Terrible anxiety

[MadameG]

Both me and my husband are very, very anxious people. His worry is about his health, and a fear of death. Mine is targeted more generally towards something terrible happening- someone I know dying suddenly, and abandonment.

His worry stems from his dad dying extremely suddenly (and awfully) from cancer a few years back, and also from not wanting to leave me alone. Mine comes from years of abandonment as a kid, and also from my friend being killed in a crash when I was 19.

Between us, we often both live under a big grey cloud of worry that our very happy world will crumble via something awful happening.

His death worry is a daily issue. He gets a pain in his hand, and he gets terrified. He had headaches on and off, and it 'might be a tumour'. He's had mild IBS for several years, and despite several drs giving him IBS treatment, which calms it down, he's still terrified constantly. He's had slight strainy feelings in his tummy muscles the last few weeks, and the first dr's appointment didn't calm him down, so he went back yesterday. The dr said he was pretty sure that it was just IBS and gave him more treatment stuff, but this GP is also very aware of dh's health fears so after a long conversation he said 'if you're worried, I'll refer you for a colonoscopy'.

So he comes out the dr with the news that a colonoscopy is on the cards. Joy of joy. I can feel the stress just washing over me, because I know that until it happens, dh is going to be wracked with fear of what they might find.

But, I must admit that I am terrified of everything coming crashing down too. 3 years ago I was very unwell, under the constant watch of the local mental health team, because I was self harming, suicidal and hearing voices in my head. But dh and I got back together (we had a couple of years apart) and got married last year and my happiness naturally improved so much that I made a brilliant recovery- I'm not on meds or anything anymore and am living life like everyone else. But I can't believe my luck- we're blissfully happy and I'm only 7 weeks from giving birth to our first child, a ds. My life has been really traumatic at times, so being happy is strange and oddly threatening to me, I feel like everything might go to shit any second.

Urgh. I just don't know what to do. Don't know what to do with his worries, or with myself.

[thumbwitch]

First of all, I am not going to tell you to calm down because your ingrained patterns aren't going to let you.

But - remember that the Doctor is pretty sure it is IBS. He is referring your DH because he knows your DH will fret about it unless he gets a categoric statement that there is nothing there to worry about. That is a good doctor, he is paying attention to the whole person, not just the symptom.

Remember also that there are things that can be done, were they to find anything. And that early finding = better outcomes.

Finally - be glad that your DH is actually able and willing to go to the doctor about this sort of problem - most people who do have serious bowel issues don't go because of embarrassment and leave it too late.

Being pg will naturally play havoc with your hormones and anxiety levels as well - it does that anyway, to most people, let alone people who have a habit of fretting.

If at any time you want to do something positive about your fretting habit, you and your DH, you could consider NLP (neurolinguistic programming). I call it "brainwashing" because it washes your brain clean of all the bad ol' habits that upset your life, and replaces them with shiny new ones that make life easier for you.

HTH - and I am glad for you that you have a sensible doctor.

[cestlavielife]

you both need to seek CBT or NLP or some kind of counselling for the anxiety issues.
ask GP to refer your both, separately.

[LucyLouLou]

I agree with cestlavielife. I think CBT could be very effective, since most of the issues seem to be phobia based, CBT would/could be the best starting point.

I think you need to start with this before your baby arrives. Having a LO in the house to worry about (which obviously parents do anyway) is only going to increase the anxiety. You need a lot of help, both you and DH. If money is a concern, most doctors will refer you to a CBT specialist (or whatever they feel is appropriate) for 6 sessions on the NHS.

I don't mean to patronise you, but this is a really time sensitive situation now because of the impending new arrival (congratulations btw!). Call your doctor today, start the ball rolling.

And best of luck!

[MadameG]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

I've had CBT before when I was really unwell, but I think cos I was so entrenched in misery at the time it had trouble getting through. I definitely would like to have more counselling/ CBT treatment soon, because I hate feeling like this. Every day is really hard because I'm constantly on red alert- did I clean the kitchen properly after handling the chicken? I haven't heard back from my sister for a few hours, what if she had an accident? What if there is another London bomb and my hubby is hurt? I haven't felt the baby move in an hour, is he ok? And so it goes. I keep it all inside but it's exhausting. LucyLou, you have a point about needing to nip it in the bud asap with regards the baby arriving. I also have OCD issues which I battle and have made a little headway with, but I could do with some proper support from a pro.

I don't think I'll ever get dh to counselling or whatever. God knows I've tried. He's super shy and he would feel mortified at the thought of talking to a stranger. He's the shyest person ever. In the mean time, I did a bit of research online about colonoscopies and IBS and it seems like quite a routine test to diagnose what causes it/ confirm it is IBS, so I've emailed him some info which hopefully will allay his fears a little.

I'll definitely seek some help myself though, maybe at least that will start the ball rolling with de-angsting the house.

[LucyLouLou]

MadameG - I really feel your pain with the OCD. I suffered very badly with that as a teenager (I suspect it was a not very happy home life that kicked it off in me, but that's just self analysis on my part). I had to switch lights on and off a certain amount of time, check that the curtains had no gaps in them, close doors twice, and my nighttime routine took about 45 minutes to complete, no matter how tired I was. CBT was great for this. To this day, I'm not sure how she did it, but the person I saw was incredible at getting me to see things logically. I'm so grateful for it.

You mentioned London....where (roughly) do you live? I ask only because a friend of mine had CBT in the last couple of years and said her therapist was wonderful. She's located in Hertfordshire, so if you are in this area, I could pass you the details?

[MadameG]

Oh LucyLou, that OCD behaviour you described pains me because it's so horrible. Well done you for working through it.

Mine has always been to do with cleanliness. Toilets are my main issue. I have to inspect toilets before I can use them and even the one at home gets wiped over about 6 times a day. I'm forever washing my clothes and hands too. I've taken self-imposed measures over the last few months to prepare myself for chilling it out before the baby comes, as I neither want to pass on OCD issues to my child or struggle at changing dirty nappies. Should be ok though. I feel proud of myself for the little improvements but I wish I could just be like a normal person without having to have huge mental battles over it and hear my mind screaming that I need to wash my hands 50 times a day.

Sadly I'm in South London, so quite a way from Herts. Shame, thanks for offering though. I'd like to find a private therapist to help me, because I always found the NHS a bit shite. Plus I don't want it on my mental health records that I'm asking for more help otherwise they start getting all twitchy that I'm deteriorating, when I'm not, I'm just trying to push through the remaining issues.

[thumbwitch]

If you want to try NLP, look here for local practitioners. You may have heard of it as a life coaching thing - but it is so much more than that. It can help you change your habits, your OCD, your anxiety etc; and give you new coping mechanisms.

[MadameG]

Thanks Thumbwitch, thats fab info. Will look into it for sure.

[LucyLouLou]

Thanks MadameG . It was a really tough time back then, but it's so worth it. The sense of freedom was so nice. And the extra sleep was wonderful! Cleanliness never really came into it for me as such, it was always about counting and routines (which I guess sometimes involved showering etc). You really should be proud of the little improvements, you're going in the right direction, I know first hand that it's a long slog to banish OCD thoughts, every step means something. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you .

[MadameG]

Thanks Lucy! You're an inspiration.