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Help regarding a mobile number - possible adultery

(116 Posts)
panicandanxiety Fri 06-Aug-10 23:06:49

I have discovered that soon to be exDH has text 1 mobile number an alarming amount.

I have the number of the OW - is there anyway to find out who a mobile number belongs to? He won't be honest and I would like to know who the OW is (in case I know her etc). I would be willing to pay to find out. DH has moved out after being confronted with evidence and said he hadn't loved me for years. Although I have asked him if he still loved prior to getting evidence of his text affair - he said I was imagining things and of course he loved me. I don't blame her I know I was married to (and betrayed by) him, but I would like to know who she is and if possible where she lives. DH says she is a married woman and I think her husband should know what she has been doing. He wouldn't tell me where she lives, but has told me knows the area that she lives in although he denies that he ever met her.

ecumenist Fri 06-Aug-10 23:42:22

Just ring the number and ask. I have spoken to the OW in my DHs life to let her know that I knew and what I felt (I tried not to be abusive - kept to the moral high ground). Her husband does not know either(she also has two children) and although tempted to tell him, I don't want to be a homebreaker or be the messenger that gets shot. Think carefully about taking such an action. The happiness and wellbeing of others may well be threatened by hasty action. However, do have the courage to phone and find out the truth for yourself, you clearly have a need to know.

whatwherehow Fri 06-Aug-10 23:44:54

Just ring the number. It may be the only way you find out.

Try googling the number? No idea if it would work but if the phone number is o na website somewhere next to the person's name it may work.

quaere Fri 06-Aug-10 23:47:29

All you can do is ring the number, I don't think there's any other way of finding out

QS Fri 06-Aug-10 23:48:53

google the number

QS Fri 06-Aug-10 23:49:10

x post

MmeLindt Fri 06-Aug-10 23:55:19

Ring the number or google it, find out if you must but leave the OW's husband out of it.

panicandanxiety Sat 07-Aug-10 00:26:59

Thank you for the responses. I did ring and leave a message and I have text the number too.

panicandanxiety Sat 07-Aug-10 00:27:36

I tried googling too but there was no hit.

HecateQueenOfWitches Sat 07-Aug-10 07:38:37

Your husband has left you, yes? I am very sorry about that. It is too painful right now, but in time you will come to see that it is better to be by yourself than with someone who doesn't 100% want to be with you.

When you contact the other woman - What do you think will come of that? She may tell you lots of detail and answer your questions or she may be rude, shout, or even laugh at you! You just don't know. She's very unlikely to tell you where she lives or let you speak to her husband! If you know her then what will you do?

Again, I am so sorry that your husband has left. It's easy to say, from the outside, that it's better that than be with someone, blissfully unaware of their true feelings. But it's true.

whatdoesntkillyou Sat 07-Aug-10 08:58:47

If you really really feel you need to know who she is,(which as others have said may not be a good idea but is totally understandable, could you appeal to EXH to come clean?

Tell him you need to know who she is for your own sanity. Tell him you intend to find out anyway and will be calling the mobile phone number until you get a response.

He may decide to come clean rather than have you contacting OW yourself........

littlecritter Sat 07-Aug-10 14:19:55

I fully understand your need for the truth. I discovered evidence of an OW who was masquerading as a family friend. Finding out details and timelines helps to make sense of it all and understand that you are not going mad after all. Also, secrecy is one of the things that fuels these illicit liasons. Many fall by the wayside when the truth comes out. So your H is unlikely to give you any further details.

I still haven't got the full truth out of my XP so sympathise totally with you. I thought about hiring a private detective but decided I had better things to spend my money on smile like ME. But I haven't given up hope of finding out more details.

panicandanxiety Sat 07-Aug-10 20:44:01

I have tried to speak to soon to be ex-DH and he just said 'draw a line under it'. I am not hoping to get the truth from the other woman. He strangely had his sat nav in our family car so I think if I find out her address I could possibly work out if he has been to meet her (there are just so many addresses on there as he has used it for work and there doesn't seem to be a way to find out what date he went to each address). I would also let her husband know as I hate that I have been decieved and feel that I should make him aware.

There are lots of private investigators advertised on the internet in the UK who say they will try to trace the address of an individual from a mobile number for about £125 (and if they can't then you get a refund), so I am considering doing that at the moment.

bubbles4 Sat 07-Aug-10 20:51:59

I t may be worth trying[[http://whocallsme.com/ ]],I dont know if it is any good for mobile numbers but have ised it for landline numbers.

bubbles4 Sat 07-Aug-10 20:52:39
HinnyPet Sat 07-Aug-10 21:01:49

My lovely, lovely pal has just had this with her hubby. She's got the first few numbers of the OW mobile and the last 3, anyway she could find out who the OW is?

Karmamama01 Sun 08-Aug-10 20:31:37

no, just call the number from a different number that you use and pretend to be a cold caller or have got the wrong number. THey will either answer or you will get a voice message.

Either way this does not prove anything.

purplepeony Sun 08-Aug-10 20:36:17

I think it would be really cruel of you to tell the OW's husband. You have no idea what he knows already- he may know or he may have flings as well.
What have you to gain by upsetting another marriage? It won't bring your DH back. Your anger should be totally directed at your DH, not the OW. There is no knowing what tale he spun her.

panicandanxiety Sun 08-Aug-10 22:00:08

Thank you for all the replies.

I think it would be cruel to leave the OW's husband not knowing but each to their own.

kittya Sun 08-Aug-10 22:40:37

but you dont know their situation. Do you know who she is? My friend rang the OW husband and he already knew infact it made my friend feel worse about the whole situation because she learnt from him that it had been going on for months and that the OW had well left her husband. Just be prepared to hear things that you might not want to. Be very careful, they could have an open marriage or anything.

Jux Sun 08-Aug-10 22:55:55

Walk away dear, walk away. Two wrongs don't make a right. Worry about your own relationship (ex-relationship) certainly, but her's is none of your business.

purplepeony Sun 08-Aug-10 23:02:37

OP- why do you think it would be cruel not to tell him about his wife and your DH?

For starters you are assuming you'll get to talk to him, or find an address.

This has nothing to do with being kind to him; it has everything to do with you seeking revenge on the OW and making her pay, by telling her DH.

Why would you want to make another person ( her DH) unhappy? And, for all you know, she might have his blessing to live her own life.

You need to be honest with yourself about your motives.

franklampoon Sun 08-Aug-10 23:20:11

Very cruel to seek out and tell her husband

kittya Sun 08-Aug-10 23:25:32

I agree. Chances are he already knows. You are not even sure that it was an affair so could really make a fool of yourself. I would leave well alone and dont play god.

mamatomany Mon 09-Aug-10 00:01:40

My friends husband had an affair ten years ago, she still regrets not punching the OW in the face three times, once for each of the children's lives she ruined.

I would most definitely tell the OW's husband at the very least why does she get to carry on as if nothing has happened, the moral high ground doesn't get you very far from what I've seen.

nancydrewrocked Mon 09-Aug-10 05:38:51

Not sure "punching the OW in the face 3 times" would get you anywhere either mamatomany hmm

BaggyAgy Mon 09-Aug-10 05:50:15

Having been deceived, when other people around me knew, I would CERTAINLY want to be told as soon as possible. Tell him, he deserves to know the truth.

EekaSqueaka Mon 09-Aug-10 08:15:49

I would tell him too but if you are going to do so, you should be prepared to prove what you know, if requested.

I wish someone had done the same for me!

purplepeony Mon 09-Aug-10 08:25:49

Baggy Having been deceived, when other people around me knew, I would CERTAINLY want to be told as soon as possible. Tell him, he deserves to know the truth.
That's what you wanted Baggy- doesn't mean to say everyone's the same.

IMO there are some marriages that totter along in total ignorance and that's fine.
What you don't know doesn't hurt. It may well be that the OW deeply regrets her actions.

What the OP is actually sayng is- well, you ruined ( did she?) my marriage, so I am going to try t o ruin yours now.

OP- your blame should lie with your DH- if it wasn't this Ow then it would presumably be another one.

I understand your anger, but revenge is a dish best served cold as they say, and I suspect that in 10 years time- if you ever did get to make contact with her DH which is very unlikely, you would feel quite ashamed of what is a petulant, nasty behaviour.

foureleven Mon 09-Aug-10 08:29:37

I dont think you should tell the husband... what if he is abusive?

purplepeony Mon 09-Aug-10 08:30:01

Oh and by the way., a text affair r is not really an affair imo. Unless they actually had sex, then it's almost equivalent to browing porn on the web. That's my feeling anyway- it's not real- it was all a fantasy by phone.

Sounds as if your marriage was in trouble for a long time before this happened, and rather than face up to that, you are making this OW a scapegoat - she is a symptom of an underlying problem- instead of trying to understand what went wrong.

Maybe you would b ebetter off putting your time and energy into trying to rebuild your marriage- such as by going to Relate- or go to Relate anyway to get rid of your anger in a controlled and constructive way. It really would help.

foureleven Mon 09-Aug-10 08:35:07

Not an affair? really? Putting your energies in to another woman that you text behind your wifes back..

mamatomany Mon 09-Aug-10 09:20:49

"Not sure "punching the OW in the face 3 times" would get you anywhere either mamatomany."

I'm sure it wouldn't but ten years later my friend would still like to, purely down to the injustice of the whole situation. A punch on the nose would get YOU into trouble, telling the OW's husband certainly wouldn't.

foureleven Mon 09-Aug-10 09:30:51

Well, unless the OW came round and punched OP on the nose for telling her husband that is..

Anyway.. depends on what you call trouble.. I dont think karma would look on OP favourably for telling the husband, particualrly if he is abusive.

And punching OW in the face??? Shame on you.

mamatomany Mon 09-Aug-10 09:55:52

If he's abusive she should leave him ... you don't go around ruining other peoples marriages.
A punch on the nose would be too good for many of the sluts out there that go around wrecking homes.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 09-Aug-10 10:19:44

mama...you sound lovely hmm

mamatomany Mon 09-Aug-10 10:55:25

Oh I am lovely until somebody threatens my home and family, luckily it's never happened to me but as for protecting somebody from possible abusive, which we do not know is the case, she should have thought of that before she started messing around with another woman's husband and children's fathers.

foureleven Mon 09-Aug-10 13:14:33

scary.

franklampoon Mon 09-Aug-10 15:08:10

Punching? Are you serious?Does your friend fancy a spell in prison?

bleedingheart Mon 09-Aug-10 15:17:23

Telling the OW's H won't change anything. If he doesn't already know, I very much doubt his wounded pride will lead him to a heartlfelt thanks and gratitude for you. I have a horrible feeling the reaction he gives you may isolate you more. Your H needs to tell you who it is. He is the one who has betrayed you.

sorky Mon 09-Aug-10 15:21:02

Walk away OP. It's a horrid situation you're in, but your anger is directed at the wrong person.

You have no idea what the OW circumstances are, maybe she has left her Dh.
You don't have any evidence of an affair with which to contact the other parties' partner. All you have are lots of texts. I wouldn't be trusting anything your Dh says at this point hmm

For that matter how do you know even it's a woman?

ccpccp Mon 09-Aug-10 15:22:29

Do whatever you can to bring the OW down.

If this means destroying her marriage then so be it. She destroyed yours without a second thought, so step up and spread the pain around a little! Are you afraid of her? Her friends and family need to know what a skank she is.

You never know, husband might look on you with new respect if you show a little fight.

MmeLindt Mon 09-Aug-10 15:23:13

mamatomany
What is the difference between an abusive husband hitting his wife and you (or your friend) punching the OW in the face?

Violence is violence.

OP
I do not believe that you will feel better by knowing more, or letting the husband know. You are misdirecting your anger. You should be mad at your H, not at the other woman. Especially when you do not know what he has been telling her.

sorky Mon 09-Aug-10 15:24:27

sorry, I meant to add to the bottom of that last post

that honestly happened to a 'friend of a friend' not so long ago. They were married, 1 child, he had an affair with another man.

sorky Mon 09-Aug-10 15:28:23

Whether she has cheated on her partner is nothing to do with you.
For all you know, your Dh could've told her he was single.

Whilst that doesn't excuse cheating on either side, she doesn't deserve to be outed because you are hurting.

You really need to be taking the higher moral ground here because I suspect when the pain lessens, you won't be proud of confronting the OW's partner and having a part in the ruining of a family.

(yes yes I know she shagged about, but you get my point)

ccpccp Mon 09-Aug-10 15:47:04

People are too soft!

If someone messes with my marriage, I wont be going quietly! It'll be carnage all the way for both of the cheating parties.

Just who the fuk does OW think she is?

While you're at it OP, I trust you let all of ex husbands work collegues know what hes done? Does wonders for promotion.

Dont be the victim.

kittya Mon 09-Aug-10 16:16:50

The point is the OP does not KNOW whether he is having an affair or not and, she could land herself in a right humiliating mess

foureleven Mon 09-Aug-10 16:45:42

I thought he wwas definitley having an affair but she had only just found the number... OP clarify..?

ItsGraceActually Mon 09-Aug-10 16:47:56

This issue will always be divided, won't it? It's like the "should I tell?" question when you've discovered a friend having an affair.

My opinion (not advice) is that you may as well get the number traced, OP, and tell the husband if you want to. I don't feel you owe anything to OW/OM and their DH/DW, neither do I see why you should protect the cheating partner.

Advice: Put your own feelings first in this case. If, on reflection, you think you'll get more upset by having further details, don't do it. If you still want to talk to them, go for it. All the best, whichever.

Jux Mon 09-Aug-10 17:15:58

Why is the OW wrecking the marriage. If the DH didn't want her to, then she'd have a hell of a job on her own. HE's the one who's wrecked the marriage. How do you know he didn't lie to her, tell her your marriage was all but over and you were only living in the same house for financial reasons, or any of the other lies that bloke's tell women when they want to shag them.

It is your dh at fault. Leave the OW's family out of it. Put the blame where it actually lies.

mamatomany Mon 09-Aug-10 17:47:02

"mamatomany
What is the difference between an abusive husband hitting his wife and you (or your friend) punching the OW in the face?"

There is no difference at all .... so what I don't care you fcuk around with my family you wouldn't get away with it.
The OW did get away scot free in my friends case, has her children, her husband and my friend has nothing so a thump would have at leats given her some momentary satisfaction. Playing by the rules and being the good guy gets you trampled on IME.

purplepeony Mon 09-Aug-10 18:57:55

maa you really need help- are you seriously advocating violence? You should be ashamed of yourself- coming on a site full of women who have been abused by men and suggesting a woman hits another woman.

The OW has not wrecked your marriage you and your DH have wrecked your marriage.

If your marriage was so strong he would not have looked elsewhere.

And at the end of the day these are texts FFS- you don't even have proof he was doing anything.

I notice thre is no suggestion in any of your posts about trying to make your marriage work, or getting to understand what went wrong.It doesn't sound as if you are very committed anyway, you just want revenge.

I still don't see how you hope to talk to the OW DH anyway- it's her mobile, not his.

ItsGraceActually Mon 09-Aug-10 19:07:38

Umm, the opening post says "I don't blame her, I know I was married to (and betrayed by) him"

It also says they're separated and he told her he hadn't loved her for years.

So this isn't about saving a marriage, or blaming the OW. It's purely about whether having more info will help OP, mental health wise, or the opposite.

OP, it is quite horrible having your life ripped apart without actually knowing what happened. Even if it feels impossible now, you will get past this in time - with or without the info. Sadly enough, millions of people do.

Do your RL friends feel you should chase it up or drop it?

quaere Mon 09-Aug-10 19:10:01

I think you'll never really know what happened either way.

mamatomany Mon 09-Aug-10 19:13:42

My DH is in the kitchen cooking my dinner thank you very much.

The OP will get to the bottom of it no doubt but don't be a doormat, even if you don't want him any more and who could blame you ... don't let either of them off lightly.

mamatomany Mon 09-Aug-10 19:15:05

Is this site really full of abused women ? I thought it was parenting we had in common.

quaere Mon 09-Aug-10 19:17:06

What do you mean by 'don't be a doormat'. He's gone, mate. There's nothing to stick up for anymore

purplepeony Mon 09-Aug-10 19:55:06

Grace I usually agree with your posts here but in this case I don't. smile I think the OP has posted this in such a way as to make it look like an academic exercise-"Oh, I wonder who she is. It would be so nice to know".

Then she adds things about finding a private detec. to find her etc.

She is not just wanting to know who she is out of sheer curiosity- she wants revenge.

ItsGraceActually Mon 09-Aug-10 20:07:01

Hmm. Criminal damage & abh wouldn't be the best route, agreed! I thought she wanted to vent & stick a verbal oar in - not very nice, either, but kind of understandable.

OP? Please tell me you're not planning to run her over, firebomb her house or anything like that?? I thought you said you didn't blame her (or not that much, anyway?)

Stating the obvious: whether you beat her up, talk to her or send her a bouquet - it won't get your H back, you know

alwayssearchingforanswers Mon 09-Aug-10 20:14:00

OP...I think it really is not your right to track people down...and not right to look at you husbands phone really..a breach of privacy

You two got married,sort it out with him

I don't agree with the posts on mumsnet even about looking at partner's phone or laptop for evidence of affairs..if anyone did that to me without my permission I'd be livid and consider it a breach of my trust and would devalue the relationship.

we are people,not belongings

fgs i think marriage should be consigned to the dustbin of modern living...it seems to make people think they own people...we don't own our partners,we have a relationship with them

franklampoon Mon 09-Aug-10 21:57:21

alwayssearching,wise words.
Noon owns anybody. i am with my partner because I want to be and vice versa

kittya Mon 09-Aug-10 22:12:18

I would just try and drop it. If he is your ex then it shouldnt matter. Theres a chance that number belongs to someone else now, OW couldve changed hers, then you would look like an idiot. And, as someone said earlier, she's hardly going to put her husband on the phone so you can speak to him, is she? You dont know what her situation is and I would leave well alone.

panicandanxiety Mon 09-Aug-10 22:25:37

I don't believe I 'owned' him, but I do think that if you are unhappy in a marriage you should tell your spouse prior to looking elsewhere whether by text or actually physical. Just 4 days before I found evidence he reassured me he loved me as much as when we got married when I questioned him. I had tried to speak to him and only breached his privacy after he hurt my hand when I picked up his phone to check the time one evening - he was in such a panic for me to not touch his phone.

I haven't hired a private detective yet as I am unsure what to do at the moment. I really don't think I am motivated by anger or a need for revenge, although I am disgusted that married people have behaved in this way. She could be in an open relationship and if that is the case then there is no harm in telling her husband. I would like her address to check that I don't know her and to possibly tell her DH - not to physically or verbally confront her. If I were her husband I would want to know. I am unsure what I should do and feel that I possibly won't pursue this tbh. I am a little worried that her husband could physically harm her if I tell him and obviously I would feel awful then. I have very mixed views at the moment. I am angry at ex-DHs deception but the panic and anxiety is already fading and I think I could be happier without him once I am over the shock and sorting practical issues such as lack of money. My anger is directed at him, but I am trying to control it so that we can co-parent. It is just so hard with so many unanswered questions, however, I am hoping it will get easier with time.

I will need to come back and add much more detail to this thread once we are divorced in a year or so, but right now I don't want to out myself.

Thanks for all the responses anyway.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 09-Aug-10 22:34:45

good luck, OP x

panicandanxiety Mon 09-Aug-10 22:38:05

Thanks AF

kittya Mon 09-Aug-10 22:38:50

thats understandable but please tread carefully. You could get really hurt. Are you completely sure he is having an affair? All the best.x

ccpccp Tue 10-Aug-10 09:23:50

If OW is single then confronting her will do nothing and she will laugh it off. Maybe even apologise to you. You get closure.

If shes married then she deserves everything she gets, whether she knew about you or not. You get closure.

If its an OM, then you have bigger problems to deal with, and at least you'll know about it!

Lots of posters trying to protect the other cheater for some reason. Maybe they've been the OW in the past? Skanks

catwalker Tue 10-Aug-10 10:14:29

One of the most horrific aspects of my DH's affair, for me, was the fact that I had been in the company of the ow and not had an inkling that there was anything going on. I can't bear the thought of being in the presence of the ow and her 'knowing', but me not. If I'd found out about the affair but not known who it was with, I would probably suspect everyone and be an even bigger emotional wreck. I think it's perfectly understandable to want to know who the ow is and a form of mental cruelty to be denied that information. Though quite how the OP finds out I've no idea.

With regard to telling the ow's husband, having been on the receiving end, I can honestly say I'm grateful to the ow's husband for telling me, even though his intention (stated loudly, aggressively and in very colourful language) was not to be helpful but to wreck my marriage. I'd have been more grateful to him though if he'd been less violent, caused less damage to my property and spared my children's feelings.

THose of you who advocate (or indeed commit) violence when you get dumped - that's why you got dumped. Because you are a violent moron who thinks other people are property. It serves you right.
Oh and if you have this sort of aggressive attitude without your partners yet having dumped you, sooner or later, they will. Because no one likes living with an overpossessive loon.

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 11:13:43

I was thinking about a friend of mine who is a serial cheater, Im assuming his wife knows about it and keeps quiet because she has her own agenda. Afterall, she only married him two years ago after 18 years of him going away with work and shagging everything that moved. Now, my point is, the OW in this case, how do you know her husband isnt like my friends wife?? I would think carefully before stepping in. Also, this same friend on top of this has a long term lover of ten years who he tells me is married. She isnt. So, for some reason, it is possible that you ExH is telling you she is married and she might not be.

Can I just ask those in the know, why would a bloke say his OW is married when she isnt?

MaamRuby Tue 10-Aug-10 11:29:31

You lot are very much on the high ground.

When you get married you do make a promise to each other - and if someone forfeits that, well then I think they have to put up with the fall out. Obv people are not property, but that promise should stand for something - whether you agree with that or not Sgb.

If the OP would like to be sure the prpsoective OW is not a friend in whom she is still confiding, her dc teacher or the avon lady, then I understand her wanting to know - and to be honest, I'd want to knock her block off (and ex-DH).

I don't suppose I would, but the feeling would definitely be there.

A friend once carved 'adultress' on the bonnet of the car of her friend when she discovered she was sleeping with her husband.

Who could possibly deny her that small satisfaction?

purplepeony Tue 10-Aug-10 11:57:19

OP said...If I were her husband I would want to know.

But that's the whole point OP ( that you are missing) you are mot her DH and you have no idea what he wants or doesn't want to know.
I wish you would stop trying to jusitfy your need to find this OW by saying it's "doing her DH a big favour".

Just be honest- it's about revenge. You want her to suffer the consequences of her actions- which seem to amount to no more than some texts to your DH.

I have already said that nowhere in all your posts doyou seem to want to expend the same amount of energy in trying to get your DH back, or mending your marriage.

I wouldn't care so much if you were just honest about your motives, but trying to find out who she is is curiosity at best which will lead nowwhere ....you will just become more bitter and obsessed with her. And all on very flimsy "evidence".

Oblomov Tue 10-Aug-10 12:03:10

OP has no evidence, yet. she can't tell possible Ow's dh anything, becasue she doesn't know anything for sure.

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 12:38:10

Thats what people are pointing out. Even if that phone number did belong to a woman she is hardly going to admit it. I once picked up my ExP phone after someone had rang it ten times in one hour and it was OW asking for him. They blatantly denied anything was going on even though her text to him said Im waiting for you at the Ramada Hotel!!! its a long shot thinking that she is going to come clean.

Theres no evidence of an affair, I think you will drive yourself mad persuing this. Wasnt it months ago? it could be nothing now, if it ever was.

One of the most important tenets of the anti-domestic violence movement is that everyone has the right to leave a relationship without being subject to violence or abuse. Just because you're a woman being dumped by a man doesn't mean that you have some kind of special dispensation to stalk, snoop, threaten other people or damage property. You're dumped. Deal with it.

Amd trying to coerce a relucant partner to stay with you, either by physically intimidating the partner or his/her OPs, threats of public humiliation, using access to your DC as a weapon or any other means that spring to mind is not only futile (if you know that your partner is only staying because s/he is afraid of what you will do, you will spend the rest of your life in fear that s/he will get the guts to dump your sorry arse anyway) but profoundly unethical.

It;s one thing to agree to work on a relationship, go to Relate etc with a partner who has had sex with others or thought about it (without your agreement) - if both parties want to sort out an arrangment they can happily live with, that's fine. If one wants out, the other one has to accept that and have a little dignity. Which, actually, will make you feel better in the long run than behaving like a screaming hostile twat so that everyone else goes 'Wow, no wonder this person got dumped.'

loopylou6 England Tue 10-Aug-10 14:18:23

I think it is totally normal and human nature to want to know who the OW is. Hope you get answers OP.

Follyfoot Tue 10-Aug-10 14:28:57

I can understand wanting to know who the OW is, but telling her husband? No way. Thats revenge. It can be dressed up as 'he has a right to know' or any other bollox, but the truth is its about trying to stir it up for her too.

I always think if you cant leave a relationship with anything else, at least walk away with your dignity, it will mean a lot in years to come. And telling the husband isnt very dignified.

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 15:12:27

I can understand wanting to know her name but, her address? That would be wrong.

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 15:15:16

He tells you she is married and then says he's never met her? it doesnt really make sense but, has he was quick to pack his bags and leave, it sounds like he was already out of the door.

lucky1979 Tue 10-Aug-10 15:34:25

This is such a weird thread. Somehow the person who has been cheated on is the bad one, and the potential OW has become Mother Teresa with her knickers off.

OP, I totally understand why you need to know what has happened for closure. And also to make sure you don't know her, which would be really important to me. Betrayal by a close friend can be as devestating as betrayal by partner, and if that is the case, absolutely the OP has a right to know and to feel however she damn well likes about it. I don't think you deserve the agression which has been stirred up on this thread.

franklampoon Tue 10-Aug-10 19:55:06

sgb your last two posts are spot on

panicandanxiety Tue 10-Aug-10 20:09:36

sgb - I hope your comments are not directed at me as I never coerced DH to stay at all. When I confronted him with the evidence I just asked for honesty. He would not be open or honest about what he had been doing, so I asked him to leave if he would not be. He left his wedding band for me so I packed all of his belongings. If he had told me he didn't love me at any point prior to this incident I would have suggested he move out while we went through marriage counselling. He has since said it was never his intention to leave (so I presume he just wanted to have his cake and eat it until he had found a more permanent arrangement to move too), but he says he thinks he has now damaged the relationship beyond repair. He is probably correct about that.

I have never been 'screaming hostile' with him at all. Although fairly irriated that he took money out of our bills account so that I have no money now to buy basics for our 2DC, but I haven't screamed, sworn or shouted over that either.

He has denied they have met up, but he himself says the relationship with the OW has damaged our relationship. That is his doing and I am NOT blaming her. He has never said the evidence is flimsy etc. He will not share the content of the texts as he said I should just 'draw a line under it' and concentrate on 'us'.

I really don't want to give too much detail (I have name changed but he knows I use mumsnet and I want some privacy from him) but he was sending between 88 and 183 texts per day with some pics etc, whilst I worked full time and he should have been concentrating on our 2 very young children. I think I have never really known my DH as I never suspected he would behave like this and I have never looked at his phone bills before the incident when he hurt my hand.

Someone asked what my friends and family think of tracking down the OW and telling her husband. Their views are very mixed, like mine - but I am all over the place at the moment.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 10-Aug-10 20:28:33

OP, I really cannot understand why you have had a rough ride on this thread

of course you are all over the place...who the fuck wouldn't be ?

I would also advise you not to contact OW's husband (certainly until you have some idea of the reception you may get) but I don't understand why people have been so harsh with you

< shakes head in confusion >

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 20:38:04

Some people have been bang out of line but some have been offering sound advice, at the end of the day it is up to you though. I still dont understand what you mean though "he has denied that they ever met up but says that the relationship with the OW damaged our relationship" I dont understand what this means. Was he having an affair or not?? He left without a fight, didnt he? And now you want to know who she is? I understand that and I understand if you ring her and give her a piece of your mind but the husband thing? I dont think you should go there, I honestly dont.

She might not even be married.

DinahRod Tue 10-Aug-10 20:42:34

Given hb's lack of transparency re OW's identity, it's only natural alarm bells would be ringing. All very well for him to tell PAA to 'draw a line under it' but she hasn't sufficient information to do so.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 10-Aug-10 20:44:03

yes, I agree Op has had some good advice

but also some bloody cruel haranguing

she is in bits...who could fail to see that ?

DinahRod Tue 10-Aug-10 21:05:18

True AF.

Just because we're not getting a blow-by-blow account and PAA is coming across as strong and composed doesn't mean that this is not personally devastating.

Taking control of the situation, rather than just accepting what info her hb is drip-drip feeding her, is often what we advise on here. WWIFN who, along with AF as posters I often agree with, advocates finding out as much as possible; it's like lancing a boil cleanly, removing all the festering pus (how apt) before healing can take place.

AnyFucker Germany Tue 10-Aug-10 21:10:59

hope you are ok, OP

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 21:48:30

Is there anyway you can get hold of his phone and ring the number from it? You might get her on the line then. I doubt you are going to get an ounce of truth from him.

PAA: I wasn't particularly addressing you, was speaking in general terms (and to some of the people on this thread advocating violence and destruction). Having looked again at your posts specifically, my advice is to let it go, your H has decided to leave, now concentrate on building a better future for yourself. Pursing vengeance will hurt you a lot more than looking to the future.

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 23:23:04

I agree with you SGB but, I can understand why the OP would like to know who she is. I dont think its very clear from the original post that he is having an affair and, sadly, he seemed to easily walk away. I just think, if she is married, telling the husband may blow up in her face. Im guessing she isnt even married.

OP, I hope you are ok and I understand how this is making you feel like you are going around the bend. Ive been there and when I finally did see the OW I didnt like what I saw and I still cant get the image of her out of my head, sniggering at me. He just stood there and looked on.

AnyFucker has the wisest and most considered advice fo you, OP

I hope you're ok

But this-

'The OW has not wrecked your marriage you and your DH have wrecked your marriage.
If your marriage was so strong he would not have looked elsewhere.
And at the end of the day these are texts FFS- you don't even have proof he was doing anything.'

Beyond belief.
The op needs to take the blame for her husband's infidelity?
A huge steaming pile of crap, PurplePeony
You don't know enough about this relationship to make that judgement. What a bizarre and cruel thing to say angry

AnyFucker Germany Tue 10-Aug-10 23:45:08

thanks, crack

I thought kittya and I had stepped into a different reality for a while there...

kittya Tue 10-Aug-10 23:57:22

Me?? god, Ive been there. Its crap and it can make you think you are losing your mind.

I hope you are alright, OP.

Follyfoot Wed 11-Aug-10 00:08:54

Have re-read my post and think it came across as really hard on you, and I'm sorry, that wasnt what I meant at all. Things must be really difficult for you right now.

Think what I was trying to say (badly) was being honest with ourselves about the real reasons we do/want to do something is part of the process of moving on. In years to come when this is all a horrible distant memory, it would be good if you didnt have too many regrets about decisions made in the heat of the moment which may have affected other - innocent - people like the husband if there is one.

All the very best and sorry again x

kittya Wed 11-Aug-10 00:13:06

I bet there isnt one. Im sure these men say that just to make you stay away, appeal to your sensitive side. The OW in my case was definitely single and up for it, even though he told me she was married. I still dont understand the logic in that. I dont understand alot of things when it comes to affairs.....

AnyFucker Germany Wed 11-Aug-10 00:14:42

FF, that is very gracious of you x

kittya Wed 11-Aug-10 00:20:43

yes, its like texting, you read it back and think, did I say that?? I wish they had an editing feature on here!!!

I just wish the OP could get some closure, Im not sure she's convinced it was/is an affair and I dont thing her DP is going to give her any answers.

NetworkGuy Wed 11-Aug-10 02:36:24

panicandanxiety - when it comes to mobile phones, they're so easy to pick up on Ebay for a low cost, with or without a SIM.

I have (over a number of years, I'm not an anorak mobile phone collector!) bought a few Nokia 8310s (small with a sensitive FM radio).

Several have come with SIMs in. However, in many cases, it is easy to get SIMs for free with little or no trace (again via Ebay).

I really wouldn't waste any time on trying to get a trace on the number to identify anyone - it could be unregistered (like the 2 Asda SIMs I have), or registered to a business (without knowing who within the firm is allocated that number). Even if it had been registered, it could be at an address that was last used 10+ years ago (I have 2 Orange SIMs, one dating from 1996, the other from 2001), so you could spend money and have no information apart from a surname and initial and years of house moves to follow.

Also, having seen catwalkers experience, there's just no knowing how any other partner (assuming the OW is married) will react. If the OW's partner decides he will damage your home as a way of 'getting at' your husband, it will be you too that suffers, and no knowing how long it might go on.

Can see why 'being put in the picture' might seem a desirable thing (and anyone who had so-called friends who knew, but left them in the dark, will accept that thinking), but the unknown consequences are just that - unknown.

Sorry things have gone this way - hope you can settle things as amicably as possible.

singledomisgood Wed 11-Aug-10 08:21:38

I havent read the whole thread so forgive me if what I say is not relevant!

If OP is being told that her DH hasnt loved her for years and that things were wrong between them, then she wants/needs to know why. She is probably blaming herself and trying to work out what she did wrong. I dont totally agree with snooping but if it helps with closure then why not? But then I dont agree with affairs so why is it ok for the DH to find anothe woman when he decided marriage was over but not for OP to start snooping for answers when she finds out its ended?

I doubt he is giving her the information as to why it is over so she is just needs to clarify things for her own peace of mind.

kittya Wed 11-Aug-10 23:48:20

Are you any further on OP?

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 01-Sep-13 22:19:58

Just coming back to update the thread - after years of him delaying the divorce (partly due to having to pay the costs) I have finally been able to apply for my decree absolute this week grin.

I didn't track down the OW; I did feel that I should make her husband aware (as I would want to to know in his position) and I do still have mixed views about this. But in the end I just concentrated on myself and the DCs and made an effort to totally stop worrying about or communicating with DH about 'us', that really was a positive of it being so very suddenly and completely over. Although it did all hurt like hell at the time.

I am much happier without XH and it took a while for me to realise how unhappy I had been with him. Things he does, such as often/always putting his own needs before those of our children (eg not attending any of our disabled sons medical appts for the past 2 years and refusing to pick our DC up from school more than one day a week even on his days off) quickly made me realise that he really is actually a horrible person. Even our DC are much better off not living with that selfish example in my opinion - but they can judge that for themselves when they are older. Maybe he will mature in his 40s confused.

I would backtrack and tell you all the details of the upset and nastiness at the time, but I would just bore myself silly now that is 3 years on all of the 'us' bit feels like a lifetime ago and doesn't bother me anymore.

But thank you to the posters who were supportive - especially AF xxx

skyeskyeskye Sun 01-Sep-13 22:45:40

Thanks for the update, I just read the whole thread before realising it was an old one.

I can't believe how some posters treated you on here, well actually I can, because I hAd some similar treatment in the end sad

It seems that times have changed because when I posted about my XH texting thousands of times, everybody immediately shouted affair and OW.

I did tell my OW's H, as he asked me why I had a problem with his wife. He didn't believe me as XH is his best mate. He believed all their excuses. So sometimes there is nothing to be achieved by telling them.

All the best for the future. Hopefully AF will pop in to see what's going on smile

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 01-Sep-13 22:53:07

Thank you skyeskyeskye - at least you did what you thought was best. I do still sometimes think I should have told her husband, as I would seriously want to know in that position

All the best for your future too x

AnyFucker Germany Mon 02-Sep-13 00:04:22

hello, OP. skye tipped me the wink that you updated your thread

I remember you and I recall my shock at how a woman so obviously traumatised was being made to feel worse

anyway, no matter now as you have clearly moved on and it is good to read how you finally got the measure of this "man"

have you seen the thread in Relationships written by posters who are also out the other side of this kind of shit ? A lot of people going through it are getting a lot of comfort there

all the good wishes in the world to you x

Leavenheath Mon 02-Sep-13 00:22:57

Well done love.

I didn't recognise your thread (was more a lurker than a poster then) but I sure as hell recognise some of the posters who are still spouting the same cruel, victim-blaming shit under a different name these days. I'm sure you can guess why...

Thank goodness you had a few good people around then to challenge some of those horrible posts.

So glad your life is better now and it's really good of you to update as I'm sure there will be people around who remember you.

Good luck in all you do and I wish you nothing but happiness.

LibraryBook Mon 02-Sep-13 00:24:58

Please don't contact the suspected OW or her husband.

Is it impossible that you could forgive an affair, or almost affair? I would give yourself some time to properly consider things before you follow-up with more destruction.

Be kind to each other.

LibraryBook Mon 02-Sep-13 00:26:16

DOh. Sorry I only read the first few posts.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 02-Sep-13 00:26:27

LB, this is an old thread smile

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Mon 02-Sep-13 00:46:32

Thank you AF and Leavenheath. I will certainly have a look at more threads, I did read some tonight but didn't know where to start with support when someone is still right in the middle of it. But will try.

LB thank too, but I personally do think it could be detrimental to tell people going through this to be kind to each other. Sometimes you just have to be kind to yourself. While I thinking shouting and screaming is pointless - I needed to fully realise how horrendous and manipulative my husband has been. In that situation, I think, you really do actually need a dose of reality.
Should you really be kind to people who do that to you? Some/lots of people could end up being further manipulated due to trying to be kind. For your own sanity sometimes you need to get to the bottom of things. I actually didn't because we were clearly absolutely over, but if we had stayed together then further destruction of some sort would have been necessary for me to get over it. But each to their own I guess.

AnyFucker Germany Mon 02-Sep-13 00:50:37

No pressure, OP, of course. x

MariaLuna Mon 02-Sep-13 01:01:04

Glad it worked out for you OP.

Can't believe someone was advocating violence on this thread!

Anyway, as an aside, I wanted to bring a previous poster's remark up.....

They were married, 1 child, he had an affair with another man.

This is more common than you'd think. I worked for an Aids organisation. It's known as MSM - Men having Sex with Men. (as opposed to solely homosexual).

LeoandBoosmum Mon 02-Sep-13 01:20:21

I second Anyfucker's comments. All the best to you x

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 10:22:59

I don't understand why people wouldn't tell the ow's husband? I know I certainly would! Why shouldn't he know the truth, if he already knew then who cares, if he didn't then at least now he can deal with the cheating rat bag he's had the misfortune to marry or be with.

Mojavewonderer Mon 02-Sep-13 10:30:45

Tbh I really would want to know. I wouldn't want to go through life with everyone knowing except me and I would want to know early on so I could divorce and get on with my life. So many people find out about affairs from years before and then think their marriage was a sham and that's because it was. I would want to know, no matter how painful it would be to hear.

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