Best solution? I stay elsewhere while DSD is in residence

[scruffymomma]

I'd really appreciate some independant advice here and I'm not brave enough to go on AIBU

My DSD is almost 19, about to start uni. As she has got older, her 50/50 residence with her dad has got more and more flexible and on her terms (totally fair enough)

Mainly due to the fact that we have very busy lives and a 2 yr old DS, she only stays about 1-2 weeks out of every 5-6 with us. She has a lot more freedom at her mums place - can smoke indoors etc.

Anyway, she is a very bright, funny girl with a very active social life but I have a MAJOR problem with her. Her attitude towards her parents and family in general is absolutely shocking and it's driving me mad. For example: if her mum buys her something, she will expect (sometimes demand) cash to the equivalent value from her dad. My DH will usually say no to begin with then feel guilty about upsetting her and hand over money.

She has recently got a (very poorly paid) job but doesn't see this as anything other than smoking / drinking money, her mum and dad are expected to pay for EVERYTHING else, including getting to work and paying for lunch. She also gets pocket money and will ask for shoes etc as they are "only £70"!!! (there is no way I could afford that for myself)

I try not to interfere as my DH has his relationship with his DD to look after, I don't want to push in and have been told to mind my own business but accepting this level of disdain and lack of respect truly goes against every fibre of my being. I cannot bear listening to her speak to her dad like this, take and break or loose whatever she wants from the house (including my stuff) / burn holes in the carpet with coke / leave food to rot in her room.

Meanwhile, teachers report that she is an absolute delight and is always respectful and polite so it seems like we are not even seen as humans in her eyes.

would it be totally over the top for me to just go elsewhere while she's with us? My DH can pay for whatever he likes, she can wake him up at whatever time of night she fancies knocking on the door, I will be blissfully unaware and stress free.

If she could treat us and our house with more respect, maybe figure out how to use the dishwasher, hey maybe even cook the odd meal I would find her very easy to get on with, like I say, she's got a brilliant personality, we just don't get to see it.

am I being a drama queen? I expect I'm going to get flamed here

[blahrahrah]

Yes. you are!

What does your DH say about the idea?

[AnyFucker]

good god, why would you get flamed ?

I wouldn't give this user houseroom until she seriously bucked her ideas up

I thought you must be talking about a stroppy 13yo

but 19 ?

old enough to pay her own fares/lunches and to understand about other people's property

this would cause serious problems within my relationship if I was expected to stand by and be a spectator to someone abusing my home

[Littlepurpleprincess]

FFS at 19 I was a mother myself. With a job and studying. I paid for eveything we needed. It wouldn't occour to me to ask my parents. She's an ADULT!

50/50 residence agreements are for children surely? She should decide where she lives and follow the rules there OR get her own place.

Sound like a spoilt brat.

[Littlepurpleprincess]

-sounds- typo

[collision]

I agree with AF. She is a grown up and needs to take responsibility.

What is the relationship like between DH and the mum?

I think I would enc them to sit down and talk about how they are going to deal with DD and be on the same page about it.

[BranchingOut]

Hang in there, she is about to go to Uni! I think it would be a bit wierd for you to start staying elsewhere when she is around and potentially damage relationships.

Hopefully university will be a bit of a wake up call for her and she will soon realise that she has had some rather spoilt attitudes. But, the important thing is that she must be in charge of her whole budget herself eg. a sum of money that she has to allocate for rent, food, books etc. Your DH must decide that he is no longer going to bail her out and renegotiate the money she is given accordingly.

[scruffymomma]

thank you.

Of course, I don't really want to vacate my home, but I was thinking that a bit of space would be a good idea, I don't want to get so worked up I fall out with her and more importantly my DH.

and yes, "residence" is an old term, she comes and goes as she likes and is not put under any pressure to spend time with us if she doesn't want to. BUT for me, that equates to her treating our place like a hotel (how old do I sound?) which really pisses me off. I believe that the little things you do to treat people show a lot about your character.

My DH on the other hand thinks there is a bigger picture to think of, she won't always be like this and will eventually become a fully functioning person. It's also a situation that he's been used to since she was tiny and deep down he's scared of driving her away. although he will periodically insist on bucking up and come down very hard, he'll never REALLY follow it through as she's not with us that regularly and it's hard to enforce (I wouldn't find it hard to enforce) He thinks it's just easier to do things himself rather than have a huge screaming argument because she has once again refused to do anything to help.

And uni would have been a great new start except she's staying at home.

My main concern is really the impact that this has on MY family - I do NOT want my DS to think that this is a normal way to behave and it worries me that me and my DH have very different views re: instilling values and a work ethic, we had very different childhoods. He is a very hard worker but believes that she will find her own way at her own time, I think sod that, you've got to teach her and stop making it so damn easy to do fuck all.

My DSD also claims that when she does eventually move out she will be clean, tidy and grown up but "why should I do that now"

I can't MAKE my DH suddenly turn around the way he is with her can I? Or her mum (relations between us all are ok, but I've only been around since the early teens so assume I don't have any influence of parenting as far as her mum's concerned)

[CoteDAzur]

You are being a bit of a "drama queen" and rather territorial - my house, my rules, can't treat my husband like that, how can she buy those expensive shoes when I can't, etc. Considering to leave your family home when she visits is akin to throwing your toys out of the pram.

I understand that it is frustrating, but such are the joys of marrying a man who is already a father. She is a young adult with cerrtain behavioral patterns learned and fixed before you arrived, and her parents are two adults who are very unlikely to change at this point. I fear you are charging at windmills with little to gain.

[scruffymomma]

fair enough Cote (although I would not give a monkeys if she bought her OWN shoes)

So I'm being over the top in suggesting I stay with a friend - I can see how that wouldn't help.

do I just sit by and watch then? I will do whatever is necessary for a smooth (ish) family life for everyone including her but so far have found trying to butt out rather counter productive.

[AnyFucker]

if she was still under 16, I would be more of cote's opinion

but she isn't...she is an adult, and behave more like one

I don't expect anyone would like a random stranger to come into your home and treat it (and everyone in it) like shit...so why should family be allowed to do so ?

[scruffymomma]

of course, at 14 / 15 that was totally normal behaviour and I just had to live with it. That was fine because I thought that by 18/19 we might have got to a more grown up place.

So any suggestions on how to take this forward, I accept I may have to lower my expectations.

Cote do you have teens? if so, what do you expect from them, what sort of behaviour do you consider unpalatable but acceptable teenage shit that you'll just put up with?

[AnyFucker]

I think you have no chance at all of taking this forward, unless you have your DH on board

you may just have to wait it out

all through the uni years

then until she's at least 30 because she won't be able to afford her own place

but she might grow up in the meantime, I guess

sorry to be flippant...but you cannot do it on your own

you have to be absolutely together on this (united front and all that), and it doesn't sound as if you are even on the same page...

[StudiousSal]

Agree with AF on this one and everyone else, it's time you had a chat with your DH, and suggest to him he lays down a few ground rules.

Does he really think 19 is not old enough to be responsible for her actions, I know what my mother would say, she needs a kick up the arse, and make her wake up, spoilt brat!!

Also tell DH it will only get worse not better and what sort of an example is he setting your DC? scream loud enough and you will get what you want!

If I were in your position I think I would have to be having a chat with DH asap, and if he decides to not allow her something make sure he sticks to it.

[conkie]

when I moved in with my husband he had a daughter of 19 who had her own place. She had only recently moved out and still expected her dad to do everything for her. When she had a night out he was expected to go pick her up at all hours to bring her home, pay for her car and hols. She was guilt tripping like mad as she said I had forced her out. It wasn't true at all. She had moved out a good few months before I decided to move in. She works full time BTW Anyway, I put my foot down and said that if she could afford to spend money on alcohol when out she can afford to put aside money for taxi fare. If she wants a car she also has to pay for it. Same with hols. She is an adult for god sake. Needless to say, she hates my guts but I don't care as I stopped her dad from being a total doormat to this spoilt brat. When I fell pregnant she said that she didn't want us to have a child as the baby would take haf her inheritance when my husband died.

[Angelcat666]

I have a ds 17 and a dd 16 and there is no way would I accept this sort of behaviour from either of them and my ds has ASD.

Your DH needs to lay some ground rules down and stick to them. It will be hard to start off with but, like a toddler throwing a tantrum, the more you give in the harder it will be to get them to realise that certain behaviour is unacceptable.

[CoteDAzur]

I have wrote the previous post because she is 19. If she were 10 or so, (1) you might have had a chance of modifying her behaviour, and (2) there would be too long a time to go until she would be off your hair to bear all this.

As it is, she will soon be at university, growing up in many ways (hopefully), possibly living with some poor bloke quite soon, and you will see her maybe once a year at Christmas.

[CoteDAzur]

I think your best bet is to agree with your DH on certain rules for when she is at your house - clean up after herself etc whatever you expect of other guests. (You need to be tactful here and not mention the word "guest" as your DH will probably say "She is not a 'guest', she is my daughter, a part of this family") Choose your battles and do not make too many rules lest they get ignored.

After that, lay back and relax. She is almost at that point where she will fly from the proverbial nest and be out of your hair for all time.

Having said that, your DH will probably continue to spend money on her and there is zilch that you can do about this so better stop stressing about it. He probably blames himself over not being there for her all these years and will try to compensate by lavishing money on her (which she will of course milk dry).

[45nanny]

omg , this discreption is like that of my partners daughter , who is also 19. We have had the another mega argument about her behaviour , yet its me that has it all wrong?????Or so i thought until i read your post SM. our 19yo is at uni fulltime and away from home , but is now at home for 5 months ,(holiday) she has a part time job , and is meant to saving her money to take back to uni ,(i also have a daughter at uni and cant afford to send either of them back with money , my daughter work full time last summer to have money to go back with ) but she always seems to have new things and is always out and about , i only work part time time as i have a child with SLD and so have to work hard a providing things in our home .dad pays for taxi home ,etc and im sure gives her extra too . I have asked , nagged and now yelled at her , to help around the house , do her washing , tidy up after herself , occassionally clean the bathroom . but she rarely if ever does it , it then become a shouting match between me and her dad ,as he thinks im being to hard on her . He says he will do the chores if i dont want to do them without making a fuss . i am on the verge of leaving as nothing i say makes a difference .what do i do now . will these girls grow out of their behaviour ???????