a number of BF-ing counsellors over the phone, and got lots of help from the midwives, but really needed face-to-face advice and there is not a home visiting service in my area (next time - if there is a next time - I will be much more insistent about getting the help I need). There were lots of things that went wrong with the BF-ing, and not getting the lift to the counsellor was only one of them. But I did feel very let down by my mum. I know I should have done lots more to get the help I needed, but really, at the time, all I could do was sit and cry.

Diddl - I think I do give the impression that I don't need help - not sure why. Maybe that's where it went so wrong for me.

My husband is very supportive and did what he could. I do have friends, but none nearby, and my closest friend had just had a baby herself and couldn't visit.

You're right, Triggles - I do need to let the resentment go. I'm just not sure how I'm going to do that.

[MamaLazarou]

I'm just making myself feel worse by doing this. Thank you, everyone who has posted here, for being so straight with me and for taking the time to read my posts. There's no easy way to stop feeling the way that I do: maybe time will heal the wounds. Thanks again.

[LadyLapsang]

I do think you sound resentful. You are not unsupported, you have a DH.

I have never expected anything of either of our parents in terms of help or being 'looked after'. My mum has been disabled since I was a child & I counted myself lucky for the years when I didn't have to look after parents as well as a child.

I came home from hospital & just got on with things, there was no paternity leave then. Sure, there were women in my NCT class that had DH or their mum with them for the first month but at some point you have to 'fly solo'. I suggest that either you stop expecting anything of them (so that when they do help you are pleasantly surprised) or just tell them how you feel and what you need.

If things get bad I count my blessings - what about new mums in countries where there is no good healthcare & they lose their babies to D & V, what about those struggling on benefits or caring for children so disabled they will need round the clock care forever? Really we are incredibly fortunate.

[Triggles]

I have to agree that you did actually have support, but you simply seem to be focusing on the lack of support from your mother. And to blame her for you stopping breastfeeding early is denial, IMO, and beyond reasonable. Yes, it was probably disappointing that she wasn't there for you, but it certainly wasn't her fault that you stopped BF'ing. I would venture to say that you are exhausted and stressed, and feel guilty about stopping BF'ing so early (not that you should feel guilty, simply that I think you do!) and you need someone to blame. You sound like you're struggling a bit emotionally, can you speak to someone professionally for some help working through this?

[ambersmummy68]

Sometimes you just have to accept the way people are in life. My relationship with my mother is difficult, I accept the way things are, no point in laying blame, waste of time and energy. Motherhood is tough, especailly in early stages. Focus on positive things such as having healthy children and a loving a supportive husband! You are a lucky woman to have that, trust me!

[dawntigga]

My family are either 300 miles away or wastes of skin. Mr Tigga's family are useless - mil is lovely but in no way could she cope with The Cub. We've done this on our own without any support. I get a bit jealous of people who have really good family units and look out for each other but I don't resent them. Why would I? It isn't as if they are doing what they are doing just to spite me:o My rock and support has been Mr Tigga who is worth his weight in cold, I take back approx 60% of the things I take the mickey out of him for A good sense of humour helps you get through the rough spot and so does breaking plates or baking bread

HasFoundTheOnlyPeopleSheCabRelyOnForHelpAreHerselfAndMrTiggaTiggaxx

[greenbananas]

Mamalazarou - how are you?? I really don't think you are being unreasonable to feel the way you do. Having a baby is a huge, overwhelming, lifechanging experience and of course you want to feel that your family are behind you. It's especially painful if you feel there are inequalites within the family

My mum died a couple of months before I became pregnant with DS and I have sometimes felt very, very sad that she can't be here with us but IME, it's much harder to cope with feeling unsupported by family that are still around.

I've found it helpful to keep telling myself that DH and DS are all I need to be in a happy family. You'll maybe start to feel better as you get used to being a mum yourself and as you start to get more sleep - you'll get through this

[MamaLazarou]

Triggles, I don't really blame my mum for having to stop BFing. I just wish she would have helped me. There were a lot of things that went wrong for me with the BFing, and she could have helped me with some of them. She told me she had taken the week off work when I had the baby, so she could come round and help me, but she came round twice in that week, and all she did was hold the baby and talk about how HER mum had given HER no support when she'd had us (with no trace of irony) and argue with my sister all day. Despite having successfully breastfed six children between them, the most helpful thing they did for me that week was hand me a tissue when I was crying (which was most of the time - looking back, I may have had PND. I was so low, I considered abandoning my baby). My mum didn't even look away from her phone (she was sending photos of the baby to all her friends), just heard me crying and said to my sister, 'Give her a tissue'.

Greenbananas - I am so sorry about your mum. That must have been terrible for you.

Ladylapsang: I am usually also a person who just 'gets on with things', but this is one time when I couldn't.

Stewiegriffinsmom: yes, I have been through the birth and what went wrong. I talked about it with the midwives and ended up making a complaint to - and receiving an apology from - the hospital for the brutal treatment I received there. I think I am starting to come to terms with what happened at the birth a lot more now. Thank you for being nice to me.

I know I am lucky to have my husband and son, and I know a lot of people in the world are a lot worse off than me. It's hard to keep perspective sometimes.

I know not to count on these people in the future, and I know me and my husband and the boy can survive on our own.