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Help regarding a mobile number - possible adultery

(116 Posts)
panicandanxiety Fri 06-Aug-10 23:06:49

I have discovered that soon to be exDH has text 1 mobile number an alarming amount.

I have the number of the OW - is there anyway to find out who a mobile number belongs to? He won't be honest and I would like to know who the OW is (in case I know her etc). I would be willing to pay to find out. DH has moved out after being confronted with evidence and said he hadn't loved me for years. Although I have asked him if he still loved prior to getting evidence of his text affair - he said I was imagining things and of course he loved me. I don't blame her I know I was married to (and betrayed by) him, but I would like to know who she is and if possible where she lives. DH says she is a married woman and I think her husband should know what she has been doing. He wouldn't tell me where she lives, but has told me knows the area that she lives in although he denies that he ever met her.

singledomisgood Wed 11-Aug-10 08:21:38

I havent read the whole thread so forgive me if what I say is not relevant!

If OP is being told that her DH hasnt loved her for years and that things were wrong between them, then she wants/needs to know why. She is probably blaming herself and trying to work out what she did wrong. I dont totally agree with snooping but if it helps with closure then why not? But then I dont agree with affairs so why is it ok for the DH to find anothe woman when he decided marriage was over but not for OP to start snooping for answers when she finds out its ended?

I doubt he is giving her the information as to why it is over so she is just needs to clarify things for her own peace of mind.

kittya Wed 11-Aug-10 23:48:20

Are you any further on OP?

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 01-Sep-13 22:19:58

Just coming back to update the thread - after years of him delaying the divorce (partly due to having to pay the costs) I have finally been able to apply for my decree absolute this week grin.

I didn't track down the OW; I did feel that I should make her husband aware (as I would want to to know in his position) and I do still have mixed views about this. But in the end I just concentrated on myself and the DCs and made an effort to totally stop worrying about or communicating with DH about 'us', that really was a positive of it being so very suddenly and completely over. Although it did all hurt like hell at the time.

I am much happier without XH and it took a while for me to realise how unhappy I had been with him. Things he does, such as often/always putting his own needs before those of our children (eg not attending any of our disabled sons medical appts for the past 2 years and refusing to pick our DC up from school more than one day a week even on his days off) quickly made me realise that he really is actually a horrible person. Even our DC are much better off not living with that selfish example in my opinion - but they can judge that for themselves when they are older. Maybe he will mature in his 40s confused.

I would backtrack and tell you all the details of the upset and nastiness at the time, but I would just bore myself silly now that is 3 years on all of the 'us' bit feels like a lifetime ago and doesn't bother me anymore.

But thank you to the posters who were supportive - especially AF xxx

skyeskyeskye Sun 01-Sep-13 22:45:40

Thanks for the update, I just read the whole thread before realising it was an old one.

I can't believe how some posters treated you on here, well actually I can, because I hAd some similar treatment in the end sad

It seems that times have changed because when I posted about my XH texting thousands of times, everybody immediately shouted affair and OW.

I did tell my OW's H, as he asked me why I had a problem with his wife. He didn't believe me as XH is his best mate. He believed all their excuses. So sometimes there is nothing to be achieved by telling them.

All the best for the future. Hopefully AF will pop in to see what's going on smile

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 01-Sep-13 22:53:07

Thank you skyeskyeskye - at least you did what you thought was best. I do still sometimes think I should have told her husband, as I would seriously want to know in that position

All the best for your future too x

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 00:04:22

hello, OP. skye tipped me the wink that you updated your thread

I remember you and I recall my shock at how a woman so obviously traumatised was being made to feel worse

anyway, no matter now as you have clearly moved on and it is good to read how you finally got the measure of this "man"

have you seen the thread in Relationships written by posters who are also out the other side of this kind of shit ? A lot of people going through it are getting a lot of comfort there

all the good wishes in the world to you x

Leavenheath Mon 02-Sep-13 00:22:57

Well done love.

I didn't recognise your thread (was more a lurker than a poster then) but I sure as hell recognise some of the posters who are still spouting the same cruel, victim-blaming shit under a different name these days. I'm sure you can guess why...

Thank goodness you had a few good people around then to challenge some of those horrible posts.

So glad your life is better now and it's really good of you to update as I'm sure there will be people around who remember you.

Good luck in all you do and I wish you nothing but happiness.

LibraryBook Mon 02-Sep-13 00:24:58

Please don't contact the suspected OW or her husband.

Is it impossible that you could forgive an affair, or almost affair? I would give yourself some time to properly consider things before you follow-up with more destruction.

Be kind to each other.

LibraryBook Mon 02-Sep-13 00:26:16

DOh. Sorry I only read the first few posts.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 00:26:27

LB, this is an old thread smile

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Mon 02-Sep-13 00:46:32

Thank you AF and Leavenheath. I will certainly have a look at more threads, I did read some tonight but didn't know where to start with support when someone is still right in the middle of it. But will try.

LB thank too, but I personally do think it could be detrimental to tell people going through this to be kind to each other. Sometimes you just have to be kind to yourself. While I thinking shouting and screaming is pointless - I needed to fully realise how horrendous and manipulative my husband has been. In that situation, I think, you really do actually need a dose of reality.
Should you really be kind to people who do that to you? Some/lots of people could end up being further manipulated due to trying to be kind. For your own sanity sometimes you need to get to the bottom of things. I actually didn't because we were clearly absolutely over, but if we had stayed together then further destruction of some sort would have been necessary for me to get over it. But each to their own I guess.

AnyFucker Mon 02-Sep-13 00:50:37

No pressure, OP, of course. x

MariaLuna Mon 02-Sep-13 01:01:04

Glad it worked out for you OP.

Can't believe someone was advocating violence on this thread!

Anyway, as an aside, I wanted to bring a previous poster's remark up.....

They were married, 1 child, he had an affair with another man.

This is more common than you'd think. I worked for an Aids organisation. It's known as MSM - Men having Sex with Men. (as opposed to solely homosexual).

LeoandBoosmum Mon 02-Sep-13 01:20:21

I second Anyfucker's comments. All the best to you x

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 10:22:59

I don't understand why people wouldn't tell the ow's husband? I know I certainly would! Why shouldn't he know the truth, if he already knew then who cares, if he didn't then at least now he can deal with the cheating rat bag he's had the misfortune to marry or be with.

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 10:30:45

Tbh I really would want to know. I wouldn't want to go through life with everyone knowing except me and I would want to know early on so I could divorce and get on with my life. So many people find out about affairs from years before and then think their marriage was a sham and that's because it was. I would want to know, no matter how painful it would be to hear.

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