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Relationships

How can I make DH interested in family life?

38 replies

pinkypanther · 14/08/2010 19:27

Our long-awaited DC was born earlier this year and I have been struggling ever since then to interest DH in having a life as a family.

Before DS was born, we both had very active social lives, with lots of friends in common and separate friends too. We were out most nights in the week, together and separately.

Now my life is very different (can't really go out unless it is to someone's house when I can take DS and put him to sleep in another room) but DH's is much the same. He goes out to the pub several times a week, plus gigs, seeing friends etc.

This means he rarely sees DS in the evenings, and almost never gets up with DS - who is a very early waker - in the morning, either during the week or at the weekend (he has done it a handful of times since DS has been born). As a result I am knackered and feel like I am permanently on duty with DS with no break.

This weekend DH is away on a cycling weekend with his mates. He called just now and told me he was thinking of calling the church band leader (he plays in a band at our church) to say he could play tomorrow evening. This would entail yet another evening out for him. I suggested to him that actually, having been away all weekend and not having seen me or DS, he might like to come home and spend some time with us. He got the hump over that and behaved like I was trying to tell him what to do.

The thing is, I don't want to tell him what to do, I want him to willingly spend time with me and DS as a family and he just doesn't see it as a priority. I am Sad about this and don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry, bit long and rambling I know.

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scurryfunge · 14/08/2010 19:33

This sounds familiar.....it will take a while but you need to be explicit with him and explain that you need a break too.

It is unreasonable of him to miss every evening with your DS due to socialising but you need to explain exactly how you feel.

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shimmerysilverglitter · 14/08/2010 19:36

You can't I am afraid.

I have so been here. My ex only became interested after I made him leave because I couldn't live with his selfishness anymore. Now its all about "the family" and he wishes he could turn back the clock blah blah blah. However we still do a lot of stuff together as a family and he still doesn't do any of the practical stuff for the dc and he still has an incredibly active social life. The only difference is that I don't have to witness it anymore and feel that sick, sad, disappointment when I have been looking forward to time as a family and he suddenly comes up with his own plans for that time.

I am sure that some people will be along with more positive advice soon. I know that a lot of men do need "showing" sometimes iyswim and also become better fathers as the dc get older. Ex goes on long rambling rail and bus trips with our older dc that I try to avoid at all costs and seems to love doing it. So he does have his good points.

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pinkypanther · 14/08/2010 19:44

Oh dear, SSG, that sick, sad, disappointment feeling you describe is all too familiar...I really want to make it work with DH but he just doesn't get it, still, after many months of prompting from me (and indeed several meltdowns from me, including when he went out on my birthday instead of coming home to spend some time with me & DS).

Scurry - I have tried talking to him, but it's always so difficult, as he thinks he's being pestered and told me the other day that I am "turning into a typical wife" - which I think means that I am a nagging wife...

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scurryfunge · 14/08/2010 19:50

I was made to feel guilty when I questioned constant time away from DS.

He found it difficult and wanted his old life back. DS is 15 now and that is why we didn't have another sadly.

I do feel for you but communication is the only way.

Could you "book" time out for yourself and pursue your own interests? He may realise you are an independant person and begin to negotiate reasonable time away for himself.

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pozzling · 14/08/2010 19:54

Agree with the idea of booking time for yourself. It will mean you get a break, it will help him to understand how you feel looking after DS all the time- and it might even make him feel closer to DS.

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hairytriangle · 14/08/2010 19:55

You can't. Sorry. But if he isn't willing, you can't make him willing.

There seems to be an unfair balance of 'free' time here - can you say to him 'I'll be out on Tuesday and Thursday evening, so you will need to be at home to take care of DC'.

I think you need to become a little more assertive than 'suggesting' that he spends more family time. You need to be very assertive and tell him .

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bodiddly · 14/08/2010 20:00

I know many many men, my ex included, for whom having a child doesnt mean a massive change to their lifestyle but that their partners have to adapt totally and do the majority of the work. Their selfishness and inflexibility means that they feel they have a "right" to go out when and where they want, do what they want and pick and choose how much of family life they participate in. Even to the extent that wives and girlfriends comment that they are good in public putting on a good show of being an active parent but in reality at home do bugger all.

It is still early stages for you and you need to explain how much this is upsetting you and how unjust it is as otherwise it will get worse and you will become more resentful. He may be the type of man who gets better as your dc get older - but this doesnt help you now! Perhaps you could get someone to babysit and go out to spend some time together alone as it is so important not to lose your connection and to be able to explain your side of things! Good luck!

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fruitstick · 14/08/2010 20:02

I think there are two issues here. One, that you are shouldering the burden of parenting and two, that he doesn't want to do it willingly.

The first is easy to sort out. Either you mind and want to go out yourself, or you don't mind and he can get on with it, or you want him to stay in with you more. Whichever way, you need to tell him calmly (at a neutral time) what you would like.

On his willingness, I don't know your husband so he might be useless but, in my experience (i.e. my husband) it can take them a little while to get used to babies. Actually I think they find them rather dull. I used to get annoyed that DH wasn't that bothered by the baby and (although he wasn't going out and did pull his weight) it was all duty more than willing time. However, once they start to interact more and have more of a personality (and are a little more predictable) you might find he comes into his own. My 2 DSs are 4 and 18 months and DH has a whale of a time with them now. Barely said a word to DS2 for the first 6 months Wink

I'm not making excuses for him, and I think he does need to accept that his life can't be the same as it was before (and maybe stay in a little more) - but please don't think that just because he isn't interested in the baby he will feel like that forever.

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susiedaisy · 14/08/2010 21:00

i sooooo know what you mean i have had this from my H for years, he loves his kids i know that, but just isnt interested in doing anything with them, and finds other things to occupy his time, some men grow into the role of daddy, and it can take quite a while from what ive seen of friends and family, but others unfortunately never really get it and some are happy not to, if you are happy together other than this, then i would be pro active and try to gently ease him in to the role, it may take a while, even a year or so, good luck and i really mean that, my oldest son is 12 now and still i have to prompt my H to do stuff with them,

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LeQueen · 14/08/2010 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

teameric · 14/08/2010 21:24

my ex was like this when my DS was born (hence why he is now my ex). It doesn't sound like he is going to change anytime soon or even wants to. I think he is fucking selfish, sorry for being harsh but I know how it feels. I think its just a case of putting up with it or getting out. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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EricNorthmansmistress · 14/08/2010 21:33

Hmmmm. Like someone else said, there are two seperate issues going on. First - that you don't get a break, or a social life, when he does exactly what he wants. That is solved by you designating yourself a night out once a week and informing DH that that is your night and he cannot make plans then. Even if you're skint get in the car and go round to a mate's to embed the notion in his head. Inform him that he can have weekends away but not more often than once every month/two months/whatever you are happy with, and that when he is home, the morning after your night out is your morning off. Kip over at a friend's if you must, to get him used to having to get up. You also need to talk to him about how you miss him and would like a couple of evenings in together per week. DH and I had this a bit, but now fridays are my night out and although I don't get a lie in as he works saturdays it means I'm more than happy for him to go out saturday night, as I only want an early night. It took a while, but we have a more equitable split of fun time now.

The other thing is DH not being very interested in the baby. My DH was also not that excited by DS as a baby. He loved him of course and did his bit but he enjoys him so much more now that he is a bit older. It also helped when I went back to work and he started having him all day without me - can you try to arrange some weekends away yourself, or is DC exbf? Because if not, believe me, you will enjoy the break and it would be very good for DH and DC. Hopefully it will come in time, but you do need to be proactive to change it. I think there is such an an instinctive division of labour when babies are tiny that dads can feel redundant a little bit and also forget that you might not actually want to be the main looker afterer, since we do it so well Hmm

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teameric · 14/08/2010 21:44

I've just realised how bitter my post soundsBlush (which I am rather on this subject I'm afraid, not really what you need though so just ignore me) Grin

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AlisonDubois · 14/08/2010 22:11

My DH same. Continues to live single life as before DC's.
Give him the heave ho. Men who show no interest in their own kids are a waste of space IMO.

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SolidGoldBrass · 14/08/2010 22:20

I agree with the posters who say you should first prioritize some childfree time for yourself ie leave the baby with your DH and go out. Though I appreciate this may be a problem if you are BF and baby is not yet weaned (you say your DS is less than a year old) - but can you get an hour or two between feeds? or will DS take expressed milk in a bottle? Start with that, to get him to appreciate the concept of fairness - that you are not there just to do all the childcare while he does what he likes. If he digs his toes in and won't co-operate then you will know that you have married a selfish sexist or at least a man who thinks that childcare is your job, and you can decide whether he has good qualities enough to make you want to put up with living like this.

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Portofino · 14/08/2010 22:36

I can't believe how mild some of the responses have been! He sounds like a selfish twunt! Discount DS for a mo, does he spend any time with YOU?

I would be sitting him down to ask some serious questions. This behaviour is NOT acceptable quite frankly.

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luciemule · 14/08/2010 22:44

He does sound selfish and quite like my DH is many ways.
I think men remain little boys for a lot of their adult life and don't like to admit top the fact that they have responsibilities.

Not sure how old your baby is but I know from experience that DHs can feel left out after the birth of the baby and often jealous. They had you all to themself in their 'life before kids' and now, he has to share you with a baby. You need to get someone to look after dc and book a nice romantic meal out for just the two of you. Then tell him your worries but without 'blaming' him or he will feel like you're telling him off.

I think he's burying his head in the sand and trying to live his single life as a way to escape feeling left out.
My DH felt left out and didn't tell me when I was breastfeeding DD. he said he wanted to help do something and I just took it all board myself; leaving him feeling redundant to the point of him getting depression (I already had pnd). I then began thinking of us as a family and involving him more with the baby and he warmed up.

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susiedaisy · 15/08/2010 11:24

there are some great responses to this post but the trouble is if it was as easy as asking her H to do stuff with the DC and stay in once in a while she would not be posting, (dont mean to be rude) i am in same boat i talk to H he listens says things back that he thinks i want to hear, mucks in for a week or two and slowly when he thinks i have got over my 'hissy' fit he slopes back to doing his own thing, and this cycle can go on for years, and it is hard to give them the heave ho when you still love them, now i am not saying put up with it, but it is very hard when all you want them to do is to love being part of a family unit,but unfortunately other posters are right it can go on for years and some men never want to be involved with family life, i would hazard a guess there are millions of women in the same boat.

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LeQueen · 15/08/2010 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ambersmummy68 · 15/08/2010 12:57

So sorry but the bottom line is here that hubby is acting like a single man. He isn't a single but you have to say to him that you might as well be a single parent! Some people are givers and some are takers. this selfish husband is a taker. Write a list of things you do for him and your child, then another list of what HE DOES? Show it to him!! Im sorry to say but you have to give him a "you better change things or its over chat!". If you don't its only going to get worse!! Good luck.

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Bobbalina · 15/08/2010 13:03

I think your lives would balance up far better if you both worked the same number of hours and divided childcare and housework 50/50

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Fontella · 15/08/2010 13:10

Can totally sympathise with this. My ex just carried on like a single bloke after we had our kids - nothing changed in his life, everything changed in mine. He'd coo, bounce them on his knee for about 10 minutes a day, but that was about as far as his parenting went and he'd be off out again with his mates like some big kid. He was 30 when our first was born, I hasted to add!!

Whenever I challenged him about how he was carrying on (doing what he wanted, when he wanted) his response was 'you just don't want me to enjoy myself'. How can you respond to that?

When he went off on one of his social activities or whatever, I made the decision that I wasn't just going to sit there like a mug. As soon as he'd gone out, I'd pack a bag, put the kids in the car and drive to my parents 50 miles away. They were always happy to see us, my mum would look after DC while I worked (self-employed) and it was a much happier environment for the children anyway. Next day I'd invariably get the outraged call 'why aren't you here?' and if I told him once, I told him a thousand times that if he thought I was going to sit in the house, trying to work (I was self employed), look after two toddlers and do everything else, while he swanned off out all the time he had another think coming.

I went back after a few days each time ... but in the end I totally lost any respect or 'love' I had for him and we split up when DC were 6 and 4. He's got a new wife and family now and sees DC once in a blue moon.

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SolidGoldBrass · 15/08/2010 13:15

WHy not counter ' You just don't want me to enjoy myself' with 'Well you clearly don't want me to enjoy myself EVER, because you never do your share of the work.'

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violethill · 15/08/2010 13:45

It's tricky, because it sounds from your OP as though you have chosen for your life to change massively from how it was before children, and it's likely that he just doesn't agree that it needs to change that much.

I'm not making excuses for selfish behaviour, but tbh, there is no reason to go from both being great socialites, out every night, to you never going anywhere. I know having children changes things, but to an extent it's up to you how much you let them change things. There is nothing to stop you getting a babysitter for example, rather than feeling you have to drag your child with you. Even if you still bf, you can express milk.You don't say the baby's age but if a few months or more, than frankly, he probably won't even need a feed if you arrange your evening carefully. You could book the cinema or a meal out, and be there and back within 3 hours.

Are you going back to work? Because that's another thing that will redress the balance and make you feel your life has changed less since having a child.

I do think alongside this, you need to talk to your DH about how you feel, and insist that he does some babysitting so you still get your time out too. But I think there are two sides to this. If you have been quite happy to give up going out, then you have allowed your life to diverge a lot from how you were before, and it may just be that your dh doesnt want to.

My DH adored our kids, but it never stopped us wanting a social life still. You just work around it.

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pinkypanther · 15/08/2010 14:56

There are some really useful responses here - thank you all. Feel a bit sad though that there are lots of exes like this, sounds like it's terminal for a relationship...

I can leave DS as he is now almost 6 months, usually goes to sleep by 7.30pm, and doesn't want a feed till he wakes up at 5am (and takes a bottle anyway). So I could go out for the evening, but...

More than all this, I would like us to have time as a family unit - not just me going out on my own (well not on my own but without him and DS).

Susiedaisy - you have hit the nail on the head - if I raise it with him, he'll try for a week or two then things will be the same again.

Violethill - yes I am going back to work, am feeling guilty about that as am going back three months before I need to, but for my own sanity really.

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