Sitting here in tears

[mumsanutter]

I have been reading through the threads today trying to put my thoughts into perspective.

My story - H decided to IM (instant message message me through his Blackberry) last friday night and say basicly that we are over - this was as he was boarding a flight to Tokyo so would be no further contact for 15 hours! I spent friday night in tears trying to figure out what the IM meant. On saturday am, he IM's that he was so sorry and the meassages continued on throughout the day asking for a divorce and stating what maintianence he would pay me (from a men that when asked said he hadn't looked into divorce). I have only spoken to him once on the phone on tuesday (his birthday) and had to text him on friday to get him to ring our youngest who's birthday it was ( was painfully obvious that he did not want to talk to me but would talk to youngest 2). He has declared that he now sees me as the mother of his 2 children and a friend. I also found his wedding band on the side in our room yesterday and told him this over IM and haven't heard from him since.

Since then I have been on an emotional roller coaster, one minute happy the next crying - our (my) children 13, 5 and 3 (also have a 10 year old but he is away on holiday with friends) don't know what is going on but the 13 year old is very with it and has declared that if dad leaves he wants nothing to do with him, and also asked if this meant he would have to have a step family!! He has asked that I don't say anything until October when he gets back, and we can talk ( I have told some close friends as I can't do this on my own and if I keep crying they pretty much know that something is going on!)

i really do not know what I am asking, but just needed to write this out

[Saffysmum]

Oh you poor thing. What a cowardly thing to do, to tell you via IM and then make himself uncontactable. Did you have any idea or did this come out of the blue? Have things been rough for a while?

[lulabellamozerella]

Big hugs and sympathy here, I know what you mean sometimes you just need to get everything out. Have you got any friends you could call to come over for a night in? Might help to talk everything through with someone in RL. Your 13 year old sounds very perceptive - maybe try explaining that you still love him very much and are very proud of how maturely he is acting.

[nancy75]

he doesn't come back until october? if there is anyway you can do it i would book a flight to tokyo and go and find out what is going on.
you can't live in limbo until october

[BellaPrice]

Sorry that this is happening to you.

I don't really have any grea advice for you and hopefully someone who does will be along in a minute.

From personal experience, the sorrow that you feel now will pass and will become anger - when this happens, you really need to use the energy that it brings to start getting some advice of your own - if the split is inevitable then you need to ensure that you get everything that you are entitled to (not what he is saying you can have) so lots of internet research, CAB appointment, solicitor and benefits office is appropriate.

For waht it's worth he sounds like a twunt and you and your children will be so much better off without him.

Be strong and take care of yourself. This is not the time to get self destructive, keep yourself healthy and you will get through this.

[BuzzingNoise]

there is no way I could wait in limbo until October. As nancy says, can you go there?

[mumsanutter]

Thank you for the responses.

I can not get over there to see him as he is mutil region, he is in Tokyo until tuesday and then flys to Vietnam, and then flys back to Tokyo on 18th to go to Honkg Kong on the 20th, and then also has to visit Cambodia and Singapore. So there is no way I can get there to see him!

I have done some research on the internet, and the figure that he is offering to pay per month is alot more than I would get through an ordinary maintinence payment, but I need him to clarify if he will help out with college fees (when 13 year old goes), uniform, trips etc. I don't want anything - I can't think about me at the moment!!

I am trying to eat, but am just managing to get my calories in everyday (was actively trying to lose weight so am on a site for it before all this started), but every meal makes me feel sick and have so far lost 4lbs in weight

[atswimtwolengths]

There's something about the slyness with which he's done this that makes me think someone else is involved.

What a coward, not talking to you about this beforehand.

[mumsanutter]

I thought that things were OK and we were going to grow old together - I didn't see this coming at all.

There is no way that he will make a trip back - I have always known that his job is more important and have spent 14 years (married sept 96) and 4 children supporting him with that, putting up with extended trips abroad and working (I am a childminder) and looking after our children.

I feel so empty

[LucyLouLou]

Oh this is a truly shitty situation to be in, I really feel for you :(.

Do you mind me asking what the build up to this was? It doesn't excuse him behaving like this (coward is the kindest word I can think for your H), but I am assuming there is something of a back story. This is the kind of behaviour you can only think about excusing in a couple of months long relationship, not a marriage with four children. As an aside, why would your H only talk to the youngest two?

This might be the wrong thing to say, and I apologise if it is, but asking you to keep quiet with the four children (and presumably faily and friends also?) for TWO FUCKING MONTHS while he's living the single life?! Thats not just cowardly, that's bloody evil.

Big hug (well five of them, pass on four for the offspring :)).

[LucyLouLou]

OIC, two youngest two are his (biologically speaking). Gotcha.

[LucyLouLou]

faily family, can't type today

[Malificence]

I don't really have any advice but just have to say what an absolute fucking cowardly bastard he is.

I think I'd be hiring a hit man about now.

[EricNorthmansmistress]

Don't keep quiet. Tell your friends, family, tell his family. He cannot 'dump' you on the way to stay away for two months and then dictate the terms. No fucking way. What a cowardly shit. you say you go between happy and sad - what are you happy about? Have you also had enough on some level? Do you feel any relief, or only sadness?

[expatinscotland]

What a complete and total fucking prick he is to do this to someone.

He has someone else. I can almost promise you that.

Arsehole.

Get a solicitor pronto. You need to find out what your rights are before he gets back.

[mumsanutter]

All 4 boys are his. When he rang the eldest was in his room on his computer, and our 2nd son is away with his friend.

When I say happy - I mean that I have been tring to do things with the boys (take them to theme parks etc) and seeing them happy has made me smile, I suppose that is what I mean by happy.

As far as I am concerned the background is that he feels at the back of the queue (that I am putting the children fisrt). I do not think I am doing this, we are a family and they don't have queueing systems!! I have (while he was away last) implemented a sleep routine with the youngest 2 so that we could spend some time together in the evenings etc

I can not afford a solicitor, but do get a chance to talk to a lawyer free through my bank account so will ring them once the children are asleep.

[Saffysmum]

I too think that there is more to this - I wonder about another woman. To do this after all your history is beyond cowardly, he's dropped a bombshell and buggered off to leave you with the fallout. I wish I could advise you, but I don't know what to say, except a boyfriend did similar to me years ago, and it hurt like hell, and we had only been together for a couple of years. I just can't imagine how you feel with kids involved. Please look after yourself as much as you can, and lean on whoever you can.

[MostlyLurking]

Have to echo what a spineless bastard he is. Don't wait til October, tell anyone who will listen, get his friends/parents on his back, he needs to come back and explain himself. Make sure EVERYONE knows he did this on IM then fucked off to the other side of the world. If/when he returns do not let him back into the marital home, meet somewhere neutral and at all times remember how he informed you that everything was over. See a solicitor pronto and get the spineless tosspot to put formally in writing his maintenance offer.

[Tippychoocks]

Don't wait until October. You don't need to make announcements but do get support from friends and family.
What a spineless f*ckweasel. Him I mean.

[mumsanutter]

Sorry I feel sad but am getting to the stage where I can see the benefits of him going.

I found his wedding band on the side in the bedroom yesterday and didn't get upset just angry. He IM'd me to ask about a friends fb status - thinking it was about him, and when I corrected him I also told him I had found it and have had no messages since!

[mumsanutter]

I am completely unsure about what to do!! It felt like he was pushing me to tell everyone here, but after I spoke to him on tuesday it felt like there was some hope - this has since been broken due to no communiaction or when he didn't want to talk to me - more important to go out for drinks in Tokyo

[LucyLouLou]

Oh sorry, I thought you said only two of them were his....bit confused, but that's largely irrelevant unless it justifies what he's done, which it, of course, absolutely doesn't.

You have said nothing that makes it okay for him to do what he's done. He's a fucking coward. Frankly, I'm angry on your behalf right now. Don't try looking for something you have done that has caused this, he is entirely to blame.

I think the majority are right here, it's likely there is someone else involved. What a shitbag he is to do this to you.

Get to the CAB as soon as you can, they will give you a list of solicitors who will take legal aid and should be able to help with a free half hour with one as well. They can advise you about potential divorce and money matters as well, so a visit is a good idea.

Good luck, and please keep posting for support, you will always find it here.

[expatinscotland]

Gah, I'd have no problems telling everyone who'd listen about how my husband of so many years asked me for a divorce by IM.

[Tippychoocks]

He messaged you because he was getting paranoid that you'd told someone and that that person had changed their FB status accordingly - is that right? I'm a bit confused as to whether you're s'posed to tell people or not?

Sounds to me like he wants to control every aspect of this. Why can't you tell people? Does he not want the split to be definite? If he wanted time to talk or tell the children himself, he could have done the deed say the day before flying out for 2 months. I would tell anyone and everyone you need to.